I'll Take "Things That Should Never Ever Happen" For 500, Alex.

Yesterday Marian was packing up her things in preparation for her move to Ireland.

Yesterday Emo came over to help her pack.

Yesterday Marian asked Emo to do some laundry for her.

Yesterday Emo had to take my laundry out of the dryer so that he could put Marian's laundry in it.

Yesterday Emo touched my granny panties. A lot.

The End.

Emo, Enchiladas & The Suicide Girls

Captain Carl and I decided to splurge a few weekends ago and went out for dinner. We don't do that much these days because of this new thing we've got called The Budget. I hate The Budget. The Budget is an asshole. The Budget insists that we capitalize his name because he's soooo important. The Budget is always saying stupid shit like "I don't think you need to buy that shirt" and "Chick-fil-a is not a necessity" and "Making the car payment is more important than driving to Shreveport to gamble". When Captain Carl gets a job, the first thing I'm going to do is punch The Budget right in the face and I'm gonna be holding a credit card in my fist because irony is painful and awesome.

So we invited the Kiddo and his best friend, Emo, to come with us to dinner because I really wanted to piss off The Budget that day. The boys were out "looking for jobs" aka "driving aimlessly while looking for hot babes", so they agreed to meet us at the restaurant. We chose the Mexican place that has the most awesome salsa and the Captain and I settled down to a couple of frosty margaritas and a basket of chips. An hour later, I'm half in the bag and the moron twins have still not arrived.

We were about to give up and order when they sauntered in, looking all Outsider-ish with their black t-shirts and rolled-up jeans and when they sat down, I was all "Stay golden, Ponyboy" and they just stared at me like I was an alien so I shrugged and chugged the rest of my 3rd margarita. Also, they might not have looked anything like the Outsiders, but when they walked in I was thinking "I wonder what Ralph Macchio is up to these days?" and that's where my mind went with things. Shut up.

So the boys are there and we're there and we're all talking and eating enchiladas and I'm laughing my ass off because the boys are there and Emo's too loud and too obnoxious and all pimply and I just want to hug him but I know he'd freak out and say something dumb like "I'm not into old chicks" or "Ohmygod your stepmom's boob just touched my arm" so I don't.

The conversation naturally turned to girls, as it always does with teenage boys. Emo is having a problem getting over a girl, and by "having a problem" I mean "sits outside her house at night in his car" and "follows her around at school" and "calls her 20 times a day". He's basically stalking this girl and I would feel sorry for her, except that she clearly loves it because the minute he starts leaving her alone, she starts calling him. It's exactly something I would have done in high school and yes okay, I actually did do it but only for a few months and only because the guy was losing his hair in the 11th grade so he was totally asking for it.

Anyway, the Captain was trying to teach Emo how to meet new girls because he's a big social retard and he's made the unfortunate mistake of picking my son as his best friend. The Kiddo has an ego the size of Canada (big ups to my Canadian blog friends, yo!) and honestly believes he can get any girl he wants. He's inherited his father's charm and he has no fear when it comes to girls, so I guess the Captain thinks he can help poor Emo with this too.

One of the hostesses at the restaurant goes to their school and according to the Kiddo, is totally hot. So the Captain suggested to Emo that he go up to her and say hi. Emo got all googly-eyed and jerky and said no way. So the Kiddo, our little Rico Suave wannabe, is all "Let me show you how it's done" and walked over to her. Let me tell y'all, watching your kid smile and flirt and fling his hair out of his eyes while the girl he's talking to bats her eyelashes is about the most fun a parent can have. Especially when you're on your 4th margarita.

The Kiddo came back to the table with a big smile and a new phone number, and Emo kept saying "How do you do that??". I suspect this is partly why the Kiddo hangs out with Emo. I imagine the constant ego strokes are addictive. The Kiddo just shrugs his shoulders and is all "Meh, I just do it. It's a gift." and Emo is all "Dude, you are the master!" and the Kiddo is all "Heh heh, you said master" and Emo is all "Yeah! MasterBATOR" and they just sit there laughing hysterically at their awesome joke and then I banged their heads together like in The Three Stooges only without Moe, which worked out just fine because everyone knows Moe was a total asshole.

So Emo recovers after a few minutes with "She's not my type anyway" and I asked him what is his type. Captain Carl pipes up with "Girls who wear a lot of eyeliner and hoodies" which both of us found hilarious but the boys didn't seem to get the joke. Maybe because they weren't on their 5th margarita like I was. Emo said he's not sure what his type is and I figured I knew exactly what his type was, so I'm all "I bet you like the Suicide Girls, right?" and Emo is all "What's that?" and then the Kiddo laughed and was all "Dude, don't pretend you don't know! Like you haven't spanked it to the Suicide Girls about a thousand times!". And then we all looked expectantly at Emo, who actually blushed and then was all "okay yeah" and then "I can't believe you said 'spanked it' in front of your parents!" and the Kiddo was all "Meh, I've said worse" and I was all "This is true" and then I ordered my 6th margarita.

And this is why the Captain and I should win a parenting award. It's okay, you can say it....we're awesome. We're like the Jon & Kate of Texas. Except with less divorce and spiky hair.

The One Where Emo Offers To Kiss My Son

We scheduled a college campus visit for the Kiddo last Saturday at one of his top choices. A few days earlier, Captain Carl asked me if we should invite Emo along. I laughed hysterically and was all "Bwahahahaa! You are hilarious!" and he was all "I'm serious" and I was all "Hoot! Stop stop! You're killing me here!" and he was all "I'm totally serious" and I was all "Hilarity! Hil. Ar. Ity." and then I wiped away my tears of laughter and realized that the Captain had fallen silent and was now staring into space with his exasperated husband face on.

(He made me black bar his eyes...to protect his secret nerd identity.)

I was all "Wait, you're SERIOUS???".

So yeah, apparently the Captain thought it would be nice to bring Emo along since Emo's parents don't seem to be in hurry to help him get into a college (or at least try to get in) and since the Captain was raised by hippies and all that peace love and happiness and a little bit of weed stuff (okay a lot), he wanted to help Emo. I, on the other hand, wanted a quiet six hour drive.

Guess what?

Yeah, Emo totally came along.

So instead of quiet, the day involved amazing amounts of loudness, gross smells and many many Emo-isms.....

Emo on what he wanted for lunch:
"I need me a big ole' side of woman!"

Emo on the English language:
"I make up words all the time that should totally be in the dictionary. Like spagstonstic. Doesn't that sound like a real word?"

Emo on his lunch at Dairy Queen:
"I'm gonna run a train on these curly fries."

Emo on the Kiddo seeing two men kiss in person for the first time:
"Dude, I will kiss you right now if it makes you feel less uncomfortable." (The Kiddo declined)

Emo on the on-campus "talent":
"I've only seen, like, two girls I would get with here. I can't go to college here, everyone is too normal."

Emo on the student leading the campus tour:
"Check out that huge stick she's carrying. That's what I'm talking about!" (what?)

Emo on his figure:
"I should NOT be eating this ice cream. It will go straight to my thighs."

Emo on being a legend in his own mind:
"Ugh! If one more chick texts me today, I'm turning off my phone!"

Emo on the contents of the gift bags the college gave out:
"I hope they put laser pointers in here. That would be the epitome of sweet."

Emo on getting a free t-shirt from the college:
"Do I look like the kind of person who wears a college t-shirt? Scratch that. Do I look like the kind of person who wears ANY kind of t-shirt?" (Answer: Not unless it is see-through)

Emo on the scenery on the drive home:
"I see cows!!!"

The boy can seriously test my patience. At one point, I had to shush him like a toddler in church while we were in a financial aid meeting because he couldn't find his inside voice and Captain Carl kept flicking him on the back of the head during our tour so he would shut up. Seriously, I should have brought a bag of cheerios to keep him busy.

But we got to see his whole person light up when the Captain took him to the cinematography department. He also called me Mom all day, asked how he could ever repay us for taking him along and told us he hopes he will be friends with the Kiddo forever because then we will always be in his life.

sigh

Dang that kid for making me love his annoying ass.

This is our country's future, America.

You might consider moving to Canada.

UPDATED: I See A Trip To The ER In My Very Near Future

Captain Carl has been out of town for a few days and Emo has been here all weekend. He told me this morning he doesn't want to go home...I couldn't get a reason out of him, as usual. So all day I've been force feeding him (because he pretends he isn't hungry and doesn't want to eat all our food) and listening to him and the Kiddo laughing hysterically upstairs at whatever they are watching on the computer. I don't want to know.

I finally sent them outside to do some chores because the Kiddo is broke and I won't give him money for gas or dates unless he does something for me. Emo volunteered to help, so they headed out a couple hours ago to pull weeds. For awhile, I could hear them right outside the front window...laughing and flinging dirt at each other.

Then it got quiet. Anyone who has children knows that nothing good can be happening when it's quiet. This is especially true when it's teenage boys.

I was right to be worried. At one point, Emo walked in and asked me for a saw.

Yeah.

Me: I'm afraid to ask....
Emo: We chopped down a huge tree in the backyard!
Me: What????
Kiddo: Don't worry, it was a weed...a really really big weed.
Me: And you need a saw because???
Emo: To saw it up into little pieces so we can throw it over the fence.
Me: You guys are throwing weeds over the fence instead of bagging them?
Kiddo: Yeah. It's easier.
Me: No saw. Ever. Never ever.
Emo: Awww, come on.
Me: Nothing sharp and pointy.
Emo: So, you probably don't want me using this then.

And he pulled out from behind his back some kind of huge hacking saw thing with a handle that he dug out of the garage at some point. Then I had a heart attack. Then I told him to pull weeds with his hands only please.

A couple of minutes ago, they came back inside and said they were done.

Me: You weren't out there very long. What did you do?
Kiddo: Not much.
Me: I'm not paying you for "not much".
Emo: But I did trim your hedges.
Kiddo: That's what she said.
Me: Eeew.
Emo & Kiddo: *hysterical laughter*
Emo: Seriously though. I trimmed them with that saw thing.
Me: The thing I told you not to use?
Emo: Yeah. I just kind of swung wildly at them.
Me: *horrified look* How are my hedges?
Kiddo: They're fine. I almost got cut but...
Me: Oh great!
Kiddo: Chill...I said ALMOST.
Me: Oh well then. I guess I can buy y'all a pizza as a reward for not chopping off a finger.
Emo: Sweet!

sigh

Come home soon, Captain Carl. I miss you and I don't know the way to the hospital.

UPDATE: The Captain just read this post and called to tell me he's pretty sure the hand saw thingy Emo was using was his $60 woodworking saw. Awesome.

And for those who were asking, the hedges look as though a wild animal mangled the tops of them. Good thing I hate those hedges.

And for the person who asked when they should expect their son to start playing with sharp objects from the garage...that pretty much starts the moment they can walk. Just because you haven't caught him doing it doesn't mean he isn't. Boys are so much fun, right? Because you never know when they'll be bleeding or broken or on fire. It's like you're on a game show where the prizes are moments of absolute terror followed by hours of anger and huge medical bills.

Emo Loves Older Women

I know y'all are dying to know what's going on with our renters since I haven't blogged about them for awhile. Yes, they are still here. Yes, Renty is still traumatizing my cat on a daily basis with his molestation attempts. He's also still "keeping it real" and I swear he's found my blog because lately when I ask him what he's up to, he always says "Oh you know, just keeping it real" and then he winks at me. Shit! He's on to me!

Our other renter, Marian, went overseas for three weeks to visit her online boyfriend (I may or may not talk about that more here...I'm totally paranoid now after the whole "keeping it real" thing) and she just got back this week. We didn't see much of Emo during those three weeks. Before Marian moved in, Emo would be over several times a week. After she moved in, he was there almost every day. Emo doesn't have the best relationship with his parents and I think Captain Carl stands in as a fatherly role model when Emo gets into one of his funks. I do my best to be helpful too, but anyone who knows me in real life can tell you that I get annoyed really easily with people. Emo is really good at pushing that particular button with me, so sometimes I just avoid him completely. God bless the Captain...he's a saint.

So I was a little worried about Emo when he didn't come around much for three weeks. I asked the Kiddo about him and he indicated that he was getting tired of Emo and his drama. He was all "Everything is always about him. He never wants to talk about me." so I just assumed that was the reason we hadn't seen much of Emo lately.

Then Marian came back from her trip and Emo has been at the house every day since. But I didn't know this at first. Yesterday morning I woke up for work and discovered that our front door was unlocked. Renty and Marian are usually really good about locking up, so I was a little surprised. Then I noticed a dirty ace bandage sitting on my desk, which is right by the front door. The hell???

So the day goes by and when I get home from work, I ask Marian about the bandage. It is not hers and she doesn't know where it came from. Renty comes home soon after and before I have a chance to question him, he says "What's up with that thing?" and points at the bandage. Then Marian is all "Ooooh, I bet it is Emo's" and I was all "When was he here?" and Renty was all under his breath "When ISN'T he here?" and Marian was all "Ummm, he came over pretty late last night" and I was all "So he probably left and no one locked up after him" and Marian was all "Hmmmm". The Captain and I were in bed by 11pm that night. Apparently Emo has decided to come over in the middle of the night and hang out with Marian now. Ummmm...there is only one thing I can think of that a teenage boy would be wanting when he shows up at someone's house at 2am. Eeewwww.

Last night I had to have a little talk with Emo when he wandered over at 9pm. I had to explain that he was welcome anytime at our house, as long as "anytime" was "during the time the Captain and I are awake". Emo then apologized 12 times and said "I'm sorry you are mad at me and hate me now" over and over until I finally couldn't stand it any longer and told him to shut up and eat some dinner already.

P.S. I have no idea what Emo was using that bandage for, but it probably had something to do with the see-through fishnet shirt he was wearing.

Madam Librarian

So. Our newest renter.

I've named her Marian. She's a librarian. And I am a genius.

Marian is sweet as pie. She's so considerate and clean and I love her. So far. Because I know she'll eventually do something to fuck it up and make me hate her. But in the meantime, she's cool. I mean cool in that she's a nice person. I don't mean cool in that she's hip and trendy. She's a huge nerd, actually. She also appears to be about 13 years old socially.

This is probably why she hangs out with Emo. Marian is almost 40 years old. Emo is 17 years old. She found us through him. Emo knew we were looking for a renter and suggested that Marian call me.

I'm a bit concerned with this relationship. But I'm not surprised. At all. Emo can't seem to find any girls his age that want to hang out with him for more than 10 minutes. He runs them off with his weird, vampire-ish personality. What we've tried to explain to him many times is that teenage girls love the IDEA of a weird, vampire-ish boy....but they don't want a real life one. Because the real life ones have acne and laugh too loud and say inappropriate things and become their stalker after one date.

So for him to be hanging out with Marian makes sense. The day she moved in, she talked about Emo's music and how awesome it is. The boy screams into a microphone and then plays it over techno music. Then he posts it on myspace and has us listen to it over and over. It's not awful, but it's not good either. It makes me think of Ross on Friends, with his "sound".

Anyway, my point is that I think Marian is less of a romantic interest and more of a motherly, encouraging friend. At least in Emo's eyes. I can't say for sure how Marian feels though...I'm hoping she's not, ummmm, you know..."interested". Because that would be gross and I really don't want to be forced to call the cops.

Captain Carl doesn't share my opinion though. He says someone needs to pop Emo's cherry so the kid will just calm the fuck down, and who cares if it's a 40 year old gray haired and overweight librarian?

The thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Gas Masks Are The New Fangs

Last night the doorbell rang and when Captain Carl opened the door, he yelled "Honey, it's Axle Rose!". I looked towards the entryway and saw the top of a cowboy hat and I knew it must be Emo. And of course, I was correct.

Emo never disappoints when he stops by. His clothing choices are always the same, but his accessories are legendary. Last night he was wearing his fangs (of course) and a cowboy hat pulled low over his face. But it wasn't just a cowboy hat. It was a work of weird, teen angsty art. It appeared that Emo had embellished it with anything he could find that might be sharp and pointy. There were strange things hanging off the brim and he had drawn stuff all over it that I couldn't really make out but it resembled pictures of skulls and boobies.

But the absolute best part, the piece de resistance if you will, was the hole. Emo had cut an opening into his cowboy hat about the size of a golf ball, resulting in a hole that he could look out of. Only one though, because two eye holes would be ridiculous.


So the Kiddo came home 45 minutes later and after Emo left, I asked him what he thought of the new hat.

Kiddo: That is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen him wear.
Me: Wow, even dumber than the contacts?
Kiddo: Oh yeah. But not as dumb as the gas mask.
Me: Excuse me?
Kiddo: He tried to wear a gas mask to the mall yesterday.
Me: Ummm, where did he get a gas mask?
Kiddo: I have no idea, but no way in hell was I walking around the mall with him wearing it.
Me: Oh come on, you could have just told people he was your retarded cousin.
Kiddo: I told him he was a freak and I'm drawing the line at gas masks.
Me: That's a good line to draw.
Kiddo: And he was all "Hey man, I'm being original" and I was all "YOU'RE. WEARING. A. GAS. MASK."

Thank heaven for Emo.

There's Nothing Scarier Than A Red-Eyed Emo

I bet that title totally hooked you, right? You're all "Please Miss Yvonne, tell me the story of the Red-Eyed Emo!" and you're all blinky and smiley with your chin resting in your hand and I'm all "Again? Now listen little missy/mister, I'm a very busy lady and I don't know if I have time for such things as story tellin'." Because I've been in Texas for 10 years now so I drop my g's off of my "ing" words. It's pretty much the law down here, plus I like to tell people that I "drop my g's off" because it sounds like I'm trippin' like a pimped-out gangsta, yo. But then you're all "Pretty please with sugar on top tell me the story?" and I'm all "Alright, I'll tell you the damn story. Now shut the hell up and get out of my lap, Miss Yvonne don't play that." and then someone hands me a mentoring award from out of nowhere because it's obvious that I love children and/or bloggers. I know that didn't make sense. Be quiet, I'm fixin' to tell a story.

I haven't blogged about Emo too much. He's the Kiddo's best friend and I really should talk about him more here because he practically lives at our house. Emo announces his arrival at our front door with a series of loud banging and vigorous ringing of the doorbell. We always know it's him and we always yell "Come in Emo" but he never walks right in because, in his words, he "doesn't want to be rude". Then he proceeds to walk directly to our refrigerator, where he starts digging around for something to drink or eat. Once he's finished whatever he found in there, he apologizes for taking it because that's how things are done in Emoworld.

Emo is obsessed with finding, again in his words, "true love". He's 17 years old, almost a senior in high school, and his biggest concern is being in love because apparently he is a girl. This is in direct contrast with the Kiddo, who's main concerns are getting laid and driving. Between the Kiddo and Captain Carl, poor Emo gets teased a lot at our house. Sometimes I wonder why he wants to be there, but then he'll say something like "I love it over here, you guys actually talk to me" and then I get sad and all gushy in my heart for Emo and that's usually when I tell him to stay for supper. And after a few minutes of telling me no thank you he doesn't want to mooch, he stays and eats and says thank you about 50 times. I seriously heart this kid.

So last night Emo showed up and promptly asked me if I had any contact solution. Emo does not wear contacts or even glasses. So rather than ask up front, I gave him the solution and waited for the show to start. As usual, Emo did not disappoint. He dragged the Kiddo into the bathroom with him and for about 15 minutes, all I heard was Emo yelling out "Ahhh! Dang it! Come on!" while the Kiddo laughed. Then they wander out to me and Emo asked me how to put in contacts. I asked why and he holds his finger out to me and on it I see a contact lens. A red contact lens. You know, the kind that make your eyes look all weird and scary and, well, emo. This didn't surprise me in the slightest, because last weekend Emo walked in and smiled at me and would you look at that? he had fangs. Again. So it was only a matter of time before he moved on to something else equally stupid.

Apparently he got the red contacts from "some guy at an anime convention" which sounds super safe and sanitary to me, so when he asked if I thought it would be okay for him to use them, I was all "go for it, dude!" and he was all "sweet, how?" and then I told him how I put my contacts in and then laughed at him while he tried some more. Eventually I had to act like a responsible parent and tell him to stop because his eye was getting all red and puffy. He listened to me, but as he was leaving later I saw he had put in his fangs. I guess fangs are better than nothing.

Makeup Sex And A Little Farting

That's a hot blog title, huh? My apologies in advance to all you pervs out there...there really isn't much in here about either of those things. Now go ahead and leave me a dirty comment....it'll save me the trouble of reading my soft-core porn book before bed tonight (I'll tell y'all about the book another time).

Captain Carl and I had a fight today. He went out to pick up some pizzas for dinner and while he was gone, Emo came over and begged me to let the Kiddo go to the mall. See, the Kiddo has been grounded for quite awhile do to some stupid choices and behavior a few weeks ago. He's been on total social lock down.

Emo is his best friend and knows he can come and go at our house as he pleases. So he strolled in today while I was doing dishes and his first tactic was to tell me "I'm here to kidnap your son and take him to the mall because it's not cool you won't let him go out". I just laughed and kept doing the dishes. Then the Kiddo suggested that Emo should try being sweet to me instead. And apparently Emo's idea of being sweet is to rub my shoulders inappropriately and say "Hey sweetie, how's about you let me take your kid to the mall, hmm?" I'm not even kidding. The Kiddo looked appalled and said "Dude, I said be sweet, not hit on her!"

I told Emo that I am way too old for him and I'm not really into boys that wear elbow-length striped knit gloves with the fingers cut off (would you expect anything less from a kid we call Emo?). Then because I am kind of a pushover, I made a deal with the Kiddo. I told him he could go to the mall in exchange for physical labor in the garden tomorrow. I was pretty sure Captain Carl wouldn't agree with me on this, but I did it anyway. Did I mention I'm a pushover?

Yep, the Captain was pissed when he got home for not discussing it with him first. After some arguing back and forth, I told the Captain in a huff that from now I would run everything by him and I was wrong for making a decision all by my little old self. Then I stopped talking.

The Captain stewed for about 30 minutes and then came over and got all huggy and kissy and apologized. I win!

Okay, I apologized too...and then the Captain said he loved me and I said I loved him and then he whispered in my ear "Now we can totally have hot makeup sex, right?" and I started giggling which made my boobs bounce and then the Captain starting tapping on them like they were bongo drums, which made him start giggling so then we're both giggling and then he farted.

We are soooo romantic. And totally mature. Obviously.