Captain Carl and I went for a drive in the country on Saturday. It was 78 degrees and sunny and there was no way we were going to stay inside. So we hopped in the Jeep and headed out with only a camera and our wits to guide us. Okay, we also had an atlas and a tarp, but that was all. Oh and satellite radio because how can you go backroading without jazz music, yo? I also had some tampons and gum. Just like the pioneers.
We always have a great time on our road trips....just driving around aimlessly with the windows down, holding hands and finding some really cool shit. I have this somewhat unhealthy obsession with old cemeteries, so most of our country road trips involve finding as many of them as possible. And once we find them, I take pictures while the Captain wanders around yelling things at me like "This guy was in the civil war!" or "This one is so old I can't read the gravestone." or "Is it normal for a hand to be poking out of the ground?"
But we stopped our country drives for awhile after one trip last year. It had been raining the day before and some of those country dirt roads were a little muddy. I had never felt uneasy with the Captain's driving on any of these dirt roads before....mainly because I used to drive them a lot back when I was a teenager because that's where you go when you live in a small town when you want to have sex or get drunk and not get caught.
So there we were last year, driving down a muddy dirt road with not a care in the world. At first it was just kind of muddy and wet on the sides, but as we continued the mud started to creep towards the middle of the road. Then I noticed the very shallow ditches on either side were filled with water and a little bit further down I could see the water was up on the road. And the Captain was driving towards it like he didn't even see it. And that's when I started to get nervous. So I said ever so timidly to my dear husband, "What the hell man, there's water up there! Stop!". And the Captain replied in sweet honeyed tones, "Back off, we're fine goddamnit!" So I grabbed the door with the patented white-knuckle-wife grip and started praying in my head "Baby Jesus, please don't let us get stuck. Please please please. All we have are some fucking tampons and our stupid-ass wits and I'm sorry but that shit ain't gonna help us now!"
So yeah, we got stuck.
There was a huge muddy pond on the right side of the road and when the Captain looked down to downshift or whatever the fuck you do to drive through a muddy lake, he swerved TOWARDS the damn thing and we went right into it. And when he started spinning the tires I said very calmly "Ohmygodohmygodohmygoddd!!!!!!" and I'm pretty sure it was all the Captain could do to keep himself from giving me the pimp hand. Instead of bitch slapping me, he tells me to shut up and get in the driver's seat because he's going to push us out.
Yeah, that totally didn't work.
He's back there behind the Jeep yelling directions at me and while I'm working my magic on the accelerator, he's getting mud flung all over his person. We do that for about 10 minutes and guess what? We're still stuck. Plan B: the Captain walks into the woods and for a minute I think he's going to just walk off and leave me there, crying in the Jeep. But he grabbed a fallen tree limb instead and stuck it under the tire as leverage. We try that for another 10 minutes and I swear we're even deeper in the mud than we were before. By now, he has fallen backwards and forwards into the mud many times and closely resembles a mud bug or swamp rat or chupacabra or something.
So now I'm really freaking out and I'm thinking "We're in the middle of fucking nowhere and how the hell are we going to get out of here?" And right then I see 2 four-wheelers drive up over the hill in front of us. And behind them is a big truck. And behind him is a tractor. Out of absolutely nowhere. It was the most beautiful fucking thing I'd ever seen in my life. I just knew Baby Jesus sent them to us.
So the gentlemen riding on and in all of these vehicles get out and walk over to speak with us.
Farmer Fred: What seems to be the problem folks?
Captain Carl: Well, we got ourselves stuck.
Farmer Fred: Yep, looks that way.
Captain Carl: Ahhh, yeah.
Tractor Tom: Got yerself a little muddy, huh?
Captain Carl: Sure did.
Tractor Tom: I might could pull y'all out if you need.
Me: Yes! Yes yes, please pull us out! sob sob sob sob
So Farmer Fred and Tractor Tom handed a giant chain and big hook to the Captain and they watched as he hooked up the Jeep to the tractor while yelling things at me and I'm all "What?? I can't hear you over the engine!" and he's all "Blahbrsuuahd;lddcup!" and I'm all "You want me to rev it?" and he's all "Noeaisdeioadlfud!!!" and I'm all "Okay, seems weird to me though" and then when he crawls out he tells me he wanted me to turn off the Jeep so his arm wouldn't get ripped off by the belt and I told him well sorry but you should have said that before you crawled under there and is it my fault you can't plan ahead?
Then Tractor Tom pulled us out in about 5 seconds, and I left the Captain standing in the mud while I drove up the hill to safety before stopping. The poor Captain had to walk up the hill to the Jeep and then had to suffer the embarrassment of stripping down to his underwear while all these men watched. They were waiting for us to leave so they could continue on their way and I don't think the Captain was too happy with me when I tried in vain to wipe the mud off his body with 3 handi-wipes I found in my purse. Lucky for us we had the tarp in the back of the Jeep for him to sit on. Take that, wits!
Home was two hours away. Imagine sitting at stop lights in nothing but your underwear, covered in mud, while the redneck in the truck next to you stares and laughs. And then to make things worse, the mud starts to dry and it's also in your butt crack so by the time you get home your butt cheeks are stuck together. That shit will scar you for life. So will your wife laughing at you in the garage while you peel off your underwear and shake your butt cheeks apart trying to get the dried mud out from between them.