We take the Kiddo out for a special birthday dinner every year. This year he picked a Mexican restaurant and we told the him to invite a friend. He picked his best friend, Emo. We heart Emo, he's an endless source of amusement. Emo is usually failing some or all of his classes, is always wearing baggy black pants with chains hanging from them, and is forever lamenting the state of his broken heart after his latest short-lived relationship has ended. He also has no inner monologue and his outer monologue? Hilarious. He's been straight, gay and bi...and that was all in one month. He's loud and talks about his nipples. A lot. How could we not love him?
So we head out on birthday night to have a little Mexican food. In the car, the boys are in the backseat talking about teenage boy stuff and the Captain and I are discussing the state of the economy and how the bailout will affect the general morale of the American blue collar worker. Just kidding. We were talking about that lady that took baths with her monkey.
Suddenly I hear Emo say "...and that dog licked my foot for 30 minutes straight!". The whole car goes silent and I turned to stare at Emo. "Start that story over again please" I say to him. And because he's Emo, he does:
"My stepmom has this dog and it started licking my foot. I thought about kicking him off of me, but then I thought it would be cool to see how long he would do it. So I just let him keep doing it and he was all licking between my toes and stuff and it kind of felt like a massage. "
So it gets real quiet in the car and then the Kiddo says "What's wrong with you, man?" Emo just laughed and that's about when I changed the subject.
Emo's toe licking story set the tone for the whole dinner. Several times throughout the evening, he would randomly shout out "Lick my feet!" and then laugh like it was the funniest joke on the planet. And every time he did, Captain Carl would give me the ole eyebrow waggle and I would be all "No I will not" and then he would be all "You're such a prude" and then I would be all "Your mom's a prude" and then he would be all "Lick my toes!" and then I would be all "Your mom licks....wait that's gross".
And that's why I can never tell the Captain's family about this blog.
On Becoming My Grandmother
1 month ago