Friday, October 23, 2009

Rhymes With Mock Ding

It's Friday night, the lights are down and my wine glass is full. That's right, it's time for another sexy time review with Miss Yvonne. Wives, grab your husbands and husbands, give your wives your credit's on like Donkey Kong.

So Drew over at Eden Fantasys and I have been keeping in touch these last few months. He's all "Hey, your first review was so awesome" and I'm all "Tell me something I don't know" and he's all "How about I send you another toy to review?" and I'm all "How about I karate chop your mom in the throat?" and he's all "Excuse me?" and I'm all "You heard me, Walker" and he's all "Ummm...pardon?" and I'm all "See, you're Walker and I'm Texas Ranger. It's funny. Like in that Tallahassee Nights movie" and he's all "Okay so, the sex toy" and I'm all "What kind are you sending me this time, Medicine Woman??" and he's all "Are you on something?" and I'm all "Yeah, your mom's face" and I guess by then he figured out I was hilarious (yes) and totally kidding (no) so he's all "LOL. What would you like me to send?" and I'm all "Something that Captain Carl and I can use together".

And he totally listened to me and a month later this came in the mail.

A cock ring.

Drew sent me a cock ring. I was terrified of it. I held the package in my hand for about 10 minutes and giggled. Then I opened the box and started sweating when I realized I had no idea how to work it. I mean, I basically knew how it works...I figured the Captain's junk went through the hole and all that. But this thing had TWO holes. So the Captain and I spent another 10 minutes examining and trying to figure out what goes into which hole. We were not successful. But still geniuses.

Later that night after the Kiddo and the renters were safely tucked away upstairs, we retreated to the bedroom to try out our new ring du cock. Captain Carl grabbed the little guy from my sweaty grip and was all "Turn around" and I was all "Why?" and he was all "I don't want you to watch me put it on" and I was all "Why not?" and he was all "It's embarrassing" and I was all "No it's sexy" and he was all "I don't know how it works...nothing about this part will be sexy". So I turned around and listened to him mutter to himself....

"Okay, ummm...maybe through here first. Ouch! Damn it! Should have shaved my balls first....okay, maybe...maybe....shit!"

At this point he had begun panting from the effort and I was trying very very hard not to laugh...

"Oh wait! Like this! Hmmmm...motherfucker!!!"

And that's when I turned around and the poor Captain agreed to let me help. I suppose this part doesn't sound very sexy. But it kind of was. We were trying something new and different and that can be very sexy. It was also me. It was a little funny to the Captain at first, but like most situations we find ourselves in, it got less funny the more I laughed.

Luckily we figured it out and the cock ring was installed properly. Dudes, here's the best part. This thing has a vibrator. A little tiny vibrator...if you click the link above, it will be quite obvious to you that the spot the vibrator hits on the lucky lady is a very nice spot indeed.

This is the point in my review where I could get really graphic and even more inappropriate than I've already been. But I won't do that. Not because I have moral standards. Hell no. I won't only because I just spent 15 minutes writing it out and it ended up sounding like a really bad romance novel. There were lots of words like "pulsing" and "throbbing" and "lusty sighs of pleasure" and I'm sorry but if I'm going to write junk like that, I'm gonna be selling it to Harlequin and not wasting it on y'all.

So I certainly enjoyed the xtreme rabbit cock ring...oops sorry, I just realized they call it a "love ring" on the Eden Fantasys website. That's a way classier way to describe a "cock and balls device", don't you think?

Hey, do your partners a huge solid and head on over the Eden Fantasys. Order yourselves something nice. Maybe a nice cock and balls device. Or perhaps a Fulfill-a-fantasy flogger is more suited to your tastes. Or hell, it's almost about a naughty costume? Erotic nurse anyone??? Bonus points if you order anything from the Fall "blow out" sale. They have a plastic pussy that they call a "textured sleeve". Whatever helps you sleep at night, dude.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm so confused about that sleeve thing. It looks like an accordion and comes with odd caretaking instructions, like a Gremlin. Dust with corn starch?? That step is about when reality would set in for me.

I'm impressed you figured out the cock ring. My first thought was maybe a double bubble wand.

Candice said...

It does look a little scary, and the hole that the "mock" goes in looks like it fits an infant schlong. Then again, I'm assuming it stretches, but remains tight enough to keep the ol blood flow where it should be?

Regardless, glad you two had fun. Hope your cat molester doesn't get ahold of it.

miss. chief said...

OH NO the cat molester can not get ahold of that, Candice is right.
Watch out. Maybe don't put it somewhere obvious like your sock drawer. Shove it under the mattress beside your life savings. and the bedlebags.

bedlebag is my word verification and it sounds so cute I just had to say it a couple times.


Logical Libby said...

I would not have been able to go through with it. I would have doubled over laughing when I saw3 it was hot pink. Why do most sex toys look like rejects from the Oriental Trading Company?

just making my way said...

On the sale page there is a thing that has a dolphin on the top. I'm kind of giggling thinking that a guy who dates a girl who really dig dolphins might think that would be a good gift.

That is indeed, an intimidating cock ring. Happy to hear it all worked out!

Chris said...

Great review. Most people don't include the hazards and confusion associated with new products.

diane said...

I was very impressed to see that the cock ring comes with a mini lipstick, because, you know, mine always gets rubbed off during bj's.
Cool, my word ver. is conucker, don't know how to use it in a sentence, but it sounds a little dirty. :)

Anonymous said...

I bought a cock ring for Hubby when we were dating. He absolutely 100% refused to put it on. I was 22. I had no idea a guy wouldn't like it or wouldn't want to try it....

otherworldlyone said...

I went to one of those Pure Romance parties once (maybe twice) and you wouldn't believe how many women were ordering the fake vaginas for their men. The one the they had was called "Super Stretch Vagina Lips". Really?? Because every man wants a super stretchy vagina? It looked like a jelly fish.

Miss Yvonne said...

otherworldlyone - See this is exactly what is wrong with women. They go to a sex toy party and they buy shit FOR THEIR MEN and not themselves. I guess I could have asked Drew for one of those things, but I'm just too selfish.