Saturday, May 30, 2009

Huge Tits Trump Super Strength Every Time

I'm getting so much accomplished this weekend, I feel like Wonder Woman.




Shut up lady...I could rock that headband just as hard as you if I wanted. You don't know me! It takes a lot of hard work to hold down this couch with my ass all day. Yeah, you've got highly developed fighting skills and enhanced hearing...but I've got big boobs and cellulite.

Top that, whore.


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Get Out Already!

One of our renters is moving out this weekend. I haven't written much about Bambi, mainly because she's never there. The girl comes home every few days to feed her cat and then leaves again. She has no car, only the moped that she is not licensed to drive. So most of the time she has one of several young men drive her home and then wait for her while she showers and changes clothes. Why she even pays to have a room somewhere is beyond me, but I'll be eternally grateful to her for it.

We've only had two problems with Bambi....leaving the front door unlocked and not washing her dishes. Ever. The girl serious never washed a dish while she lived in our home. Luckily for me, she barely ever ate there so I only had to wash things for her a couple of times. Unlike her brother and his girlfriend, who have been living on Totino's pizza and ramen noodles for months now and really enjoy leaving their dirty dishes in the sink until they need to use them again the next day. I swear those two wait until I've just finished cleaning the kitchen to come down and cook. I get it all nice and sparkly and not 10 minutes later, they are in there making a mess. It's amazing how much of a mess they can make by just putting a pizza in the oven. My counter tops look like they made their own dough, flipped it in the air a few times, and then threw toppings in it's general direction. And don't even get me started on my pizza pans. My poor pizza pans will never be the same. They're all battle scarred and I know they'll have post-traumatic stress disorder once Eco and Kool Aid are gone. Every time someone reaches for one of them, they'll be all flinchy. All their non-stick is gone and their edges are sticky with something I can't scrub off anymore. I'll probably have to retire them to the great kitchen cabinet in the sky once their tormentors are gone.

Eco and Kool Aid are staying until June 9. Which really isn't that far away now, but it seems like forever to me. Their bathroom is disgusting and I can't even imagine how much scrubbing we will have to do to get it clean again. The carpet on my stairs will never be the same after their dirty shoes have tromped up and down them for four months. I can't even think about my poor mattress in their room....it was perfect before they moved in. I know it will not be now. I suppose the trade-off was worth it....the three of them paid our mortgage for a few months. But now that they've made their last payment to us, I just want them out so I can scrub their rooms from top to bottom and erase all traces of them.

So Bambi came home last night and she brought one of her boyfriends and few boxes with her. She was also wearing a ridiculously short mini-skirt that a girl with her thighs has no business wearing. So she walks up the stairs and I happen to glance her way and notice her ass is hanging out of her skirt. I'm sure Captain Carl will miss her just for that.

Here's the only thing I will miss about about our renters....specifically Eco Nazi....after they're gone: Eco has never been able to master our electric can opener, providing me with many moments of unintentional hilarity. Tuesday night he came down and grabbed a can of chili out of the pantry and I got all giddy because I knew what was coming next. So he stood at the counter and messed with the can opener for about 5 minutes. He was all click....click....whirrrrr......click....bang.....click....whirrrrr.....click and I was all tee-hee! and then he finally says to me "Ummmm, do you have, like, a regular can opener?" and I said all innocently "Why?" and he says "I can't figure this thing out" and I said "Just shove it under the top and the push down" and he says "I tried that, it's not working". I finally took pity on him and opened it for him in one try and he was all "Whoa, how did you DO that???" like I had just performed open-heart surgery on the kitchen counter or something similarly amazing. And that is the one thing I will miss. Because you can't fix stupid, but you can laugh and point at it to make yourself feel better.

P.S. We have a new renter moving in on June 1. He's older, divorced and has two boys that will be coming every other weekend for visits. I just hope he doesn't eat frozen pizza and likes a clean toilet.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm Like The Gandhi Of Bridge Driving, Only With Cuter Glasses

I was reading this post at Dana's Brain blog today, and all the talk about being afraid of bridges got me thinking. That's always dangerous and usually my blog readers are the ones who suffer from all of my thinking....so basically this post is all your fault Dana. Shame on you. How do you sleep at night?

So there are a lot of reasons why I'm a great wife. I don't cook, I excel at nagging, I'm bossy, I'm obsessive about keeping my house clean, I'm a total bitch....I mean, the list goes on and on people. Captain Carl scored big time when he married me. But sometimes I scare myself with how awesome I can be. It's ridiculous, really.

Here's an example for you. The Captain is a tad bit afraid of heights and when I say "a tad bit afraid", I mean "completely terrified" and "would rather pull out his own fingernails with a pliers than stand on a ladder" and "clings desperately to my leg in elevators". But he's afraid in a manly way. You wanna know how manly he is? I once saw him kill a minotaur using only a rubber band, a wet cigarette and his bare hands. He's like the MacGyver of minotaur killing. Also, that might not be true because I don't think a minotaur is a real thing but he would totally do it if it was. My point is that he's still a stud even though he's scared of tree houses.

Obviously Captain Carl hates bridges because of the whole "they're up high" thing. Sometimes he prefers to be the one driving if he knows there will be a bridge to cross, because he wants to be staring straight ahead and concentrating on something besides the huge drop-off on either side of our vehicle. And if I'm driving and we happen upon a bridge, he will read something until we've gotten to the other side. Which usually doesn't take long, because most bridges are not huge in our neck of the woods.

But there is one that's kind of big that we have to cross. It's in Kansas City and we cross it every year when we drive up to Minnesota to visit my parents in the summer. Captain Carl knows it's there, so most years he works it out so that I'm the one driving and when we start seeing certain landmarks in KC, he buries his face in a book until we are over the bridge. The last time we made this trip, I had just driven onto the bridge and it's all quiet and I can almost hear the Captain grinding his teeth in agony so I figure I'd say something to lighten the mood and get a laugh out of him. You know, to help him forget how scared he is because that is exactly what a great wife does.

So I was all "Do you ever wonder what it would be like to just drive right off the edge of a bridge?" and the Captain just looked over at me in horror with his mouth hanging open. So I was all "I mean, sometimes I'm driving and I wonder what it would be like to just do something stupid. Like gun it over a huge hill or spin out in the middle of the highway or, I don't know, drive right off this bridge" and then I look over at him with a big grin on my face because how funny am I, making a joke right now? and the Captain gets whispery and is all "What. Is. Wrong. With. You." and I'm all shruggy and say "Okay, never mind. Guess it's just me then. Hey look, we're off the bridge!" and then I'm all patting myself on the back for being an awesome and hilarious wife. I'm pretty sure the Captain would have kissed me right there from all the happiness he had from being distracted on the bridge and forgetting his troubles, but he was really sweaty and shaky for some reason so he probably figured I wouldn't enjoy the kiss right at that moment so he just glared at me silently until we got to Des Moines instead.

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Think My Husband Is Trying To Tell Me Something

Captain Carl woke up this morning, came into the living room and when I said "Good morning, how are you?" he stood over me and did some pelvic thrusts and said "Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!". And then he licked the back of my hand. I guess I know what I'm going to be doing this Memorial Day.

He also had a dream about twice baked potatoes and if that's not a euphemism for sexual relations, I don't know what is.


P.S. I just won something awesome over at Stir Crazy in the Suburbs and I promised to post pictures of what I'm going to do with it. Wolverines!!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Pretty Much The Sexiest (fish) Pictures You Will Ever See

Captain Carl is visiting his parents for a few days and he's been spending lots of quality time with his dad, Ward. Yesterday they sat out in the yard watching the squirrels. Yep, you heard me. Squirrels.

Today they went fishing and let me tell you....the Captain earned his name. He called me tonight and told me to check my email because I was about to see something amazing.

This is the Captain's catfish.

It was so big (that's what she said), it wouldn't fit into the basket. When I opened this picture, I thought it was a baby seal at first and I was all "Why are you killing baby seals?" and Captain Carl was all "Huh?" and I was all "Wait, how do baby seals live in ponds in the middle of Texas? Is that even possible?" and he was all "That's a catfish" and I was all "Ohmygod, maybe it's a cross-hybrid baby seal-fish!" and he was all "I hate when you do this" and I was all "I'm totally sending your baby seal-fish picture to Unsolved Mysteries" and he was all "We're eating the baby seal-fish tonight" and I was all "Poor Fred" and he was all "Who the hell is Fred?" and I was all "Fred is the baby seal-fish you so mercilessly slaughtered. I named him so that you wouldn't forget what you have done on this day" and he was all "Okay, gotta go...Fred's gettin' fried up even as we speak."



That is one huge mutha lovin' baby seal-fish.


Look at all those fillets.

I am so turned on right now.

Just kidding. Kind of.

And now I'm off to bed to fantasize about my big studly fisherman and also about how close we are getting to the renters moving out. Twenty days and counting, bitches! I don't know if I can make it that long without judo chopping one of them in the trachea. If I never see another Totino's pizza again in my life, I could die a happy woman.

RIP Fred.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

UPDATED: I Love My Dork...Now With Blog Style Duel to the Death!


I seriously do not know how I functioned in the modern world before I met Captain Carl. I'm a complete and total computer idiot. Here's everything I know about them:
  1. Double clicking on something will open it.
  2. You should always put your computer on your desk, rather than on the floor, so that you can use the top of it to hold important items, like squishy toys and tiaras and white out and post-its reminding you to pick up Diet Coke on the way home.
  3. Sometimes you need to tip your keyboard upside down and tap it violently on your desk to get all the food crumbs out of it. (I know that one isn't technically about computers, but it is computer RELATED)
  4. When in doubt, Control-Alt-Delete.
  5. Porn can never be completely erased, even when you put it in the recycling bin, so don't waste your time trying.
  6. Screen savers are awesome. Download lots of them.

Last night I was on the computer when the internet stopped working. So I yelled out to Captain Carl in the next room "Yo bitch, get in here!!!!" and he was all "What now?" and I was all "The interwebs aren't working!" and he was all "I'll be there in a minute". So I started randomly clicking on things to see if I could fix it while I waited. A few minutes later, he came in the room and was all "What's the problem" in his best nerd voice and I was all "click click click" and he was all "Stop! What are you doing?" and I was all "I'm trying to fix the internet" and he was all "Why are you opening the media player?" and I was all "Maybe that's where the problem is...duh" and he was all "No, just stop clicking for a minute". That's when I started blinking at him real cute while I was all "Ok. click click click" and then he was all "Just move" and practically shoved me out of my chair so I yelled "Help! Assault! Help! click click click" and he was all "My God, would you just stop with the clicking for one second?". So I got up and practiced my sweet dance moves while he sighed a lot and closed all the stuff I had open and I was all "Bahhhh bah bah bah, Buh bah, Buh bah. Can't touch this" and two seconds later he was all "Fixed" and I was all "Thanks. Hey, you know what time it is?" and he was all "I think it's about 9:30" and I was all "Nope. It's Hammer Time. Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh! Uh oh!" and then he punched me in the face. Just kidding, he didn't punch me. But he did tweak my nipples on his way out of the room. I figure I deserved it.

So I asked him later what exactly was wrong with the computer. Apparently our wireless network wasn't solidified in it's composite position and so the Captain had to re-quantify the directories into alignment by magnifying the trajectory of the misappropriated transponders. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. I tried really hard to concentrate on what he was telling me, but my eyes started getting all glossy and for some reason the Different Strokes theme song started playing my head and then I saw my background picture on the monitor and remembered I wanted to change it from a puppy to a bunny...so I kind of got distracted.

Plus, all he really did was click a couple times on a little icon so I figure it couldn't have been that hard and eventually I would have clicked on the right thing. Psshh. Nerds.

P.S. Trodo McCracken challenged me to blog style Duel to the Death in my last post. I don't think she realizes what she's gotten herself into. It's on like Donkey Kong!
P.P.S. I'm awesome.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

This Is The Post Where I Use The Word Awesome Too Much

You know what's awesome?

This.


It's my giveaway prize from Lulu.

She even wrapped it.


You know what else is awesome? Lulu's collage.

It's a clown. Clowns are creepy. I didn't tell Lulu I've been afraid of clowns since I was three years old because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I was all "Oh awesome, a clown!!" and I decided right there I was going to put it face down in the closet after I twirled it around a few times so it couldn't find it's way into my room at night and kill me.

And then I unwrapped the collage and I was all "awwww!" and decided this clown is too dang cute to be scary. And besides, it really looks more like a miming minstrel than a clown.

See? Cute little miming minstrel.


I hung it right in the kitchen nook, where I can look at it every night at dinner. Thanks Lulu!!



And then yesterday I got another package in the mail, this time from Tracey.

She sent me all these goodies. Just because. And she put a card in the package that said "thanks for letting me do this for you". She's pretty awesome, huh?

See that stuff that says CALM?

Yeah, I need that stuff. A lot. You'll see why in a minute.



Okay, so you know what is NOT awesome?

This.


And this.


And also this.



My kid backed his Explorer into a parked trailer and then proceeded to slide all the way down the side of it.

He's had that car for less than a month.

Motherfucker!


Two hours after Captain Carl and I blew our collective lids, we had a little conversation....

Me: You understand why we are so upset, right?
Kiddo: Yep.
Me: This is going to cost you a lot of money.
Kiddo: Yep. But it's okay. You know why?

Me: Why?
Kiddo: Because I'm awesome. Everyone thinks I am.
Me: I really don't think you are awesome right now.
Kiddo: Yes you do!
Captain Carl: The hell we do.
Kiddo: You think I'm awesome because you love me.
Me: We HAVE to love you, even when you do something stupid. We are not required to think you are awesome.
Kiddo: But you do anyway because you can't help yourselves. That's the power of the awesome.


And then I had to start ignoring him, because it's kind of frowned upon in polite society to kick your own kid in the kidney.

I don't know where he learns this shit.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Your Own Personal Cheesus

So I heard a story on the news this morning that some lady found the image of Jesus in a cheeto. And she almost bit into it when she saw the little Jesus face, so she looked closer and she saw not only his face, but also his whole body. She named it Cheesus, which I'm pretty sure is sacrilegious but also hilarious. Then the news lady person said that most everyone will see the image of Jesus in an unassuming object at some point in their life.

I've started looking here in my cubelet this morning, but so far nothing. I thought for a minute I saw Jesus on the peel of my banana, but it turned out to be Christian Bale, which is close but not quite. So now I'm squinting and looking around the office because I figure if Jesus is going to appear to me on the surface of something, he's not gonna make it easy. I mean, think about how hard you have to work to get into heaven. You can't just stroll in, all breezy and whistly and be all "Yo Big J, whattup my brutha?". Because I'm pretty sure if you did, he would punch you in the mouth and you'd be all "Ow! What was that for?" and Jesus would be all "That was for laughing at all the jokes on Family Guy about me" and then you'd be all "Oh that. I'm sorry?" and then he would probably punch you again because too little too late, but he would do it with love because that's how he rolls.

So yeah, this image of Jesus is not gonna be easy to see. And what if it's not an image of the Easter Jesus, but the Baby Jesus instead? Did you ever think of that? Huh? No you did not. That's what I'm here for...to point out important shit like this. You're welcome. So keep your eye out for swaddling clothes and mangers and lambs and if you happen to see the Virgin Mary, keep looking because I bet right behind her will be a Wise Man and how awesome would it be to be the first person to see the image of a Wise Man on a piece of toast? Very, that's how.

I'd like to conclude with a video a good friend sent me today that reminded me why Richard Simmons is probably the most under rated performer of our time. OF. OUR. TIME. PEOPLE.


video

Friday, May 15, 2009

All Hail Me

Well, finally somebody recognizes that I am royalty.


The awesome ladies over at Scandalous Housewife have decided I am worthy of the Queen of All Things Awe-Summmmm award.




I've been telling Captain Carl for years that I'm royalty, but he just keeps saying "yeah, a royal pain in the ass" and then I roll my eyes because lame! and then he laughs and smacks me on the butt and I try to be all royal and snooty about it but that's really hard to do when I'm asking him to do it again but this time harder.

ahem.

So I'm supposed to list seven things that make me Awe-Summm. Which come on, only seven? But okay, I'll follow the rules.

  1. I'm hilarious yet humble. Okay, I'm not humble. Just hilarious.
  2. Your mom.
  3. I'm a photographer with a degree in Psychology and half-finished degree in Landscape Design. I'm a goddamn renaissance girl.
  4. I always thought 'Nsync was way better than The Backstreet Boys.
  5. I'm bringing the saying "up your nose with a rubber hose" back with a vengeance. I'm the Bruce Willis of comebacks.
  6. I'm always a few years behind on technology. And that shit is endearing...like in a totally "awww, she doesn't know how to use an ipod! how cute!" way.
  7. I'm planning my outfit for when 80's fashion comes back into style again. Picture this...red sparkle shirt, oversized belt, electric blue stirrup leggings and side ponytail.

See? Awe-Summm.

I'm supposed to tag seven people now. I'm going to break the rules and only tag one person. Betsey Booms. Because I know she won't do it and I know she'll fucking hate that I tagged her and I just love pissing her off because then she'll come over here and leave a hilarious mad comment. I hope it involves the words "asshole" and "fuckery".

Peace, bitches.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Turns Out Birds Are Totally Into Three-Ways

There was a duck three-way in our backyard last weekend. For reals. And I missed the whole thing. The one Saturday I actually work and wouldn't you know it....ducks choose that morning to get freaky in our backyard. When I got home from work, Captain Carl was all laying on the couch looking pathetic so I asked him what was wrong.

The Captain: The fucking ducks are what's wrong.
Me: What ducks?
The Captain: The ducks that decided to have a three-way in our backyard this morning.
Me: Wait, there was a duck three-way in our backyard?
The Captain: Yeah, and they were so loud I finally had to go out there and yell at them.
Me: So let me get this straight. There were three ducks in our backyard having sex...and you chased them off?
The Captain: Yeah, I heard quacking so I looked out the window and there's this female duck getting humped by a male duck and I thought that was pretty funny. And then I noticed there was a second male duck just standing there watching, which I thought was a huge invasion of privacy.
Me: Yes, way more huge than a human watching them do the dirty.
The Captain: Well, I was peeking through the blinds so they didn't know I was watching.
Me: So you're a Peeping Duck-Fuck Tom.
The Captain: Shut up.
Me: Your mom shuts up.
The Captain: Anyway, right in the middle of all the humping, the second duck pushes the first one off of her and then he starts going at it.
Me: And the female duck was okay with that?
The Captain: Well, she was quacking a lot and running around but she didn't FLY away, so I figured she was into it.
Me: What a slut. She was totally asking for it, obviously.
The Captain: And then they just took turns with her. One would jump on her and then the other would and back and forth they went. They were all over the backyard, they even came up on the patio for awhile.
Me: There were ducks humping on our patio? Oh my God, why weren't you videotaping this??
The Captain: Because I'm not into duck porn.
Me: Yeah but we could have SOLD it to the sick bastards that are. What's the matter with you? ALWAYS be thinking of the bottom line!
The Captain: Well, the quacking finally got annoying so I went out there and clapped my hands and yelled and they flew away.
Me: What did you yell? Get off the lawn, you punk ass ducks?
The Captain: Yeah, and then I shook my fist in the air.
Me: I can't believe I missed it. Nothing good like that ever happens when I'm here.
The Captain: It wasn't THAT interesting. Hey let's order chinese and watch a movie.
Me: Yeah, that's way more exciting than watching a duck orgy.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Oh Right, Mother's Day

Captain Carl and I were sitting on the couch watching tv last night when he suddenly says "Oh shit, my Mom!" to which I replied "Oh my God, MY Mom!" and then we both scrambled for our cell phones. As I'm running to the bedroom to call my Mom, I hear the Captain say "We're awesome children" and I yelled back "We should totally get an award for being so thoughtful".

So I'm pretty sure my Mom was punishing me for waiting so long to call her on Mother's Day, because she took every opportunity during our conversation to kick me while I was down.

Me: Happy End of Mother's Day!!
Mom: Thank you, I wondered if you were going to call.
Me: I wanted to keep you on the edge of your seat.
Mom: Oh you and your jokes.
Me: Yeah, you know me.
Mom: How are things going with the Captain's job hunt?
Me: Not so good, he hasn't found anything yet.
Mom: Hmmmm....well he just needs to get out there and find something.
Me: Really Mom? We hadn't thought of that yet, that's a great idea!
Mom: Well I'm just trying to help.
Me: I know Mom, I'm sorry.
Mom: Well that's a depressing subject, let's talk about something else.
Me: Okay. What have you and Dad been up to?
Mom: Oh you know, the usual. So how are things going with your renters?
Me: Fine, they are moving out at the end of this month. We've put up an ad for new renters and have a few people interested.
Mom: That's good. Be sure to have them clean their rooms really well before they leave.
Me: We will. Bambi has a cat, so I'm sure we'll have to deep clean that room after she moves out.
Mom: You let someone bring a cat into your house???
Me: Yes Mom, I told you that when she moved in.
Mom: That room is going to be destroyed.
Me: *sigh*
Mom: Absolutely destroyed.
Me: Well there's nothing I can do it about it now.
Mom: You are right about that. You'll probably have to rip out the carpet.
Me: Well, we can't afford to do that so we'll just make the best of it.
Dad: (who's been listening silently this whole time) Just remember sweetie, God never gives you more than you can handle. Everything happens for a reason. Whenever He closes a door, He opens a window.
Me: Thanks Dad.
Mom: Hmph. Well, your Dad is right. We love you very much, honey!
Me: Me too, Mom. I miss you.

And that's when I started crying.....because I really do miss my Mom. There's no one else on the planet that can make me feel so bad about myself and yet so loved at the same time.

No wonder I'm so fucked up.

Friday, May 8, 2009

If I Was A Superhero, My Name Would Be The Amazing Eardrum

Last weekend while the Captain was in Oklahoma, I heard something weird in our fireplace.

Before I continue, let me just tell you that I'm scared of our fireplace. I'm afraid to put my hand inside it. It's dark and creepy in there. And several times a year, I think an animal has fallen into the chimney.

That's what happened last weekend. I'm sitting in my comfy chair, being all comfy and watching dvr'd Nora Roberts movies on the Lifetime channel because they combine two of my favorite things in life.....cheesy romance novels and cheesy romance movies. I'm also eating cereal and peanut butter toast because that's what I like to eat when I'm all alone on the weekends because I'm not a cook and I'm also not a conformist and yes I will eat breakfast for dinner, so shut up Mr. Lives By The Rules! So I'm enjoying my Honey Bunches of Oats and my romantic movie about a man from Boston who moves to New Orrrrleans and lives in a haunted mansion and then he meets a hot lady and they have hot man and lady sex and then they find out that they are actually reincarnated star-crossed lovers who used to live in this very mansion!

Okay, so yeah....I'm all sitting there and then *boom* I hear this loud bang come from the fireplace. I freeze because holy shit, that came from. the. fireplace. I pause my movie and sit there in silence for a few minutes and I hear scuffling noises. Like something has fallen into the chimney and now is frantically trying to claw or peck or fly it's way out! Ahhh!

Then it got quiet and I forgot about it because the dude in my movie was having flashbacks to his former life and y'all! He was a servant woman in the mansion!

Well I don't have to tell you what happened next. The movie ended. Duh.

So yesterday the Captain and I were watching tv and I hear a bird chirping. I cock (hee hee) my head to the side and start listening with my superhuman hearing powers and wouldn't you know that I hear scratching and chirping coming from the fireplace. Yep, just as I suspected. There's an animal trapped in the chimney. I just know it.

So I told the Captain what I heard and I was all "I'm telling you, there's an animal in there" and he was all "You say that every spring" and I was all "What are you talking about?" and he was all "Every spring you think you hear a bird fall into the chimney and every year I have to crawl in there and open the damper and there's never anything in there" and I was all "Well this time there definitely IS something in there" and he was all "And then you say that every year" and I was all "Your mom says that every year" and then he was all "I'm not opening that damper" and I was all "your mom's a damper" and he was all "way to finish strong babe" and then I hit him in the face with his back scratcher.

And now the stupid bird has stopped making noises...that fucker better be dead and start smelling soon so that I can prove I was right all along.

**Edited Saturday morning because I just realized I spelled conformist wrong. What? Even super smart people like me make mistakes sometimes.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm Still Sick So Don't Expect Anything Witty From Me, Okay?

My throat is on fire, y'all. And my left lymph node is all hurty and swollen and I keep pushing on it trying to get it to stop being so sticky outy. And I'm pretty sure I had a fever today because I've been sweating off and on for no reason. I mean, fat girls do that on a normal day...but it was worse than usual. Plus my eyes are still itchy and my eyelids are swollen for some reason so I look like my face is trying to eat my eyes.

The Kiddo had an academic achievement award ceremony tonight (snore) and because I'm the best stepmom on the fucking planet, I got out of my sick pajamas, put on a bra and outside clothes and sat in a gymnasium for 2 hours to watch my kid's five seconds of recognition. I spent the rest of the 2 hours making fun of the other teenagers as they walked across the floor to get their awards. I kept whispering things to Captain Carl like "I've seen at least ten Billy Dee Williams moustaches so far" and "Since when is it okay for 16 year old girls to wear tube tops to school functions?" and "Look at that kid...I've seen better heads on boils!". Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself.

So I got my own award from miss. chief yesterday. It's not an academic achievement award, it's way better. So thanks miss. chief for recognizing how wonderful I am! It's about time someone did, damn it.


I'm passing this award on to Tracey at Green-Eyed Momster because she is just plain wonderful and she deserves it, yo. So "jugs" to you, Tracey!

Peace out nerds....

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Thanks For The Mucus, Jerkface

Having roommates is like having a gift that keeps on giving. Only the gift is an asshole and what it keeps giving you is shit like four day old dirty dishes and curly hairs on counter tops and mildewy laundry in the washing machine. And then you start fantasizing about all the different ways you can punch the gift without leaving a permanent mark. And it secretly makes you happy that the gift hates when your kid plays the same song on his trumpet over and over and you contemplate recording it and playing it at 5:30 in the morning so the gift will know how it feels to be kept up by noisy people when you are trying to sleep. It's like that kind of a gift.

Eco Nazi's been walking around for a week with some kind of snotty cold and I've been frantically clorox wiping every surface in my home ever since. But the fucker still got me sick....just when I thought I was in the clear, I woke up this morning with achy ears, a phlegmy throat and swollen nodes. Which sounds really sexy, but it is not. Well, it is kind of sexy when I do that hacking, old man clearing his throat thing. Rawr. But still....I feel gross and I'm putting all the blame on Eco's unwashed head. And no, it's not the swine flu. But it could be the dirty sheets flu, because there's a room full of those things right at the top of my staircase.

So there's some trouble a-brewin' in paradise, y'all. Eco and Kool Aid both have jobs and now they can no longer hide away in their room 20 hours a day. They've joined the civilized world and have made some friends. At least Eco has made some friends. Okay, one friend. I know this because this one friend has been over at our house several times. Did I mention this friend is female? And she only comes over when Kool Aid is at work. Yep. I do believe Eco is steppin' out on his woman.

He's made a super ridiculous effort to tell the Captain and I several times that he's trying to set his friend up with a guy that Kool Aid works with and that's the only reason she keeps coming over, plus she's helping him fix his moped. I didn't realize he's keeping his moped up in his bedroom behind a closed door. Weird. Captain Carl asked him if Kool Aid knows about this friend, and Eco was all "Oh yeah man, she's met her and so it's totally legit that I've got her up in my locked bedroom the whole time Kool Aid's at work". He is so smooth. And by "smooth" I mean "dumber than a box of rocks".

I think Kool Aid knows this friend has been hanging around the house when she's gone, because she's been fighting a lot with Eco lately. Two nights ago I could hear yelling from outside and when I went to investigate, the two of them were standing on the front stoop screaming at each other. Thanks for sharing your anger with all my neighbors, kids. I'm sure they loved the show. Hey, how about next time you take it to the end of the driveway and maybe throw some shit at each other? Things are kind of slow in the suburbs, we could use the entertainment.

I'm actually kind of sad that they are moving out soon and we won't get to see how this little drama ends. Although I imagine it will go something like this...

Eco cheats on Kool Aid
Kool Aid finds out
Kool Aid gets angry
Eco placates Kool Aid
Kool Aid believes his shit
Eco cools it with his friend
Eco finds new friend
Eco cheats on Kool Aid
Kool Aid finds out
Eco blames Kool Aid
Eco says Kool Aid isn't fun anymore
Eco says Kool Aid drove him away
Kool Aid believes his shit
Eco keeps cheating
Kool Aid puts up with it
Eco quits his job
Kool Aid works two jobs
Eco spends all Kool Aid's money
Kool Aid gets fat
Eco leaves

It's pretty much your classic All-American love story.

Monday, May 4, 2009

My Flesh Eating Plants Will Kick Your Ass

Hurrah! My prize arrived in the mail today from Steam Me Up, Kid! I got home from work and the package was sitting on the counter and I got all jumpy and clappy like I'm prone to do and then I ripped that mother open.

Behold, my major award.


It's a terrarium with beastly carnivorous plant seeds included. Hells ya!

I pulled it out right away (that's what she said) because I could not wait to get this party started.

The terrarium is pretty much klassy with a k, people.


It seemed kind of weird to me, but it smelled a lot like a gynecologist's office.

And then I noticed this.


The hell??? I do believe that is a purple clam.

And this thing came with a baggie full of drugs of some kind.


I snorted two of them before reading that they are actually Venus Flytrap seeds. Venus Flytrap? Come on guy-who-names-plants! How much more blatant can you be? Please. I bet you really wanted to name them "vagina penis trappers" but you didn't have the balls to go through with it so you came up with this clever substitute.

Anyway...I got the vagina penis trapper seeds all snug in their little terrarium and now I just have to sit back and wait for them to grow and turn into vicious flesh-eating killers.

I can't wait!



Steamy included a little note for me and added this sweet postscript...



Awwww.....olive juice you too, Steamy.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Cube Farm Is Sucking My Will To Live

For the past seven years, I have spent the majority of my waking hours in a cubicle. My cubicle used to be big and roomy and had windows so I could see the outside world. And then my company downsized and then downsized again and then downsized yet again. And now I no longer have a window and my cubicle is so small that it only qualifies as a cubelet.

And that is where I spend nine hours a day, five days a week. I say nine hours instead of eight because we're broke, so I bring my lunch and eat it at my desk almost every day. It's depressing to even write about it.

So to combat the depressing fact that I am exposed to more fluorescent light than sunlight, I have filled my cubelet with things that make me smile and laugh. I have many pictures of the Kiddo, the Captain and my nieces. I have a few plants to remind me that there is a world somewhere out there that is alive and green and not all shades of gray.

I also have this stuff....

The most awesome mouse pad on the planet.
Hung on the wall for maximum effectiveness.


Stupid cat calendar with cut out picture of Harry Connick Jr. taped to it.
Ahhhh, Harry....you complete me.


Creepy chocolate finger on a stick that I received on Halloween.
I use it to point at people when they piss me off.


Picture of Rainn Wilson dressed as Xena Warrior Princess.
I've had more questions about this than anything else in my cubelet. People get confused and say things like "Who's she?" and "Whoa, Xena really let herself go."

But my absolute favorite items hanging in my cubelet are all the cards that came with the flowers Captain Carl has sent me at work over the past seven years. There are many...I've got the Captain wrapped around my little pinky. Like a string, people.

This one is my favorite.


Yeah, I call him Big Daddy...what of it?




Saturday, May 2, 2009

Turn Out The Lights, The Party's Over

The roommates are moving out at the end of the month. Their leases are up and they've all decided not to stay. I don't know why, seeing how we all got along so wonderfully and I was totally like a den mother and everyone loved us and I will miss them so much.

Or not.

I would totally be celebrating right now if we didn't need the rent money. I'm torn between being happy and being freaked out, so I thought it would help to make a pro and con list about Eco Nazi, Kool Aid and Bambi.

Cons
  • Dirt tracked into my house on a daily basis
  • Nasty dishes left in the sink for four days straight
  • Never having a fucking spoon to eat off because apparently they are hording them upstairs.
  • Lots of garbage and recycling that never gets taken out because apparently we are their maids
  • Mopeds everywhere
  • My upstairs shower drain getting clogged up every two days from their gross hair
  • Stupid questions like "Whatcha doin'?" and "Why you doin' that?" and "Hey guess what?"
  • A cat being locked up in one of the bedrooms with a litter box that never gets cleaned
  • Feeling my IQ dropping every time I have to listen to them talk to each other
  • Finding unwashed hairs on a plate....after I've eaten off it
  • Huge loads of laundry sitting in the washer for days at a time
  • Being a raging bitch all the time

Okay, I'm pretty much that last one anyway so maybe it shouldn't count.

Pros
  • Their money
  • The blogging material they give me

Hmmmm...I don't really feel any better.

We'll only have a few more weeks with the Wonder Twins and Sister Airhead. They paid their last month of rent today and now the Captain and I have to hustle to find new renters by June. The scary part is we will have to show prospective renters their rooms...while the idiots are still living in them.

shudder