Friday, April 2, 2010

It's Because I Love You, Asshole

This week, the one and only member of Captain Carl's family who knows about my blog, his aunt, is staying with us. I asked her what she wanted me to call her here since I don't use real names and she suggested "Sweetbritches" and then was all "hahaaa, I'm just kidding!" but I know she's totally not. I decided to call her "Crystal Gripper" instead on account of her being all liberal and pro-health care bill and blah blah blah Obama blah blah blah new age blah blah blah yoga. And because that's what Captain Carl calls her already. I'll refer to her as CG for streamlining aka lazy purposes.

Anyway, so while she's been here the Captain has gone crazy with the cooking. First it was shrimp nachos. Then it was burgers and fries. Tonight it was chicken fried steak. I mean, seriously people. I'm in fat people food heaven up in here.

Unfortunately, tomorrow night is curry night. Blech. I hate curry. So does the Kiddo. But the Captain loves his Indian food and will make it anytime someone is here who will eat it without holding their nose and making gagging noises.

Me: (to CG) I love when you come to visit. We never eat like this normally.
The Captain: And you enjoy her company...
Me: Yeah, that too.
CG: You are so sweet.
Me: *shrug* It's a gift.
The Captain: *rubbing hands together* Who's ready for curry tomorrow night???
Me: Gross.
CG: You don't like Indian?
The Captain: She hates the smell.
Me: It stays in the house for days!
The Captain: Quit yer bitchin', woman.
Me: Screw you.
The Captain: It smells good.
Me: Yeah, if you like the smell of dog diarrhea.
The Captain: You are so close minded.
Me: Am not!
The Captain: Are too.
Me: Your mom!
The Captain: If you hate it so much, why did you buy me that curry cookbook for my birthday this year?
Me: It's because I love you, asshole!
CG: You guys are adorable.
The Captain: Yeah, our love is the stuff hallmark cards are made of.
CG: It's more like a Lifetime movie.
Me: You mean the one where a dingo stole your mom's baby?
The Captain: Nice.
Me: Thank you.
The Captain: Up top, baby.
Me: Holla!

Lifetime ain't got nothin' on us.


kate said...

I'm sure there was more to this blog post, but I really can't get past "shrimp nachos". Seriously? Whaa..?? Why?

Tony said...

I used to hate curry, and it was because of the smell. But once you get past it, it's actually pretty tasty. And shrimp nachos?! That...ew...I don't know...I just have this image of shrimp drowning in cheese. Maybe it's better than it sounds, but yikes!

Ed said...

Indian food makes me talk funny. Last time I ate it, someone asked me if I worked for Dell customer service.

Mama Wheaton said...

Sounds like a conversation in my house, we are not exactly the lovey dovey type but we get the point across!

Tracey said...

You guys rock! I hope you enjoy CG's visit!


Sarah said...

The world is so weird. Two references to krakens today before 9 a.m. Now, the dingo reference. I just found out yesterday that is a true story. A dingo really did eat those poor people's baby.

Soooo ... if we ever meet in real life in like an airport or something and you decide to tell a story about me, probably about me having an ass that just won't quit and a brilliant mind, I want you to refer to me on your blog as Lady Bringdown.

Because that's what I did. Your humor blog now has a depressing, disturbing comment about wild dogs carrying off 9-week-old babies named Azaria.

Dirty Dirty Jesus said...

I used to like Indian food. Then I went to India. I saw people with flies on their eye gunk selling meat on sticks to people who didn't care if their assholes exploded. I saw people lapping water out of a steam 2' downriver from people shitting in it. I saw men whipping out their penises everywhere and then eating with their hands. Now I hate Indian food.

Anonymous said...

You really SHOULD ask Lifetime to make a movie of your love. Now THAT I would watch....

P.S. NOT a curry fan either. Nan bread. Yes. Curry. No.

Just.Kate said...


P.S. I love curry like I love your mom.

miss. chief said...

like Kate, the shrimp nachos are creeping me out. I don't get it. Like full shrimps on ... nachos? How does that even sound good?

Brans~Muffin said...

lmao! Awesome!

Twisted Susan said...

Are the shrimp nachos a joke?

Tgoette said...

Curry smelling like dog diarrhea? Wow, that's a visual that's going to haunt me for awhile. LOL! I think I will stick with the shrimp nachos. Awesome post! LOL!

BugginWord said...

Wouldn't it be awesome if your Lifetime movie was so steamy that the lead actors actually had an affair and then left their respective spouses and spent weeks being photographed on some exotic beach frolicking in the sand and surf?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Curry I can do-- Shrimp tacos, I'm not so sure-- but i'll take your word for it.

Have a fun rest of the visit with CD.

Happy weekend,

just making my way said...

Curry. Blech.

I would totally watch a Miss Yvonne/Captain Carl love story on Lifetime. Especially if there were dingos involved.

Moooooog35 said...

Curry: Because why WOULDN'T you want your house to smell like the rot and decay of the streets of Bangalore?

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I'm with CG: you guys are adorable. Can the Captain come show the Hubs how to cook?
And I don't care WHAT it is!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I have to admit I pretty much love curry. But what the hell are shrimp nachos? And do I really want to know??

jessica o said...

I love curry, but I can never make the taste match the smell. Can I have Captain Carl's recipe? I prefer yellow. Ah fuck it. I live in the same city. Just have me over for dinner, then it can smell up your house, not mine. ;)

I'll take shrimp nachos, too. They're the shiz.

Nej said...

Shrimp nachos? Hmmm....sounds like the same line of "wrongness" as fish tacos. :-)

Once, in the company of my MIL, Mot (my hubby) told me he hated me. I stuck out my tongue and told him I hated him more.

I thought his mom was going to have a coronary. "No you don't...take it back...both of you!"

She just doesn't get our love. :-)

Awesome post!

Ipshita said...

I just read the comments on the blog, and they made me laugh as much as the post did. I'm Indian, and our food actually tastes quite different from curry. Mostly. :)