This week, the one and only member of Captain Carl's family who knows about my blog, his aunt, is staying with us. I asked her what she wanted me to call her here since I don't use real names and she suggested "Sweetbritches" and then was all "hahaaa, I'm just kidding!" but I know she's totally not. I decided to call her "Crystal Gripper" instead on account of her being all liberal and pro-health care bill and blah blah blah Obama blah blah blah new age blah blah blah yoga. And because that's what Captain Carl calls her already. I'll refer to her as CG for streamlining aka lazy purposes.
Anyway, so while she's been here the Captain has gone crazy with the cooking. First it was shrimp nachos. Then it was burgers and fries. Tonight it was chicken fried steak. I mean, seriously people. I'm in fat people food heaven up in here.
Unfortunately, tomorrow night is curry night. Blech. I hate curry. So does the Kiddo. But the Captain loves his Indian food and will make it anytime someone is here who will eat it without holding their nose and making gagging noises.
Me: (to CG) I love when you come to visit. We never eat like this normally.
The Captain: And you enjoy her company...
Me: Yeah, that too.
CG: You are so sweet.
Me: *shrug* It's a gift.
The Captain: *rubbing hands together* Who's ready for curry tomorrow night???
CG: You don't like Indian?
The Captain: She hates the smell.
Me: It stays in the house for days!
The Captain: Quit yer bitchin', woman.
Me: Screw you.
The Captain: It smells good.
Me: Yeah, if you like the smell of dog diarrhea.
The Captain: You are so close minded.
Me: Am not!
The Captain: Are too.
Me: Your mom!
The Captain: If you hate it so much, why did you buy me that curry cookbook for my birthday this year?
Me: It's because I love you, asshole!
CG: You guys are adorable.
The Captain: Yeah, our love is the stuff hallmark cards are made of.
CG: It's more like a Lifetime movie.
Me: You mean the one where a dingo stole your mom's baby?
The Captain: Nice.
Me: Thank you.
The Captain: Up top, baby.
Lifetime ain't got nothin' on us.
On Becoming My Grandmother
5 weeks ago