UPDATED: I See A Trip To The ER In My Very Near Future

Captain Carl has been out of town for a few days and Emo has been here all weekend. He told me this morning he doesn't want to go home...I couldn't get a reason out of him, as usual. So all day I've been force feeding him (because he pretends he isn't hungry and doesn't want to eat all our food) and listening to him and the Kiddo laughing hysterically upstairs at whatever they are watching on the computer. I don't want to know.

I finally sent them outside to do some chores because the Kiddo is broke and I won't give him money for gas or dates unless he does something for me. Emo volunteered to help, so they headed out a couple hours ago to pull weeds. For awhile, I could hear them right outside the front window...laughing and flinging dirt at each other.

Then it got quiet. Anyone who has children knows that nothing good can be happening when it's quiet. This is especially true when it's teenage boys.

I was right to be worried. At one point, Emo walked in and asked me for a saw.

Yeah.

Me: I'm afraid to ask....
Emo: We chopped down a huge tree in the backyard!
Me: What????
Kiddo: Don't worry, it was a weed...a really really big weed.
Me: And you need a saw because???
Emo: To saw it up into little pieces so we can throw it over the fence.
Me: You guys are throwing weeds over the fence instead of bagging them?
Kiddo: Yeah. It's easier.
Me: No saw. Ever. Never ever.
Emo: Awww, come on.
Me: Nothing sharp and pointy.
Emo: So, you probably don't want me using this then.

And he pulled out from behind his back some kind of huge hacking saw thing with a handle that he dug out of the garage at some point. Then I had a heart attack. Then I told him to pull weeds with his hands only please.

A couple of minutes ago, they came back inside and said they were done.

Me: You weren't out there very long. What did you do?
Kiddo: Not much.
Me: I'm not paying you for "not much".
Emo: But I did trim your hedges.
Kiddo: That's what she said.
Me: Eeew.
Emo & Kiddo: *hysterical laughter*
Emo: Seriously though. I trimmed them with that saw thing.
Me: The thing I told you not to use?
Emo: Yeah. I just kind of swung wildly at them.
Me: *horrified look* How are my hedges?
Kiddo: They're fine. I almost got cut but...
Me: Oh great!
Kiddo: Chill...I said ALMOST.
Me: Oh well then. I guess I can buy y'all a pizza as a reward for not chopping off a finger.
Emo: Sweet!

sigh

Come home soon, Captain Carl. I miss you and I don't know the way to the hospital.

UPDATE: The Captain just read this post and called to tell me he's pretty sure the hand saw thingy Emo was using was his $60 woodworking saw. Awesome.

And for those who were asking, the hedges look as though a wild animal mangled the tops of them. Good thing I hate those hedges.

And for the person who asked when they should expect their son to start playing with sharp objects from the garage...that pretty much starts the moment they can walk. Just because you haven't caught him doing it doesn't mean he isn't. Boys are so much fun, right? Because you never know when they'll be bleeding or broken or on fire. It's like you're on a game show where the prizes are moments of absolute terror followed by hours of anger and huge medical bills.