Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Roof! The Roof! The Roof Is Literally On Fire!

The closer the Kiddo gets to graduating from high school, the more he makes amazingly stupid choices. Remember the whole humping-in-my-house-while-I’m-downstairs thing? Turns out that incident was just a prelude to a higher level of idiocy. He almost burnt my house down, y’all. I found out about it at dinner last night.

The Kiddo: You know, I’m a really quick thinker.
Me: Oh really?
The Kiddo: Yeah. You’re so lucky that I am.
Me: How’s that?
The Kiddo: Well, yesterday I was in the bathroom burning out my lighter and…
Me: Wait. You were what?
The Kiddo: Burning out my lighter. You know, I was flicking it over and over to burn out the fluid so I could throw it away.
Me: Why do you have a lighter?
The Kiddo: I bought it when I got my cigars on my birthday.
Me: And you were playing with it in the bathroom?
The Kiddo: Not playing with it. Burning it out. For safety.
Me: *blink*
The Kiddo: So I threw it in the trash and got in the shower and then I smelled smoke so I looked out and the garbage can was on fire.
Me: Ohmygod.
The Kiddo: I just grabbed it and put it in the shower with me. So like I said…*taps head* ...quick thinker.
Me: Let me get this straight. You started a fire in my house because you were being safe?
The Kiddo: Yep.
Me: You could have burned the house down!
The Kiddo: Nah. I was on top of it, it’s all good.
Me: No. No, it is not all good.
The Kiddo: Are you okay? You’re face is all splotchy.
Me: No fire in my house. Ever. Do you understand?
The Kiddo: Yeah okay.
Me: Look at me, son. No fire. No lighters. No matches. No incense. No flame throwers. Nothing with a spark or flame or heat of any kind.
The Kiddo: Okay!
Me: What is it with you and fire?
The Kiddo: I don’t know. *shrug* It’s all cool and hot and stuff.


Only four more months until college. I'm starting a countdown.


Tony said...

What is it with teen boys and their affinity with fire? I was the same way. I actually set my mom's carpet on fire, which sounds dirty, but it's not.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Yeah. Cuz college students are smart. They keep a "bowl" of water close by when they use fire.

And I love the way you say y'all.

Anonymous said...

Yeah...when I was small my brother, who is one year younger than me mix'd kerosene+gas and threw it in the wood stove at my parents cottage in the took him a whole month to grow his eyebrows and eyelashes back! I still have a vivid image of him smacking his face, with a horrified look on his face...the sulfur stench scared him!

mossum said...

Came home from a business trip once to find a large, dark patch on the floor of my shower. Asked the boys...??? Similar answer to what you got: "We wanted to make a bonfire with toilet paper so we did it in the shower to be safe."

I'm so proud.

We moms really have to keep a log of this stuff so when we're old and can get away with fake senility, we can go to their houses and pull some of this shit on them. I can't wait.

Megs said...

May God have mercy on your soul.

Although in fairness, I also once almost burned the house down at approximately his age. I don't think its just boys. I think its a teenager thing.

miss. chief said...

When I was around twelve, I used to burn random things in the basement (on the concrete floor, for safety of course) is totally cool and hot. I have to admit, I still fool around with burning sticks and things at bonfires.

She Said said...

So, he's going away to college in four months. Are you sure he's not going to come back home to live at some point? Um, I did. Twice.

Beta Dad said...

I DID set my house on fire when I was a teenager. I lit a cigarette (or something like that), shook out the match, tossed it into the trashcan in my room and went about my business. Twenty minutes later I smelled smoke as I watched CHiPs reruns in the basement. I called the fire dep't and in the meantime doused the flames with bowls of water. The flames were out when the firemen (one of whom lived across the street from me) arrived; but they still felt it necessary to chop up part of the wall to get to the smoldering studs. My parents came home to the ol' hook and ladder in front of the house.

The upside was that I got all new furniture in my room, including a full sized bed to replace the smoke damaged twin. It made humping my girlfriend much more comfortable.

My friend (now a very successful D.C. tech geek with a security clearance) burned his house to the ground when he went to college, much in the same way I almost did.

I hope this has helped assuage your anxiety.

Anonymous said...

I had NO idea you were supposed to use up all of the fluid by just lighting it over and over for no reason. I thought you were actually supposed to LIGHT things. You know, candles, etc.

I need to go empty lighters now.

Thanks for the tip. I'm going to go do it while I shower.

Moooooog35 said...

When we went on vacation in NYC last year, we visited the NYC Fire Museum.

At which point my 9 year old announces that she put my son's toy car in the microwave and it caught on fire and the fire alarms went off and my mother in law who was watching them had to put it out with rags and a fire extinguisher and THIS WAS THE FIRST WE'D EVER HEARD OF IT.

Sometimes..I just hate parenting SO much.

Jocelyn said...

AMEN SISTER!!! I have TWO boys graduating this year. The countdown is ON....LIKE DONKEY KONG!!! (at least prom is this weekend and i get to dress up my cute little monkeys)

Kurt said...

Is Genius Quick-Thinker University still accepting fall applications? My neighbor's dog can bark on command in three different languages! He's a perfect fit, sounds like.

Anonymous said...

He doesn't need a lighter! If he needs any heat in his bedroom he can just invite Bunny over!!

Ed said...

I see a career as a fireman in his future.

Or Arsonist.

It's 50/50 really.

Either way, skip paying for college.

Then you and Captain can get a new HOT TUB.


DevilsHeaven said...

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions. That's a plaque they need to sell at Hallmark.
When I was VERY young my mom would let me build fires on our dirt driveway as long as I was careful. Narey an incident. Today I am a master builder of fires, in my fireplace.

Sarah P said...

Dorm rooms are made for burning. You drop him off at college, and you're golden.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Why is it boys are so proud of themselves when they've been so stupid?

Smooth move exlax. Shoulda kept your mouth shut.

We knew better, I don't think my mother ever knew of all the things we burned in our basement as kids.

BTW, my little one is 2. Sounds like you're gonna have room for another mouth in a few months. Want one?

Houston said...

So how much will it cost you when he burns college down?

Chris said...

I only ever almost burned my house down twice growing up. On the plus side, it led (somewhat) directly to my pyro job in the 70's. And yes, I still think fire is cool. and hot. and stuff.

jessica o said...

I'm beginning to think I should let me kids smoke. You know, so I can teach them about fire safety.

Why are kids so dumb?

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

Yeah, my now 24 yr old nephew decided to burn a towel...just cause...granted he was 13/14. He almost got my sister that is.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

What's the protocol for extinguishing a butane fire? Aren't there rules for that? Like, beer before liquor, throw Zima on your butane fire? I don't know, I'm not good with safety tips.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Jees-sus! The long list of things that could have gone wrong are racing through my head. I am SOOOOOO glad it was okay..... but it did make for a very funny post.

Tgoette said...

Teen boys are always tempting fate with fire. It doesn't matter if they are lighting candles, incense, fireworks or just smoking, they keep our collective nerves on the edge! Good luck! LOL!

just making my way said...

I have that fire fascination thing. Except I enjoy them in locations like fireplaces. I'm so boring.

Nej said...

"It's all cool and hot and stuff."