Thank You, Creepy Blog Stalker Lady!

I got an email this morning from someone only going by "Mimi" who sent me a link to this awesome website. I don't know who you are Mimi, but I love you. I love you like Renty loves my cat...a little too much for "normal people" standards. Probably even a little bit more than that because you've never puked on my furniture. Yet.

I'm also a little bit afraid of you because of the line "you don't know me, but I read you" that you dropped at the end of your email. That's the kind of comment that leads up to emails that say "I loved your last blog, can you please send me a a couple pieces of your hair?" and "I told my mom about you and she thinks we are destined to be best friends. Then I cleaned the leaves off her tombstone and went home." and "LOL you are so awesome that I want to stab you in the face!". Mimi, please send me a heads up email if you decide to start hanging around outside my house with binoculars. Because I'll have to ask Becky to make room for your car. There's only so much space for parking in a cul de sac. Just sayin'.

The Best Nerdy Pirate Party Ever

Warning: This post is unnecessarily long. I mean, it's really long. And not all that interesting. But it is in honor of National Talk Like A Pirate Day and also in honor of me taking three days to write it and no way am I not posting something I wasted that much time on.

As I mentioned in an earlier post this week, the Captain and I were invited to a murder mystery party recently. I have never been to one, but I've always wanted to go. I liked to imagine that when I got the opportunity to attend one, it would be set in a grand old mansion and everyone would speak with an English accent and wear ball gowns and tuxedos and have masks. I have no idea why my murder mystery fantasy resembled a production of Phantom of the Opera. It just did, okay?

Several months ago, Captain Carl's brother, Mailman Mike, told me about a friend of his that throws a murder mystery party at least once a year. Let's call his friend Fiona...I have no idea why, just go with it. The Captain and I had met Fiona on a couple occasions and she seemed like a very nice lady. Weird, but nice. But then, most of Mike's friends are a little strange, on account of his Star Wars/Italian Snuff Films/Computer nerdiness. Add in Mike's girlfriend, let's call her Fairy, who is wild for comic books and alternate reality video games and you've got a recipe for...well...super dorks. Whenever we hang with Mike and Fairy, I spend most of the time looking back and forth between the three of them with a confused look on my face on account of me being too stupid to understand their jokes. Then I badger the Captain all the way home with questions like "Is she really that serious about a comic book?" and "What does GFFA stand for again?" and "Seriously, I don't see why it was so funny when I thought Mike meant God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit when he was talking about 'The Big Three'."

So anyway, I told Mike that I would love to come to the next murder mystery party. Imagine my excitement when I got an invitation in the mail a couple weeks ago from Fiona to that very thing! I was all jumpy and clappy and I couldn't RSVP fast enough. Another week goes by and we get a huge envelope in the mail from her. Inside are two sets of paper, bound with rubberbands with my name on one and the Captain's on the other. It was our character guide for the party. I shit you not, this thing was five pages long. Five! It listed all the characters who would be attending the party, as well as a couple pages about our characters. There was a whole page on costume suggestions. One of the words on mine was "corset". I pretty much decided right there that I would not be dressing up. First of all, I wore a corset once in my life and it was on my wedding day and it was really more like a girdle actually but I spent the whole not being able to sit down and breathe at the same time. Never again. Secondly, corsets are hot. It was August. In Texas. No, no, no and helllll no. Besides, Mike told me hardly anyone ever dresses up at her parties, so it was all good.

Here's the best part. This year's party was set on a pirate ship. Pirates, y'all! I'll admit, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a vampire theme, but I think pirates are a good consolation prize. Sadly, neither Captain Carl or I were pirate characters. Instead we were both "land lubbers". I have no idea what Fiona was thinking. Clearly, Captain Carl was born to be on a pirate ship. Hello?? CAPTAIN Carl??

So on the night of the party, the Captain throws together a costume out of some of his old clothes. He was going for what he envisioned a tavern owner in pirate days would wear, but to me he kind of looked like a deranged pilgrim. As for me? I put on an old pair of gauchos and a pirate-ish shirt (my character was kidnapped by the captain...so I figured I would probably be disguised as a deckhand or something. Oh shut up, I don't know!) and off we went.

Holy crap, y'all. The first thing I noticed when we walked into Fiona's house was the staggering amount of decorating she had done. There was a plank, there were pirate flags, there were ship sails taller than me, there was sand everywhere....and the Pirates of the Carribbean soundtrack playing in the background. The second thing I noticed was that I was the only one not wearing an elaborate costume. Every single person was dressed in full pirate gear. It was amazing. At first. But after we'd been there for awhile and I got to meet all the other party goers, I realized most of these people probably had at some point in their lives been members of the SCA or Amptgard and I was probably the only one in the room that had never been stuffed into their locker in high school.

So we played the game by searching for clues all over her house and I really wish we had remembered to bring a sex toy with us to hide in one of the rooms for someone else to find because hello? hilarious!. But we didn't, so the Captain and I searched for about a half hour and then proceeded to spend the rest of the time sitting on our asses watching everyone else frantically search for clues and laughing at how Mailman Mike's pirate accent got thicker with every beer he drank. Turned out one of the chicks was the murderer and her husband won the game by guessing she was the murderer, which I'm pretty sure meant they were cheating but whatevs. On our way out the door after the prizes were awarded, I subtly suggested to Fiona that maybe next time she could have a 70's themed party because I already have the costume for that and I look awesome in an afro.

Why I Will Never Tell My Family About This Blog.

So Captain Carl and I went to our first murder mystery party. Guess what the theme was?



This is my brother-in-law, Mailman Mike. He would most likely shoot me for real if he knew I was posting this picture of him. Hey, at least I blacked out his eyes! I'm all about privacy. And not getting killed by family members. You can't tell, but he has a bejeweled eye patch on. Mailman Mike never does anything halfway.

I'll give you all the details on the party soon...I've been neglecting my poor blog and all my awesome blog friends lately. Sorry about that, but real life has been a-callin'. I promise to give you all the awesome details very soon...

Arrrggggghh!

I Just Figured She Really Likes Katy Perry

Have you ever looked back at a moment in your life after you've discovered new information and realized what you thought was going on really was something else? Whoa, I feel totally smart after reading that question back to myself. That's some well written shit, huh? I'm like some kind of sentence genius or something.

I had one of those moments not too long ago. Captain Carl and I have these friends that we used to hang out with all the time. Let's call them Lucy and Ricky. We become friends with this couple a few years ago when we figured out both of the husbands were computer nerds and both of the wives were photography nerds. We spent almost every weekend together. We'd cook, drink and play dominoes or trivial pursuit, taking turns hosting at our homes.

Lucy and I became very close friends separate from our husbands too. We took photography classes together, we went shopping and had lunch, we even had a business together for a short period of time. Lucy was very sweet to me....she never let me pay for lunch and she always volunteered to drive. But then things got a little weird with Lucy. She started getting upset with Captain Carl if he ever said anything to me that she thought wasn't nice. The Captain and I joke around a lot...we are mean to each other, but it's all in fun. Lucy knew this about us and she and Ricky are the same way. But she started telling me that he wasn't good enough for me, that he didn't treat me with respect and that I deserved better.

We started hanging out less and less with Ricky and Lucy and eventually our every weekend get-togethers turned into once every other month get-togethers. The Captain just blew it off when I told him the things Lucy said to me, saying not to worry about it because she has never liked him. That was news to me, so I asked him why.

The Captain: If I tell you, you have to promise not to say anything to Lucy.
Me: I promise!
The Captain: You also have to promise that you won't act weird around her.
Me: Why would I act weird?
The Captain: Because I know you and trust me, you'll want to act weird.
Me: Your mom acts weird.
The Captain: I don't think I should tell you.
Me: Don't make me cut you.
The Captain: I promised Ricky I wouldn't tell you.
Me: That's it, where's my shank?
The Captain: Okay, just promise.
Me: I already did!!
The Captain: Again!
Me: Bitch, I promise. Give it.
The Captain: Lucy has a crush on you.
Me: .......
The Captain: Okay, you can't make that face the next time you see her.
Me: What face?
The Captain: That pinchy face.
Me: I'm not pinchy. That's my thinking face.
The Captain: You are totally freaked out right now, aren't you?
Me: Ummm....no?
The Captain: You suck at lying.
Me: She told Ricky that she has a crush on me?
The Captain: Yeah, she told him she'd like to....
Me: Wait! Don't tell me what she'd like to do!
The Captain: *grinning* Okay, I'll just think about it then. *eyebrow waggle*
Me: What are you, 15 years old?
The Captain: I'm forever young, baby.
Me: Didn't Debbie Gibson sing a song about that?
The Captain: Huh?
Me: Oh wait, that was Electric Youth.
The Captain: *blink*
Me: So what does Ricky think of Lucy's crush?
The Captain: He thinks what I think....
Me: And that is???
The Captain: Our wives are gonna have hot lesbian sex!!
Me: Hmm.
The Captain: What?
Me: This explains why she kept playing "I Kissed A Girl" over and over in the car last week.

Your Mom's On My Middle Finger

My friend DZ asked me to go with her to get her nose pierced last night. I was so excited, I could hardly sit still the whole ride to the tattoo shop. I've never been in one and the only thing I have pierced on my body is my ear lobes. So I was anxious to go in and hang out with all the cool pierced and inked people. That's the way you say it, right? Inked? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I'm down with the tattoo lingo, yo.

When I told Captain Carl what we were doing, he said I should get something pierced. Preferably my nipples. I told him I wasn't interested in piercing anything, so he suggested a tattoo. I told him I didn't want to do that either because I'm afraid I'll pick something that I will end up hating in 20 years. So he said to just put it somewhere only he can see. So I was all "okay, I'll get a butterfly on the bottom of my big toe" and he was all "I'm talking about your ass" and I was all "I suppose a could put a flaming skull in my armpit" and he was all "Or maybe on your boob" and I was all "I got it! I'll put 'Your Mom' on my middle finger".

Yeah, I didn't do that. Maybe next time.

So DZ and I go and the place was brightly lit and the walls were covered in really bad graffiti-type art. Heavy metal music was blaring and there was a dude getting his side tattooed with red butterflies which didn't look manly or tough at all so I'm not really sure what he was going for. All I know is it didn't match his tongue ring and I was about to tell him that when I got distracted by the dude sticking a needle in his skin. He looked straight out of Miami Ink, so I got all bouncy and asked him if he knew Kat Von D and he was all "No" and I was all "I mean, have you met her?" and he was all "No" and I was all "But she's come in here, right?" and he was all "No" and then I was all "But she probably will someday, right?" and then he was all "Are you wasted? Because we don't tat drunk people" and I was all "Ohmygod, you think I'm here to get a tattoo??? That is soooo awesome!" and then I clapped a few times and skipped over where DZ was picking out her nose hole jewelry and pretending she didn't know me.

Once DZ picked out her stud (that's what she said) we were taken down a separate hallway to "The Piercing Room". Inside the room was a stretcher bed thing and a counter with latex gloves and cotton swabs and a bio hazard garbage can. DZ was looking a little nervous at this point, so I told her that if she squinted it would be like she was in a doctor's office getting a pap smear, only up her nose instead of her vagina. This was meant to relax her, but for some reason I don't think it worked because she threw her purse at me and told me to shut the hell up.

So the doctor comes in and guess what? He's not a doctor, he's just a guy with tattoos on his shins and hands. But he doesn't have any piercings so I'm all "Can I see your credentials please?" and he was all "Excuse me?" and I was all "Your piercing credentials. From the piercing academy." and he was all "blink" and I was all "Because you don't have any piercings plus there are no piercing certificates on the wall back here, so how do I know you're qualified to put holes in my friend?" and he was all "I've worked here 11 years and I do have piercings, just not where you can see them." and I was all "Like in your penis?". That's when he started ignoring me. Weird, right?

So the actual piercing took about 30 seconds and I watched the whole thing with fascination. Dr. Piercy was quick and the hole went in the right place and DZ only bled a little bit, so I guess you could call it a success. She texted me this morning to tell me her one year old almost ripped it out when he hit her in the nose. So I'm making her a bracelet that says "WWKVDD" (What Would Kat Von D Do) so she can remember to keep her nose away from dangerous objects and children.

I'm Swagging The Crap Out Of This Party!

My friend Worky invited the Captain and me to his birthday party this weekend. Worky is gay and is all kinds of fabulous and I heart him to death because I've always wanted a gay boyfriend and even though we aren't all that tight, I decided that he was as close I was getting to one since Kurt ignored me when I asked him to be mine. Whatever Kurt,I'm totally karate chopping you in my mind.

Anyway, so Worky sent me an email last week asking me to come to his birthday party that he's throwing for himself, which is kind of weird and self-centered but that's okay because I let the gays get away with more social faux pas than everyone else on account of all the gay-marriage-is-illegal stuff...I figure they could use the break and I'm pretty much all about helping out people who are discriminated against who can also give me bitchin' fashion advice.

So I told the Captain about the party last weekend and he said sure, why not, so I emailed Worky back and said yes. And then the invitation came in the mail.

Holy Rupert Everett, that invitation was so gay it practical yelled "bitch please!" when I opened it. It's got a black border with pretty silver swirly thingies on it and the middle is white with a silver border. Well color me fancy, Reba! And it says "You are invited to attend the star studded event of Worky's Birthday" and then proceeds to tell the when and where and all that business. And then it says "Theme for the party is 'Paparazzi' so dress to impress. Guests are encouraged to wear black, turquoise or silver." It also mentions that there will be a turquoise carpet for photo ops upon arrival. Included in the envelope are two VIP passes that say we should bring them to the party"for a chance to win swag". Holy shit, people! Swag!

So now I'm all excited and jumpy and clappy when I showed it to Captain Carl because hello! this party sounds so fun and girly! The Captain reads the invitation, looks up at me with one eyebrow cocked and says "Oh hell no". I ignore his comment and start talking about what I'm going to wear and what I can find in his closet for him to wear and that's when the Captain grabbed my arm and said "I am not wearing anything turquoise". Party pooper. So I tell him "That's okay, you can just wear one of your plaid shirts and you go can as a Bear. I'm sure all of Worky's friends will love you."

Yeah, he didn't like that idea either. But he said he'll still go with me since he's a good guy and he remembers how Worky drove all the way out to the sticks to our house for our Christmas party last year. Hurrah! I'm totally making him listen to Mariah Carey on the drive over to help us get in the mood.

I found a sweater in my closet that is black and silver and I'm trying to convince the Captain to wear it to the party but he keeps saying "that's your sweater, I can't wear that" and I keep telling him "trust me, you'll fit right in" and then he looks at me all worried and then I laugh and then he gives me the finger and then I say "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" and then he says "That doesn't even make sense" and then I say"Your mom doesn't even make sense! Boo-ya!"

I'm pretty much a genius at comebacks.

Birthday Dinner Accompanied By A Toe Licking Story

We take the Kiddo out for a special birthday dinner every year. This year he picked a Mexican restaurant and we told the him to invite a friend. He picked his best friend, Emo. We heart Emo, he's an endless source of amusement. Emo is usually failing some or all of his classes, is always wearing baggy black pants with chains hanging from them, and is forever lamenting the state of his broken heart after his latest short-lived relationship has ended. He also has no inner monologue and his outer monologue? Hilarious. He's been straight, gay and bi...and that was all in one month. He's loud and talks about his nipples. A lot. How could we not love him?

So we head out on birthday night to have a little Mexican food. In the car, the boys are in the backseat talking about teenage boy stuff and the Captain and I are discussing the state of the economy and how the bailout will affect the general morale of the American blue collar worker. Just kidding. We were talking about that lady that took baths with her monkey.

Suddenly I hear Emo say "...and that dog licked my foot for 30 minutes straight!". The whole car goes silent and I turned to stare at Emo. "Start that story over again please" I say to him. And because he's Emo, he does:

"My stepmom has this dog and it started licking my foot. I thought about kicking him off of me, but then I thought it would be cool to see how long he would do it. So I just let him keep doing it and he was all licking between my toes and stuff and it kind of felt like a massage. "

So it gets real quiet in the car and then the Kiddo says "What's wrong with you, man?" Emo just laughed and that's about when I changed the subject.

Emo's toe licking story set the tone for the whole dinner. Several times throughout the evening, he would randomly shout out "Lick my feet!" and then laugh like it was the funniest joke on the planet. And every time he did, Captain Carl would give me the ole eyebrow waggle and I would be all "No I will not" and then he would be all "You're such a prude" and then I would be all "Your mom's a prude" and then he would be all "Lick my toes!" and then I would be all "Your mom licks....wait that's gross".

And that's why I can never tell the Captain's family about this blog.