I've always wanted one of those nature sound alarm clocks. You know, the kind that plays peaceful sounds like waves crashing and birds singing and babbling brooks and kittens licking puppies and shit like that. I just knew that once I had one I would go to bed earlier every night and set my kick ass nature sound alarm clock timer to play a rain storm for 30 minutes and I would fall asleep easily and dream of peaceful nature-y things.
I've wanted this thing for at least 5 years. And no, Mr. or Mrs. Smarty Pants, I don't know why I didn't just buy myself one, okay? Leave me alone and let me tell my story, dammit!
Finally last Christmas someone in Captain Carl's family actually bought me something off my "Top 10 Best Christmas Gifts for Miss Yvonne" list that I pass out annually. I never get anything off that list and no Captain Carl, it's not because no one has ever actually asked me for a list and no Mom, it's not because everyone thinks I'm a rude missy-miss with no manners for sending it out every year. It's because most everything I put on there is so magical and wonderful, they can't believe they actually exist and so they don't even bother trying to find them. But listen jerks, unicorn bed pillows made out of spun sugar and moon beams DO exist and have you ever heard of Amazon? Because that place is crammed full of everything you could ever want and if you'd only take the time to look you'd know I'm not, as you say, "bat-shit crazy" and "ridonkulous" and FYI ridonkulous isn't even that funny of a word so stop being all laughy and proud of yourself for saying it.
Anyway....Captain Carl's cousin got me the nature sounds alarm clock last Christmas and I was happy. The thing has five nature sounds (five!) and this thing that projects the time onto the ceiling (projects!) and you can have your alarm sound be the standard beep, the radio or one of the five nature sounds (fuck yeah!). Oh let me tell you, I was ecstatic.
The very next day I crawled into bed, turned on the thunderstorm sound and snuggled under the covers. And then Captain Carl walked in and was all "Why are you in bed? It's 1:30 in the afternoon" and I was all "Shut it, I'm listening to a thunderstorm on my alarm clock" and he was all "Are you sure the sound isn't coming from outside?" and I was all "I know, right! It's so realistic!" and he was all "No, I'm pretty sure it's coming from outside because it's totally storming and your alarm clock isn't even plugged in" and then I was all "Thanks a lot, dream crusher".
So I was happy for about a nanosecond with my nature sounds alarm clock. There it sat on my bedside table, promising to be all nature-y and soundy and it hardly ever was either of those things. I never took the time to go to bed early just to listen to crickets chirping on it. And the time projector thing? Yeah, it was just a blob of light on my ceiling and you couldn't read it. The backlight was so bright, we could use it to make animal shapes with our hands on the wall. And the ocean wave sound really just sounded like someone going "FWOOSHHHH" too close to a microphone. And then the thing betrayed me in the worst possible way. The alarm stopped going off in the mornings. Three times last week I was significantly late for work because of that bitch.
And so on Sunday, I had to drag out my old boring no-nature sounds alarm clock and plug it in. And I woke up about 10 times that night freaking out, because I was sure it's feelings were way hurt that I had replaced it and it would refuse to alarm me at 5:30am just out of spite. But it did work and now I know the nature sound alarm clock was a bad idea but it also taught me a valuable lesson and that lesson is this: By tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself and by tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattle tale and is that the tale you really want to tell?
Wait, I don't think that's right. I think that was a Mike Brady-ism.
On Becoming My Grandmother
1 month ago