Me: I’ve decided we are going to go walking 5 days a week.
The Captain: Wha?
Me: We need to lose weight. We are going for a walk every night after work.
The Captain: Are you going topless?
Me: Excuse me?
The Captain: Because the only way that can be fun for me is if you go topless.
Me: This is not about fun. This is about getting healthy.
The Captain: Topless healthy?
The Captain: Damn it.
6 months ago
Me: Look what I bought today!
The Captain: A jump rope?
Me: Yeah, I read that jump roping is great exercise.
The Captain: I’m not going to jump rope.
Me: Fine, I’ll do it by myself then.
The Captain: That’s what she said.
Me: I’ll do it every morning before I shower for work.
The Captain: Are you gonna do it…you know *eyebrow waggle* topless?
Me: Are you kidding? I’ll give myself black eyes if I did that.
The Captain: I would totally get up early to see that.
Me: I’m not jump roping topless.
The Captain: Damn it.
2 months ago
Me: Hey, I decided on a new exercise plan.
The Captain: What is it this time?
The Captain: I did yoga with you once. Remember what I said?
Me: Yeah yeah…men are not meant to be in the downward dog position.
The Captain: It’s just not right.
Me: Well, I’m going to try it again. I bought a yoga mat.
The Captain: You need a special mat to do it?
Me: Yes, so I don’t slip around in my own sweat on the bedroom floor.
The Captain: That sounds hot. Are you gonna…
Me: Do it topless?
The Captain: Yeah?
The Captain: Damn it!
Me: Oooh, watch this infomercial with me!
The Captain: No.
Me: Oh come on. It’s about Zumba.
The Captain: What the hell is Zumba?
Me: It’s a kind of exercise program. It’s basically just dancing. Which is awesome.
The Captain: That dude is gay.
Me: Shut up, he’s not a dude. He’s the instructor. He’s supposed to be perky.
The Captain: I’m sorry. That instructor is totally gay.
Me: See? It’s like salsa dancing. Doesn’t it look fun?
The Captain: I’m not doing that.
Me: I want that DVD.
The Captain: Will you do what that chick is doing with her hips if I get it for you?
The Captain: *type type type* Done. It’ll be here Friday.
The Captain: You know what would probably make the workout better?
Me: Don’t say it.
The Captain: But…
Me: I’m not doing Zumba topless.
The Captain: Oh come on! Topless Zumba!
The Captain: Why is nothing in this house done topless???
This is why I will always be fat. I mean, you try exercising while your husband keeps sneaking in and trying to rip off your sports bra.
The Trauma of Being Laid Off
11 months ago