Finally, Peeing My Pants Has Paid Off

Someone is filming a movie right outside the building I work in. I’m not really sure why here and I’m only partially sure what it’s about. A coming of age story about a little boy who find mischief and fun in his neighborhood blah blah blah Mr. Wilson blah blah blah rip off blah blah blah Dennis the Menace. Something like that.

But that’s not the important part. The important part is that I. AM. ABOUT. TO. BE. FAMOUS. The director has put out a casting call in my building for extras. Which means you are about to see me on the big screen. Or the tv screen. Or ummmm, online. I’m not really sure how big this movie is going to be. Today the director is walking around in the parking lot pointing at businesses and gesturing wildly with a crowd of 15 people and they’re all wearing sunglasses which kind of seems Hollywood-ish, but only one of them is hot and young and the rest are basically boring and kind of overweight and older so maybe this is only going to be a made for tv movie. But who cares because I am all over this shit.

So I went to the production website and it’s all “We will need 300-400 extras for a July 4th celebration scene” and “if interested, please send your name, age, email and general availability”. I worked all night on my resume. I mean, it doesn’t specifically ask for a resume but I figure it’s implied for those with previous acting experience such as myself. So I was all *type type type* and Captain Carl was all “Whatcha doing?” and I was all “Writing my acting resume” and he was all “Gah?” and I was all “For the movie they are filming by my office” and he was all “You’ve never been in a movie” and I was all “I have plenty of acting experience” and he was all “What role are you trying out for?” and I was all “An extra” and he was all “You have to audition to be an extra?” and I was all “Probably. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter because once they see my resume? Blam!” and he was all “Blam?” and I was all “Blam! Front of the crowd extra”.

I think you'll all agree that I'm a shoe in....


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Resume for Miss Yvonne – Actress Not Appreciated In Her Own Time

1977 – Peter Rabbit
Martin Luther Elementary School
Played role of Mother Rabbit in Mrs. Vandervolt’s morning kindergarten class production.
Noteworthy – Managed to completed both lines of dialogue despite having a crush on boy playing Peter Rabbit and peeing pants minutes before the curtain rose.

1986 – America The Prosperous
Roosevelt Middle School
Co-starring role in video on American Capitalism for Mr. Benson’s 6th grade economics lesson.
Noteworthy – Let Nathan Johnson grab boob under costume without anyone noticing.

1991 – Pop Singers
Buffalo Gap High School
Co-starring role in year long production of 50’s and 60’s inspired song and dance routines.
Noteworthy – Totally rocked mall bangs and a spiral perm. Managed to make a tuxedo shirt and ankle length skirt look sexy while pretend surfing to a Beach Boy’s song.

1992 – Santa Lucia Festival
First Lutheran Church
Starring role of Santa Lucia in Christmas pageant.
Noteworthy – Wore a crown of burning candles on head. For reals.

Special skills:
Can kind of play the piano.
Know sweet dance moves such as the Roger Rabbit and the Sprinkler.
Good at reciting hip slang phrases, such as "Oh no you didn't!", "You go girl!" and "Bitch please".
Went to a taping of Charles in Charge once. Waved at Willie Aames. Pretty sure he saw me.
In possession of a blonde 70’s afro wig. Willing to wear it whenever.
Can do that cool Bollywood dancing hand move thingy.
Giant man hands. See above.
Can recite any line from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure upon command.
Strong background in character acting. See below for examples of my work:

Pirate

Drunk Pirate

Fin.

See you on the big/small screen, bitches.

The Lost Art Of Passing Notes

My son spends the majority of his free time texting his girlfriend, Bunny. I know this because I pay the bill and am astounded every month at how much time he seems to have for this endeavor. Last night we were eating dinner when apparently a super important text came in from Bunny that he had to answer immediately.

Me: When I was in high school, passing notes was our texting.
Kiddo: *type type type*
Captain Carl: Yep, no cell phones.
Kiddo: I know. Because you were teenagers way back in the 80's.
Me: I was also a teenager in the 90's. Unlike your father.
Captain Carl: Yeah, the early 90's.
Me: Still. You're old, dude.
Captain Carl: You graduated in 1992.
Me: Exactly. Rock on. *righteous head bob*
Kiddo: What?
Captain Carl: Don't ask.
Me: My boyfriend and I passed notes every day.
Kiddo: In class?
Me: Sometimes, although mostly we'd just pass them to each other in the hallway between classes.
Captain Carl: Me too. Except I never wrote notes, just got them from all the babes.
Me: Yeah, all those hot 80's babes that are now almost 40.
Captain Carl: In my mind, they're still 17. *closes eyes* Ohhhh yeah. *bites lip*
Kiddo: Gross.
Me: You want to see what your dad's teenage years were like? Watch a Whitesnake video.
Captain Carl: You want to see what your stepmom's teenage years were like? Watch a Debbie Gibson video.
Me: Except with more sex and drinking on country roads.
Captain Carl: So yeah...passing notes.
Kiddo: It must have taken forever for you to tell each other anything that way.
Captain Carl: Oh yeah, it was practically the dark ages.
Me: But it was romantic. Not all mechanical and short like texting is now.
Kiddo: I'm romantic in texts. Here, I'll do it right now...

"Ur hot, I like ur butt w/ all my heart"

Me: That's your idea of romantic?
Kiddo: Meh, it works.
Captain Carl: He's got a point.
Kiddo: See? *shows his return text from Bunny*

"Awww!"

Me: Whatever. Can you believe I kept all the notes my boyfriend passed me? They are so cute and sweet.
Kiddo: Let's read them!
Me: Maybe some day.
Captain Carl: Let's do it now!
Me: Really?
Kiddo: Hells yeah!
Me: Well, okay...

And, of course, this was the first note I opened...




My very own early 90's version of sexting. So romantic.