Sunday, March 15, 2009

How To Clean A Fish Tank And Piss Off Your Landlords At The Same Time

Picture this: It's Saturday. I'm cleaning the kitchen and notice as I'm putting away dishes that the strainer is not in it's usual location. Things have gone missing several times since the renters moved in. I once found all of our cutting boards (we have several because we like to do a lot of chopping, yo) stuck in a cabinet where they've never resided before. And last week, one of them stuck all my tupperware lids in the wrong section of my tupperware cabinet. This bothers me because I'm anal and have a tiny little anxiety issue, but I try not to get upset about it because hey, at least they put them away somewhere right?

Yes, I have a tupperware cabinet with designated lid locations. Shut up.

Back to our regularly scheduled program....

I mentioned the missing strainer to Captain Carl and asked him what he thought they would be doing with our kitchen strainer and those biches better not have used it to clean their fucking fish tank. And the Captain just looked at me for a moment and said "You know that's probably what they did" and then I said "Well they better not have or I'm gonna go all Chuck Norris on their asses" and then I made brownies because nothing distracts me from unpleasantness like freshly baked brownies.

So Eco Nazi and Kool Aid meander into the kitchen a few hours later to cook something involving huge amounts of mushrooms, onions and leeks because they are worldly and like to eat exotic and grown-up shit, okay? We were about the leave for a friends house so the Captain spent only a few minutes asking them about the strainer. Which was lucky for them because if I had been staying there one more minute they would have gotten a face full of Chuck Norris-style fury courtesy of Miss Yvonne. Alright I probably would have just fumed in silence but they totally would have been terrified just by the look in my eyes because I can be intimidating in a scary silent Hannibal Lecter way, so be quiet.

The Captain: Hey guys, do you know where our strainer is?
Eco Nazi: Oh ummm, yeah.
The Captain: Do you have it upstairs?
Eco Nazi: Yeah.
The Captain: Why do you have our strainer upstairs?
Eco Nazi: To strain stuff.
The Captain: What kind of stuff?
Eco Nazi: Uhhhh, rocks.
The Captain: The rocks that are in your fish tank?
Eco Nazi: Uhh, yeah.

He actually had the nerve to chuckle at this point, because apparently this was a super funny situation in his mind.

The Captain: You owe me a strainer, my friend.
Eco Nazi: Huh?
The Captain: We eat food that goes in that strainer dude. You can't do shit like that. You need to buy me a new strainer.
Eco Nazi: Oh, ummm...okay.

Somewhere during that conversation I yelled "Gross!" and left the room because I didn't trust myself to not hit that fucktard over the head with a pan. Seriously??? You are using MY FUCKING STRAINER TO CLEAN YOUR FUCKING FISH TANK, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE??????

I couldn't bring myself to ask how many times they had done that already, because I would never be able to eat off anything in my kitchen ever again. Somehow Captain Carl managed to herd me out the door before I could grab a paring knife and shank Eco. I pretty much screamed the whole way to our friends house about how angry I was, but luckily for the Captain our friends only live 3 streets away. And thank goodness our friends know me well, so they didn't even blink when I stalked into their home, ranting and flinging my shaky hands around like a crazy person.

When we got home six hours later, there was a new strainer sitting on the kitchen counter. The Captain said at least they went out and bought us a new one right away, to which I said fuck that shit, it doesn't change the fact that they used something we put cooked pasta into as a fish shit strainer.

God only knows what they've been doing with our tongs.


Kurt said...

You should go upstairs and cook pasta in their fishtank.

Also...nice usage of "Yo" and "shank".

Mad street cred, yo!

Traceytreasure said...

I hope you have your toothbrushes locked up safe and sound.

I thought they had crabs. Crabs and fish? Hmmmm...Sounds like dinner to me!!

Sorry about your strainer, I'm missing the handle off of mine. Yeah, MY people lost it....


Lotta said...

I kid you fucking not this same thing happened to us! And I wrote "FISH STRAINER" with a big black Sharpie on the contaminated container and banned it from the kitchen.

Betsey Booms said...

Freaking rules people!

I would make a new one immediately, things from kitchen only used for kitchen things.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Your use of "yo" at the end of a sentence about chopping boards is the whitest use of that expression to date, in the history of mankind. I think you just invented a new kind of street cred.

Brandy Rose said...

You should eat their fish, or at least pretend you did.

Vic said...

What kind of calming brownies are you making?

I think you should cook their fish.

kaila said...

Brownies cure everything. You should cook them some pasta with that strainer - tell them you used a "special" spice.

Houston said...

I totally think you should make a shiv out of a bar of soap ad an old toothbrush and shank their hides while they are in the shower (they do shower right? Ewwww... Had to ask).

You HAVE to make an example out of them. I mean REALLY did you check your TEA PITCHER to make sure the fish weren't homing up in there while they cleaned their fish rocks?


This is why I refuse to be a hippie!

P.S. My word verification is SALMONELLA (OK, but that is what I thought)

Johnny B. Truant said...

That's like the time I used every fork in the house to kill a boar and then put them back without washing them. My roommates got all mad. What a bunch of pussies.

Jack said...

I thought they had crabs. Crabs and fish? Hmmmm...Sounds like dinner to me!!
if you have enough time do daily 10% water changes.
if not do 35% water changes 2x a week.
and every month do 100%.
take care of discus fish

kate said...

Now I just wanna go make brownies...