Rhymes With Mock Ding

It's Friday night, the lights are down and my wine glass is full. That's right, it's time for another sexy time review with Miss Yvonne. Wives, grab your husbands and husbands, give your wives your credit card.....it's on like Donkey Kong.

So Drew over at Eden Fantasys and I have been keeping in touch these last few months. He's all "Hey, your first review was so awesome" and I'm all "Tell me something I don't know" and he's all "How about I send you another toy to review?" and I'm all "How about I karate chop your mom in the throat?" and he's all "Excuse me?" and I'm all "You heard me, Walker" and he's all "Ummm...pardon?" and I'm all "See, you're Walker and I'm Texas Ranger. It's funny. Like in that Tallahassee Nights movie" and he's all "Okay so, the sex toy" and I'm all "What kind are you sending me this time, Medicine Woman??" and he's all "Are you on something?" and I'm all "Yeah, your mom's face" and I guess by then he figured out I was hilarious (yes) and totally kidding (no) so he's all "LOL. What would you like me to send?" and I'm all "Something that Captain Carl and I can use together".

And he totally listened to me and a month later this came in the mail.

A cock ring.

Drew sent me a cock ring. I was terrified of it. I held the package in my hand for about 10 minutes and giggled. Then I opened the box and started sweating when I realized I had no idea how to work it. I mean, I basically knew how it works...I figured the Captain's junk went through the hole and all that. But this thing had TWO holes. So the Captain and I spent another 10 minutes examining and trying to figure out what goes into which hole. We were not successful. But still geniuses.

Later that night after the Kiddo and the renters were safely tucked away upstairs, we retreated to the bedroom to try out our new ring du cock. Captain Carl grabbed the little guy from my sweaty grip and was all "Turn around" and I was all "Why?" and he was all "I don't want you to watch me put it on" and I was all "Why not?" and he was all "It's embarrassing" and I was all "No it's sexy" and he was all "I don't know how it works...nothing about this part will be sexy". So I turned around and listened to him mutter to himself....

"Okay, ummm...maybe through here first. Ouch! Damn it! Should have shaved my balls first....okay, maybe...maybe....shit!"

At this point he had begun panting from the effort and I was trying very very hard not to laugh...

"Oh wait! Like this! Hmmmm...motherfucker!!!"

And that's when I turned around and the poor Captain agreed to let me help. I suppose this part doesn't sound very sexy. But it kind of was. We were trying something new and different and that can be very sexy. It was also hilarious...to me. It was a little funny to the Captain at first, but like most situations we find ourselves in, it got less funny the more I laughed.

Luckily we figured it out and the cock ring was installed properly. Dudes, here's the best part. This thing has a vibrator. A little tiny vibrator...if you click the link above, it will be quite obvious to you that the spot the vibrator hits on the lucky lady is a very nice spot indeed.

This is the point in my review where I could get really graphic and even more inappropriate than I've already been. But I won't do that. Not because I have moral standards. Hell no. I won't only because I just spent 15 minutes writing it out and it ended up sounding like a really bad romance novel. There were lots of words like "pulsing" and "throbbing" and "lusty sighs of pleasure" and I'm sorry but if I'm going to write junk like that, I'm gonna be selling it to Harlequin and not wasting it on y'all.

So I certainly enjoyed the xtreme rabbit cock ring...oops sorry, I just realized they call it a "love ring" on the Eden Fantasys website. That's a way classier way to describe a "cock and balls device", don't you think?

Hey, do your partners a huge solid and head on over the Eden Fantasys. Order yourselves something nice. Maybe a nice cock and balls device. Or perhaps a Fulfill-a-fantasy flogger is more suited to your tastes. Or hell, it's almost Halloween...how about a naughty costume? Erotic nurse anyone??? Bonus points if you order anything from the Fall "blow out" sale. They have a plastic pussy that they call a "textured sleeve". Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.

Party In My Pants, Everybody's Coming.

A couple weeks ago I won a little somethin' somethin' over at Zipbag of Vagina Toys, I mean Bones. After winning, I received an email from some guy named Drew and he was all "Congratulations blah blah blah winning the bnaughty blah blah blah Eden Fantasys blah blah blah I have a weird shoe fetish blah blah blah"*.

So I wrote back to him and I was all "Who are you? blah blah blah how do you know I won a sex toy? blah blah blah sick perverted blogger stalker blah blah blah do patent leather mary jane's do anything for you?"

Drew wrote back and explained that he works for Eden Fantasys and since that is pretty much a dream job....hello, he's surrounded by triple clit flickers and anal lubes all day long...I decided he must be an okay guy. Or a sex addict. I'm fine with either.

Then Drew asked if I'd like to do some reviews for Eden Fantasys and I was all "My panties are wet just thinking about it" and then he didn't write back so I figured I really offended him but then I got an email from my mom and she was all "I hope you meant to send that information to your husband and not me" and then I realized I might have made a mistake, so I went ahead and emailed Drew again and this time I was all "Yes please." And then I tried calling my mom about ten times and it went straight to voicemail every time.

Weird.

So here I am, doing my first sexy time review. Get ready to tingle, people.

I received my bnaughty about four days after I won the giveaway, although it seemed like four weeks to me due to all the anticipation my private parts were feeling. Captain Carl called me at work and was all "Guess what came (hee hee) in the mail today?" and I was all "IS IT MY CLIT ROCKET????" and the Captain was all "Yeah, ummm...aren't you at work right now?" and that's when I realized I yelled the part about the clit and the rocket and my office was now completely silent except for the old gay guy in the corner who was all "Oh you GO girl!". It's amazing that I've managed to keep a job this long, honestly.

My first test drive with the bnaughty was a solo mission. Captain Carl was away for a couple of days, so out came (hee hee) the batteries and well...you know...some vibrating went on and things turned out very nicely for me. I involved the Captain the next go-round. I enjoyed not having to use my hands and he enjoyed having a remote control to play with. Seriously, what is it with men and remotes?

I would consider the bnaughty to be a gentle little vibrator....a very nice treat for your happy places. It also doubles as a hilarious microphone to sing "Let's Get It On" into when you are slightly tipsy after drinking three glasses of wine and trying to seduce your husband. I told Drew that they should totally put that in the description, but he was all "I'm not sure blah blah blah not really what we're trying to convey blah blah blah are your feet a size 8 or 9?"**

Oh, and they also carry my favorite vibrator on their website too. They call it a hitachi magic wand but I call it my "5 second orgasm-er". Every single time, ladies. Perfect when you want to get off and get on with it.

P.S. Drew told me he didn't need to read my review before I posted it. I bet he's totally regretting that decision right about now.

*I might have made this part up.
**I could have possible made this part up also.