Friday, March 20, 2009

The Solution To Every Problem? Clown Masks

I have a work friend (let's call him Worky because I'm a genius at making up names) that got fired a few weeks ago for completely bogus reasons. Basically, his department manager is a total a-hole who came here from another branch and has made it his goal to pick off the "locals" one by one. Well Worky emailed me today to tell me that he just found out the jerk manager lives in his apartment building.

How ironic is that?? And I don't mean ironic in a Alanis-Morisette-rain-on-your-wedding-day way...I mean ironic in a well-isn't-this-a-kick-in-the-vagina way. Just to clarify.

So I asked Worky if he's seen the guy yet and he said no and hopes he never does. But because I'm such a great friend, I told him he should find out which apartment the guy is in and then scare him....just a little. Worky asked me how he should do such a thing, which made me very happy because I love to tell people what to do. So I emailed him this:

"Well this is just off the cuff here, but how about you knock very very lightly on the guy's door late one night so he'll think 'huh, did someone just knock or am I hearing things?' and then when he opens the door, you're just standing there and not saying anything but you have a huge creepy smile on your face and the words 'Ya Mo Be There' written in sharpie on your forehead and maybe you could be holding something random like half a banana or a lawn chair and then when the guy asks you what you're doing there, just keep smiling and then walk off but keep looking back over your shoulder and maybe point at him a few times as you're walking and then when you get around the corner, peek back around it only now you're wearing a clown mask."

That's only a little scary, right?

I'm asking because it took Worky awhile to write back to me and when he did, all he wrote was "I want to scare him, not get myself arrested" and I wrote back "pussy" and he wrote back "your mom" and I wrote back "I taught you that, you can't use your mom against me!" and he wrote back "can too" and I wrote back "cannot infinity!" and he wrote back "can too infinity plus one" and then I stopped writing because how can I beat a mastermind like that?


kaila said...

"Ya Mo Be There" in sharpie. On his forehead.

Woman you crack me up to infinity plus one.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Ya Mo Be There? If only I could hit "follow" more than once.

That's the best creepy yet totally legal harassment scenario ever. And coming from me, that's a HUGE compliment.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Remind him to use the buddy system for the sharpie forehead so he doesn't end up writing it backwards. Otherwise it'll come out all "Ereht eb om ay" which means "I raped your cat" in Elvish. After that I can't vouch for the legality.

Kurt said...

There have been greater things written than "Ya Mo Be There" but they escape me at present. I want to be the target of this level of creepy harassment. I would totally enjoy it.

Betsey Booms said...

There is nothing illegal about any of that.

Just awesome.

Lot's of awesome.

Bon Don said...

You give awesome advice!

BTW I love coming to your blog because it makes me wanna say "Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho" all day!!!

*Bon Don*

Reeky said...

totally creepy. may not get him arrested but could certainly justify a restraining order.

but great stuff. the clown mask seals the deal.

@bon don...agreed. big 'ol pee wee fan. had the honor of lend my VHS 1st-3rd seasons to my nephew years ago and he's still driving my sister nuts with his silly laughs and I don't make monkeys I just train ums.

everytime I see Cowboy Carl on CSI I crack up. Go Lawrence Go.

Vic said...

I love it! He should follow that up by coming back later and humming "Ya Mo Be There" softly in the hallway, accompanied by gentle ukelele chords. "UP and over.."

Gavin said...

Thats pretty creepy, I'm in favour of the garden chair and clown mask, as random as possible.

Here in Ireland we say 'yer ma', as in:

Got some new shoes today.
Got yer ma some new shoes.
Excuse me?
Excuse yer ma.
You're wierd.
Your ma's wierd.

Some day I'll write a blog on yer ma. Actually when I said earlier in Ireland we say yer ma, eh, most fifteen year olds grow out of it after a couple of weeks, but I'm 32 an I still use it daily. I AINT GROWIN UP MAN, YOU CANT MAKE ME!!!

Traceytreasure said...

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. That's really weird how they live in the same building. I'd put Vaseline on his doorknob because I'm just that immature! YO!


Lulu said...

Genius. Sheer genuis, especially the clown mask. Best ever. Except if you want to loan out Eco Nazi to go over there and borrow a strainer. With a clown mask.

word verification?


Which is code for legal creepy stalkery.

Miss Yvonne said...

kaila: I figured it would be easier to read on his forehead than on his arm or something...cause I'm smart like that.

SMU, Kid: Holy shit, you speak Elvish??? Please please please find a way to follow me twice, I could really use the double dose of awesomeness on my blog.

Kurt: Your wish is my command. Be on the lookout for a chubby girl wearing a clown mask...I'll probably be around the corner just behind you. You're welcome.

Betsey: Your mom's lots of awesome.

Bon Don: Your wish is granted, long live Jambi.

Reeky: Nice to have a fellow Pee Wee freak visit my blog. Cowboy Curtis is on CSI??? Does he still wear the hat?

Vic: Oooh, good idea! Maybe put a tape player (cause I'm old school 80's, yo) inside a clown mask and leave it outside his door.

Gavin: I love yer ma, I'm totally going to use that spelling and will say it with a really bad Irish accent. In your honor. Aren't you the lucky one?

Tracey: I see your vaseline idea and raise you grease paint. You know, because clowns wear it. I just totally blew your mind right there, didn't I?

Lulu: See, this is why I like you. Way to tie in Eco Nazi and make it full circle.

Brandy Rose said...

Holy Crap! I so have to find someone to do this to now!