Monday, July 26, 2010

The Negotiation Ninja

At my sister's house:

Lizard: So I have some exciting news.
Me: You're buying me a puppy??
Lizard: Why do you always ask me that? No. I'm moving to Chicago to be with Golfy next year.

(Golfy is Lizard's boyfriend. I named him that because he likes to golf. I'm a genius with fake names)

Me: What?? How can you move away? I thought he was moving here next year?
Lizard: It makes more sense for me to move there. It'll be cheaper and he can keep his job and I can work from anywhere.
Me: This sucks!
Lizard: I know. It'll be hard to move away from you guys.
Me: I moved to Texas just because you were here. And now you're leaving???
Lizard: That was 11 years ago.
Me: And your point is?
Lizard: Things change.
Me: Your mom changes.
Lizard: Look, you moved here and you met Captain Carl. It's not like I'm leaving you here alone.
Me: Whatever.
Lizard: Don't be mad.
Me: Stop talking to me.
Lizard: *sigh*
Me: Oh look at me. I'm Lizard and I'm selfish and I'm moving away so now my sister has no blood relatives in the state of Texas and I don't even care if her house catches on fire and she has nowhere to live and no clothes except what she wore to bed which is nothing because she sleeps in the nude!

*Lizard's phone rings*

Lizard: Hi baby!
Me: Is that him?
Lizard: I just told my sister the news.
Me: You tell Golfy that I hate him!
Lizard: She says she hates you.
Me: I never want to see his face again!
Lizard: She never wants to see your face again.
Me: He is dead to me! *walks out to living room*
Lizard: I should have told her over the phone.
Me: *yelling* Hey, can I have your couch?
Lizard: What?
Me: Your living room couch. Can I have it when you move?
Lizard: No, I'm taking it with me.
Me: Why?
Lizard: Because I love it and it will go perfectly in Golfy's house.
Me: *whining* It would look so much better at my house though.
Lizard: You haven't even seen his house.
Me: Well I know it would anyway, so shut up.
Lizard: You can have the couch in the family room.
Me: Gross.
Lizard: Excuse me?
Me: I don't like that couch.
Lizard: Thanks for insulting my taste in couches.
Me: Just that couch. It's all green and...old.
Lizard: Well sorry, but that's the only couch I'm not taking.
Me: *walks into home office* What about your desk?
Lizard: You have a desk already.
Me: I do not! I have a dining room table that I'm using as a desk. Because I'm poor and can't afford a nice desk like this because mom and dad wouldn't pay for me to go through law school like someone I know.
Lizard: They didn't pay for me either. I paid for it myself.
Me: Blah blah blah. If you give me this desk, I could sell my dining room table and make some cash. It's a win-win.
Lizard: Hmmm. I could probably sell you the desk.
Me: You would make me buy it?
Lizard: It's solid wood, I could get a lot for it. I'll sell it to you for $300.
Me: That's extortion!
Lizard: Oh come on...
Me: I better die before you so I can keep you out of heaven. Oh man, I can't wait to get up there and tell Baby Jesus that my darling sister made me buy a desk she already owned for $300!
Lizard: Seriously, you are ridiculous.
Me: Fine. *hangs head* Go ahead and move away and forget all about me stuck down here in fucking hot as hell Texas. Enjoy your snow and windy city and the mob.
Lizard: Okay okay. I'll give you my flat screen tv.
Me: *jumping and clapping* Really????? OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!
Lizard: *staring*
Me: Score! *moon walks* *grabs crotch* *puts fist into air* *stomps right foot repeatedly* Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
Lizard: *still staring*
Me: That was the only thing I really wanted anyway! Jokes on you, sucka! You never saw that coming, did ya? I rule at negotiation! I'm like a negotiation ninja!
Lizard: *more staring*
Me: What?
Lizard: *crosses arms over chest* *looks pissed*
Me: *smiles*
Lizard: *narrows eyes*
Me: I am going to miss you so much when you move.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The Real (Kick Ass) Me

So I know y'all come here for a laugh. I'm all about the cheap joke and the hilarious stories and the great blow job. I like it that way, too. I want to be the funny girl...I strive to be her. I'm loud and obnoxious and inappropriate. It's what I do best.

But you know, sometimes it's hard to always be funny. I'm like that clown in that old commercial that everyone thinks is hilarious and omg that clown makes me laugh my ass off! but then someone starts a forest fire and one tear falls down the clown's face and wow that is a super powerful moment because who knew that clown had other feelings besides joviality?

I have a point here and it is that I have great tits. I have another point here and it is that there is more to me than humor. I'm a person with real feelings and deep emotions. I am complex, damn it. And I think it's about time for me to show y'all the other facets of my personality.


I am a giver. See my smile? It says "Hey homeless guy. You smell. Here's some deodorant." I care about you. I really really care. Especially if you are hot and are Harry Connick, Jr. If you are Harry, I will care the shit out of you. I will care so much that you won't be able to walk the next morning.


I am the friend everyone comes to when they need to feel better about themselves. Down on yourself because your boyfriend dumped you? Let's meet for lunch so I can tell you how amazing you are and how you deserve better and how I may or may not have given him a handy at that one party at your apartment while you were throwing up in the bathroom but only because I was drunk and he kind of looked like Harry Connick, Jr. if I took my glasses off and squinted.


I am a very cerebral person. I often spend my time thinking about the complex and important issues that plague our world today. Like war and starving children and why no one has invented a working time machine yet. I mean, I really need a way to go back to 1991 and kick my own ass for dating that douche John and also to 1985 to pick up my awesome turquoise and gray striped legwarmers and banana clips because those bitches are vintage, y'all. I can't believe I didn't keep them.


Okay, so this isn't really a personality trait and it really hasn't happened anywhere but in my mind yet. But I've totally got the pose down, right?? And! I've got almost 400 followers now, y'all. 400! Plus I figure if this blog doesn't make me famous, my giant man-hands will eventually. Look at my right one up there, all white and giant-y. I can palm a lot of shit with those puppies. (twss)

And last but not least....



Monday, July 19, 2010

34 Days

So the Kiddo goes to college in a month. I’m having some trouble with this fact. And when I say “having some trouble” I mean “crying my eyes out at the very thought of my baby leaving me”.

This is no exaggeration, y’all. I already felt screwed over for missing the first 8 years of his life and all the cute baby-Kiddo stuff. But now I feel even worse because 10 years has flown by and guess what? I’m an empty-nester at 36 years old.

Captain Carl, on the other hand, is pretending to be ecstatic. He’s all “We’ve never been alone, we’ve always had the boy, we’ve never gotten the chance to be true newlyweds, hooray!” but I know inside he’s really sad too. Those two are as thick as thieves most days. Sometimes I feel left out of the super nerdy boy club when they are together.

Everyone keeps asking me when we are going to take the Kiddo to school and I honestly didn’t know. Mostly because I don’t want to know on account of my sad stepmom heart breaking every time I think about his room being empty soon. So I just wave my hand in the air and vaguely say “Oh, sometime in mid August-ish”. But today I logged into facebook and that the Kiddo had posted this:

I move out in 34 days :p

The little fucker put a smiley tongue face at the end of it. Like he’s soooo happy to be leaving us that he just can’t help but stick his tongue out. Like he’s giving us the facial equivalent of the finger. Like, like….hang on a minute…

*sob sob sob*


34 days.

So I’ve never left a comment on any of his facebook posts, even when it’s been completely stupid. But I was so sad reading this one, that I just had to get back at him for being so damn happy about his future. And so I left this comment:

34 days until we can finally have our first swingers party!

So far? 27 “likes” from his friends. Because I’m just that awesome.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

How To Get Punched In The Face

Me: Gah!
Captain: What?
Me: What is this?
Captain: What is what?
Me: This! *pokes own upper arm*
Captain: Your arm?
Me: No. This! *pokes harder* This jiggly stuff!
Captain: *looks nervous* I don’t see anything jiggly.
Me: Oh come on, you can see this. *shakes arm* I have jiggly arms!
Captain: Ummmm….
Me: When did this happen?
Captain: Ummmm….I don’t know?
Me: Seriously! Look at this. *pinches under arm* I’m all loosey goosey under here.
Captain: *stretches* Well, looks like it's time to hit the ole dusty trail.
Me: *points* You stay right there and answer my question, mister. When did this *furiously shakes arm* happen?
Captain: *stands up* Listen, I’d love to talk about this but I’ve got this big deadline to hit so….
Me: Are you saying I’ve been walking around with jiggly arms for a long time and you never told me???
Captain: *backing out of room* Oh honey, your arms are perfect.
Me: They so are not! *shakes both arms* I’ve got bat wings, damn it. And you never told me.
Captain: *yells from next room* You have sexy arms!
Me: You don’t think that, you liar! If you did, you’d be making sweet sweet love to my upper arms all the time.
Captain: *silence*
Me: Well???
Captain: Just a minute. I’m visualizing what it would be like to stick it between two bat wings.
Me: I really hate you.
Captain: Love you too!
Me: I said that I hate you!
Captain: That’s just your giant jiggly bat wings talking.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's Like Living In Middle Earth. Except Instead Of A Ring, There's A Plunger.

When Captain Carl and I contracted to build our house, we were pretty nervous about it. It was much bigger than the place we were renting at the time and it was in a suburb on the outskirts of the metro…which meant a much longer commute to work and more distance between ourselves and our family who lived here. The only restaurants near us were McDonald’s and a donut place. There was one gas station and no shopping. Not even a Wal Mart, y'all. I mean, I thought a Wal Mart was a prerequisite for a new suburb in the south?

So one day we drove out to see how construction was coming along. The walls were almost ready to go up and we stood out in the street in front of our new house and contemplated brick color and tree selection and ohmygodwhatarewedoing???? And then I heard someone yelling behind us “Are y’all our new neighbors?”. When we turned around, I saw two teeny tiny old people walking towards us. This couple barely came up to my chest, they were that short. And gosh they were sweet! They told us their names were Fanny and Reggie and how happy they were to have a young family moving in soon and how wonderful the neighborhood was and how it was lonely with only two other houses built so far on our street. Captain Carl and I left that day feeling wonderful about our home selection. I mean, everyone wants good neighbors right? It would be so great to have such a friendly and sweet couple across the street!

And then moving day arrived. We closed on our house in August. In Texas. Because we’re geniuses. We hired movers, who could only fit ¾ of our crap into their truck. And so we spent our first day as new homeowners hauling loads of the remaining stuff from the old place to the new. We did that about five times. And then, hot and sweating and exhausted, we began unpacking the essentials for our first night. I worked on the kitchen while the Captain worked out in the garage. Our front door was propped open to allow the movers easy access. And so I didn’t notice when our neighbor lady walked in and sat down on our kitchen window seat.

Fanny: Ya’ll are getting all moved in, huh?

Me: *jumping* Uh, yes. Ummm, when did you get here?

Fanny: Oh I just came in. I figured it was okay since y’all had your front door open.

Me: Oh. Well. Actually, we have it open for the movers.

Fanny: I see you’re cleaning the refrigerator.

Me: Uh, yes I am.

Fanny: Y’all brought your old fridge from your other place then?

Me: Yes.

Fanny: *swings legs back and forth* Y’alls fridge don’t match your stove.

Me: No, we’ll probably buy a new one soon that matches.

Fanny: *kicking heels against our newly painted wall* Huh.

Me: *staring* Is there something I can help you with?

Fanny: No. Just stopping by to say hi.

Me: Oh, well okay. I’m ahhh, a little busy right now.

Fanny: *laughing* I can see that!

Me: So ummm…maybe we could get together sometime after we’re all moved in.

Fanny: Sure! *walks around the kitchen touching things*

Me: So yeah…well….

Reggie: *yelling from outside* Fanny! Where are you, woman???

Fanny: *yelling from inside* I’m in here, for goodness sake!!

Reggie: *walks into house* Well hey there! Cleaning your fridge, huh?

Me: Well, I’m trying to.

Reggie: Well, I ‘spose we ought to let her get back to it, Fanny.

Fanny: Oh you go on. We’re having girl talk.

Me: Ahhh, ha haa….well actually….

Reggie: Come on now…leave her alone. The poor girl is sweating right through her shirt. *stares at my chest*

Fanny: Fine then. I’ll come back later to visit.

Me: Ummm, okay. Well…bye.

Reggie: It’s so nice to have y’all here. Now we’re not the only white folks on the street!

Me: What?

Fanny: *stage whisper* Everyone else is black. One of ‘em is from Nigeria or Africa or something!

Me: Oh, that’s nice.

Fanny: Well sure it is. But you know, it’s nicer when you have some of your own kind around you.

Me: *open mouth stare*

And it pretty much continued from there:


Reggie: *after walking across the street to watch me trim the front hedges* Doin’ yard work, huh?

Me: Yep.

Reggie: Fanny was watching you out the front window and told me she can’t believe you’re out here doing man’s work.

Me: Excuse me?

Reggie: She says yard work is a man’s job and Captain Carl should be out here.

Me: Well, I don’t mind.

Reggie: Well, you’re doing a good enough job I guess.

Me: Gee, thanks.

Reggie: Pretty hot out here, huh? *stares at my chest*


Reggie: *stopping us while we are out for a walk * Hey ya’ll!

Captain: Hey Reggie….gotta keep moving, we’ll talk later!

Reggie: Yep yep, I can see y’all are exercising. Good idea, ya’ll probably need it!

Me: What?

Reggie: Well, I tell y’all what. We sure do like our neighbors here on our left side but *stage whisper* them blacks sure do things differently.

Captain: Ohmygod. Let's go. *starts walking away*

Me: Wait, what does that mean?

Reggie: Oh, I don't mean nothing by that. They just seem to do a lot of things backwards. It must be their culture or something to do things wrong.

Captain: *grabs my arm* Ha, well we really gotta go!


*Doorbell rings*

Me: Not it!

Captain: Oh come on, I answered last time!

Me: I’m not talking to them!

Captain: How do you know it’s them?

Me: It’s always them!

Captain: Fine. *opens door* Hey Reggie.

Reggie: Hey there, Captain. Listen, I don’t suppose y’all have a plunger I could borrow?

Captain: Ummm, what for?

Reggie: Well see, my grandson’s over this week and I tell you what, that boy has some intestinal problems.

Captain: *horrified face* Uh huh….

Reggie: Well, he left the biggest load I’ve ever seen in our toilet and it’s all backed up. You would never believe that it came out of an 8 year old.

Captain: Well…ummm..

Me: *yelling from my hiding place* We don’t have one!

Reggie: What’s that?

Captain: Yeah, believe it or not we don’t have a plunger.

Reggie: You don’t say? Well, alright then.

Captain: This is just a thought, but maybe you could drive over to the hardware store and pick one up.

Reggie: Well I guess I might do that. Y’all need me to get you one too?


*doorbell rings*

Me: Not it!


Me: Well shit, I’m the only one home. *answers door* Hi Fanny.

Fanny: I got my grandson with me today.

Me: I see that.

Grandson: *stares at my chest*

Fanny: *walks into my house* Come on Davy.

Me: Ummm, is there something you need? Why does he have that big stick?

Fanny: Oh who knows. He just picks things up outside. One time he came home with a dead snake and a pair of ladies underpants.

Me: *stare*

Fanny: I wondered if I could have some sugar.

Me: Okay, how much?

Fanny: You got a bag I could take?

Me: A whole bag?

Grandson: *swinging giant tree limb around my kitchen*

Me: Be carefully with that please!

Fanny: Oh he’s alright. Yeah, I need a whole bag.

Me: Well, I can give you a couple cups.

Fanny: Oh nevermind, that’s not enough.

Grandson: *banging giant tree limb against my wall*

Me: Hey, stop it!

Fanny: Not to worry. That’ll touch up with a little paint.


And this is why we never answer our door or walk around outside in the daylight anymore. On account of our redneck racist hobbit neighbors.

Friday, July 2, 2010

This Is The Reason Sparklers Were Invented

This is an important weekend for Americans. Most of us are getting a 3 day weekend to celebrate. This is probably the most significant weekend of the year and should be celebrated with excitement, dignity and respect. That's right...Twilight Eclipse is in theaters, y’all!

What? Like you didn’t know that was what I was talking about.

It’s a big deal. I mean, government offices are closing down. Pork ribs are on sale at the grocery store. People are getting drunk. Cities are setting off fireworks.

I think my cup from Burger King really illustrates the immensity of the event.

Oops, my panties just flew off.

Happy Eclipse of July Weekend, Everyone! And God Bless Team Jacob.