Harry = No Vibrator Necessary

So I don't know if any of you are watching American Idol this year. I am. Barely. Because, snore. The best one is a girl who looks like she just set down her bong before walking on stage, so imagine how lively that one is. She's all "whoa, I'm totally singing. That dude has an English accent. Far out." or something. I don't know, I'm not up on all the pot lingo.

But anyway, I have to at least listen to it in the background every week because Captain Carl is all gay for this show. Seriously, dude can't miss it. I'm pretty sure he'd go down on Ryan Seacrest if it were a real option. Hahaaaa, just kidding! Kind of.

But dudes. This week. Harry Connick Jr. was the mentor. Those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile might remember that Harry and I have a pretty serious relationship going on.So yeah, I was all clappy and jumpy when I found out he was going to be on American Idol. We watched both episodes last night on the dvr so that we din't have to sit through the commercials and Kara's annoying ass comments.

I was all a-quiver with excitement. I made it through Tuesday night's episode with only a couple outbursts of undying love for my Harry. But then we watched Wednesday night's episode. Harry sang and for some reason my thighs just would not stay together. *shrug*

Me: *sigh* Oh Harry, you gorgeous gorgeous man.
Captain: *eye roll*
Me: *ecstatic shiver*
Captain: You okay over there?
Me: Ohhhh yeah.
Captain: Hey...
Me: Shhhh, just wait a couple minutes. *turns volume up*
Captain: You know...
Me: *turns volume up more*
Captain: *yelling* Maybe you should go get your vibrator!
Me: *pointed stare* Not necessary.

Seriously, people. The man's voice is clit-tastic. He's the clit's meow. He's a member of the clitorazzi. Totally vulvular. Vag-errific. Deserving of a standing ovary-ation.

Okay I'm done.

Your Mom Is A Machigenga

Captain Carl and I are watching Mark & Olly: Living With the Machigenga on the travel channel tonight. The Captain loves it. Basically, these two English dudes go live with an ancient tribe in Peru. It's pretty serious and very interesting if you are smart and mature. It's boring as hell if you are me. Except for the baby monkey. That little son of a bitch is cute as fuck but I know they are going to eat him and so I only watch it out of one eye because yes, I'm all for learning about other cultures, but watching a sweet little monkey get eaten by jungle people is where I draw the line.

So on the show, the white dudes get in trouble when they bring deer meat to the tribe and apparently that is a big no-no because now there is an evil deer spirit hanging around and the Machigenga don't play when it comes to evil spirits, yo. The Captain starts talking to me about how this is so interesting because most religions are fear based, no matter where in the world they are practiced. And I'm all nodding my head and acting like I'm thinking about how profound his commentary is and I'm totally pulling it off while still looking cute in my librarian glasses. Yes my dear, you are so right and I think this says a lot about our own religious beliefs and if only we could all open our minds just a little bit, we would see that we're similar in so many ways. Nod nod nod, looook thoughtful aaannnd push glasses up on nose in totally adorable manner.

But then the Captain dropped a piece of chocolate on the floor and when he bent over to pick it up, he farted. And I started giggling because hello! accidental farts are hilarious. That's a universe truth no matter where you live. You should look it up on Wikipedia if you don't believe me because it's totally gonna be there.

So Captain Carl is trying to get his culture on and be all serious about learning while I'm sitting next to him laughing uncontrollably and that's pretty much when he remembered who he was married to and stopped talking to me.

So now I'm gonna watch Xanadu on the laptop while he finishes his important smarty-pants-I-know-about-obscure-cultures tv show.

Vomit.

The title of my post of course is referring to American Idol tonight. Suckfest, 2009.

Holy crap on a cracker, Casey Carlson. No one....NO ONE...touches The Police. And oh lordy, the ankle boots and the Priscilla Presley hairstyle? Uff dah.

Lucky for her, she look like this:

Aren't us Minnesota girls sweet and wholesome? That picture ought to keep her in the competition a little longer.


Okay, what about Jackie Tohn aka big sneakers girl?


Did y'all see her interview before her performance? Hey Jackie, Claire Huxtable called...she wants her shoulder pads back. Also, Olivia Newton-John called....she wants her Grease pants back. But the most tragic part of her performance was...well, her performance. I did not enjoy watching her flop around the stage while screaming the lyrics. Bleh.

Tatiana Del Toro...oh the horror that is this girl.

I HAAAATE that she can sing. And she did well tonight...on a Whitney song, to boot. Damn it. Double damn it!! The girl is about as annoying as a bleeding hangnail.

Gotta run...Captain Carl is ready for bed and he told me to wrap this blogging shit up or I'll be getting the pimp hand.

American Idol.....Paula and Kara Showdown

Are y'all watching American Idol? We are, mainly because Captain Carl insists on watching every episode. Seriously girlfriend, don't EVEN be trying to turn the channel or God forbid talk to him while his AI is on. American Idol is his soap opera. This man will tease me to no end for watching Young and the Restless (best. soap. ever.) when I'm home sick from work. He finds it endlessly humorous when my Mom calls to give me the update on what Nick and Sharon are up to in Genoa City. This is why I have to make fun of his love for all things American Idol. On my public blog. You'd think typing that last sentence would make me stop and reconsider publishing this post. Wrong.

This is Nick and Sharon, by the way.

I hate Sharon, she's a total bitch disguised as a nice person. Those are the worst kind of bitches.

Now, I have to say that I do enjoy the American Idol very much. My favorite part is when they finally get to the main stage and the real competition begins. I do enjoy the first couple episodes too, where they show all the whack jobs and train wrecks. But that gets old to me and I get bored. Captain Carl can't get enough of that shit. He always hates to see the end of the freak show...

So...since I'm going to see every single episode again this year, I thought I'd do a little AI discussion once a week. Or once a month. Or only this one time. Whatever I feel like, basically.

Let's just get this one out of the way.

Blech. So disappointed that this hoochie could carry a tune. I did enjoy seeing that awkward kiss she gave Ryan. Poor little gay guy, didn't know what to do with her.

Moving on.......to this sad sad sad audition.

Dude.....no. Seriously....noooooo. No to the headband, no to the pleather pants, no to singing Bon Jovi. Just no.

This one will get annoying very quickly.

P.S. Carrie Underwood called. She wants her audition outfit back.

I don't know what scared me most about this guy....

...the two "cheerleaders" who were so weirdly different from each other, the fact that the judges put up with their stupid bullshit, or the awful awful faces the dude made while he was singing.

A word to all you future American Idol contestants....as Captain Carl says, gimmicks don't work. No one who has brought props, extra people or stupid outfits (unless they are bikinis, apparently) makes it through.

And finally....a little tete a tete between Paula and Kara.

Kara: Ha ha ahaa, oh Paula! You're so cute....in the way that kittens about to be thrown in a bag and drowned in the river and have their jobs stolen by kittens without prescription drug addictions are cute.

Paula: Listen girly, you are just a younger, more sober version of me. You could never replace me. I'm a national treasure, dammit. Hey, rabbits in the dryer on the 19th floor zoomly over the rainbow....

Kara: Uh, right... Anyway, during auditions I've been giving Randy a good view of my bongos...if you know what I mean. And now that I know Simon likes bikinis, I'll be wearing one tomorrow. Good luck keeping your job after that.

Paula: You know what? It is what it is. I have more talent in my whole body than you have in your little pinky. Wait, reverse that. My pinky has more talent than my whole body. Bongos are fun.

Kara: Did I mention I'm a songwriter? Cause I am. I am totally a songwriter. A songwriter that has worked with Celine Dion. SONGWRITER.

Paula: Sleeb this is a probem, in dis are told Simon knows in the way and going to Randy for the pitchy part.

Kara: This will be easier than I thought....