At bedtime with Captain Carl
Me: Oooh, I'm freezing!
Captain: Come over here then.
Me: *hugs the Captain* My hands are still cold.
Captain: Put your hand on my crotch.
Me: No, I'm too tired.
Captain: You want to warm up?
Me: Yes.
Captain: Then cup my balls.
Me: What? No.
Captain: Do it.
Me: No!
Captain: Do it. Cup 'em.
Me: But they're sweaty! *sticks hand behind Captain's knee*
Captain: That's not my balls.
Me: Oh come on!
Captain: You don't have to stroke or anything, just cup 'em.
Me: Fine. *cups balls* There.
Captain: Is your hand warmer now?
Me: Yeah.
Captain: See? I know what I'm talking about.
Me: Great, now my hand smells like sweaty ball sack.
Captain: That's the smell of warmth, baby.
Me: Shut up.
Captain: *sings* You know it's truuue, everything I doooo, I do it for youuuu....
Me: You're a moron.
Captain: A moron currently getting his balls cupped. Maybe you should squeeze a little.
Me: No.
*silence*
Captain: You know, I have above average sized balls.
Me: Dude, I was almost asleep.
Captain: It's true.
Me: Whatever.
Captain: Totally true. And amazing.
Me: I'm rolling over now.
Captain: My balls say "you're welcome".
Me: Oh yeah? My fist says "your mom".
Captain: You just had to get one more in before we fall asleep, huh?
Me: That's what she said.
*silence*
Captain: *whispering* Hey.
Me: *whispering* What?
Captain: Maybe next time you squeeze a little.
Oh my God, I thought this kind of thing only happened at my house. Thank you. It's like a PSA for husbandry.
ReplyDeleteCaptain Carl is such a manly man. He and his above average ball sack and all.
ReplyDeleteI saw Bryan Adams and ball sack and thought this post was going in a totally different direction...
ReplyDeleteHahahaha!
ReplyDeleteAwesome. I am so trying the Capt handwarming method tonight with the wife.
You shouldn't give up the squeeze until he gives up the Carlos.
I find it fascinating that you two are married and you still touch his genitals.
ReplyDeleteI cry sometimes.
OMG, I am sooo laughing my ass off! You two were made for each other! xoxo
ReplyDeleteHow does Captain know his balls are bigger than average? Will you make this ball cupping a nightly routine?
ReplyDeleteThe Captain is my hero.
ReplyDeleteI'm envious. I never get invited to cup my mans balls. Maybe I will try saying my hands are cold and see where that gets me.
ReplyDeleteThis was pretty much like watching "The Notebook" or that scene in Titanic where they hump in the car.
ReplyDeleteYou can't spell Titanic without the "tit" is the moral of this story.
This just sound like a conversation my husband would love to have in our bed!
ReplyDeleteWhat is it about men??
ReplyDeleteI think you should come home tonight with an electric blanket, singing "Electric Avenue".
I'm just glad your ears weren't cold.
ReplyDeleteThe real question is...how does he know his ball size is above average? Does he cup other men's balls?
ReplyDeleteIf you squeezed them, would you have gotten Carlos?
How does one ascertain if one's scrotum is of above average dimensions?
ReplyDeleteMy mates are a bit too repressed to get them to compare and contrast, and when I went to the pig farm I just felt inferior.
LMAO. A friend of mine just started dating a guy who apparently has a ball squeezing fetish. Like, he owns a ball stretcher and pointed her to some fetish websites for her to check out LOL. Is it wrong for me to be like "GET OUT NOW!"?
ReplyDeleteAren't balls supposed to be a slightly lower temperature than the rest of a man's body? He tricked you!
ReplyDeleteOh! Cold hands are the worst! He is a kind and generous husband. Give him a little squeeze.
ReplyDeleteThat's fantastic! My husband went to the doctor for a physical the other day and when he got home was all "ugh...I got my balls cupped" and I told him that was awesome, because now I wouldn't have to do it.
ReplyDeleteThat SO made me laugh. For reals. Out loud.
ReplyDeleteI just put my cold hands on any of the Mr's exposed skin. Is that wrong?
There is nothing as pleasant as a lady cupping a dude's hairy peas. Well actually there are plenty other stuff as pleasant. Like when she squeezes a little. I'm just saying.
ReplyDeleteI agree. You'll squeeze a little when his isn't the only wiener in the house. :) Yay Carlos!
ReplyDelete(Sorry Captain!)
OMG this is so funny. He has you wrapped around his finger, I mean ball sack. And still trying to figure out how Bryan Adams/Kevin Costner get worked into it.
ReplyDeleteHoly larger-than-average ballsack, Batman!
ReplyDeleteI hate going to bed with sweaty ballsack hands. I tuck my fingers under my cheek then wake up wondering why everything smells vaguely like piss and cheetos.
this exact same thing happened to me last night (with less witty banter). my husband thought this blog entry was hilarious. i agree.
ReplyDeleteWhat a touching and heartwarming story! ;)
ReplyDeleteI laughed so hard my husband made me read this out loud to him... Then he offered to warm my hands.
ReplyDeleteHa!
xo
what are you doing anywhere near him until you have Carlos Spicy Weiner? It's never going to work if you can't hold out. I wouldn't even want him in my bed. he can take his sweaty ballsack and go sleep on the couch!
ReplyDeleteI think the Captn. should get an award for balls.
ReplyDeleteYou should get an award for putting up with it.
You should both get an award for being an honestly good couple. :)
Someone needs to point out to Richard, above, that it's more of a ball warming story. Or a hand warming story, to be technical. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know those little hand warmers you have to crack and then they give off heat?
ReplyDeleteWell...somethin somethin nutcracker. Booya!
I just didn't know how to segue.
So glad I am not the only one with these conversations!
ReplyDeleteObviously you two are perfect for each other.
ReplyDeleteFreaking hilarious.
I have several variations of this conversation all the time. It truly is a guy thing.
ReplyDeleteAhaha. This totally reminds me of my "Conversations with DH" posts. SOOOO freaking funny.
ReplyDeleteOh, btw, GO COWBOYS! Bahaha. I seriously laughed out loud at your comment - I swear to god, you leave the funniest comments out of any reader I have. So keep em coming. :P
P.S. I hate the fucking Cowboys.
Oh, and I saw Bryan Adams in concert with the Rolling Stones and it was totally awesome!
ReplyDeleteAnd my husband tells me to stick my cold feet in is butt cheeks - and leave the balls alone. I guess it's all a matter of preference...
My husband and I have a code for people with sweat ball hands-
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thehousewifediaries.com/2009/10/do-you-remember-seinfeld-episode-with.html