Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I Didn't See Anything About This Shit In My Parenting Handbook

The Scene: It's 8pm on Saturday night. We just got back from dinner out with our lovely son and his lovely girlfriend. Let's call her Bunny. Captain Carl is watching tv with Renty, the Kiddo and Bunny are upstairs in the media room and I'm in my bathroom tinkling delicately in my (of course) super clean water closet. That's what we fancy folks call a toilet, y'all.

*thump* *thump* *thump*

Hmmmm, what is that?

*thump* *thump* *thump*

Is that the wind?

*thump* *thump* *thump* *thump*

It can't be the wind. It's completely still outside.

*thump* *thump* *thump* *thump* *squeak*

Huh. The Kiddo's room is right above me, but they're on the other side of the house right now.

*thump* *thump* *squeak* *squeak* *thump*

Wait. No way...

*thump* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *thump* *thump* *thump*

Ohmygod. It can't be. He wouldn't dare in my house while we're downstairs....

*thump thump thump thump thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump*


*me stomping out into the living room*

Me: Have you checked on your son lately?
Captain Carl: Nope.
Me: I suggest that you do. Right now.
Captain Carl: It's your turn. I always check on him when Bunny is over here.
Me: You don't understand. You need to go upstairs and check. on. him. right. now.
Captain Carl: I always do it, you go.
Me: Fine!

*me running up the stairs*

Media room? Empty.
The Kiddo's room? Door closed.

*me knocking on the door with my fist*

Kiddo: Ummm, what?
Me: You know what! Open the hell up!!

*10 second pause before door opens*

Kiddo: *rumpled and guilty looking* What's up?
Me: *breathing heavily* I heard you.
Kiddo: *stare*
Me: I heard you. In my bathroom.
Kiddo: Sorry.
Me: *shaky finger point* No you're not! You're just sorry you got caught!
Bunny: *staring mortified at the ceiling from her prone position on my son's bed*
Me: *manic crazy face* You know the rules!! You are to never...NEVER!!! do that in my house! You are to keep your bedroom door open AT ALL TIMES when Bunny is here and you WILL NOT do anything involving the words BOOB, BUTT, VAGINA, PENIS, BALLS, SEX, MOUTHS OR HOLES while you are under our roof!
Kiddo: *terrified stare* I know.
Me: *eyes bulging* You know??? YOU KNOW??? *more shaky finger pointing* If you know, then explain to me why I could hear YOUR BED BANGING AGAINST THE WALL while I was peeing!! Huh?? Can you explain please??? CAN YOU????
Kiddo: No.
Me: You forgot that I can hear everything, didn't you???
Kiddo: Yes.
Me: When I told you I can hear everything, I meant that I can hear EVERYTHING. I can hear when you are up here playing video games at 2am on a school night. I can hear when you are watching porn on your computer. Oh yes, I certainly can. I can even hear when you are texting people. I'm like a goddamn bat with my freaky supersonic hearing. So I can definitely hear when you are SCREWING YOUR GIRLFRIEND AT 8PM ON A SATURDAY!
Kiddo: Yes ma'am.
Me: *shaky breath* Okay. *slams door wide open against the wall* Open. Forever. *points at Bunny* You. Go home. Now.
Kiddo: Yes ma'am.
Bunny: *crying in a ball on the bed*

*me walking downstairs*

Captain Carl: What happened?
Me: Oh not much. Just heard your son having wild monkey sex with his girlfriend while I was peeing. You know, the usual.
Captain Carl: Really??
Me: Oh yeah.
Captain Carl: The little shit.
Me: Oh yeah.
Captain Carl: You okay? You look a little upset and ummmm, Parkinson's-ish??
Me: *looks at shaking hands* I need a drink.

The End.

P.S. Now y'all know why I haven't been blogging or commenting much. You know, on account of all the time I have to spend keeping my son from humping every moment of the day.


erin said...

Ick. I can't even imagine having a dirty horny teenager. And in the next decade I'll have four of them.

Marie said...

If I had been bunny I would have shat my pants. You would never have to worry about your horny teenager as he would always remember the girl that shat his bed and would choose to do it somewhere else.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Holy hell. You handled it well. I bet he doesn't ever do it again(at least not his squeaky bed).

Anonymous said...

First, I thanked JennyMac for the birth control this week.

AND now I thank you.

I will be calling my Dr. and getting a THIRD prescription of BC pills JUST to BE SURE that NO BABIES happen over at the garage.

P.S. You handled that perfectly!!!!

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tristachio said...

You know who you remind me of? My dog. Whenever The Pilot is over and we get all kissy kissy or other more extreme variations of that my Dog throws on a cape and a chastity belt and starts handing out paw slaps like they are going out of style.

I'm pretty sure he only acts like the prude police because he wants to get down and freaky with The Pilot himself but still I'd say you two have something in common.

Cockblockers, that's what you are.

ps: Teenagers should all be taught that if they think of sex their dicks will fall off and then catch on fire and die.

Megs said...

Um, wow. Go, you.

I am pretty sure if I was Bunny I would be too mortified to ever step foot in your house ever again. So that would take care of having to worry about the sex in your house issue.

Brans~Muffin said...

I feel bad for Bunny! You single-han~did~ly ruined her first sexual experience! She left crying! Poor Bunny! I bet its a long long long time before you see Bunny again!

I probably would have gone Blind from having a stroke!
Good Job Mom!

Tony said...

Aw, poor Kiddo. Hope he used a rubber!

Actually, poor Ms. Yvonne! Yikes.

I remember there was a time when the girl's mom walked in on us. At least you knocked, because that lady saw a lot of me. Kudos for knocking!

Anonymous said...

oh god, no wonder you were shaking, with FURY! i remember how hard it was to find places to hook up in highschool, but thats what empty parks, the gym after school, the backseats of cars, and the vacant lot down the block were for.

ummm, that list is not very classy. but the WORST place is at home when your parents are there. no, just NO. hopefully the embarassment and shame you heaped on them will prevent it from happening again.

i would fear your bat ears.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Oh dear. I can hardly wait for that crap to happen at my house...

Dirty Dirty Jesus said...


kate said...

Oh, NOOOOOOOOO. I would've curled up on the floor and died if my boyfriend's mother had ever caught me doing dirty things in her house. Of course, I was a too much of a pansy to a) have sex in high school or b) touch boy parts while parents were anywhere within a 50 mile radius...

Have a drink (or five). That is crazy.

Chris said...

This is why kids should always do it on the floor in the basement. Or was that not the point of the story?

Vic said...

That's it. The minute my son turns twelve I am running away. He has liked girls since he was two.

I am in awe of you. In a good way.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I was laughing so hard I feel off my bed...I loved this! I actually peed while laughing so hard!....wait! I have a 5 year old son...hell no! Ok...thats not so funny anymore...sigh!

Anonymous said...

Aw come on mommy. He'll just do it someplace else anyway, might as well be where you can keep an eye on him (as it were) rather than have a cop bring him home for copulating in the park or a church or something.

Although, maybe you're right. After that loud lecture he'll probably never get a boner again so you should be golden. :)

Check me out, being all liberal and stuff, since I don't have kids. Ha!

Cap'n Crunchy said...

Seriously? Having sex while your parents are in the house? Squicky. You did handle it 10000 times better than mine would have. Good luck.

Houston said...

OK first off to Marie, a girlfried dropping a zag in the bed wouldn't stop a horny teenage boy.

Don't ask me how I know.

Second, Since the Kiddo said THE WIFE being a drummer was hot, keep him away from her.

I'm watching you!



Cassie said...

In 15 years, I expect you to come to my house and keep an eye on my son. K?

The good thing is that the girl will probably be scared to ever have sex with him (or anyone else) again.

Logical Libby said...

Got to RIGHT NOW. You will feel better. You are not alone.

miss. chief said...


Dr.Claw has a couple boys, I think we're going to have to implement the no vagina penis mouth rules in a few years. EWW

When I imagine kids getting sexytime I get so mad, like when a dog humps my leg

Sarah said...

Oh my God. Oh my God.

This is fabulous. Oh, the things you got to say to him, the fear you put into the girlfriend ... *sigh* it all makes me look forward to having teenagers.

And THEN you got to drink! Totally wish I could have been you that night.

No excuse for no posts, though. MORE MISS YVONNE.

Curiosity said...

Ack! Next time I wouldn't even speak to him about it. I would just drag my man upstairs and have a huge moaning orgy in the hallway.

...Okay, in truth I would stare blankly at the door like a hypnotic squirrel, too mortified to go in and too insecure to be totally sure that I was hearing what I thought I was hearing. But the orgy sounds a lot more interesting.

DevilsHeaven said...

I love the "yes ma'am" means they knew you meant business.
Did you call Bunny's parents so they would know too???????

____j said...

If I were Bunny, I probably would have just broken up with the boy after this scenario, because I'd be too embarrassed to EVER see his parents again....ever.

As funny as this was, I'm sorry you had to deal with it. Andddd I'm wondering how Captain Carl would have handled it if he would have gotten up to check on the kiddo when you told him to. HA

Just.Kate said...

*SIGH* I can't believe

A) I was a dirty horny teenager

B) I'm going to be the mother of a dirty horny teenager


C) your son had the audacity (I was going to say "balls", but that beckons forth a mental image I am rejecting for both our sakes)to hump in your house.

Oh, and poor Bunny.

...You should totally call her parents. *snicker*

And get her on birth control. (I'm pointing at my own surprise offspring with my eyebrows)

Ed said...

My eleven year old got sent to the principles office for telling a girl in class that her butt was shaped like a heart and he liked it.

These damn kids and their hormones nowadays.

Wow, that was awkward said...

You totally cock blocked. That's not cool man! Oh wait, yer the mom.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh. My. Friggin. Gawd! That is hysterical.

I wish I could hear the conversation the kids had after you left the room. Ha!!!!!

Twisted Susan said...

Thank you Miss Yvonne for giving me a text to follow when it's my turn.
I like a mom with balls.

Katiekinz said...

Seriously? I must be a failure of a teenager because I really thought that kinda stuff only happened in Porkey's and American Pie...

Char said...

Wow, did you ever handle that! Of
course, they have now been scarred for all their remaining sex lives.
Now, don't you feel bad?


mossum said...

When my first was at raging hormone stage, I had The Talk with him and ended with, "The thing is, honey, because we've had this conversation today, whenever you think about doing a girl, you'll think about me." That stopped him from getting boners anywhere within a mile of home. Heh.

Hmm...I wonder if that's why his wife still hates me...

Green-Eyed Momster said...

You can hear the same thing at the place where I get my tattoos when the music stops.



jessica o said...

I'm laughing really hard to keep from crying. I have four girls to push through adolescence. If they can all make it through college without getting knocked up or going to jail, I will be one happy beyotch.

But, I LOVE your style, Miss Yvonne. Kick some ass!

Kelly said...

Wow, all I can say, is at least I didn't catch my daughter and the boyfriend doing it. At least I just found the um, proof. I would have flipped clear the hell out if I would have seen and or heard them. We have the open door policy as well, but it doesn't make much of a difference if you aren't home...

Moooooog35 said...

Do you have Bunny's number by chance?

No reason.

Chelle said...

*lalalalalalala* I have 4 kids *lalallaalalalala*

IslandBlue said...

I can totally identify with the shaking fury. My son was TWELVE when he started sneaking out at night and sneaking into his 13-yeal GF's room. The day I caught him was EPIC. I made my husband come home from work I was so ticked.

So yeah, at least you didn't have to experience this that soon!


Fragrant Liar said...

Totally impressed by your Just Say No to the Ho skillz.

I think it would be a nice way to make up by inviting your entire family over to Bunny's to meet the parents. Let the kiddos worry the whole night about whether or not you'll tell her parents while filling the airspace with innuendo. Just watching them squirm would be sweet.

Little Ms Blogger said...

Like you think they won't do it while you're at work? Actually, they probably won't since you scared the shit of Bunny. Poor girl. Back to cars.

I guess you didn't want to be the hippest grandma in Texas. Too bad. You probably could have had a reality tv show.

Zoe Right said...

Stop, just stop fingers in my ears- La,la, la, la I can't hear you. I can't hear you. Teens don't really have sex right? They stay virgins till the leave home, right?

NO Santa, there's no Santa.


Vel said...

You know, if you start drinking the *moment* Bunny shows up the shakes don't kick So you can totally be pissed off without actually looking all Parkinsons-ish.

Just a thought.

just making my way said...

GAH!! This post made me afraid. Very afraid. For my future with a teenage boy, not afraid of you (just to be clear.)

Very well handled on your end - I especially love the "goddamn bat" hearing part. You rock.

HappyHourSue said...

LOL You're just like me: I'm 10x angrier at the fact that they thought I was too stupid to know. The actual offense is secondary.:D

Lulu said...

Great job, You-the MAMA! - and you haven't scarred them for life, just acted like a mom and kicked ass. Good for you -

Kim said...

Ew. Hope you didn't have to wash the sheets.

Toe said...

Whatever you do don't look under the bed. When we moved my crazy teen brother out we revamped his room for a guest room and ::Shivers:: the things we found under the bed. Condoms, old food, Cigarette butts, dishes, etc.

Prosy said...

i wasn't even allowed to have my boyfriend upstairs with me. Hence we hung out at his house all the time. Luckily his parents were never there, so we never got caught.

linlah said...

Because those days are behind me I'm laughing with you and not at you.

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I did it! I read your entire post since you started. YAYYYYY

Dork-party of one your table is now available.

But then again I think your awesome so following you makes me cool by association...or something like that...
Thank you for this post- now I have something to look forward when our eldest comes home in July *SIGH*

Jesus. said...

Um, wow. Sorry Bunny. Good luck ever going to a boy's house again.

Tgoette said...

So when someone asks your son "what was the exact moment that you decided to become "celibate for the rest of your life", he can now pinpoint the exact moment because it is published on your blog. LOL! Very well done!

Claire said...

Oh no... no.. No.. How have I been missing blog posts, especially on this magnitude?
This is awful news. I have boys too... this is bad news...

Nej said...

I was curled in a ball in fear just reading this. :-)

My mom or dad, quite possibly, would be in jail still to this day had they heard that going on in my bedroom.

Reason # 5,628,492 that I'm not, and never will be, a parent. :-)

Mae said...

Oh. Oh! This is my nightmare come true. And my child is nowhere near that age. However, halfway through (far before you said you neeeded a drink) I was thinking 'she needs a drink'. Wow. All I have to say is wow. Bless you for your tremor laden control, for sure!

Crystal said...

OMGosh I was laughing so hard I thought I might pee. But seriously I have 4 little boys...and that's my worst nightmare!!! Ahhh- that damn testosterone!!!

Helena said...

LOL! NOT BAD! way to go, mum! I cannot get over how funny this is. As a 17-year-old myself, i'm entitled to say teenagers fucking SUCK. If he had the balls to fuck Bunny, meters away from you and CC, he totally got what her deserved!