And That's How I Ended Up With My Fingers Glued Together On A Tuesday Night

So I found this new website. It's called Pinterest. Heard of it? Probably not, on account of how I tend to catch these trends way before everyone else does. I'm pretty sure it was just created in the last couple of months, since that is when I found it. And now I'm telling you guys about it because that's how much I care. You're welcome.

Pinterest is this site where people "pin" pictures of things they like or want. It's basically like a virtual bedroom wall or something. Maybe a bulletin board? Ohmygod...pin. I just got that.

Huh.

So when I first found Pinterest, I didn't get what the big deal was. Sure, it's kind of a good resource if you're looking for a new recipe or a craft to do with your kid or whatever. I pinned a few things and then left the site for weeks.

Then I came back to search for some photography that would inspire me on an upcoming shoot I had scheduled.

It was all downhill from there.

This place. It's like crack for women who secretly want to make their own soap and dress like a bohemian and redecorate their home and do crafts that make their friends hate them for how creative they are and make teeny tiny cakes in recycled tin cans (for real...it's out there).

I couldn't stop. Because if I did, I might miss an adorable kitten photo. Or a gorgeous dress that I could never ever fit into.

Suddenly I realized that I hated every paint color in my house and I must redo everything immediately. I became enamored of chalk paint. What the fuck is chalk paint anyway? I have no fucking idea, but I want that shit. I want to slap it on every goddamn dresser I own. And then I want to distress the shit out of those dressers. Then I want to wrap every single present I ever give ever with lace doilies. And then I want to make all my own household cleaners by simply combining 13 other products that I have to go out and buy but who cares because look! homemade fucking cleaner. And then I want to paint my fingernails with every fucking OPI color on the planet and then take a picture of my hand holding the goddamn bottle of polish.

And then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, I discovered the coffee filter crafts. Oh. Dear. God.

If you haven't seen the coffee filter pins out there, go search for them and prepare to be astounded. You can make wreaths. You can make flowers. You can make wrapping paper. There is no end to the usefulness of the wonder that is the dollar store coffee filter.

Some of the projects looked a little hard for an entry level crafter like me. But I found one that looked to be simple.

The coffee filter lamp shade.



All you have to do is scrunch up a filter, dab a little hot glue on the end and stick it to the lamp shade. Do it over and over until the entire shade is covered and looky there...you got yourself a cute little lamp.

I rushed right out to the dollar store and bought the filters. I grabbed an old lamp that I wasn't using anymore, ripped off the shade and set to work. I was giddy with excitement. In a mere 30 minutes or so, my very first Pinterest craft would be completed! I would take pictures and post them here and give a tutorial for everyone asking me how I did it and I'd be all brag facey and It. Would. Be. Awesome.

Ten minutes and six filters later, I had lost feeling in my fingertips on account of the hot glue gun burns. My filters looked more like wilted lettuce than perky flowers. I realized that at this rate, it would take me three hours to finish the shade. I began to think about the fire hazard that is a lamp shade covered in paper and mere inches from a light bulb. I decided that my lamp base would now need to be painted a cute robins egg blue in order to compliment the frivolity of the shade, which would require another trip to the store and more crafty effort.

I got tired. I sat back in my chair and stared into space.

Fucking Pinterest, I thought.

It was then that I realized I had left the hot glue gun sitting on the bare wood of my office desk. It was leaking glue all over the surface, so I frantically wiped at it with my bare hand. Then the screaming began, followed closely by me yelling "My fingers are stuck together! Help me!". I received nohttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif sympathy from Captain Carl.

"I told you to just buy a new lamp."

And now I am searching Pinterest for ways to resurface a desktop. I'm pretty sure this can only end well.

p.s. You can follow my boards on Pinterest by clicking here. But you don't have to or anything. I mean, whatever. I don't even care.

p.p.s. I'm guest posting over at The Mouthy Housewives today! I'm giving advice to a woman who's upset about how much her husband likes to masturbate. Among other things, I suggested she dress up like Princess Leia in the gold bikini. So yeah, I'm practically a psychologist now.

Snatch Attack 13 – This Time The Mattresses Are Dirty

My sister is moving to Chicago (sob!) and gave Captain Carl and me a couple of her nice mattresses to replace the crappy ones we had left over from some of our previous renters. We decided to give the old mattresses away for free on Craigslist. Below is our text conversation regarding the issue of old mattresses…

Me: I couldn’t help but notice you forgot to put the mattresses on Craigslist this morning.
Him: I’m working on it right now. Lay off.
Me: You forgot, didn’t you.
Him: *sigh* Yes.

15 minutes later

Him: The ad is up. Go look at it. It’s the one that comes with a free cat.
Me: Nice try. I would kill you dead if you gave away my cat.
Me: Looks good…I can’t believe you put your cell number on Craigslist. You’re gonna get creepy sex offenders calling you all day.
Him: Why?
Me: Because they call numbers they find on Craigslist and talk nasty to the people while they whack off.
Him: And you know this how?
Me: I saw it on Dateline once. Or in a dream. One of the those.

10 minutes later

Him: Mattresses are gone. Picking up @ 8:30 tonight.
Me: For real? That was fast.
Him: 15 phone calls and 9 emails in 10 minutes. People are really hurting. It makes my heart sad.
Me: I know. It is so sad. We should count our blessings.

3 minutes later

Me: I bet if you had put “Free Mattress. Formerly belonged to morbidly obese crazy cat hoarder lady.” you wouldn’t have gotten as many calls.
Him: Why would I do that? Who would want a crazy cat lady’s mattress?
Me: Not many people, maybe no one. Which is exactly my point. This is a situation where truth in advertising would be a bad thing.

2 minutes later

Me: Maybe the people that are taking them aren’t actually poor and are just going to use them to film a porno.
Him: ???
Me: And then someday we’ll be watching Snatch Attack 13 and we’ll be all “OMG, that’s our mattress!”
Him: How would we know it was our mattress?
Me: By the stain on the bottom corner from that time Marian left that sub sandwich on the bed for 4 days straight.
Him: I gotta go. I need to get caught up on the first 12 Snatch Attacks.
Me: Let me know how they turn out. I’m guessing Snatch Attacks 1-5 are pretty interesting.
Him: Just 1-5?
Me: Probably after 5 there isn’t much creativity left. There are only so many holes in the human body.

10 minutes later

Him: Just googled it. There is an actual Snatch Attack porno. Have you seen it?
Me: No. I just made it up in my head. Go ahead and act surprised.

Murder Chair: It's A Good Thing

Okay, let's just start this by saying I'm not into modern decor. I like my furnishings to say "Hey, come over here and sink your ass into this big cushy chair. While you're at it, put your feet up on the ottoman and pull this fuzzy blanket over your cold tootsies. Don't mind the cat on your lap...think of her as your personal heater. By the way...are you thirsty? Cause here's a table with a cold drink on it, right next to you. Here, let me hand you the remote and let's watch The Mentalist while Captain Carl cooks us dinner in the kitchen."

Ahhhhhhh.....heaven.

So ummmmm....this chair probably wouldn't fit into my decor.

Yep, that is exactly what you think it is. A blood stain. On an armchair. It's there on purpose. Because it's chic. Or gross. You know, whichever. And it costs $5000. Because hand-embroidered faux blood stains are expensive, yo.

Anybody watch Dexter? I don't because we're poor and can't afford the movie channels. But I hear it's crazy awesome. The chair is a "Dexter chair"....based on the chairs the serial killer dude has in his dining room on the show. Hence the blood stains.

....I'm using the word "chair" a lot in this post. Weird.

Anyway, I think I love this chair. But it could never live in my house....a place filled with cats and teenagers and big, cushy worn-in furniture. I mean, the chair would get all the attention and my other furniture would be jealous. People would walk into my house and be all "Whoa, sweet murder chair!" and I'd be all "I know! Did you see my nice fuzzy couch over here?" and they'd be all "Meh. Hey! Can I sit on the murder chair???" and then my couch would be all "Screw you, bitch. I don't need this shit" and then it's cushion would conveniently slip to reveal my secret stash of chick porn the next time my mother-in-law came over for a visit. You know, in retaliation for the murder chair. Cause my couch is a bitter SOB.

So yeah, maybe no on the bloody murder furniture. It would be fun to put it out on the curb on trash day though, to freak out our nosy redneck neighbors. Fun until the cops show up and arrest me for faking a murder scene or whatever....oh well.

But! I am totally saving up to buy a set of these $600 Dexter murder plates.

How awesome would an over-easy egg look on that in the morning!