Thursday, December 24, 2009

I live in a world of fur – Not the sexy 70’s porn kind either

Captain Carl insisted on having a guest post today to make some kind of point about why he doesn't want to adopt Carlos Spicy Weiner. I agreed so that I can say this is his Christmas present from me. Now I don't have to give him a blowjob.

I am surrounded by errant cat fur, piles of partially digested food, hair, plant material, string(dental Floss) and just because it’s Christmas and the “The brown one” is especially bitchy….lots and lots of ribbon in her poop.“The brown one” can’t pass a present without taking a bite.

You just haven’t lived until you have cats walking by with string hanging out of their asses like some kind of shiny tampon string made by Willy Wonka. “The white one” and “brown one” both evidently like to decorate their back sides for the season. It’s festive and I hate it.

“The white one” is so fat that he can’t properly clean himself so we get to give him monthly butt baths. “The brown one” likes to take turds out of the litter box every once in a while and bat them about the house if she feels the box is too dirty. “The brown one” also likes to pee on any rug in the house. That’s a fun smell… We actually put hard woods in to keep her from ruining the carpet. We spent seven grand so the CAT would stop peeing in the house…. Guess what, it didn’t work. I hate that little asshole.

“The white one” sheds so much that I can’t sit down in my house with black pants on or it looks like my ass ate Santa. “The brown one” likes to wake us up in the middle of the night yowling, or climbing on the treadmill; or my favorite, standing on your testicles.

If we gathered all of the fur on a daily basis, we could knit sweaters for most of the orphans in Texas. We clean up at least one pile of puke each day and every baseboard in the house is dirty from them dragging themselves along or covered in brown and white fur.

“The brown one” likes to stare at me as if she’s waiting for me to drop dead from a massive coronary or seizure. I swear to God she waits for me half way down the stairs in hopes that she can have an opportunistic meal. Cats are likely to start eating their owners within minutes of their death. Dogs will only do that as a very last resort. It’s true, more crime scenes have been tainted by cats than any other domestic animals including pigs. WTF? I would sooner sell these little f’ers to a nice Hmong family for meat. The only thing stopping me from letting these bitches out into the world to be with their kind is Miss Yvonne. They better hope and pray she out lives them….

A day in Capt’n Carl’s Cat Diary:

Sunday Dec 19th:

2:15am - “The brown one” is yowling for her brother again. I reach down and throw a shoe. I hope to god I hit her in the head.

6:30am -“The white one” is puking somewhere. It sounds distant, but could be anywhere.7:00am – Found the puke, on the floor on my side of the bed still warm and squishy between my toes.

9:00am – It’s quiet, too quiet. Something must be up.

1:00pm- Still no sign of puke monsters

3:30pm - “The white one” is puking in the closet. I’m saving that one for Miss Yvonne too clean up.

4:04pm- The fuckers are laying on top of the laundry I just took out of the dryer, I wish I could put them in the washer when I re-wash these clothes

4:45- “The brown one” just tried to trip me on the stairs.

5:45- Miss Yvonne is home and both cats can’t wait to show off today’s ass ribbons. “The brown one” decided on a lovely shiny green string, while “The white one” went with a blue ribbon to match his white fur. It’s like the Macy’s parade without the parade part.

6:45-“The brown one” is staring at me, waiting. I ask Miss Yvonne if I look like I’m about to have a seizure.

7:17pm-“The white one” just puked on the bed – awesome.

8:30pm-“The brown one” is chewing on a present. I throw a book; I hope to god I hit her in the head.

9:45pm- “The white one” just took a dump and we can smell it out in the living room.

9:50pm-“The brown one” not to be outdone did the same. As usual she makes no attempt to cover her mess in any way. Mmmmm, cat odor.

10:30pm-“The brown one” just walked across my crotch as I was almost asleep. I threw her off the bed, I hope to god she hits her head.

Monday Dec 20th:

3:40am - “The brown one” is yowling for her brother. I reach down and throw a shoe. I hope to god I hit her in the head…..

In addition to this daily circus that is my life; Miss Yvonne wants to adopt some Basset Weiner that found its way into our garage. The only way in hell that Carlos Spicy Weiner comes home with us is if he agrees to solve my cat problem once and for all. Oral sex be damned!


Vic said...

I am just a little bit in love with you now, Captain Carl. Don't tell Miss Y.

I agree, cats are evil. We just got two because people say they're "easy". Big damn liars. And mine don't even have ribbon hanging out of their asses. That would be an improvement.

My dog, on the other hand, lives only to please me. And for jerky. Those two things.

Carlos would be your ally, is what I'm saying, Captain Carl. You'd see less of those cats, guaranteed.

And dogs don't eat ribbon. Tinsel, sometimes, but not ribbon.

Also bassett/wieners are very good singers. You like music, don't you?

I hear him now, in the Big House..(swing low, sweet cha-aa-ri-o-ot...comin' for to carr-y meee hooome! A-ooooo!!!

Little Ms Blogger said...

Did you know dogs eat cat shit?

This could solve one of your problems with the cats.

kate said...

Little Ms Blogger has a point. My dog's favorite thing to eat in the whole world is cat turds. I don't know that a dog would be much help against the cats, though...our dog gets his ass kicked by our cat on a daily basis. Not exactly the toughest animal you've ever met...

corticoWhat said...

Aye Captain, me thinks Carlos would be dead in a week.

Keep the faith and don't let the withholding of sexual favors weaken your resolve.

(Ha ha! My "word verification" was SPERMSH.)

Ed Adams said...

I hate cats.

Evil fucking selfish bastards.

Tell her to get rid of the pussies, if she really wants the wiener.

Dogs are much better.

Anonymous said...

I understand, Captain Carl. If you need extra cat hair for your knitting projects, I can send you mine. Let me know.

mossum said...

If you do let Carlos in, please be careful about that whole "they love to eat cat shit" thing. I once had to give the vet $432 to repair my dog's intestines after he found the litter box and gorged on Kitty Roca.

Soda and Candy said...

Ass ribbons and Kitty Roca... the true meaning of Christmas!

Cap'n, this whole post illustrates why you need a dog as they are the opposite in every way* to cats. You cannot find an animal that will abjectly crave your love and approval harder than a dog.

*okay except for eating horrible things that later hang out of their asses

Green-Eyed Momster said...

LOL at LMB's comment.


Markitos said...

Don't you get it? The Blame game. Cats in a sack. river near by. freedom is yours!
"Hon have you seen the cats?"
"A nope. maybe the weiner ate em?"
"evil grin"

miss. chief said...

cat diary? haha!

diane said...

Carlos deserves to stay, he was so brave for showing up in the first place. I can't imagine competing for attention in your place (pets, renters, kids, ect.)
Ribbon turds are the new black.

The Jules said...

Do we all have to have ribbons coming out of our arses now, because I have to say I like to chew my ribbon?

Houston said...

Captain Carl, It's true, dog LOVE cat poop. The stinkier the better, it's like canine caviar.

P.S. Several of us have banded together and "Sprung" Carlos from the "Hoosgow" and will be dropping him off... Er, Uh, I mean... He will probably find his way home soon.

Houston said...

I think this speaks for itself!

Mona Lott said...

Ass ribbon is comic gold, I'm afraid you're gonna have to put those cats on the payroll.

Fucking hilarious!

Just.Kate said...

Oh lawdy. Dogs are man's best friend. Dogs poop outside and deter cats. Dogs are pretty much the best things on earth, ever.

BESIDES- Carlos CHOSE Miss Yvonne He's so handsome! And brave! And I posted a "Save Carlos" photo on my blog!

Tsh. Only mean people refuse dogs, Captain Carl. I know you're not a mean person. *pats back* I know you'll make the right decision.


Houston said...

Oh Captain... I can't stop myself!

Moooooog35 said...

I used to be able to blog about stuff like this before I discovered the magic of manscaping.

Perhaps I've said too much.

Mama Wheaton said...

The decorated cats are truly a sit to see, have any pictures? I think Carl would solve the cat problem, but if he becomes a problem maybe you could get a pet pig. If the pig becomes a problem then perhaps a goat could take care of the pig, who takes care of the dog who takes care of the cats and so on and so on?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

*pulls down pants and takes a crap on Captain Carl's pillow*

Carlos sends his regards.

otherworldlyone said...

Captain Carl kinda rocks.

Change the "brown one" to "grey one" and "testicles" to "vagina" and you could be talking about my house.

It's sad, but true. All cats are the same. Some just drool a little more than others.

Anonymous said...

wanna know what hurts, besides cat paws on testicles???? Hot chocolate through the nose when reading this!!!!

cats bother me...they don't have eyebrows...and they think they are soooooo superior...bastards!!!!

Houston said...

I remember growing up we had a couple of cats which ate ribbons and had festive rectums also.

If you yank that ribbon hard enough and fast enough they explode like a little pinata.

Kurt said...

You know that part in "99 Luftballoons" right before it gets all clappy and full of swaying motions from the 80s? That's about hitting cats in the head, I heard.

Not really. I just heard the song and that's what I wished it was about because of all my empathy for Captain Carl.

Char said...

OMG I have laughed till my sides ache! This is the funniest post I've ever read. EVER!

Sarah P said...

My hubby says it's like Christmas every time he scoops the litter.