I'm a pretty fastidious person for the most part. I enjoy being clean and non-stinky. I also enjoy having freshly laundered sheets and clothing. The roommates apparently do not enjoy the same things as me.
Eco Nazi and Kool Aid have not done their laundry in over a month. Which means that they are probably wearing dirty underwear and jeans that have crotch rot smell right this minute. I have never seen them wash their sheets. NEVER. They've lived here since the end of January, people. Maybe they could have snuck them through a wash and dry cycle without either the Captain or myself noticing. But that's highly unlikely since when they do get around to doing laundry, it takes them three damn days to get two loads completed because they never take their shit out of the washer or dryer. This means that they have two month old dirty sex and snot sheets on my once clean and comfortable guest room bed. Mother fuckers!!
And while I'm on the subject of laundry, whoever the hell taught these three kids how to wash clothes should be punched in the face and/or junk. Eco and Kool Aid have washed clothes twice I think since they moved in. Both times, they just threw everything in the washer together and put so much in that it couldn't handle the load (that's what she said) and proceeded to bounce around my laundry room like it was possessed. And they don't even sort their colors. I noticed that when I ran in there to turn off the washer before it shook so far away from the wall that it disconnected the water hose. Dudes, there were whites mixed in with blacks and reds! The OCD part of my brain exploded when I saw that and I wept a little for my poor washing machine being subjected to such laundry abuse. Bambi is no better....she washes her clothes once a month, and when that day arrives she drags two huge cardboard boxes down filled with laundry and leaves them sitting in our tiny laundry room for four days while she wanders in every once in a while to complete a load.
Some of you might be wondering why the laundry is such a huge issue for me. Here's why...I have a laundry fetish. I love doing laundry. I just like having clean things. I like the way clothes and towels feel when they are freshly laundered. I could roll around on my just-out-of-the-dryer-and-still-warm sheets for hours, sniffing my pillows and fondling my comforter. I even like the way our old dryer sounds when it's running, all clunky and clinky.
Oh how I love clean laundry.
If clean laundry was a song, it would be You Light Up My Life. And you do laundry, you do.
If clean laundry was a movie line, it would be You complete me.
If clean laundry was an animal, it would be a fluffy bunny being snuggled by a cute puppy playing with an adorable kitten.
If clean laundry was a teenage boy, I would totally dry hump it in the backseat of it's car and then pass it a note in class the next day asking why it's not talking to me.
Pssst...hey laundry. Call me.
Twelve Years, Give or Take.
3 months ago