Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Party In My Pants, Everybody's Coming.

A couple weeks ago I won a little somethin' somethin' over at Zipbag of Vagina Toys, I mean Bones. After winning, I received an email from some guy named Drew and he was all "Congratulations blah blah blah winning the bnaughty blah blah blah Eden Fantasys blah blah blah I have a weird shoe fetish blah blah blah"*.

So I wrote back to him and I was all "Who are you? blah blah blah how do you know I won a sex toy? blah blah blah sick perverted blogger stalker blah blah blah do patent leather mary jane's do anything for you?"

Drew wrote back and explained that he works for Eden Fantasys and since that is pretty much a dream job....hello, he's surrounded by triple clit flickers and anal lubes all day long...I decided he must be an okay guy. Or a sex addict. I'm fine with either.

Then Drew asked if I'd like to do some reviews for Eden Fantasys and I was all "My panties are wet just thinking about it" and then he didn't write back so I figured I really offended him but then I got an email from my mom and she was all "I hope you meant to send that information to your husband and not me" and then I realized I might have made a mistake, so I went ahead and emailed Drew again and this time I was all "Yes please." And then I tried calling my mom about ten times and it went straight to voicemail every time.


So here I am, doing my first sexy time review. Get ready to tingle, people.

I received my bnaughty about four days after I won the giveaway, although it seemed like four weeks to me due to all the anticipation my private parts were feeling. Captain Carl called me at work and was all "Guess what came (hee hee) in the mail today?" and I was all "IS IT MY CLIT ROCKET????" and the Captain was all "Yeah, ummm...aren't you at work right now?" and that's when I realized I yelled the part about the clit and the rocket and my office was now completely silent except for the old gay guy in the corner who was all "Oh you GO girl!". It's amazing that I've managed to keep a job this long, honestly.

My first test drive with the bnaughty was a solo mission. Captain Carl was away for a couple of days, so out came (hee hee) the batteries and know...some vibrating went on and things turned out very nicely for me. I involved the Captain the next go-round. I enjoyed not having to use my hands and he enjoyed having a remote control to play with. Seriously, what is it with men and remotes?

I would consider the bnaughty to be a gentle little vibrator....a very nice treat for your happy places. It also doubles as a hilarious microphone to sing "Let's Get It On" into when you are slightly tipsy after drinking three glasses of wine and trying to seduce your husband. I told Drew that they should totally put that in the description, but he was all "I'm not sure blah blah blah not really what we're trying to convey blah blah blah are your feet a size 8 or 9?"**

Oh, and they also carry my favorite vibrator on their website too. They call it a hitachi magic wand but I call it my "5 second orgasm-er". Every single time, ladies. Perfect when you want to get off and get on with it.

P.S. Drew told me he didn't need to read my review before I posted it. I bet he's totally regretting that decision right about now.

*I might have made this part up.
**I could have possible made this part up also.


Hit 40 said...

I don't think Drew is regretting anything!! LOL You did his toy proud.

Kim said...

Oh my God I clicked onto the link of the Hitachi magic wand and there's a "click here for actual size" and I was curious and did-- I have to say I was stunned, horrified, and a little in awe (fear) when the image came up. Then I saw the instructions to zoom until the ruler was the right proportion-- whew, for a minute there I was seeing you in a whole new light.

Kurt said...

I think the best part of this blog is the words "solo mission" because that sounds like an exciting adventure fraught with peril, which maybe it was.

Solanaceae said...

Best. Review. Ever. Not only am I still laughing ... seriously considering buying one for myself. :)

Harna said...

Dirty, dirty girl...involving the hubs. I'm so proud!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm sure Drew is a very happy guy :-) That was a rave review!

LOVE your blog!!!!!

diane said...

Speechless. Seriously. Nope, not one thought. Damn. That was a good review.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I usually just stick the remote up my vagina and wink and say, "Come and get it, big boy!" That's kind of like your night with the bnaughty, right? Men and their remotes, am I right sister? Up top!!

Green-Eyed Momster said...

"Oh you GO girl!"

Laughing my ass off...


Jules said...

I'd tell him that you weren't sure and you might need to try out another one. And then repeat. And repeat. Until you owned each and every vibrator they sell. THAT would be awesome. AND cheap!!!!

The Peach Tart said...

That's funny. Drew contacted me via email too. I haven't emailed him back yet but if it involves trying out new toys, I'm on it.

I think he does troll blogs for people with mentions of toys in their blogs.

The Hitachi Magic Wand. A girls best friend.

kate said... toys. My friends and I got drunk one night and watched late night infomercials for vibrators that looked like cactuses. It was glorious.

otherworldlyone said...

I find myself at a loss for words. You're too funny. That's all I've got.

Mona Lott said...

This is the perfect job for you:D

So, I'm looking for something that'll rattle my teeth- will the magic wand do the trick? They're never clear about these things in the ads.

Betsey Booms said...

Dude that Drew writes everyone. What a sex toy whore.

Miss Yvonne said...

Hit 40: I hope you're right. Because I'm broke and the only way I'm getting new vibrators is if Drew-who-loves-high-arches-best sends them to me.

Kim: The magic wand is a little scary big in person. Kind of how I would imagine meeting Alec Baldwin in person would feel. I don't know...don't ask.

Kurt: Your comment proves how well you know women. Which is either a lot or not very well. I can't decide. Get it? Because I'm a woman. haaaaaahhahahaa!

Solanacea: Be sure you tell Drew-who-also-loves-it-when-you-wear-crocs that you are buying one because of me. He might send me some of that anal lube. Not that I would use it. But I totally would.

Harna: The hubs would be devestated if I didn't include him.

Joanna: No, I love YOUR blog!

diane: I can't believe I struck you speechless. Damn, that WAS a good review!

Steamy: You know it, girl...I'm totally up-topping you right now.

Momster: That was my favorite part too.

Jules: Damn, I didn't think of that. Is it too late to try that?

Peach Tart: You need to email Drew-who-dreams-about-big-toes and get on the vibrator bandwagon!

kate: hmmmm, a cactus vibrator? Ouchy.

otherwordlyone: Why thank you, I have be trying to hit "too funny" on my blog, but Captain Carl says I'm hitting "too annoying" more than anything. Jerk.

Mona Lott: The magic wand will totally rattle your teeth. So be careful when you put it in your mouth. What? You don't want to chip a tooth, right?

Miss Yvonne said...

Betsey: The sex toy whore here is clearly me.

Vic said...

You are my sex toy idol.

Even if they scare me a little. Do they have beginner models?

Never mind. I don't want to know.

KATHY said...


CatLadyLarew said...

Glad to hear you're enjoying your summer! Obviously, I had to check out the web link. Amazing, what stuff they have out there! Pretty soon you're going to need the "For your nymphomation adult toy chest" to store all your sex toys, penis straws, etc.

Pearl said...

The future is ripe with career possibilities!

Diggin' your critiques!


She Said said...

Note to self: Do not drink fizzy drinks (alcoholic or otherwise) while reading your blog. Owe. It really stings coming out of my nose. Seriously. I laughed. That hard (hee hee).

Oh, and I shouldn't read Kim's reviews while drinking either. Damn. Maybe I should stop drinking.


Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha! Nothing like awkward emails and sex toy try-outs...heheheh