Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Am I The Only One With A Laundry Fetish?

I'm a pretty fastidious person for the most part. I enjoy being clean and non-stinky. I also enjoy having freshly laundered sheets and clothing. The roommates apparently do not enjoy the same things as me.

Eco Nazi and Kool Aid have not done their laundry in over a month. Which means that they are probably wearing dirty underwear and jeans that have crotch rot smell right this minute. I have never seen them wash their sheets. NEVER. They've lived here since the end of January, people. Maybe they could have snuck them through a wash and dry cycle without either the Captain or myself noticing. But that's highly unlikely since when they do get around to doing laundry, it takes them three damn days to get two loads completed because they never take their shit out of the washer or dryer. This means that they have two month old dirty sex and snot sheets on my once clean and comfortable guest room bed. Mother fuckers!!

And while I'm on the subject of laundry, whoever the hell taught these three kids how to wash clothes should be punched in the face and/or junk. Eco and Kool Aid have washed clothes twice I think since they moved in. Both times, they just threw everything in the washer together and put so much in that it couldn't handle the load (that's what she said) and proceeded to bounce around my laundry room like it was possessed. And they don't even sort their colors. I noticed that when I ran in there to turn off the washer before it shook so far away from the wall that it disconnected the water hose. Dudes, there were whites mixed in with blacks and reds! The OCD part of my brain exploded when I saw that and I wept a little for my poor washing machine being subjected to such laundry abuse. Bambi is no better....she washes her clothes once a month, and when that day arrives she drags two huge cardboard boxes down filled with laundry and leaves them sitting in our tiny laundry room for four days while she wanders in every once in a while to complete a load.

Some of you might be wondering why the laundry is such a huge issue for me. Here's why...I have a laundry fetish. I love doing laundry. I just like having clean things. I like the way clothes and towels feel when they are freshly laundered. I could roll around on my just-out-of-the-dryer-and-still-warm sheets for hours, sniffing my pillows and fondling my comforter. I even like the way our old dryer sounds when it's running, all clunky and clinky.

Oh how I love clean laundry.

If clean laundry was a song, it would be You Light Up My Life. And you do laundry, you do.

If clean laundry was a movie line, it would be You complete me.

If clean laundry was an animal, it would be a fluffy bunny being snuggled by a cute puppy playing with an adorable kitten.

If clean laundry was a teenage boy, I would totally dry hump it in the backseat of it's car and then pass it a note in class the next day asking why it's not talking to me.


Pssst...hey laundry. Call me.


PLO said...

Yes. I found my LARGE pull string Pee Wee and Chairy today amongst the basement debris. I thought of you.

Miss Yvonne said...

PLO: :-( I heart you. Hang in there girl.

Amber Dawn said...

um, could you please come to my house? We have laundry going every day but the pile in the dirty hamper never seems to get smaller. It actually just seems to get bigger. I think I am doing it wrong.
dirty sex and snott.......pyoooook.

Lulu said...

PLO - I sent some funds to the fund - hope it's helping. :)

Apparently, the movie title for your renters is Laundry: We're just Not that into you.

I LOVE clean laundry. I won't let my guests do their own laundry. I'll probably be battling the outlaws for control of their socks.

Word verif - dumsteri.

Dumsteri. Where you want to stuff your renters.

Kurt said...

If clean laundry were your mom, I might call her the next day.

Scandalous Housewife said...

I have a vacuum fetish. I love clean laundry, but hate to wash and fold! I solve this by buying myself, hubby and kids 30+ pairs of underwear, socks, etc. to minimize my efforts in this area. Brilliant, huh?

Traceytreasure said...

My hubby did laundry once. He must have taught Eco and Kool how to do it. Ewww...
You're going to have to burn that bed when they move out.
Here's my post about why I consider myself a Laundry Goddess:
Laundry isn't calling you tonight. It called me today and I'm on my 11th load. Two more to go!
Maybe tomorrow!

sour said...

i'm a throw-it-all-in-the-washing-machine-together kinda gal
i'm quite the package

diane said...

I love doing laundry, too. It's like going shopping every time I fold my clean clothes and put them away; yep, I'm just that weird.
Thanks for dropping by and checking out my page, I was totally flattered when I read your comment. xo

Kate said...

I would probably do laundry far more often than I do right now if it weren't for the fact that the washer and dryer live in the "Silence of the Lambs" looking cave-basement of our dumpy rental. You know it has to be pretty scary if I opt for taking all of my stuff to a laundromat for cleaning instead of just shlepping it down to the basement...

Dana's Brain said...

My life would be so much better if I had a laundry fetish. Laundry is more like my arch nemesis. As I type this, one entire side of my sectional couch is covered in clean laundry that needs to be folded. *sigh*

Betsey Booms said...

Yeah, guess who else wrote about laundry today?

But I didn't write it a love note.

I love clean laundry, loooooove it. However, when I feel like death warmed over, I want it to do itself.

After 1.5 hours of laundry folding last night, I feel accomplished and oh so happy!

rachie! said...

Not washing clothes for a month? I can't even go on a 10 day vacation without washing clothes. I'm a freak.

Mona Lott said...

Ew. I have an ex boyfriend who never did his laundry or changed his sheets... Or had sex with me.

I could tell you what his room smelled like, but you seem like a nice gal:)

Miss Yvonne said...

Amber Dawn: See, laundry gets dirty on purpose for you because it loves you so much.

Lulu: I would totally stuff my renters in the dumpsteri if I thought I could get away with it.

Kurt: Your mom called. She wants her lame joke back. Boo-ya!

Scandelous Housewife: That is so brilliant, you totally blew my mind.

Tracey: Laundry, you bitch! I told you not to go to Tracey's house last night!

sour: Is your name Eco Nazi or Kool Aid by any chance?

diane: You are so right, it is like going shopping every time you do your laundry. That laundry... what a giver, huh?

Kate: The house I grew up in had a Silence of the Lambs basement too. Every time I peered down the stairs I would say "It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again".

Dana: That's just your laundry's way of telling you it loves you and wants to sit near you.

Betsey: Your laundry understands why you've neglected it lately. And it totally wants you to blow your nose on it. Laundry is such a giver.

rachie: I am exactly the same way. If I go away for more than a day, I am itching to get my dirty clothes cleaned.

Mona: I can't decide which is worse about your ex-boyfriend. That he didn't do laundry or didn't have sex with you. Both are bad. Really really bad.

kaila said...

The Oilybeauhunk is the laundry freak of our house. He is constantly doing laundry - and yes, he rolls around lovingly on fresh from the dryer sheets & blankets. Problem? He doesn't separate his colors either. Drives me insane. I have given up after 5 years.

Mona Lott said...


Well, if he'd done the laundry he would have had a shot... But once I got a whiff of his room I was totally afraid to find out what his balls smelled like;D

The Yak said...

Don't you HATE when people leave loads in the washer? My husband does that all the time. I yell at him because we have this high-tech front-loading washer which is totally airtight when the door is shut, which means if anything is left in there that's wet for more than five minutes, it starts to mildew and the washer smells like ass forever more. Or until you waste a bunch of hot water and bleach running it on empty, like the owner's manual tells you. And also? I love clean clothes too, but the folding? Not so much.