Monday, January 4, 2010

Still No Spicy Weiner Up In Here

Carlos Spicy Weiner is still in doggie jail.

Captain Carl is not giving in, people. I'm thinking of withholding sex. I was thinking of withholding blowjobs first, but then I remembered that I'm married and therefore am already doing that. I gave the Captain a handy last night and I was all whispering "Do you feel like your 18 again and in the backseat of your dad's car?" and he was all "Oh yeah" and I was all "Feel good, baby?" and he was all "Mmmm hmmm" and then I was all "Enjoy it, because it's the last one you're getting until Carlos moves in" and then he was all "I can do this myself, nice try". So now I have to withhold sex altogether because the plastic pussy he has in the bedside drawer will only entertain him for so long.

Maybe if I sold "Save Carlos" t-shirts???


Kim said...

I once got Jason to read Roots because I told him I'd give in and have anal sex with him. And damned if he didn't-- cover to cover. That is one long freakin' book, too. Fortunately, I plea bargained my way out of it, but I'm telling ya, put it out there. Their eyes get those cartoon hypnotic swirls and they will agree to anything.

Houston said...

OK, here is my advice.

That plastic thingie in the drawer by his side of the bed and put some jalapeƱo juice or Tabasco in there.

The Captain will quickly lose interest in that.

Next be sure to arrange to have someone walk in on him every time he "Flogs the Dog." Preferably not you as he would like that.


(Actually this is good for me because I think I may move to doing illustrations of Captain Carl now instead of Carlos.)


Cassie said...

Throw the plastic pussy away. Or, at least hide it for awhile. You must save Carlos!

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahahha, Tabasco in the plastic snatch! Works every time.


Amanda said...

What kind of cold hearted person wouldn't go immediately and save that sweet puppy? Are you sure your husband isn't a little bit of a sociopath? I'm sure he's not but I mean -- you already NAMED the dog. Withholding sex has to do it! FREE CARLOS!

diane said...

Listen babe, are you my moron twin or what? Because if it was me, I would just go down there and bring the dog home, end of story. It's worth the fight.

diane said...

P.S. - throw out the plastic pussy.

Claire said...

Oh heeeeel no.
I have so many inappropriate comments it's f-ing bananas.
I'd REALLY like a shirt. But, it has to have the pointy penis looking thing on it that is on the photo. Because thats how I roll.

Kurt said...

If you do adopt him, Captain Carl's wang will be lower in the pack order than the dog.

Your Mom put in a pack order last night by the way.

Ed Adams said...

I'd buy a shirt, but only if you put boobs on it so that it matches my other shirts.

Also, thanks for helping to realize what the fuck happened to the BJ-fairy.

Damn you marriage! *shakes fist at marriage*

Sarah P said...

What the frickety fruck? How was it possible I wasn't already following you? My cyberstalking skills are lacking.
Support for Miss Yvonne withholding BJs for as long as it takes to save Carlos Spicy Weiner!
Hell NO! She won't GO (down)!
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Miss Yvonne will not blow!
1, 2, 3, 4, you won't find Yvonne on the floor. 4, 3, 2, 1, your blow job days are over and done!
(I could keep going ...)

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Okay, my first question is, was the Captain there to see the love in the dog's eyes, or did you just have to detail it secondhand?

Because my heartless husband was all "NO DOGS," and then I cried for two days straight while showing him the picture of the dog we needed to save RIGHTNOW and he finally consented to "just going to look," and then he saw our little dog and she was sprung from puppy jail in 5 minutes flat.

If he has already seen the dog and his robot heart still didn't flutter to life, I suggest a combination of sexual rewards and punishments: throw away all toys, withhold sex, offer the sexual act he wants but will never get in exchange for the dog, and BE SURE to burst in on him when he is doing the jerkity-jack and say something about his mother.

If this doesn't work, I will need more time to think.

la isla d'lisa said...

Don't make me have done this fer nuthin'!
Do as Diane says ... besides, once you get Carlos home he'll end up Captain Carl's best bud anyway ... it's the Way of Things.

The Jules said...

You could promise to get a dog and train it to lick cream off his penis.

It'd have to be a female dog though. Nothing perverted.

Moooooog35 said...

I've been robbed.

I knew there was a problem as soon as I heard the 'no blow jobs' and 'withholding sex' things in my wife's wedding vows.


Anonymous said...

He's such a wiener.

otherworldlyone said...

Those plastic pussies are really weird. Like an alien vagina.


AtYourCervix said...

I'm with Diane on this one - just go adopt Carlos and bring him home. No BJs, no sex toys, + a new dog in the house. He (Capt Carl) will give in and accept you as his master. Eventually.

KATHY said...

I would have kept the dog when it first came to your house. Don't let him tell you what to do! Men, they're not worth it. Dogs are worth it!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

YEAH! It's easier to get forgiveness than permission! I never thought I'd say that because usually when some guy uses that logic I start throwin elbows, but it's a DOG.

You know, my sick dog died this weekend, leaving me with a mere three dogs. It turns out THREE is the loneliest number (of dogs). If you adopt him and don't like him, I'll come drive to Texas and pick him up. I'm not kidding.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

1445 miles from me to you.

I googlemapped it.