I'm sitting at my desk right now dressed as a pirate. My division at work spent 4 days decorating our office to look like a pirate ship. Now I'm wearing a scarf on my head and a gun and dagger on my hips. I look so hot it's ridiculous. I'm like the sexiest overweight pirate lady ever. I'll probably be drunk by noon because I brought a bottle of "fake" rum as a prop. It's filled with "ginger ale" and I've already drank a third of it and it's only 8am. I'm totally getting a raise after today.
Last night the Captain and I were talking to the Kiddo about college. Time is fast approaching for him to submit applications to his favorite places and I was telling him stories about all the things I wished I had done and not done while I was in college. Like more drinking, less driving two hours home every weekend to see my loser boyfriend who was cheating on me and also less worrying about him showing up at my dorm room drunk and screaming and less of him threatening to beat the shit out of me and less of him pretending to be suicidal when I tried to break up with him. You know, the things everyone regrets basically.
Then we moved on to his graduation stuff. The Kiddo brought home a packet of crap from school filled with things to buy "for your special graduate". Yeah, my kid is special but he ain't "$80 deluxe graduation package" special. Seriously? $80 for a cap and gown and "souvenir" tassel and 25 invitations that look exactly like the ones I gave out in 1992? No thanks. Captain Carl told the Kiddo that we just don't love him enough to buy him a souvenir tassel. He seemed okay with that.
There was also a letter in his packet that detailed his diploma options. Now, when I graduated from high school, the only option we had was "get one" or "not get one because you aren't graduating". The Kiddo can get just a plain old diploma like I had, or he could get the upgraded diploma, which has drawings of puppies and kittens on it or some shit like that. OR he could get the upgraded diploma in a "special memories" wooden shadow box. For reals, yo.
The Captain: It says here you can have your name on your diploma however you want it.
The Kiddo: What does that mean?
Me: It means you can put just your first name and last name, or add your middle name or whatever.
The Captain: I think you should put Danger for your middle name.
The Kiddo: That would be awesome!
Me: I don't think that is a good idea.
The Captain: You're right...it isn't a good idea. It's an AMAZING idea.
The Kiddo: Or how about Dr. Daniel Danger Jones? (not his real name, of course).
Me: Umm, great except you're not a doctor.
The Kiddo: They don't know that.
The Captain: He has a point.
The Kiddo: Wait! Dr. Professor Daniel Danger Jones!
The Captain: Even better.
The Kiddo: MR. Dr. Professor Daniel Danger Jones!!!
The Captain: Too long, maybe.
The Kiddo: Right. Okay, then I'll just do Mr. Dr. Professor Sexy.
The Captain: That's my boy. *sniffle* I'm so proud.
Seriously, I'm totally outnumbered.
UPDATE: It is now 3:08pm and my boob popped out of my shirt at lunch, but only once and it was totally hilarious. Our division won best group contest and I made about 50 jokes about my ship's porthole. Yep, totally getting that raise.
On Becoming My Grandmother
5 weeks ago