I Don't Have Time For This

Dudes. Seriously. I'm never around anymore, I know. I haven't been commenting on any of y'alls blogs and I know I'm missing some good shit. I've got about 12 shows on my dvr that I need to watch too, so I'm trying to split my three milliseconds of free time up between blogging and catching up on Glee and Fringe. Glee won last night. Sorry.

What's even worse is that I somehow missed knowing that Pee Wee was on the Jay Leno show this week. How could I have possibly missed that???? I should be spanked. I mean, I'm basically his biggest fan. I even stuck with him through the jerking-off-in-a-porno-theater thing. Everyone needs to get off once in awhile. Please. It's not like he was jerking off onto a choir boys face or something. Okay, I apologize...that last sentence was just gross and uncalled for. But still a funny visual. You totally laughed when you pictured it, right? Yeah, I know you did....you guys are disgusting perverts. I love you.

Anyway, thank goodness someone left me a comment on my last post about Pee Wee being on Leno's show. Except now I have to watch that tonight instead of commenting on all of y'alls blogs. So yeah, sorry.

P.S. I kind of speed watched the Pee Wee episode and the best part was this line. "One of the benefits about having white people in Harlem is that now I can get a salad." Awesome. Would have been more awesome if Pee Wee had said it.

P.P.S. I almost passed out from the excitement when I saw Pee Wee come out (hee hee)!!

I'm Still Sick So Don't Expect Anything Witty From Me, Okay?

My throat is on fire, y'all. And my left lymph node is all hurty and swollen and I keep pushing on it trying to get it to stop being so sticky outy. And I'm pretty sure I had a fever today because I've been sweating off and on for no reason. I mean, fat girls do that on a normal day...but it was worse than usual. Plus my eyes are still itchy and my eyelids are swollen for some reason so I look like my face is trying to eat my eyes.

The Kiddo had an academic achievement award ceremony tonight (snore) and because I'm the best stepmom on the fucking planet, I got out of my sick pajamas, put on a bra and outside clothes and sat in a gymnasium for 2 hours to watch my kid's five seconds of recognition. I spent the rest of the 2 hours making fun of the other teenagers as they walked across the floor to get their awards. I kept whispering things to Captain Carl like "I've seen at least ten Billy Dee Williams moustaches so far" and "Since when is it okay for 16 year old girls to wear tube tops to school functions?" and "Look at that kid...I've seen better heads on boils!". Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself.

So I got my own award from miss. chief yesterday. It's not an academic achievement award, it's way better. So thanks miss. chief for recognizing how wonderful I am! It's about time someone did, damn it.


I'm passing this award on to Tracey at Green-Eyed Momster because she is just plain wonderful and she deserves it, yo. So "jugs" to you, Tracey!

Peace out nerds....

Thanks For Nothing Alarm Clock, You Big Jerk

I've always wanted one of those nature sound alarm clocks. You know, the kind that plays peaceful sounds like waves crashing and birds singing and babbling brooks and kittens licking puppies and shit like that. I just knew that once I had one I would go to bed earlier every night and set my kick ass nature sound alarm clock timer to play a rain storm for 30 minutes and I would fall asleep easily and dream of peaceful nature-y things.

I've wanted this thing for at least 5 years. And no, Mr. or Mrs. Smarty Pants, I don't know why I didn't just buy myself one, okay? Leave me alone and let me tell my story, dammit!

ahem

Finally last Christmas someone in Captain Carl's family actually bought me something off my "Top 10 Best Christmas Gifts for Miss Yvonne" list that I pass out annually. I never get anything off that list and no Captain Carl, it's not because no one has ever actually asked me for a list and no Mom, it's not because everyone thinks I'm a rude missy-miss with no manners for sending it out every year. It's because most everything I put on there is so magical and wonderful, they can't believe they actually exist and so they don't even bother trying to find them. But listen jerks, unicorn bed pillows made out of spun sugar and moon beams DO exist and have you ever heard of Amazon? Because that place is crammed full of everything you could ever want and if you'd only take the time to look you'd know I'm not, as you say, "bat-shit crazy" and "ridonkulous" and FYI ridonkulous isn't even that funny of a word so stop being all laughy and proud of yourself for saying it.

Anyway....Captain Carl's cousin got me the nature sounds alarm clock last Christmas and I was happy. The thing has five nature sounds (five!) and this thing that projects the time onto the ceiling (projects!) and you can have your alarm sound be the standard beep, the radio or one of the five nature sounds (fuck yeah!). Oh let me tell you, I was ecstatic.

The very next day I crawled into bed, turned on the thunderstorm sound and snuggled under the covers. And then Captain Carl walked in and was all "Why are you in bed? It's 1:30 in the afternoon" and I was all "Shut it, I'm listening to a thunderstorm on my alarm clock" and he was all "Are you sure the sound isn't coming from outside?" and I was all "I know, right! It's so realistic!" and he was all "No, I'm pretty sure it's coming from outside because it's totally storming and your alarm clock isn't even plugged in" and then I was all "Thanks a lot, dream crusher".

So I was happy for about a nanosecond with my nature sounds alarm clock. There it sat on my bedside table, promising to be all nature-y and soundy and it hardly ever was either of those things. I never took the time to go to bed early just to listen to crickets chirping on it. And the time projector thing? Yeah, it was just a blob of light on my ceiling and you couldn't read it. The backlight was so bright, we could use it to make animal shapes with our hands on the wall. And the ocean wave sound really just sounded like someone going "FWOOSHHHH" too close to a microphone. And then the thing betrayed me in the worst possible way. The alarm stopped going off in the mornings. Three times last week I was significantly late for work because of that bitch.

And so on Sunday, I had to drag out my old boring no-nature sounds alarm clock and plug it in. And I woke up about 10 times that night freaking out, because I was sure it's feelings were way hurt that I had replaced it and it would refuse to alarm me at 5:30am just out of spite. But it did work and now I know the nature sound alarm clock was a bad idea but it also taught me a valuable lesson and that lesson is this: By tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself and by tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattle tale and is that the tale you really want to tell?

Wait, I don't think that's right. I think that was a Mike Brady-ism.

Meh, whatever.

Useful Information For Your Everyday Existence

If only I'd known about this sooner. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

The dude that wrote this obviously needed more lard in his life.

If you think about it, this is brilliant piece of advice. I mean, you should try everything at least once before you die, right?

Thank goodness the tape worms are sanitized. Otherwise that would just be gross.

Well duh.

The Perfect Valentine For 3 Year Olds

My friend DZ asked me if I could help her find some cute valentines for her 3 year old son to pass out at daycare.

I'm pretty sure the search is over.

Already with the Holiday Crap? Plus A Haircut Happened.

My neighbor has his Christmas lights up already. Suck it, neighbor dude.

I mean come on...before Thanksgiving even? And way to totally outdo me with the giant blow-up snowglobe with the penguin that plays peekaboo from the inside. Like my two strings of flashing lights in the overgrown bushes/weeds in front of my house can compete with that shit.

Maybe I'll try to get in the holiday spirit here on the ole blog. Here's a pic to get you in the mood. This is me and my niece wearing jacked up cowgirl outfits in front of my in-laws house at Christmas in 2006. Notice the awesome Christmas decorations. We were leaving to go ghost hunting. Yep, you heard me.

Here's proof of the ghost hunting. We're standing in front of a crypt in the woods...for reals! It's scary as shit. That's Captain Carl on the far right. That's his "mocking my fear" face. He doesn't believe in ghosts, can you tell?

Hey guess what? I got a haircut today. In case you don't remember, read this post to see how my last one went. Yeah, it's really been that long since I cut my hair. I'm a beauty procrastinator. This time things went much better. Captain Carl said it's the best haircut I've ever had since he's known me. Of course, he didn't know me in high school when I had my kick ass spiral perm and mall bangs. I went with the stacked bob cut. Think Victoria Beckham, only fatter with a double chin.