Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A Toasty Tag

Prosy tagged me yesterday and I kind of hate those things, but she's super cool and awesome so I'm going to go ahead and do it. Also, apologies to my super sweet bloggy friend Tracey because I'm pretty sure she tagged me once on this one before and I totally forgot to do it. So I'm doing it for both of you girls today. That's what she said.

I can't remember what I'm being tagged to do now....I should probably go over to Prosy's blog and double check before I do something stupid here. Meh, too lazy. Maybe I'll make up my own.....like listing 10 things you hate about America. Hmmmm...I don't know. That seems a bit unpatriotic. And I'm all about being proud of my country. I'm pretty much the Lee Greenwood of pre-cougars with all my proudness over here. I mean, I drove to work in a lame Ford Taurus today. How much more American can you get than that?

Holy crap, I think I just invented the term pre-cougar. What? You've never heard it before right? That means I invented it so shut up. I am too young to be a full-on cougar but yet too old to date 21 year old men....so I am a pre-cougar. Not that I ever would date a 21 year old man, because there is one renting a room in my house right this very minute and he reminds me daily how gross and assholey they are at that age. Plus I'm married....which is also important but does not negate my pre-cougar status. Just to clarify. Rawr.

Okay I just re-read Prosy's post and turns out I just have to list 10 things about myself, which is kind of anti-climactic if you were waiting to see the top 10 un-American statements I was about to make. But you would have been disappointed anyway, because I don't have 10 things I hate about American since I love my country and it's purple mountains majesty and fruited plains and stars and stripes forever, amen.

Now on to my list!

1. I am a terrible cook but a great baker. I make the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet and I will send you some if you ask nicely.

2. Remember when I said I would send you cookies? Yeah, I totally lied. Sorry, I do that sometimes.

3. When I first moved to Texas, I decided I was going to be landscape designer. Even though I hate bugs and physical labor and sweating and heat. I didn't think that one through enough, clearly.

4. I love to watch Lifetime movies, especially if they are based on a romance novel. I dvr them and then on Sundays I will cover up with a blanket, eat popcorn and watch them on the couch. Sorry Captain Carl.

5. I don't like to watch movies that I know are going to make me cry or worry. Nothing with animals or children being abused or dying. I want comedy or big explosions or robots or outer space. I do love true crime TV shows, especially if they involve murder. Bonus points if it's about a serial killer. What can I say? I'm an enigma, wrapped up in a puzzle, inside of a riddle.

6. When I was three years old, I called vaginas "tinkers". That's about all there is to say about that.

7. I should probably be on anti-anxiety medication. I know everyone worries, but I've pretty much made it a full-time occupation. I have trouble sleeping because I can't stop thinking about losing my parents or my job or my house or etc etc etc. I am like the Michael Phelps of worry. I don't even know what that means.

8. I'm writing this blog entry in a word document at work and my boss just came up behind me and read the words "vaginas" and "tinkers" out loud. That's the best thing that's happened to me all day.

9. I can't park a car to save my life. I always end up crooked or getting too close to one of the lines or bouncing my tires off the front concrete barrier thing. I failed my first driving test when I was 16 because I couldn't parallel or diagonal park, and I haven't parallel parked since I passed my second driving test the week after that. I find that parking skills are highly overrated. I mean, it's not like parking is as important as, say blowjobs or card shuffling. Both of which I can do quite well, thankyouverymuch.

10. I do two great impressions: The Ladies Man and Edith Bunker.

So there you go....now you know a little more about me and you will probably start calling vaginas "tinkers" from now on. You're welcome.

Oh right, I'm supposed to tag other people....ummmmm, I'm going to pick some of my newer bloggy friends. You know, spread the tag love around a little bit. Solanaceae, erin, Dana's Brain, lana, and Trixie Buxom....you're up. Do it, don't do it, fart in my general direction....whatever you want. The ball's in your court.

hee hee, I said balls.


Betsey Booms said...

Sigh, you gave in to the tag.

21 year old men are freaking stupid.

The end.

Oooh, I get the best word verifications here... Scroung.

It's when a cougar has to scrounge for her youngin's

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I do Edith too! The theme song Edith only, though. Should we duet?

diane said...

Worried much about the Patriot Act?
cool list, mine would have been lame.

Anonymous said...

I call my vagina a cooter. Dunno where I got it from.

I want some cookies. Or better yet, I want your cookies. How do you like that one?!

Kurt said...

My solution to the 21 YO man dilemma was to never mature past about 15. It's worked out REALLY well so far.

Mona Lott said...

I'm right there with ya on 5, but that's also why I'm afraid of Lifetime... You ARE enigmatic.

Traceytreasure said...

Congrats! I checked and I didn't tag you for this one. There are at least 3 that I did tag you for but, whatever! No biggie!


Miss Yvonne said...

Betsey: Yes, I did give in. But I kicked and screamed like a motherfucker before I did.

SMU, Kid: Mister we could use A man LIKE Herbert Hoooover agaaainnn!

diane: Nah, the Patriot Act can suck it. And now I'm off to hide in my bomb shelter.

Nikki: Everyone wants my cookies, cause they are so hot and tasty. Blech, I just grossed myself out typing that.

Kurt: Most of the men I know have done the same thing. Weird.

Mona: I know, it's a real crap shoot when you turn on Lifetime...you might roll your eyes, you might cry. You just never know.

Tracey: Well shit...here I thought I was killing two birds with one stone.

Traceytreasure said...

That's just awards. I tagged you for at least 3 Memes.


I'm not counting, really!


Solanaceae said...

I'd fart in your general direction but I'm saving it for later when I'll need it for defense purposes. Tinkers are known as Chicken in these parts. Unless it's old tinker, then it's Turkey. The first time my niece every saw a naked boy (as his mother was getting him out of the bathtub) she came flying up the stairs to tell her mother that he needed to go to the hospital because his chicken fell out. I just realized I have a weird family. I'm going back to my corner now.

Prosy said...

The excitement and then subsequent disappointment between #1 and #2 was debilitating. I love pre-cougar. I'm totally going to steal it and use it in my conversation and people will think I'm clever and witty.

Lulu said...

What IS a fruited plain, anyway, Miss McAmerican Pie?

erin said...

I'm 28 and I feel like I'm way too old to date 21 year old men...so I am also pre-cougar. Wait. I think that means I have to be hot. Give me some time to work on that. ;)

Lana said...

you need to make gift boxes to sell your cookies in, or just to make people say that they want your cookies.

and great usage of 'balls' :)

Lindsay Champion said...

I do lots of closed captioning for Lifetime movies. My favorite ever was the one with Kirstie Alley locking up that girl's mother in the basement, "Family Sins." Boy, that one's great...

lindsay || newyorkwords.net

Kate said...

Personally, I love the Lifetime movies about pregnant teenagers - I think my personal favorite is the old school one called "16 and Pregnant" staring Kirsten Dunst. Some of her finest work, if you ask me.