I am surrounded by errant cat fur, piles of partially digested food, hair, plant material, string(dental Floss) and just because it’s Christmas and the “The brown one” is especially bitchy….lots and lots of ribbon in her poop.“The brown one” can’t pass a present without taking a bite.
You just haven’t lived until you have cats walking by with string hanging out of their asses like some kind of shiny tampon string made by Willy Wonka. “The white one” and “brown one” both evidently like to decorate their back sides for the season. It’s festive and I hate it.
“The white one” is so fat that he can’t properly clean himself so we get to give him monthly butt baths. “The brown one” likes to take turds out of the litter box every once in a while and bat them about the house if she feels the box is too dirty. “The brown one” also likes to pee on any rug in the house. That’s a fun smell… We actually put hard woods in to keep her from ruining the carpet. We spent seven grand so the CAT would stop peeing in the house…. Guess what, it didn’t work. I hate that little asshole.
“The white one” sheds so much that I can’t sit down in my house with black pants on or it looks like my ass ate Santa. “The brown one” likes to wake us up in the middle of the night yowling, or climbing on the treadmill; or my favorite, standing on your testicles.
If we gathered all of the fur on a daily basis, we could knit sweaters for most of the orphans in
“The brown one” likes to stare at me as if she’s waiting for me to drop dead from a massive coronary or seizure. I swear to God she waits for me half way down the stairs in hopes that she can have an opportunistic meal. Cats are likely to start eating their owners within minutes of their death. Dogs will only do that as a very last resort. It’s true, more crime scenes have been tainted by cats than any other domestic animals including pigs. WTF? I would sooner sell these little f’ers to a nice Hmong family for meat. The only thing stopping me from letting these bitches out into the world to be with their kind is Miss Yvonne. They better hope and pray she out lives them….
A day in Capt’n Carl’s Cat Diary:
Sunday Dec 19th:
2:15am - “The brown one” is yowling for her brother again. I reach down and throw a shoe. I hope to god I hit her in the head.
6:30am -“The white one” is puking somewhere. It sounds distant, but could be anywhere.7:00am – Found the puke, on the floor on my side of the bed still warm and squishy between my toes.
9:00am – It’s quiet, too quiet. Something must be up.
1:00pm- Still no sign of puke monsters
3:30pm - “The white one” is puking in the closet. I’m saving that one for Miss Yvonne too clean up.
4:04pm- The fuckers are laying on top of the laundry I just took out of the dryer, I wish I could put them in the washer when I re-wash these clothes
4:45- “The brown one” just tried to trip me on the stairs.
5:45- Miss Yvonne is home and both cats can’t wait to show off today’s ass ribbons. “The brown one” decided on a lovely shiny green string, while “The white one” went with a blue ribbon to match his white fur. It’s like the Macy’s parade without the parade part.
6:45-“The brown one” is staring at me, waiting. I ask Miss Yvonne if I look like I’m about to have a seizure.
7:17pm-“The white one” just puked on the bed – awesome.
8:30pm-“The brown one” is chewing on a present. I throw a book; I hope to god I hit her in the head.
9:45pm- “The white one” just took a dump and we can smell it out in the living room.
9:50pm-“The brown one” not to be outdone did the same. As usual she makes no attempt to cover her mess in any way. Mmmmm, cat odor.
10:30pm-“The brown one” just walked across my crotch as I was almost asleep. I threw her off the bed, I hope to god she hits her head.
Monday Dec 20th:
3:40am - “The brown one” is yowling for her brother. I reach down and throw a shoe. I hope to god I hit her in the head…..
In addition to this daily circus that is my life; Miss Yvonne wants to adopt some Basset Weiner that found its way into our garage. The only way in hell that Carlos Spicy Weiner comes home with us is if he agrees to solve my cat problem once and for all. Oral sex be damned!