It's Friday night, the lights are down and my wine glass is full. That's right, it's time for another sexy time review with Miss Yvonne. Wives, grab your husbands and husbands, give your wives your credit card.....it's on like Donkey Kong.
So Drew over at Eden Fantasys and I have been keeping in touch these last few months. He's all "Hey, your first review was so awesome" and I'm all "Tell me something I don't know" and he's all "How about I send you another toy to review?" and I'm all "How about I karate chop your mom in the throat?" and he's all "Excuse me?" and I'm all "You heard me, Walker" and he's all "Ummm...pardon?" and I'm all "See, you're Walker and I'm Texas Ranger. It's funny. Like in that Tallahassee Nights movie" and he's all "Okay so, the sex toy" and I'm all "What kind are you sending me this time, Medicine Woman??" and he's all "Are you on something?" and I'm all "Yeah, your mom's face" and I guess by then he figured out I was hilarious (yes) and totally kidding (no) so he's all "LOL. What would you like me to send?" and I'm all "Something that Captain Carl and I can use together".
And he totally listened to me and a month later this came in the mail.
A cock ring.
Drew sent me a cock ring. I was terrified of it. I held the package in my hand for about 10 minutes and giggled. Then I opened the box and started sweating when I realized I had no idea how to work it. I mean, I basically knew how it works...I figured the Captain's junk went through the hole and all that. But this thing had TWO holes. So the Captain and I spent another 10 minutes examining and trying to figure out what goes into which hole. We were not successful. But still geniuses.
Later that night after the Kiddo and the renters were safely tucked away upstairs, we retreated to the bedroom to try out our new ring du cock. Captain Carl grabbed the little guy from my sweaty grip and was all "Turn around" and I was all "Why?" and he was all "I don't want you to watch me put it on" and I was all "Why not?" and he was all "It's embarrassing" and I was all "No it's sexy" and he was all "I don't know how it works...nothing about this part will be sexy". So I turned around and listened to him mutter to himself....
"Okay, ummm...maybe through here first. Ouch! Damn it! Should have shaved my balls first....okay, maybe...maybe....shit!"
At this point he had begun panting from the effort and I was trying very very hard not to laugh...
"Oh wait! Like this! Hmmmm...motherfucker!!!"
And that's when I turned around and the poor Captain agreed to let me help. I suppose this part doesn't sound very sexy. But it kind of was. We were trying something new and different and that can be very sexy. It was also hilarious...to me. It was a little funny to the Captain at first, but like most situations we find ourselves in, it got less funny the more I laughed.
Luckily we figured it out and the cock ring was installed properly. Dudes, here's the best part. This thing has a vibrator. A little tiny vibrator...if you click the link above, it will be quite obvious to you that the spot the vibrator hits on the lucky lady is a very nice spot indeed.
This is the point in my review where I could get really graphic and even more inappropriate than I've already been. But I won't do that. Not because I have moral standards. Hell no. I won't only because I just spent 15 minutes writing it out and it ended up sounding like a really bad romance novel. There were lots of words like "pulsing" and "throbbing" and "lusty sighs of pleasure" and I'm sorry but if I'm going to write junk like that, I'm gonna be selling it to Harlequin and not wasting it on y'all.
So I certainly enjoyed the xtreme rabbit cock ring...oops sorry, I just realized they call it a "love ring" on the Eden Fantasys website. That's a way classier way to describe a "cock and balls device", don't you think?
Hey, do your partners a huge solid and head on over the Eden Fantasys. Order yourselves something nice. Maybe a nice cock and balls device. Or perhaps a Fulfill-a-fantasy flogger is more suited to your tastes. Or hell, it's almost Halloween...how about a naughty costume? Erotic nurse anyone??? Bonus points if you order anything from the Fall "blow out" sale. They have a plastic pussy that they call a "textured sleeve". Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.
Have a Merry, Perimenopause!
3 months ago