Monday, June 21, 2010

Clearly We’re Dealing With Some Kind Of Highly Intelligent Imaginary Insects

A couple weeks ago my husband went crazy. True story. We decided to pull a bunch of overgrown and ugly bushes out of our landscaping one Saturday. They were junipers and there were five of them and they were ugly and half dead. Captain Carl is allergic to something in junipers and we knew this from all the previous times he’s brushed up against them and had an itchy rash break out for a couple days. Kind of like the ones your mom gets, except on the leg instead of the vagina. So he dug with the shovel and I pulled the shrubs out on account of my skin being super awesome and non-allergic. But his legs did manage to touch the junipers a bit and he did have to reach in there and help me pull a few times. So he ended up with a few rashes on his arms and legs afterwards.

Three days went by and the rashes got worse. Four days went by and the rashes got more worse. Five days went by and the rashes were oozing and bright red and swollen and the Captain was in agony from all the itchy and burning. A week goes by and he’s still in pain and the rashes are huge and ugly and spreading over his chest and I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t a reaction to junipers. I suggested he go to the doctor, but our new insurance had not kicked in yet so he said no. And then he went insane.

Day 8 – calling me at work

Captain: Hey, I think I might have fleas.
Me: What?
Captain: These rashes won’t go away. I’m pretty sure they are bites and not rashes.
Me: Baby, there are no bites on your body.
Captain: Yeah, but the rashes keep spreading and they start out really small like bites.
Me: So you think fleas are biting you and giving you rashes?
Captain: Maybe. I looked flea bites up on WebMD and it kind of looks like some of the spots I have.
Me: You don’t have fleas.

Day 10 – calling me at work

Captain: Hey, I’m pretty sure I have scabies.
Me: Come on, seriously?
Captain: The symptoms are the same!
Me: How do you get scabies?
Captain: I don’t know, hang on. *type type type*
Me: Are you on WebMD again?
Captain: Yes.
Me: Get off that website!
Captain: I have to figure out what this is! The itching is awful!
Me: You don’t have scabies!

Day 11 – calling me at work

Captain: I think I figured it out. We’ve got bed bugs.
Me: Ohmygod, why do you think that??
Captain: Because I looked them up…
Me: On WebMD?
Captain: Yeah and you can get rashes just like mine from bed bugs.
Me: We do not have bed bugs.
Captain: We might. You don’t know.
Me: I do know because nothing is wrong with my skin.
Captain: Maybe you just aren’t reacting yet.
Me: I don’t think so.
Captain: I found this stuff on the back of the curtain in the bedroom and it kind of looks like bug casings. It could be bed bugs!
Me: Did you look under the mattress?
Captain: Well, yes but…
Me: Did you see any bugs or anything?
Captain: Well, no but…
Me: *sigh* I think you need to see a doctor.
Captain: All she’ll give me is some cream or something for the rash and it’ll cost too much without insurance.
Me: Not that kind of doctor.
Captain: What are you saying? That I need a shrink?
Me: Baby, we don’t have bed bugs.
Captain: It’s either bed bugs, scabies or fleas. One of those three.
Me: Or not.

Day 12 - getting ready for bed

Captain: I called the pest control guy. He’s coming tomorrow.
Me: For what?
Captain: To check for bed bugs.
Me: Holy shit, we don’t have bed bugs! I think you have poison ivy.
Captain: I don’t think so. I’ve had that before and it doesn’t keep spreading all over your body.
Me: I saw some in the front of the house today. I bet you touched it.
Captain: I doubt that’s what it is.
Me: Wait a minute. Are you still using a loofa in the shower?
Captain: Yes. You better not blog about that either! It doesn’t make me girly. Neither does taking bubble baths.
Me: Listen…if you have poison ivy and you are rubbing that loofa all over yourself, you are probably spreading it which is why you have it all over your chest now.
Captain: I guess that’s possible.
Me: More possible than bed bugs that are only biting you.
Captain: Maybe they are only on my side of the bed. Maybe they are right side only bed bugs!
Me: Right side only bed bugs.
Captain: Yes.
Me: How do they know to stay on the right side of the bed?
Captain: Maybe they only have legs on the left side of their body and they are curved in and so they just go round and round in circles on the right side of the bed.
Me: And what if they turn and face the head of the bed? Then their right side would be my side.
Captain: Well, maybe they have some kind of internal GPS that tells them my side is the right side.
Me: This is a totally logically conversation. For an insane person.
Captain: Talk to me when the right side only bed bugs get to you.
Me: You. Have. Poison. Ivy.
Captain: Easy for you to say. You don’t have bed bug bites.
Me: Neither do you.

Day 13 - calling me at work

Captain: So the pest guy came.
Me: And?
Captain: No bed bugs.
Me: Shocking.
Captain: And he agrees with your loofa diagnosis.
Me: You told the pest guy about your loofa??
Captain: What? I’m desperate!
Me: You know what this means, right?
Captain: That you need to buy me a new loofa on your way home?

Luckily about a week later the rashes finally cleared up and my usual, non-crazy husband came back to me and he is now denying the whole right side only bed bugs conversation ever happened. And that he takes bubble baths. With lavender bubbles. Because they are calming to the senses. No I am not making this up.


Didactic Pirate said...

Listen. Don't go knocking WebMD. That site is how I, at various times, diagnosed myself with Malaria, Dengue Fever, Meningitis, Ebola and Guinea Worm Disease. Not to mention Malaise.

Beta Dad said...

Why didn't he just look on WebDruid, where you can learn how to make the medicine you need for your self-diagnosed condition? He could have made some steroids out of juniper berries to treat the poison ivy bugs.

You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun... said...

"...because it is calming to his senses. No, I'm not making this up."


Anonymous said...

Bed bugs are GROSS! Be thankful you don't have them! We had students who had them....*shivers*

____j said...

The thought of bed bugs completely grosses me out, but I'm glad it was something else!! Ya'lls conversations are completely hilarious.

Logical Libby said...

Whenever I get like that my husband just tells me I have the "crazies." You should try that with CC.

Sarah P said...

I would have guessed it was from chiggers. Chiggers are awesome.

But the poison ivy is funnier.

Anonymous said...

You have to admit the man made a valiant attempt to justify the existence of somewhat concave, left-legged, right side bed hugging bedbugs, and you have to give him credit for that.

Then take some away for being an idiot.

Sorry Captain Carl. Not an IDIOT just a man.

Also: the fact the word veri is "MENTOPIC" is amusing me.

Daffy said...

Of course you couldn't make it up....women are a wee bit more logical.

I can only imagine the hysterics a cough and headache would cause. Don't let him stand near the microwave for too may have very adverse affects

Joanna Jenkins said...

"Right side only bed bugs." That's priceless.

Poor Captain Carl-- As much as I laughed I felt bad for the rash.


Ed said...

I hope, for your sake, he doesn't read your blog.

You should have done what we did to the Marines when I was a Navy Corpsman. Tell him he had crabs and that the only way to get rid of them was to shave one side of his body, set the other side on fire, and when they run out, stab them with a knife.

Chris said...

I started dating my ex-wife while she was in nursing school. She was positive she had almost every disease they studied.

Bear and Bones Mama said...

I think I'm in love with your husband.

kate said...

My boss is a 70-year-old doctor who doesn't entirely understand the internet, but he knows enough to yell at me every time he catches my hypochondriac-ass on WebMD.

You should get the Captain the book that my husband got me for Christmas last year: "The Complete Hypochondriac's Guide to Things That Might Kill You". It's like a panic attack waiting to happen!

Lindsay said...

Right-side-of-the-bed-bugs is the most ingenious thing I have ever heard of. CC is my hero.

Heather said...

right side bed bugs! I laughed so hard my head hurts. You have a funny life. Hey, so what do you think about maybe meeting someday? Just saying, I think we would get along if we were drinking.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

so a loofa and bubble baths, huh?
nope, I'm not going to say anything.
Right side bed bugs...I'm gonna try that to get a new bed

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

I just finished writing a poison ivy post and then came here. Captain Carl and I are rashy.

Coincidence? Well, yes. We live in completely different places. Tell him to go to the dr and get a prednisone pack. Just started mine.

Megs said...

I'm not allowed to play with WebMD after the time I diagnosed myself with nonexistent breast cancer, and leukemia, and bipolar disorder.

jessica o said...

The whole right-side bed bug with only left legs bit KILLED me. I cackled. I hate it when I cackle, but it's my true laugh. Thanks for that.

SumSum said...

i thought for sure it was body sounds just like what your mom showed me when she was diagnosing herself on WebMD...

Mandy said...

Awesome......that's all I can say...

Sue said...

Do not divorce this man. The entertainment value alone redeems him many times over. *laugh*

Jackie's said...

I love your husband already...and your sense of humor is amazing...Keep up the good work.