Wednesday, October 7, 2009

If There Isn't A Working Toilet, I'm Not Going

The weather is finally turning a little cooler down here in Texas. The air conditioner is not running at maximum capacity all day long and I no longer have to hold my boobs up and aim the fan under them to dry the sweat off.

Apparently this is the time of year that people go hunting, because my boss told me a story today about building a deer blind in his backyard for him and his 10 year old son to sit in while they wait to shoot Bambi with a cross bow. Did I mention his son is 10 years old? WTF? The South is crazy, yo. This child hasn't even gotten hair on his balls and his father gave him a deadly weapon that he can't even pick up by himself. Cue dueling banjos here.

This is also the time of year that makes Captain Carl want to go camping. He mentioned this to me the other day with a wistful note in his voice. He was all "This weather is awesome. I wish the Kiddo was younger so we could all go camping" and I was all "You can still go camping, I bet he'd like to go with you" and he was all "You could come too!" and I was all "Yeah. No." and he was all "Oh come on" and I was all "Unless camping involves a hotel room and room service, I'm not camping" and he was all "It will be romantic! We could get a separate tent from the Kiddo and have sex under the stars!" and I was all "That wouldn't be romantic. That would be dirty" and he was all "Yeah...dirty" and I was all "Not the good kind of dirty. The literal kind of dirty." and he was all "I bet you've never even gone camping before" and I was all "I have so and I woke up the next morning with mud under my fingernails and greasy hair and then I had to pee in a hole in the ground and that is why I will never go again" and he was all "You are so high maintenance" and I was all "Why don't you shut up and go eat some granola or something?".

I told him a few hours later that I changed my mind and he was all "Really?" and I was all "Yeah!" and he was all "Sweet, when do you want to go?" and I was all "Whenever you can rent the RV" and then he just stared at me and then walked off shaking his head.

Yeah, turns out Captain Carl likes to be "authentic" and sleep in a tent on the ground and not have a vehicle equipped with a shower and a bed and a refrigerator and a running toilet when he goes camping and I'm sorry but that is not called camping in my book. That is called getting lost in the woods and pooping without toilet paper and not having a mirror to check your makeup in and eventually having to eat the first person who dies because you ran out of s'mores and bottled water and refused to drink out of the stream because hello you have no idea what kind of bacteria and fish poop is in there!

I don't understand nature-y people.


26 comments:

Lulu said...

Any 'vacation' or 'weekend' or 'college dorm' or being broke until payday' event that involves having to take a shower while wearing flip flops?? Is not for me. Camping for me is opening the window at the hotel and the room service waiter forgetting the ketchup for my fries.

Lana said...

i fully agree with you! playing in the woods is one thing, but sleeping and peeing is a whole separate level.

and i didn't even know people really used cross bows. i thought they were only in the movies.

Chris said...

I got my first .22 when I was seven. I'm just saying. Oh, wait. I'm from Arkansas. That explains it.

miss. chief said...

wiiiimmmmp!

i double dog dare you to go camping

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I went camping once and there were showers and toilets and sinks at the campground. It still sucked.

I'm pretty sure if I went camping I'd realize how OCD I am about washing my hands.

I'll go camping in a hotel any day! We're cut out of the same "fuck camping" cloth! I don't hunt either....

Jugs@@

Joanna Jenkins said...

I love not camping too! It's sooooo not for me.
xo

Little Ms Blogger said...

Camping as a kid in a tent was okay--actually, we stayed at places with facilities. Maybe that was the reason.

Peeing in a hole (great name for a sexual act) is not fun and gross.

kyslp said...

The thing I like about camping is that my husband takes the kids and leaves me home alone. It is not for me.

otherworldlyone said...

I am 100% in agreement with you on this. Camping is worse than accidental public nudity. Or beer flavored dental floss.

Kim said...

Until I met my husband, I'd gone camping maybe once. Now we go several times a year and I kind of like it. Or maybe my defenses are just wearing down and I am a shell of my former self.
They have bathrooms at the campsite, but I can never shit for fear of being interupted. So it's kind of hard to have fun when you haven't shit in 4 days.

atiredwife said...

I'll go camping again when there is a regular raised bed - complete with box spring and mattress - in the tent.

CatLadyLarew said...

Does Captain Carl take his banjo with him when he goes camping?

KLaw said...

Hilarious! I am right there with you. Anything that requires me to wipe my ass with a leaf gets a big F-U from me.

erin said...

I've been camping once, but I was in college and don't really remember much of it...being that I was drunk before, during and after the event.

BUT I can't imagine going camping with little kids. It seems sooo freaking dangerous.

I'd go camping with you though!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Story: We went camping as a family when I was little, and the 4 of us shared a giant tent, and my dad and brother were secretly peeing in bottles because they were too lazy to walk to the bathroom, and in the middle of the night the bottle spilled over onto guess who? You'll never guess. I slept in a pool of pee.

I guess my dog peeing on me the other night wasn't technically my first golden shower. It was my first golden shower that didn't come from my dad, is what it was, technically.

In conclusion, go camping, just watch out for bottles of pee. The end.

diane said...

I'm with you, I don't like to step off of the sidewalk if I can help it.

Jules said...

Cold as in "you had to wear gloves today too when you had sidewalk duty and had to run down fucktard parents who act like they don't know where to drop their kids off in the morning even though school's been in session for almost two months" cold?

And I think the Deliverance men live in Utah or Montana or some other desolate state.

Wait. Is Texas desolate?

adrienne said...

talk about genetic deficiencies... isn't that pathetic?

Vic said...

I hate camping.
Here in southern California camping seems to consist of hunkering down in a parking space-sized square of dirt next to four hundred other families, all arguing and playing ranchero music at top volume.

It's so relaxing.

(how big is the neighbor's backyard??)

Kurt said...

I like the part of camping where the guard tells you that it's time for you to make your phone call.

kate said...

Here's the trick to making sleeping in a tent on rocks suck just a little bit less:

Drinking. Lots of drinking.

I have found that a copious amount of alcohol makes sleeping on dirt much more tolerable.

just making my way said...

I went camping once in high school with my boyfriend (my parents were out of the country. Literally. Cause, NO they would never have let that happen!) Anyhoots, it rained all frickin' night and was completely god-awful.

No camping for this chick. I love nature, but I also love 300 thread count sheets. A lot.

Brandy Rose said...

My dad always made me do the hunting/camping combo. Freezing cold, early mornings and bathroom time squatting. Hate it all to this day with a passion.

Prosy said...

You know what else sucks about camping? Bears. They are attracted by our menstrating. True story. I saw it in a movie.

Amy said...

Camping - yuck! I'd rather do just about anything rather than camp. My idea of camping is staying at the Holiday Inn instead of the Hilton (OK I stole that from a movie - doesn't mean it's not true).

BTW - Jules - fucktard is such an awesome fucking word!

TrodoMcCracken said...

Once when I was younger and lived on my acerage out in the middle of the woods with all my siblings my older brother had to take a poop in the woods and I was the only one who was around so he screamed at me to run back to the house to get him toilet paper because he pooped in the woods and I kind of started to go to get him toilet paper but then I am pretty sure I was distracted by a rabbit or something and totally forgot he was pooping in the woods without toilet paper so he was in the woods along time because he was pooping.

I got beat up hours later because I forgot the toilet paper so in other words going camping and pooping in the woods promotes domestic violence.