The weather is finally turning a little cooler down here in Texas. The air conditioner is not running at maximum capacity all day long and I no longer have to hold my boobs up and aim the fan under them to dry the sweat off.
Apparently this is the time of year that people go hunting, because my boss told me a story today about building a deer blind in his backyard for him and his 10 year old son to sit in while they wait to shoot Bambi with a cross bow. Did I mention his son is 10 years old? WTF? The South is crazy, yo. This child hasn't even gotten hair on his balls and his father gave him a deadly weapon that he can't even pick up by himself. Cue dueling banjos here.
This is also the time of year that makes Captain Carl want to go camping. He mentioned this to me the other day with a wistful note in his voice. He was all "This weather is awesome. I wish the Kiddo was younger so we could all go camping" and I was all "You can still go camping, I bet he'd like to go with you" and he was all "You could come too!" and I was all "Yeah. No." and he was all "Oh come on" and I was all "Unless camping involves a hotel room and room service, I'm not camping" and he was all "It will be romantic! We could get a separate tent from the Kiddo and have sex under the stars!" and I was all "That wouldn't be romantic. That would be dirty" and he was all "Yeah...dirty" and I was all "Not the good kind of dirty. The literal kind of dirty." and he was all "I bet you've never even gone camping before" and I was all "I have so and I woke up the next morning with mud under my fingernails and greasy hair and then I had to pee in a hole in the ground and that is why I will never go again" and he was all "You are so high maintenance" and I was all "Why don't you shut up and go eat some granola or something?".
I told him a few hours later that I changed my mind and he was all "Really?" and I was all "Yeah!" and he was all "Sweet, when do you want to go?" and I was all "Whenever you can rent the RV" and then he just stared at me and then walked off shaking his head.
Yeah, turns out Captain Carl likes to be "authentic" and sleep in a tent on the ground and not have a vehicle equipped with a shower and a bed and a refrigerator and a running toilet when he goes camping and I'm sorry but that is not called camping in my book. That is called getting lost in the woods and pooping without toilet paper and not having a mirror to check your makeup in and eventually having to eat the first person who dies because you ran out of s'mores and bottled water and refused to drink out of the stream because hello you have no idea what kind of bacteria and fish poop is in there!
I don't understand nature-y people.
On Becoming My Grandmother
3 months ago