Tuesday, June 1, 2010

SuperCrotch

You know how when you were a kid and you’d eat an apple and you’d recite the alphabet for each twist of the stem and then whatever letter you were saying when the stem twisted off would be the first letter of the last name of the boy you were going to marry? Remember that? Yeah, that was an awesome game. You know what other game was awesome? MASH. Remember MASH? You know…Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House? Because of those games, I was convinced I was going to marry Mark (hottt!) or Jason (to the max!) or Corey (totally bitchin!) or the other Corey (gag me!). I didn’t marry any of those suckers, but the jokes on them because guess who didn’t end up being a pig farmer’s wife like everyone thought she would???

Shit.

Y’all. I can’t come up with a decent blog post to save my life. Every day I sit here and I’m all “Okay, today’s the day! Today’s the day that you finally write that amazing blog post that will go viral and everyone will know who you are and you’ll finally have to come clean and admit to your family and friends that you are Miss Yvonne because everyone keeps talking to you about her and you can’t stand them not knowing that YOU are the genius behind the blog!”. And then I write crap like that first paragraph up there. About apple stems and MASH. Seriously. Help.

I think I’m stuck on account of all the graduation junk that has been occupying my brain for the last few weeks. The Kiddo graduates on Saturday and I’ve spent all my free time obsessing over party details. The menu, the cake, the drinks, sleeping arrangements, transportation and parking, where to hide my vibrators from my snooping mother, etc. I spent the whole weekend cleaning the house. The whole HOLIDAY weekend, y’all. I should have been at the lake…I should have been at the movies….I should have been drinking! But it’s okay because my 18 year old son did all those things for me. He’s a giver, that one.

*sigh*

I’m trying to keep the crazy at a low hum so that Captain Carl doesn’t divorce me, but it’s hard to keep a good anxiety attack down. And when I’m not freaking out, I’m blubbering like a baby over old photos of the Kiddo. I’m a mess.

The Captain has really stepped up to the plate and has been helping me a lot. I’m pretty sure it’s on account of my wacko scary eyes and random weeping. But I don’t care because my sprinklers are fixed, my floors are getting cleaned, my lawn has been edged, all my pictures have been hung and the party menu has been taken care of. I seriously love that guy. I should give him a blow job to show him my appreciation, but you know…...meh.

P.S. Renty lost his job and is now wandering around my house wearing nothing but silk Superman boxers with a big “S” over the crotch and black socks all day long. It’s about as sexy as it sounds. Help me, Baby Jesus.


22 comments:

Didactic Pirate said...

Someday, Miss Yvonne, everyone will know that you are the Most Beautiful Woman in Puppet Land.

Sarah P said...

I cry over the future high school graduation of my pre-schoolers. Srsly. I'm super stable.

Also, the World Wide Web wants to blow you for your amazing content. No MASH game could have seen that coming.

erin said...

I don't remember the apple stem game, I'm pretty sure you're making that one up.

And yay for graduating boys!!! Hope you guys have a great party.

sp said...

i like your non-viral-success posts, i get a little bit excited *every* time i see that you've posted something new. so there.

Surfie said...

Ah, the good ole days. I remember both of those games, although I used to try to cheat and make the apple stem last all the way to the letter of the guy I was crushing on. It never worked.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Somethin something spam in your cbox something joke about vagina smells like meat. I dunno. I feel the same way about blogging lately. Usually when this happens I pretend I've just had a major fight with my blog, and we're not speaking, and then I start to feel really bad to I go make up with it, and we have wonderful, passionate make-up sexposting. Try it, it works.

just making my way said...

Wait - what the hell is MASH?! I know all about the apple stem game. Never heard of MASH at all. You still think I'm cool, though right? I mean - erin didn't know about the apple stem game...

Happy Graduation to the Kiddo! Try not to cry too much!

Little Ms Blogger said...

I played the apple stem game, but never heard of MASH.

You really could have written a whole post on Renty's underwear or any underwear - really an S over the crotch? Nice...he's a definite babe magnet with that outfit.

Congrats on the graduation....

Btw, you can always go on a bloggy break. I did for about a month and gained some readers - how weird is that?

Logical Libby said...

You buried the lead: Renty in panties. I bet your cat is scared.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Me and my blog are on a time out because it's making me have nothing to write about. It's summer. It's blog vacation time (I say).

Also, you had me worried because I must have missed something crucial when reading this because at one point you were talking about the kiddo and the next you had to give "him" a blow job, and I got understandably confused until I realized you did in fact mean THE CAPTAIN. Phew!

I don't know the apple stem game or MASH but I'm a foreigner who knows shit about shit.

Jules said...

Aw, you crazy kids with your Superman boxers and playing MASH.

You DID put on your WonderWoman underroos, right?

Moooooog35 said...

Your pictures are hung?

So. Jealous.

Chris said...

Every great artist needs a blue period, right? And don't worry. Everyone who counts already knows who you are. Now, go back to crying and party planning and we will see you when you're ready to write about summer boob sweat, or whatever.

SumSum said...

you have 343 people drinking your kool aid, I'd say that's pretty impressive...no need for a blow job this time, that compliment comes with no strings

kate said...

You get more comments on your post about not being able to write something funny than I do on a blog of mine that I think actually IS funny, so I think that you're still kicking quite a bit of ass!! :)

Oh, and MASH? Totally the shit. It was a little off base, though, because I really should be living in a mansion while driving a giant, fancy car and banging Derek Jeter - or so I was told.

Tiffany said...

i almost cried the other day because my daughter (3)called me 'mom' instead of 'mommy'. next thing you know she'll be asking me where we keep the tampons.

otherworldlyone said...

Aw, I'll bet your weeping is great. You know, really theatrical and...great.

Picture of Renty with head chopped off? I mean...because superman boxers...

Nevermind.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

You can join me in my writer's block club, but you can't be president. Nobody trusts a woman with wacko scary eyes.

And FYI: When I only have the energy to read one blog...I click here.

We shall prevail!!!!!!!!!!!

DevilsHeaven said...

Superman boxers? In basically PUBLIC areas??? Um , HELLS NO. Gag.
Dude, all kinds of wrong.
And if I have to wait until an as yet unconeived child graduates from H.S. to have all my home projects completed??
MURDER. DEATH. DECAY.

Carolyn...Online said...

Just take arty shots of Renty in his boxers and post them. Boom. Viral.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You had me laughing out loud half way through the first paragraph! You haven't lost your touch, graduation party or not!

Can't wait to hear the details.
jj

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I got nothing. Nothing but love. Can I borrow the Captain? Though I probably won't offer him any "appreciation" either.