Sunday, October 25, 2009

UPDATED: I See A Trip To The ER In My Very Near Future

Captain Carl has been out of town for a few days and Emo has been here all weekend. He told me this morning he doesn't want to go home...I couldn't get a reason out of him, as usual. So all day I've been force feeding him (because he pretends he isn't hungry and doesn't want to eat all our food) and listening to him and the Kiddo laughing hysterically upstairs at whatever they are watching on the computer. I don't want to know.

I finally sent them outside to do some chores because the Kiddo is broke and I won't give him money for gas or dates unless he does something for me. Emo volunteered to help, so they headed out a couple hours ago to pull weeds. For awhile, I could hear them right outside the front window...laughing and flinging dirt at each other.

Then it got quiet. Anyone who has children knows that nothing good can be happening when it's quiet. This is especially true when it's teenage boys.

I was right to be worried. At one point, Emo walked in and asked me for a saw.

Yeah.

Me: I'm afraid to ask....
Emo: We chopped down a huge tree in the backyard!
Me: What????
Kiddo: Don't worry, it was a weed...a really really big weed.
Me: And you need a saw because???
Emo: To saw it up into little pieces so we can throw it over the fence.
Me: You guys are throwing weeds over the fence instead of bagging them?
Kiddo: Yeah. It's easier.
Me: No saw. Ever. Never ever.
Emo: Awww, come on.
Me: Nothing sharp and pointy.
Emo: So, you probably don't want me using this then.

And he pulled out from behind his back some kind of huge hacking saw thing with a handle that he dug out of the garage at some point. Then I had a heart attack. Then I told him to pull weeds with his hands only please.

A couple of minutes ago, they came back inside and said they were done.

Me: You weren't out there very long. What did you do?
Kiddo: Not much.
Me: I'm not paying you for "not much".
Emo: But I did trim your hedges.
Kiddo: That's what she said.
Me: Eeew.
Emo & Kiddo: *hysterical laughter*
Emo: Seriously though. I trimmed them with that saw thing.
Me: The thing I told you not to use?
Emo: Yeah. I just kind of swung wildly at them.
Me: *horrified look* How are my hedges?
Kiddo: They're fine. I almost got cut but...
Me: Oh great!
Kiddo: Chill...I said ALMOST.
Me: Oh well then. I guess I can buy y'all a pizza as a reward for not chopping off a finger.
Emo: Sweet!

sigh

Come home soon, Captain Carl. I miss you and I don't know the way to the hospital.

UPDATE: The Captain just read this post and called to tell me he's pretty sure the hand saw thingy Emo was using was his $60 woodworking saw. Awesome.

And for those who were asking, the hedges look as though a wild animal mangled the tops of them. Good thing I hate those hedges.

And for the person who asked when they should expect their son to start playing with sharp objects from the garage...that pretty much starts the moment they can walk. Just because you haven't caught him doing it doesn't mean he isn't. Boys are so much fun, right? Because you never know when they'll be bleeding or broken or on fire. It's like you're on a game show where the prizes are moments of absolute terror followed by hours of anger and huge medical bills.

15 comments:

Green-Eyed Momster said...

I'd like to see a before and an after picture of your yard and their hard work.
Yikes! I hope Capt. Carl comes home soon! I'm glad that this post title didn't have anything to do with your last post or Renty!! :)

Jugs@@

Linn said...

LMAO at the GEM. I agree. I'm glad this didn't have to do with the last post too.

It's a tough spot to be in when you know somethings going on but don't know what. Hope things are ok for the EMO.

Little Ms Blogger said...

So, when they throw the weeds over the fence are they tossing them in a neighbor's yard?

diane said...

Lots of unanswered questions here. I would have run outside to see what was going on, especially before offering a pizza reward. Do you really want to deal with a p*ssed off neighbor while Captn. Carl's away? Do I sound like an alarmist? I can't help it, I have a son. The memories, my god, the memories!

Joanna Jenkins said...

I'm with GEM-- Picture please :-)
xo

Kristine said...

Oh shit, these days are coming for me, aren't they?
How is a weed EVER similar to a TREE?!

just making my way said...

I'm laughing about the comment that you know there is trouble when things are quiet. SO TRUE!

You have to let us know how the hedges look.

Jules said...

Teenagers making jokes about "trimming hedges" = me not having children.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Boys scare me.

At what age will Cracky start stealing limb-cutting tools from the garage exactly? I need time to prepare.

Prosy said...

so how did those hedges turn out?

kate said...

This is exactly why my parents stopped asking me to do yard work when I was in high school.

Mrs. Booms said...

Next you should pay them to fill bags with water and one penny and then hang them up everywhere.

Kurt said...

I like the funny correlation they drew between hedges and pubic hair. That's a very funny comparison! Because Your Mom!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

I am so excited about having a teenage boy now. Let me get this straight...were you just against the saw for safety purposes or is it actually illegal to give a boy a saw?

Just askin'.

Amy said...

You are so right! After my son left for college and we were cleaning out the basement and the garage we found all sorts of charred spots in both basement and garage. When we asked his sister about it, she said that her brother had a thing for fires and would light one just about anywhere!?! Are you kiddding me? How did we miss this?

It sucks choosing between working and staying home keeping a constant eye on the kids. When I was home with them, we had not two dimes to rub together. When I went to work, I felt like I wasn't doing my job of mothering at all. And, apparently, I was lucky my house didn't burn down!