I have a work friend (let's call him Worky because I'm a genius at making up names) that got fired a few weeks ago for completely bogus reasons. Basically, his department manager is a total a-hole who came here from another branch and has made it his goal to pick off the "locals" one by one. Well Worky emailed me today to tell me that he just found out the jerk manager lives in his apartment building.
How ironic is that?? And I don't mean ironic in a Alanis-Morisette-rain-on-your-wedding-day way...I mean ironic in a well-isn't-this-a-kick-in-the-vagina way. Just to clarify.
So I asked Worky if he's seen the guy yet and he said no and hopes he never does. But because I'm such a great friend, I told him he should find out which apartment the guy is in and then scare him....just a little. Worky asked me how he should do such a thing, which made me very happy because I love to tell people what to do. So I emailed him this:
"Well this is just off the cuff here, but how about you knock very very lightly on the guy's door late one night so he'll think 'huh, did someone just knock or am I hearing things?' and then when he opens the door, you're just standing there and not saying anything but you have a huge creepy smile on your face and the words 'Ya Mo Be There' written in sharpie on your forehead and maybe you could be holding something random like half a banana or a lawn chair and then when the guy asks you what you're doing there, just keep smiling and then walk off but keep looking back over your shoulder and maybe point at him a few times as you're walking and then when you get around the corner, peek back around it only now you're wearing a clown mask."
That's only a little scary, right?
I'm asking because it took Worky awhile to write back to me and when he did, all he wrote was "I want to scare him, not get myself arrested" and I wrote back "pussy" and he wrote back "your mom" and I wrote back "I taught you that, you can't use your mom against me!" and he wrote back "can too" and I wrote back "cannot infinity!" and he wrote back "can too infinity plus one" and then I stopped writing because how can I beat a mastermind like that?
On Becoming My Grandmother
5 weeks ago