Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Who's Your Daddy? I'm Pretty Sure It's Not This Guy.

Captain Carl and I are sitting on the couch watching TV. My cat, Max, is sitting on the ottoman in front of us. Renty walks into the room...

Renty: (to Max) There's the wittle pwincess!
Me: *blink*
Renty: You are such a wittle pwincess! Yes you are!
Captain Carl: Oh yeah, she's so sweet I can hardly stand it.
Renty: You have green eyes, just like Daddy...I mean, just like me!
Me: *scared face*

Then Renty picks up Max's front legs and starts kissing the top of her head. Max is looking at me all "Don't just sit there, help me bitch!" but I'm all "Uh...ha ha haaaa?" because y'alll! I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. I guess since I wouldn't stop him, Max had to take matters into her own paws...

She coughed up a hairball.

It worked.

Renty let her go immediately and was all "She's quite the charmer, isn't she?" and Max was all "Charm this, kitty rapist" and then coughed up another one and then Renty just turned away and went back upstairs. We sat there in silence for about a minute. Then the Captain leaned over and whispered in my ear "Just like Daddy???".

Does anyone know the number for Cat Protective Services?
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33 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 14, 2009 at 8:48 AM

    I don't know whether laughing would be appropriate here or not. So, I'm just going to go with it. Haahah "daddy?" Really? The cat had the right idea. Barf!

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  2. erinJuly 14, 2009 at 9:10 AM

    I had a neighbor who was always talking to me like that. I spit in his face once and it cleared that obsession right up.

    I made that up. Totally. I didn't spit in his face I pissed in his coffee. Same thing.

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  3. AnonymousJuly 14, 2009 at 9:17 AM

    Go Max!!!! Max is my new Idol. I lovey wovey Max!!!!

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  4. KimJuly 14, 2009 at 9:19 AM

    So Renty's a GAY cat lover?

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  5. Miss YvonneJuly 14, 2009 at 9:21 AM

    Kim: Max is a girl...short for Maxine. But still. Eeeww.

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  6. Mrs. BoomsJuly 14, 2009 at 9:39 AM

    Wait. WTF is the matter with that dude?

    Kissing a cat's head is one thing. Claiming fatherhood of cat is another. Have you done a paternity test?

    Maury all the way.

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  7. dianeJuly 14, 2009 at 10:06 AM

    I would make Renty move out. He's weird, in a slasher-movie kind of way. Seriously, the guy give me the weebie jeebies.

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  8. NellieJuly 14, 2009 at 10:47 AM

    oh man, i would puked hairballs on him too.

    that dude is weeeeeeiiiiirrrrd.

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  9. Little Ms BloggerJuly 14, 2009 at 11:00 AM

    I hope your other cats take cue from Max and just cough up hairballs at Renty's feet.

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  10. kate sweetenJuly 14, 2009 at 11:11 AM

    At least your cat has a good reason to barf all over...mine just yacks on window sills just to be a dick. Just tell Renty that "meow means no!"

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  11. Steam Me Up, KidJuly 14, 2009 at 11:28 AM

    In high school we were taught in rape awareness class to do something weird or gross if attacked, like eat grass, bark like a dog, or bleat. (Rapers aren't into the crazies, apparently. They're picky like that.) Your cat gets an A plus, way to go the extra mile, Max!

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  12. KurtJuly 14, 2009 at 11:41 AM

    Is cat rape even illegal in Texas? I'm pretty sure it's a sport.

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  13. CandiceJuly 14, 2009 at 12:07 PM

    That guy really needs to get laid more.

    man, woman, it doesn't even matter.

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  14. VicJuly 14, 2009 at 12:58 PM

    It's becoming clearer all the time why Renty is renting a room.

    At least he's not into hairballs. That would be kinky.

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  15. Mona LottJuly 14, 2009 at 1:03 PM

    Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahh!

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  16. KristineJuly 14, 2009 at 1:27 PM

    Wait a second, I believe Renty was obliged to clean up hairball puke pile. Drag his who's-your-daddy ass back in here!

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  17. HarnaJuly 14, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! I'm dying over here....

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  18. LanaJuly 14, 2009 at 3:03 PM

    and you were worried when eco and kool left that he was too normal to provide decent blogging material.

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  19. http://howtobecomeacatladywithoutthecats.blogspot.comJuly 14, 2009 at 3:22 PM

    Maybe you should buy Renty an "Inflate-a-cat" for his birthday. (Just tryin' to help Max out here.)

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  20. TotsJuly 14, 2009 at 3:51 PM

    All I'm sayin' is if you hear him yellin' "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" late at night, leave...

    Incest is afoot.

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  21. *Akilah Sakai*July 14, 2009 at 5:31 PM

    I see nothing wrong with this story. It happens at least once a week around my parts.

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  22. July 14, 2009 at 6:54 PM

    yikes. Renty McLuvsURCat is getting weirder by the day. Hopefully he didn't have to leave the room because he was all *excited* about the gift of hairballs....

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  23. dianeJuly 14, 2009 at 7:10 PM

    I LOVE CatLadyLarew's idea! You should totally do that.

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  24. Green-Eyed MomsterJuly 14, 2009 at 10:15 PM

    Oh my, that is a bit disturbing. Makes you miss Eco's meat dripping in your fridge, huh?

    Hugs!!

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  25. miss. chiefJuly 14, 2009 at 10:37 PM

    ohh maxy waxy come to mommy kitty kitty pretty kitty...
    ...ohhhh heyyyy guys i didn't see you there...i was just saying hello to your cat

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  26. Captain CarlJuly 14, 2009 at 11:49 PM

    miss.chief,

    That's already happened... Our formal dining area is now our office (having lost the office to storage)and I happened to be sitting out there on morning as Renty was leaving for work. I guess he didn't hear me because he got don on his knees and started kissing Max on the head and making with the baby talk. Poor guy about pissed his pants when I coughed. True story

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  27. LindsayJuly 15, 2009 at 1:27 AM

    My favorite cat assault is when they sneeze and a bunch of nasty spit goes flying out of their mouth onto the face of the unsuspecting. I bet he'll try that next time.

    lindsay || newyorkwords.net

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  28. AlysonJuly 15, 2009 at 12:21 PM

    There's a cat thing going on around here....

    Loving your blog!

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  29. AnonymousJuly 15, 2009 at 1:29 PM

    WOW - there are just no words....

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  30. DKCJuly 15, 2009 at 5:13 PM

    Okay - between this post AND Capt Carl's comment(!) I think perhaps a feline "intervention" might be needed.

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  31. LindseyJuly 16, 2009 at 1:52 PM

    Wow, you find weird tenants, dude!

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  32. Joanna JenkinsJuly 16, 2009 at 8:17 PM

    Laughing OUT LOUD --- AGAIN! You are a riot ! ! !

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  33. A Kitchen WitchSeptember 3, 2010 at 10:23 PM

    Seriously! I didn't read this before leaving that comment on your banana post and now I don't want you to get the wrong idea about my husband. I swear...cat UTI not enduced by my hubs just an odd coincidence. I SWEAR! Now, I'll be doomed in blogland as the lady with the kitty rapist husband.

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