Clearly We’re Dealing With Some Kind Of Highly Intelligent Imaginary Insects

A couple weeks ago my husband went crazy. True story. We decided to pull a bunch of overgrown and ugly bushes out of our landscaping one Saturday. They were junipers and there were five of them and they were ugly and half dead. Captain Carl is allergic to something in junipers and we knew this from all the previous times he’s brushed up against them and had an itchy rash break out for a couple days. Kind of like the ones your mom gets, except on the leg instead of the vagina. So he dug with the shovel and I pulled the shrubs out on account of my skin being super awesome and non-allergic. But his legs did manage to touch the junipers a bit and he did have to reach in there and help me pull a few times. So he ended up with a few rashes on his arms and legs afterwards.

Three days went by and the rashes got worse. Four days went by and the rashes got more worse. Five days went by and the rashes were oozing and bright red and swollen and the Captain was in agony from all the itchy and burning. A week goes by and he’s still in pain and the rashes are huge and ugly and spreading over his chest and I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t a reaction to junipers. I suggested he go to the doctor, but our new insurance had not kicked in yet so he said no. And then he went insane.

Day 8 – calling me at work

Captain: Hey, I think I might have fleas.
Me: What?
Captain: These rashes won’t go away. I’m pretty sure they are bites and not rashes.
Me: Baby, there are no bites on your body.
Captain: Yeah, but the rashes keep spreading and they start out really small like bites.
Me: So you think fleas are biting you and giving you rashes?
Captain: Maybe. I looked flea bites up on WebMD and it kind of looks like some of the spots I have.
Me: You don’t have fleas.

Day 10 – calling me at work

Captain: Hey, I’m pretty sure I have scabies.
Me: Come on, seriously?
Captain: The symptoms are the same!
Me: How do you get scabies?
Captain: I don’t know, hang on. *type type type*
Me: Are you on WebMD again?
Captain: Yes.
Me: Get off that website!
Captain: I have to figure out what this is! The itching is awful!
Me: You don’t have scabies!

Day 11 – calling me at work

Captain: I think I figured it out. We’ve got bed bugs.
Me: Ohmygod, why do you think that??
Captain: Because I looked them up…
Me: On WebMD?
Captain: Yeah and you can get rashes just like mine from bed bugs.
Me: We do not have bed bugs.
Captain: We might. You don’t know.
Me: I do know because nothing is wrong with my skin.
Captain: Maybe you just aren’t reacting yet.
Me: I don’t think so.
Captain: I found this stuff on the back of the curtain in the bedroom and it kind of looks like bug casings. It could be bed bugs!
Me: Did you look under the mattress?
Captain: Well, yes but…
Me: Did you see any bugs or anything?
Captain: Well, no but…
Me: *sigh* I think you need to see a doctor.
Captain: All she’ll give me is some cream or something for the rash and it’ll cost too much without insurance.
Me: Not that kind of doctor.
Captain: What are you saying? That I need a shrink?
Me: Baby, we don’t have bed bugs.
Captain: It’s either bed bugs, scabies or fleas. One of those three.
Me: Or not.

Day 12 - getting ready for bed

Captain: I called the pest control guy. He’s coming tomorrow.
Me: For what?
Captain: To check for bed bugs.
Me: Holy shit, we don’t have bed bugs! I think you have poison ivy.
Captain: I don’t think so. I’ve had that before and it doesn’t keep spreading all over your body.
Me: I saw some in the front of the house today. I bet you touched it.
Captain: I doubt that’s what it is.
Me: Wait a minute. Are you still using a loofa in the shower?
Captain: Yes. You better not blog about that either! It doesn’t make me girly. Neither does taking bubble baths.
Me: Listen…if you have poison ivy and you are rubbing that loofa all over yourself, you are probably spreading it which is why you have it all over your chest now.
Captain: I guess that’s possible.
Me: More possible than bed bugs that are only biting you.
Captain: Maybe they are only on my side of the bed. Maybe they are right side only bed bugs!
Me: Right side only bed bugs.
Captain: Yes.
Me: How do they know to stay on the right side of the bed?
Captain: Maybe they only have legs on the left side of their body and they are curved in and so they just go round and round in circles on the right side of the bed.
Me: And what if they turn and face the head of the bed? Then their right side would be my side.
Captain: Well, maybe they have some kind of internal GPS that tells them my side is the right side.
Me: This is a totally logically conversation. For an insane person.
Captain: Talk to me when the right side only bed bugs get to you.
Me: You. Have. Poison. Ivy.
Captain: Easy for you to say. You don’t have bed bug bites.
Me: Neither do you.

Day 13 - calling me at work

Captain: So the pest guy came.
Me: And?
Captain: No bed bugs.
Me: Shocking.
Captain: And he agrees with your loofa diagnosis.
Me: You told the pest guy about your loofa??
Captain: What? I’m desperate!
Me: You know what this means, right?
Captain: That you need to buy me a new loofa on your way home?

Luckily about a week later the rashes finally cleared up and my usual, non-crazy husband came back to me and he is now denying the whole right side only bed bugs conversation ever happened. And that he takes bubble baths. With lavender bubbles. Because they are calming to the senses. No I am not making this up.

UPDATED: The Elusive 150th

I've got 148 followers now. I told Captain Carl back in the spring that I wanted to hit 100 by the end of this year, so yea for me! However, I've been hovering around the mid-140's for weeks now and yes, I know it's probably partly somewhat kind of my own fault because I haven't been blogging and commenting much lately. But come on people, I'm still hilarious and awesome even if I'm around less.

So now I'm obsessed with hitting the 150 mark. I mean, Kim has more than 150 now. And Steamy and Vic and Kurt? Well hell, they've already gone way past 200....I'm choking on their follower dust. I'm just as funny and witty and good looking as all of them, right? Okay, maybe not quite as funny but I'm definitely as good looking and probably better in bed than all of them. Just sayin'.

I'm trying to figure out ways to boost my number. I'm pretty sure I need to get more sweary and sexy, which is an almost impossible task because I'm already damn sexy and very sweary. Very sweary. That should totally be a Hubba Bubba gum flavor. Do they still make Hubba Bubba? I chewed a lot of that shit in high school. Probably why I have the clicky jaw now. Thanks a lot Hubba Bubba. You suck. Unless you want to pay me for my soon-to-be-patented "Very Sweary" gum flavor. If you do, I'd like to consult on the wrapper design please....you'll need a catchy phrase to draw the kid's eyes. Like "Now With More Fucks And Shits!" or something like that. I'm pretty much a marketing genius. I'm like the Ted Danson of marketing. I don't even know what that means, but I am.

So back to how I'm going to get my 150th follower. I need suggestions. More renter stories? More renter sex stories? More renter pissing-me-off stories? A picture of Captain Carl smelling his back scratcher?

Ooooh! What if I offer the 150th follower a special surprise? Like maybe they give me the code to their voicemail and I change their message to say something like "This is Miss Yvonne and so-and-so is not available to speak with you. Because he probably can't stand you and saw your number come up and was all 'Oh shit, not that asshole again' and let it go to voicemail. Or because he's busy having sex with your mom. Leave a message, bitch!".

Or I could promise to post a video of me singing "Don't Cha" on drunk karaoke night when I hit 150. Or maybe I could share Captain Carl's recipe for the absolutely best lemon ice box pie you will ever eat in the history of eating pie (that's what she said). Or I could send the lucky follower a present and when they open it, it will be something awesome like a post-it note with a chewed piece of gum stuck to it or a caricature of me drawn by the Captain with me doing something cool like riding a unicycle or using a vibrator and also I'll make sure the package is marked "This box contains really offensive porn and sexy toys".

All that sounds pretty awesome, right? I'm sure I won't have any trouble getting to 150 now. I'll probably hit 170 in no time. And then in a couple weeks when I hit 300, I can be all "Suck it Steamy!" and "In your face Kim!" and "Take that Vic!" and "Bend over Kurt!" which he probably hears all the time anyway. But still.

UPDATE: Well apparently all I have to do is whine enough and I'll get what I want because guess what, y'all?! 150 followers. Boo ya. And what's even more awesome is that my 150th follower is called "vagiunta" which probably stands for something beautiful and meaningful but I'm going to say it's the Spanish word for cooter. That's what you get for following me, vagiunta. Sorry. Not really.

So now I have to get drunk this weekend and have the Captain video me singing "Don'cha". Just to make all my long-time followers happy. So quit yer bitchin'.

Now I'm off to whine about wanting to win the lottery.

Boys Are Gross

Sometimes Captain Carl scratches his balls with his back scratcher while he's watching tv. And then he smells it.

The End.