Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Who's Your Daddy? I'm Pretty Sure It's Not This Guy.

Captain Carl and I are sitting on the couch watching TV. My cat, Max, is sitting on the ottoman in front of us. Renty walks into the room...

Renty: (to Max) There's the wittle pwincess!
Me: *blink*
Renty: You are such a wittle pwincess! Yes you are!
Captain Carl: Oh yeah, she's so sweet I can hardly stand it.
Renty: You have green eyes, just like Daddy...I mean, just like me!
Me: *scared face*

Then Renty picks up Max's front legs and starts kissing the top of her head. Max is looking at me all "Don't just sit there, help me bitch!" but I'm all "Uh...ha ha haaaa?" because y'alll! I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this point. I guess since I wouldn't stop him, Max had to take matters into her own paws...

She coughed up a hairball.

It worked.

Renty let her go immediately and was all "She's quite the charmer, isn't she?" and Max was all "Charm this, kitty rapist" and then coughed up another one and then Renty just turned away and went back upstairs. We sat there in silence for about a minute. Then the Captain leaned over and whispered in my ear "Just like Daddy???".

Does anyone know the number for Cat Protective Services?

33 comments:

Sunshinemeg said...

I don't know whether laughing would be appropriate here or not. So, I'm just going to go with it. Haahah "daddy?" Really? The cat had the right idea. Barf!

erin said...

I had a neighbor who was always talking to me like that. I spit in his face once and it cleared that obsession right up.

I made that up. Totally. I didn't spit in his face I pissed in his coffee. Same thing.

Jules said...

Go Max!!!! Max is my new Idol. I lovey wovey Max!!!!

Kim said...

So Renty's a GAY cat lover?

Miss Yvonne said...

Kim: Max is a girl...short for Maxine. But still. Eeeww.

Betsey Booms said...

Wait. WTF is the matter with that dude?

Kissing a cat's head is one thing. Claiming fatherhood of cat is another. Have you done a paternity test?

Maury all the way.

diane said...

I would make Renty move out. He's weird, in a slasher-movie kind of way. Seriously, the guy give me the weebie jeebies.

Nellie said...

oh man, i would puked hairballs on him too.

that dude is weeeeeeiiiiirrrrd.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I hope your other cats take cue from Max and just cough up hairballs at Renty's feet.

kate said...

At least your cat has a good reason to barf all over...mine just yacks on window sills just to be a dick. Just tell Renty that "meow means no!"

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

In high school we were taught in rape awareness class to do something weird or gross if attacked, like eat grass, bark like a dog, or bleat. (Rapers aren't into the crazies, apparently. They're picky like that.) Your cat gets an A plus, way to go the extra mile, Max!

Kurt said...

Is cat rape even illegal in Texas? I'm pretty sure it's a sport.

Candice said...

That guy really needs to get laid more.

man, woman, it doesn't even matter.

Vic said...

It's becoming clearer all the time why Renty is renting a room.

At least he's not into hairballs. That would be kinky.

Mona Lott said...

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahh!

Kristine said...

Wait a second, I believe Renty was obliged to clean up hairball puke pile. Drag his who's-your-daddy ass back in here!

Harna said...

HAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! I'm dying over here....

Lana said...

and you were worried when eco and kool left that he was too normal to provide decent blogging material.

CatLadyLarew said...

Maybe you should buy Renty an "Inflate-a-cat" for his birthday. (Just tryin' to help Max out here.)

Houston said...

All I'm sayin' is if you hear him yellin' "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" late at night, leave...

Incest is afoot.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

I see nothing wrong with this story. It happens at least once a week around my parts.

Lulu said...

yikes. Renty McLuvsURCat is getting weirder by the day. Hopefully he didn't have to leave the room because he was all *excited* about the gift of hairballs....

diane said...

I LOVE CatLadyLarew's idea! You should totally do that.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Oh my, that is a bit disturbing. Makes you miss Eco's meat dripping in your fridge, huh?

Hugs!!

miss. chief said...

ohh maxy waxy come to mommy kitty kitty pretty kitty...
...ohhhh heyyyy guys i didn't see you there...i was just saying hello to your cat

Captain Carl said...

miss.chief,

That's already happened... Our formal dining area is now our office (having lost the office to storage)and I happened to be sitting out there on morning as Renty was leaving for work. I guess he didn't hear me because he got don on his knees and started kissing Max on the head and making with the baby talk. Poor guy about pissed his pants when I coughed. True story

Lindsay Champion said...

My favorite cat assault is when they sneeze and a bunch of nasty spit goes flying out of their mouth onto the face of the unsuspecting. I bet he'll try that next time.

lindsay || newyorkwords.net

otherworldlyone said...

There's a cat thing going on around here....

Loving your blog!

Courtney said...

WOW - there are just no words....

Dana's Brain said...

Okay - between this post AND Capt Carl's comment(!) I think perhaps a feline "intervention" might be needed.

Lindsey said...

Wow, you find weird tenants, dude!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Laughing OUT LOUD --- AGAIN! You are a riot ! ! !

A Kitchen Witch said...

Seriously! I didn't read this before leaving that comment on your banana post and now I don't want you to get the wrong idea about my husband. I swear...cat UTI not enduced by my hubs just an odd coincidence. I SWEAR! Now, I'll be doomed in blogland as the lady with the kitty rapist husband.