The Captain is an avid reader and has a huge............vocabulary. Ahhh ha ha, you thought I was going to say something else there, right? Dirty.
He loves to use his huge vocab against me (that's what she said) by throwing words I've never heard of into a conversation. If I ask him what it means, he tells me to Google it and then laughs hysterically when he sees the look of horror on my face after I do. This is his favorite trick to play on me.
Last night the word was "felching".
I'm warning you now....if you don't already know what felching is, do not Google it if you are easily offended or at work. Seriously.
See? You can't say I didn't warn you, people.
The word he used before that one was "blumpkin".
Blech.
I'm not stupid, so I know when the Captain is playing this trick on me. The reason it keeps working is because he knows I can't stand not knowing what the words mean and he refuses to tell me so I'm forced to look it up and be grossed out. But I always get back at him by jumping on him and twisting his nipples because he says he can't stand when I do that (but come on, I know he loves it because all men love that, right?). Either that, or I sing "My Humps" by Fergie to him over and over, which sounds like it would be really funny and awesome, but for some reason the Captain hates it. He says it's because he can only hear me sing "Ima get get get get you drunk get you love drunk off my humps" so many times before he wants to jump off the roof, which I totally don't get because those lyrics are pretty much like a window into my soul and I would think he'd like a glimpse in there once in a while, but apparently not.
Some of you might be wondering how in the hell Captain Carl knows what the meaning of these words are in the first place. He said to tell you that your mom showed him.
hee hee
P.S. Thanks to my buddy Houston, who emailed me last night and told me to go to bed and buy pop tarts. I love it when people do what I say.
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14 comments:
I would guess he watches a lot of porn. My guy friends play those jokes on me. "Hey Nikki come look at this video!!" Okay dee dee dee. OMG!!!
Yep, it's pretty much a man thing.
Funny on several levels:
1) I am glad that he likely appreciates being called "Hot Carl" which is what I think every damn time you put his name up there.
2) I was, strangely, just on a sex dictionary online in another tab as I came across your post. http://www.sex-lexis.com/Sex-Dictionary/
3) I looked up blumpkin on the urban dictionary, and if I were married to him, I would be in fear that he introduces these terms as a means to introduce things to spice up the relationship beyond the Fergilicious singalongs. Because...GROSS. Way grosser than Felching. How much does he enjoy the two girls one cup video?
4) My oldest sister and I, when we first got computers/internet/email/etc. in like 1998 or so, would find sick sick stuff online and send people emails with things like "Oh my gosh, check out this super cute site about penguins!" and the link would take them scat.com or somethine else totally gross.
Bwa ha aha!
So my husband and I had an entire day where we spent the afternoon on Urban Dictionary looking up felching and blumpkins.
Yes, those very words.
In the end, I was sick to my stomach.
My husband said he had something to fix that.
It was the same thing that supposedly fixes my sore throat too.
Pig.
I lived in this huge apartment complex off of campus my junior year of college - when my roommate and I met the neighbors, I almost choked when one of the guys told us his name was "Casey Felcher". It turns out that his name was actually "Fletcher" or "Fisher" or something boring and not nearly as funny. I called him Casey Felcher until the day we moved out. I don't think he liked me very much.
I thought it couldn't get any worse and then Amy Kate had to mention the 2 girls 1 cup video. I try to live life as if I've never seen that video.
Excuse me, I need to go burn my eyes out.
Last night just to piss off my own hubby (for some sin I can't rightly recall at the moment but I'm sure was really bad -hehe)I played Alanis Morissette's cover of "My Humps" really loud until he begged for mercy. I'm not sure which one of us got the fuzzy end of the lollipop on that one.
Who thinks up these terms? And who would actually 'felch'? I've known a million people in my lifetime and I think I can safely say that no one actually does that. I can just hear my boyfriend saying now,"She that protests the loudest.."
I had one boyfriend who said to me "can i pee on you?" in one moment in a super drunk action marathon. He was a funny guy, and I'm pretty sure he was kidding, but...
I declined, OBVIOUSLY, but of course told my friends and eventually my husband about it because, well, that's funny stuff.
Poor guy's nickname went from "good sex ed" to "pee on me ed" in one fell swoop.
ANYWAY, point being that that is the extent of weird requests in the bedroom in my illustrious past. And anything else....I would likely have become a non-sexual being because i'd be so grossed out.
That's a good game. I like big fun words - not necessarily dirty ones. Like anthropomorphizing. That is a good fucking word!
I don't know what felching is but I won't be looking it up because unfortunately I do know what a blumpkin is and, ew. My college roommate had a boyfriend for awhile (why she ever dated him i still don't understand) who would ask her to do things like give him a blumpkin and since she didn't know what these things were she would look them up on the internet. and then tell us about it. and then we would tell her to DUMP HIM. As far as I know she never did any of these things, but she may have never told us. I know I sure as hell wouldn't have admitted it!
Nikki: He does watch porn...what guy doesn't?
Amy Kate: I am soooo gonna start calling him "Hot Carl". He will love that. But don't worry, he's not trying to integrate that gross stuff into our sex life...unlike that ex of yours. "Can I pee on you"??? Ummm, no I'd rather you didn't...thanks anyway.
Betsey: My husband and your husband would be bff's in real life.
Kate: hee hee, you said "choked" and "felcher" in the same sentence. Awesome.
rachie: I have never watched the two girls one cup video...Captain Carl watched it and told me I am better off never seeing it.
Solanaceae: I had no idea Alanis did a cover of My Humps! I'm off to download it...
erin: I actually said the same thing to the Captain...who would ever want to do that? He told me not to ask people that question because I might be shocked at the answer.
Dana's Brain: Big words are awesome. I was going to tell you my favorite big words, but all I can think of is "rollerskating" and I'm pretty sure there are words way longer than that one.
Cassie: hee hee,you said DUMP.
Oh, look this is a good game. :)
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I think you just made "My Humps" awesome... Which I would have previously thought impossible. You are magic.
I know what felching AND blumpkin mean...because I've read "Invisible Monsters" by Chuck Palahniuk. I suspect Carl has read it too....if he hasn't, make him.
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