Friday, October 30, 2009

Mr. Dr. Professor Sexy - Now With More Drunk Comments!

I'm sitting at my desk right now dressed as a pirate. My division at work spent 4 days decorating our office to look like a pirate ship. Now I'm wearing a scarf on my head and a gun and dagger on my hips. I look so hot it's ridiculous. I'm like the sexiest overweight pirate lady ever. I'll probably be drunk by noon because I brought a bottle of "fake" rum as a prop. It's filled with "ginger ale" and I've already drank a third of it and it's only 8am. I'm totally getting a raise after today.

Last night the Captain and I were talking to the Kiddo about college. Time is fast approaching for him to submit applications to his favorite places and I was telling him stories about all the things I wished I had done and not done while I was in college. Like more drinking, less driving two hours home every weekend to see my loser boyfriend who was cheating on me and also less worrying about him showing up at my dorm room drunk and screaming and less of him threatening to beat the shit out of me and less of him pretending to be suicidal when I tried to break up with him. You know, the things everyone regrets basically.

Then we moved on to his graduation stuff. The Kiddo brought home a packet of crap from school filled with things to buy "for your special graduate". Yeah, my kid is special but he ain't "$80 deluxe graduation package" special. Seriously? $80 for a cap and gown and "souvenir" tassel and 25 invitations that look exactly like the ones I gave out in 1992? No thanks. Captain Carl told the Kiddo that we just don't love him enough to buy him a souvenir tassel. He seemed okay with that.

There was also a letter in his packet that detailed his diploma options. Now, when I graduated from high school, the only option we had was "get one" or "not get one because you aren't graduating". The Kiddo can get just a plain old diploma like I had, or he could get the upgraded diploma, which has drawings of puppies and kittens on it or some shit like that. OR he could get the upgraded diploma in a "special memories" wooden shadow box. For reals, yo.

The Captain: It says here you can have your name on your diploma however you want it.
The Kiddo: What does that mean?
Me: It means you can put just your first name and last name, or add your middle name or whatever.
The Captain: I think you should put Danger for your middle name.
The Kiddo: That would be awesome!
Me: I don't think that is a good idea.
The Captain: You're isn't a good idea. It's an AMAZING idea.
The Kiddo: Or how about Dr. Daniel Danger Jones? (not his real name, of course).
Me: Umm, great except you're not a doctor.
The Kiddo: They don't know that.
The Captain: He has a point.
The Kiddo: Wait! Dr. Professor Daniel Danger Jones!
Me: *sigh*
The Captain: Even better.
The Kiddo: MR. Dr. Professor Daniel Danger Jones!!!
The Captain: Too long, maybe.
The Kiddo: Right. Okay, then I'll just do Mr. Dr. Professor Sexy.
The Captain: That's my boy. *sniffle* I'm so proud.

Seriously, I'm totally outnumbered.

UPDATE: It is now 3:08pm and my boob popped out of my shirt at lunch, but only once and it was totally hilarious. Our division won best group contest and I made about 50 jokes about my ship's porthole. Yep, totally getting that raise.


kate said...

Tell Kiddo to go to Kansas State University (especially if he's a fan of the drinkin')...I kind of loved it long time (but not long enough because I was dumb enough to graduate on time).

They seriously give kids in high school that many options for graduation stuff? Dude, get the cheap one. He'll lose it, like, six months after graduation and never think of it again until he reads some lady's blog, like, ten years later and then goes "huh...where the hell IS that thing?!" (not that I lost MY diploma or anything...).

Harna said...

I totally won't love my kids enough to buy them $80 worth of crap they'll never care about either. I'm not even sure where my high school diploma is...

erin said...

My diploma actually has the wrong middle name on it. No shitting either. It says Erin Violet So and So.

I don't know if I was joking around when I filled out my senior year paperwork for school or what. I sort of thought that the asst. principal was fucking with me cause I was always parking in his parking spot all year long. He was such a fucktard. Like calling me out of homeroom to move my car was such a punishment indeed when I was getting the joy of watching his fat ass walk half a mile across the student parking lot.

Mrs. Booms said...

Awww, Mr. Dr. Professor Sexy hasn't gotten so big. sniffle.

I'm pretty sure he should go to a school near where I live so you HAVE to come and see me and drink sangria margaritas with me.

the end.

Mrs. Booms said...

And I meant he HAS gotten so big.

But clearly, I'm slow this week.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I think I still have my tassel and my diploma. Let me know if he wants me to send them to Kiddo. I've never, ever done anything with them, in like, 25 years.
I like Dr. Dick Cummins, but that's just me!

Happy Halloween! Aaarrrgggghhh!!


Cassie said...

Bahaha. Tell him to get the cheapest options because in college they make you pay ridiculous amounts of money for the same stuff. Also, when it is time for him to graduate, there is a card on that says, "Congratulations on getting through the easiest part of your life." Or something like that.

The Peach Tart said...

sounds like a fabulous day

beth said...

i really wish there was a "like" button for blogs like there is on facebook. i would totally "like" this.

Prosy said...

when I was a senior in high school I realized you can get your yearbook engraved with whatever you want- it doesn't have to be your name so mine says "(my name) is sooo HOTT!!!!"
I'm not kidding. I will take a picture if need be

Just.Kate said...

My best friend's diploma has razor cuts in it from her graduation celebration.

Hint: white powder.

I left mine in the backseat of my car and it melted apart in the sun. Then my dog chewed it up.

Que effin sera sera- I threw everything else out so I could date much older men without them finding anything with "Grad 2004!" on it.

Conclusion: $80 well unspent!

Becky Mochaface said...

Yeah, totally have no idea where my high school diploma is right now. And Texas A&M all the way! IJS :-)

kys said...

I have no idea where any of my diplomas are. And that deluxe package sounds like a total rip-off. We all know college is a racket. Sounds like the high schools are trying to get in the game.

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

That sounds like a fun place to work. I like companies that don't take life too freaking seriously.

The diploma options are ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

You have a thing for pirates....

And I wish I had known I could have my name on my diploma however I wanted. I wouldn't have gone to get my Master's then.....

just making my way said...

Additional drunk comments are the best! I wish I was drunk right now.

I definitely won't love my kids $80 worth either. Of course by the time they are ready to graduate it will probably be more like $180. Cause they're young. Not cause they're stupid.

diane said...

If you really don't want to spend a lot of money on kiddo, send him to my local college. It's in a strip mall.
Wish I had been around to see your boob pop out.

Joanna Jenkins said...

What is up with those invitations anyway?!?!? They NEVER change. Mine look the exact same and my grand kid's. WTH!?!

Happy Halloween.