Me: Hello?
Him: Hey baby.
*70’s porno music playing*
Me: What the hell is that?
Him: Oh that? Just a little baby makin’ music to start your day off right.
Me: Ummmm…..what?
Him: Okay, so I was on YouTube searching for Eric Stoltz in Back To The Future and…
Me: Wait, Eric Stoltz was in Back To The Future?
Him: No, he was the original Marty and they filmed for like 5 weeks or something and then they replaced him with Michael J. Fox.
Me: No way. How do you know that?
Him: Everyone knows that.
Me: No they don’t.
Him: Everyone but you knows that.
Me: Ohmygod, I’m trying to picture him in that movie and it’s kind of freaking me out.
Him: Why?
Me: There’s no way Eric Stoltz can pull off a puffy vest.
Him: Well anyway, so that’s what I was searching for and you know how it goes on YouTube. You click a link and then watch that video and then click on another link and then watch that video and then click on another link and boom! You find a band that does remakes of 70’s porn soundtracks.
Me: Are you sure you’re not just watching porn?
Him: Not yet.
*more 70’s porno music playing*
Me: Huh. That could be either 70’s porn or 70’s cop show.
Him: Just call me Ponch.
Me: I never realized how versatile that music is. You can chase bad guys or fuck bad guys to that music.
Him: Awesome, right?
Me: All you need is the right moustache and some bell bottoms and you’re good to go for either.
Him: Hell, all I have to do is shave off my goatee and I’ll have the moustache.
Me: I wonder if they make bell bottoms in your size.
Him: *giggling*
Me: What?
Him: Oh, nothing. *more giggling*
Me: *yelling* YOU BETTER NOT HAVE A PORN MOUSTACHE WHEN I GET HOME TONIGHT!
Every Co-worker in my office: *awkward silence*
Me: *whispering* Damn it.
Him: Well, my work here is done.
Showing posts with label I Heart Masturbating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Heart Masturbating. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
Snatch Attack 13 – This Time The Mattresses Are Dirty
My sister is moving to Chicago (sob!) and gave Captain Carl and me a couple of her nice mattresses to replace the crappy ones we had left over from some of our previous renters. We decided to give the old mattresses away for free on Craigslist. Below is our text conversation regarding the issue of old mattresses…
Me: I couldn’t help but notice you forgot to put the mattresses on Craigslist this morning.
Him: I’m working on it right now. Lay off.
Me: You forgot, didn’t you.
Him: *sigh* Yes.
15 minutes later
Him: The ad is up. Go look at it. It’s the one that comes with a free cat.
Me: Nice try. I would kill you dead if you gave away my cat.
Me: Looks good…I can’t believe you put your cell number on Craigslist. You’re gonna get creepy sex offenders calling you all day.
Him: Why?
Me: Because they call numbers they find on Craigslist and talk nasty to the people while they whack off.
Him: And you know this how?
Me: I saw it on Dateline once. Or in a dream. One of the those.
10 minutes later
Him: Mattresses are gone. Picking up @ 8:30 tonight.
Me: For real? That was fast.
Him: 15 phone calls and 9 emails in 10 minutes. People are really hurting. It makes my heart sad.
Me: I know. It is so sad. We should count our blessings.
3 minutes later
Me: I bet if you had put “Free Mattress. Formerly belonged to morbidly obese crazy cat hoarder lady.” you wouldn’t have gotten as many calls.
Him: Why would I do that? Who would want a crazy cat lady’s mattress?
Me: Not many people, maybe no one. Which is exactly my point. This is a situation where truth in advertising would be a bad thing.
2 minutes later
Me: Maybe the people that are taking them aren’t actually poor and are just going to use them to film a porno.
Him: ???
Me: And then someday we’ll be watching Snatch Attack 13 and we’ll be all “OMG, that’s our mattress!”
Him: How would we know it was our mattress?
Me: By the stain on the bottom corner from that time Marian left that sub sandwich on the bed for 4 days straight.
Him: I gotta go. I need to get caught up on the first 12 Snatch Attacks.
Me: Let me know how they turn out. I’m guessing Snatch Attacks 1-5 are pretty interesting.
Him: Just 1-5?
Me: Probably after 5 there isn’t much creativity left. There are only so many holes in the human body.
10 minutes later
Him: Just googled it. There is an actual Snatch Attack porno. Have you seen it?
Me: No. I just made it up in my head. Go ahead and act surprised.
Me: I couldn’t help but notice you forgot to put the mattresses on Craigslist this morning.
Him: I’m working on it right now. Lay off.
Me: You forgot, didn’t you.
Him: *sigh* Yes.
15 minutes later
Him: The ad is up. Go look at it. It’s the one that comes with a free cat.
Me: Nice try. I would kill you dead if you gave away my cat.
Me: Looks good…I can’t believe you put your cell number on Craigslist. You’re gonna get creepy sex offenders calling you all day.
Him: Why?
Me: Because they call numbers they find on Craigslist and talk nasty to the people while they whack off.
Him: And you know this how?
Me: I saw it on Dateline once. Or in a dream. One of the those.
10 minutes later
Him: Mattresses are gone. Picking up @ 8:30 tonight.
Me: For real? That was fast.
Him: 15 phone calls and 9 emails in 10 minutes. People are really hurting. It makes my heart sad.
Me: I know. It is so sad. We should count our blessings.
3 minutes later
Me: I bet if you had put “Free Mattress. Formerly belonged to morbidly obese crazy cat hoarder lady.” you wouldn’t have gotten as many calls.
Him: Why would I do that? Who would want a crazy cat lady’s mattress?
Me: Not many people, maybe no one. Which is exactly my point. This is a situation where truth in advertising would be a bad thing.
2 minutes later
Me: Maybe the people that are taking them aren’t actually poor and are just going to use them to film a porno.
Him: ???
Me: And then someday we’ll be watching Snatch Attack 13 and we’ll be all “OMG, that’s our mattress!”
Him: How would we know it was our mattress?
Me: By the stain on the bottom corner from that time Marian left that sub sandwich on the bed for 4 days straight.
Him: I gotta go. I need to get caught up on the first 12 Snatch Attacks.
Me: Let me know how they turn out. I’m guessing Snatch Attacks 1-5 are pretty interesting.
Him: Just 1-5?
Me: Probably after 5 there isn’t much creativity left. There are only so many holes in the human body.
10 minutes later
Him: Just googled it. There is an actual Snatch Attack porno. Have you seen it?
Me: No. I just made it up in my head. Go ahead and act surprised.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I Wish I Could Blame This On Being Drunk, But I Do It When I'm Sober Too
I just won three 2011 Boomerang awards over at Studio30+. THREE! I won funniest blogger, best blog title and best female blog. I feel a little guilty on account of me bribing y'all with sex toys for votes, but not enough to give the awards to someone else. Hell no! I'm flaunting those babies all over this motherfucker. Thanks to everyone who voted for me. I hope you win the sex toy giveaway, or at least have some sex or something to make you feel like it was worth your vote.
So we played tennis last weekend with Mailman Mike and his girlfriend. Then we decided to get drunk and sing karaoke, because of course we did. Captain Carl and I did a very special version of the best Earth Wind & Fire song ever made. And since we were still wearing our tennis gear and already sweaty from working out, I decided to bust out some of my sweet dance moves too.
And now I've decided to share that moment with y'all. Consider it my acceptance speech for my Boomerang awards.
Boom. Talent explosion. Right here.
p.s. I don't know how to fix this so it doesn't cut off the right side of the video. It's not like I'm married to a web designer or anything. Oh wait, I am married to a web designer. Meh. Whatever.
p.p.s. Don't forget to enter my EdenFantasys giveaway. It ends on Friday at 6pm and I'm gonna be pissed if I don't get more entries because I spent like, 5 hours reading the kinky stories on their website in preparation for this and shut up, it was totally for research purposes only because I like to be thoroughly informed for my blog giveaways.
So we played tennis last weekend with Mailman Mike and his girlfriend. Then we decided to get drunk and sing karaoke, because of course we did. Captain Carl and I did a very special version of the best Earth Wind & Fire song ever made. And since we were still wearing our tennis gear and already sweaty from working out, I decided to bust out some of my sweet dance moves too.
And now I've decided to share that moment with y'all. Consider it my acceptance speech for my Boomerang awards.
Boom. Talent explosion. Right here.
p.s. I don't know how to fix this so it doesn't cut off the right side of the video. It's not like I'm married to a web designer or anything. Oh wait, I am married to a web designer. Meh. Whatever.
p.p.s. Don't forget to enter my EdenFantasys giveaway. It ends on Friday at 6pm and I'm gonna be pissed if I don't get more entries because I spent like, 5 hours reading the kinky stories on their website in preparation for this and shut up, it was totally for research purposes only because I like to be thoroughly informed for my blog giveaways.
Friday, January 28, 2011
I'm Talking Sexy Talk In Here. I'm Also Talking Giveaway. And Laser Cats! Pew Pew! Also, One Of These Things Is Not True.
First of all, if you were hoping that I would be talking about laser cats in this post, you are about to be sorely disappointed, my sad sad friend.
Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Women everywhere are fantasizing about what amazing presents they will get from their significant other. And men are...well, they aren't thinking about it at all and let's face it, they won't until maybe February 13 if you're lucky.
Because I'm a woman (hells yeah I am! *sensual self boob honk*), my thoughts have already gone to the place where even the most strong of men fear to tread. That's right, romance town. Oh, how I love romance town. It's that magical place where ladies come home from work to find a trail of rose petals to the bedroom, where their men are waiting with a bubble bath, candles, champagne and a ready-for-cunnilingus face and maybe there are some flowers there and rainbows with unicorns frolicking under them. Also, all the men are George Clooney.
But ladies, let's get real here. How can we expect our men to go all out in the romance department when a) they aren't built to remember to do shit like that and b) we don't usually reciprocate. And by "reciprocate", I mean "give up that kinky, hot, stinky sex they really really like but you only want to do every so often because that position makes your stomach all squishy and sometimes makes you fart for some reason, which is weird because who knew The Reverse Mambo would have that effect? "
And this is where my good friends at EdenFantasys come in. Pay attention. Go to this website. Go there now. Buy something sexy to wear, or something kinky to watch, or something penis-shaped to put in your box. Ha, that kind of rhymed. Watch and box. I'm awesome.
Seriously though, every relationship (especially long-term ones) can use a little spicing up. Don't feel comfortable with a dildo? Then maybe try a sexy outfit instead. Or order an erotic book and read to each other. And if you're single? Oh damn girl, please do yourself a favor and order a vibrator and then use it on Valentine's Day while watching George Clooney in that movie with the two chicks and he's on an airplane a lot and I think maybe he sleeps with one of the chicks or something? and then you can be all "I don't need no stinking man except to maybe open a pickle jar once in awhile and even then not really because I hate pickles!".
It'll be awesome, is what I'm saying.
Here's the other cool thing about EdenFantasys. They have this online community with reviews, forums and my favorite, Sexis, where you can find great articles about all kinds of sexy sex stuff and funny sex stuff and you get the idea. Plus The Bloggess writes there, so you know it has to be kick ass.
Just go over there and check it out, okay? Because something awesome is happening right here and you need to be familiar with their products...just in case you win.
That's right, I'm having a SEX TOY GIVEAWAY. Just like I promised. EdenFantasys has generously offered a $50 gift certificate to be used at their website for one winner here at Yo-Mama's Blog. Okay, so it isn't specifically a sex toy giveaway...I'm just assuming that is what you will pick to order with your gift certificate because that is exactly what I would do. And the giveaway isn't just for my sexy lady readers. I'm an equal opportunity sex toy giveaway-er, so you dudes hanging around here for the sensual boob honks should enter too.
Anyway, here's what you have to do to be eligible to win:
That's it. One winner will be chosen at random on Friday, February 4, to win the $50 EdenFantasys gift certificate.
Good luck, bitches!
Okay, so Valentine's Day is coming up soon. Women everywhere are fantasizing about what amazing presents they will get from their significant other. And men are...well, they aren't thinking about it at all and let's face it, they won't until maybe February 13 if you're lucky.
Because I'm a woman (hells yeah I am! *sensual self boob honk*), my thoughts have already gone to the place where even the most strong of men fear to tread. That's right, romance town. Oh, how I love romance town. It's that magical place where ladies come home from work to find a trail of rose petals to the bedroom, where their men are waiting with a bubble bath, candles, champagne and a ready-for-cunnilingus face and maybe there are some flowers there and rainbows with unicorns frolicking under them. Also, all the men are George Clooney.
But ladies, let's get real here. How can we expect our men to go all out in the romance department when a) they aren't built to remember to do shit like that and b) we don't usually reciprocate. And by "reciprocate", I mean "give up that kinky, hot, stinky sex they really really like but you only want to do every so often because that position makes your stomach all squishy and sometimes makes you fart for some reason, which is weird because who knew The Reverse Mambo would have that effect? "
And this is where my good friends at EdenFantasys come in. Pay attention. Go to this website. Go there now. Buy something sexy to wear, or something kinky to watch, or something penis-shaped to put in your box. Ha, that kind of rhymed. Watch and box. I'm awesome.
Seriously though, every relationship (especially long-term ones) can use a little spicing up. Don't feel comfortable with a dildo? Then maybe try a sexy outfit instead. Or order an erotic book and read to each other. And if you're single? Oh damn girl, please do yourself a favor and order a vibrator and then use it on Valentine's Day while watching George Clooney in that movie with the two chicks and he's on an airplane a lot and I think maybe he sleeps with one of the chicks or something? and then you can be all "I don't need no stinking man except to maybe open a pickle jar once in awhile and even then not really because I hate pickles!".
It'll be awesome, is what I'm saying.
Here's the other cool thing about EdenFantasys. They have this online community with reviews, forums and my favorite, Sexis, where you can find great articles about all kinds of sexy sex stuff and funny sex stuff and you get the idea. Plus The Bloggess writes there, so you know it has to be kick ass.
Just go over there and check it out, okay? Because something awesome is happening right here and you need to be familiar with their products...just in case you win.
That's right, I'm having a SEX TOY GIVEAWAY. Just like I promised. EdenFantasys has generously offered a $50 gift certificate to be used at their website for one winner here at Yo-Mama's Blog. Okay, so it isn't specifically a sex toy giveaway...I'm just assuming that is what you will pick to order with your gift certificate because that is exactly what I would do. And the giveaway isn't just for my sexy lady readers. I'm an equal opportunity sex toy giveaway-er, so you dudes hanging around here for the sensual boob honks should enter too.
Anyway, here's what you have to do to be eligible to win:
- Leave a comment here with the item you would buy at EdenFantasys if you win.
- Become a follower of Yo-Mama's Blog, if you aren't already.
- Mention my giveaway in a post on your own blog with a link to this post.
- Tweet about my giveaway with a link to this post.
That's it. One winner will be chosen at random on Friday, February 4, to win the $50 EdenFantasys gift certificate.
Good luck, bitches!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Too Much Sexy
Is it just me, or is that dude in the red bandana super hot? Me: *blow drying hair* Good morning!
Captain Carl: *blinking* Mmmhhmmm...
Me: Still sleepy?
Captain Carl: *yawning*
Me: Come here, you.
Captain Carl: What?
Me: Just get over here. *slaps ass* You're looking sexy this morning.
Captain Carl: Seriously? *peers at self in mirror* I still have cpap mask marks on my face.
Me: I know. Rawr!
Captain Carl: *staring* Are you okay?
Me: Oh yeah, baby. I'm more than okay. *sexy eyebrow waggle*
Captain Carl: Wait, what day is it?
Me: It's Wednesday. And you know what that means...
Captain Carl: Ummm...
Me: It's time for business time.
Captain Carl: You're quoting Flight of the Conchords? At 6:30 in the morning?
Me: You know it. Check this out. *jumps up and down* Huh? *looks down at chest* Daddy like?
Captain Carl: You got your period this morning, didn't you.
Me: *stops jumping* No.
Captain Carl: Yes.
Me: Did not!
Captain Carl: You did. I know because you always get horny when it starts.
Me: What? Shut up, I do not.
Captain Carl: *raises eyebrows*
Me: Fine. Whatever. You just killed my sex buzz.
Captain Carl: Every month.
Me: Blah blah blah. Go away, buzz killer.
Captain Carl: I'll make you a smoothie for breakfast.
Me: Could you do it shirtless?
Captain Carl: No.
Me: And maybe wear those jeans I like?
Captain Carl: No.
Me: Come on! I have cramps. Be nice to me!
Captain Carl: No.
Me: Maybe just flash me some nip out the window when I leave for work then?
Captain Carl: Fine, but just one.
And he totally did it, y'all. The man gets me. Kind of scary, huh?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Harry = No Vibrator Necessary
So I don't know if any of you are watching American Idol this year. I am. Barely. Because, snore. The best one is a girl who looks like she just set down her bong before walking on stage, so imagine how lively that one is. She's all "whoa, I'm totally singing. That dude has an English accent. Far out." or something. I don't know, I'm not up on all the pot lingo.
But anyway, I have to at least listen to it in the background every week because Captain Carl is all gay for this show. Seriously, dude can't miss it. I'm pretty sure he'd go down on Ryan Seacrest if it were a real option. Hahaaaa, just kidding! Kind of.
But dudes. This week. Harry Connick Jr. was the mentor. Those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile might remember that Harry and I have a pretty serious relationship going on.So yeah, I was all clappy and jumpy when I found out he was going to be on American Idol. We watched both episodes last night on the dvr so that we din't have to sit through the commercials and Kara's annoying ass comments.
I was all a-quiver with excitement. I made it through Tuesday night's episode with only a couple outbursts of undying love for my Harry. But then we watched Wednesday night's episode. Harry sang and for some reason my thighs just would not stay together. *shrug*
Me: *sigh* Oh Harry, you gorgeous gorgeous man.
Captain: *eye roll*
Me: *ecstatic shiver*
Captain: You okay over there?
Me: Ohhhh yeah.
Captain: Hey...
Me: Shhhh, just wait a couple minutes. *turns volume up*
Captain: You know...
Me: *turns volume up more*
Captain: *yelling* Maybe you should go get your vibrator!
Me: *pointed stare* Not necessary.
Seriously, people. The man's voice is clit-tastic. He's the clit's meow. He's a member of the clitorazzi. Totally vulvular. Vag-errific. Deserving of a standing ovary-ation.
Okay I'm done.
But anyway, I have to at least listen to it in the background every week because Captain Carl is all gay for this show. Seriously, dude can't miss it. I'm pretty sure he'd go down on Ryan Seacrest if it were a real option. Hahaaaa, just kidding! Kind of.
But dudes. This week. Harry Connick Jr. was the mentor. Those of you who have been reading my blog for awhile might remember that Harry and I have a pretty serious relationship going on.So yeah, I was all clappy and jumpy when I found out he was going to be on American Idol. We watched both episodes last night on the dvr so that we din't have to sit through the commercials and Kara's annoying ass comments.
I was all a-quiver with excitement. I made it through Tuesday night's episode with only a couple outbursts of undying love for my Harry. But then we watched Wednesday night's episode. Harry sang and for some reason my thighs just would not stay together. *shrug*
Me: *sigh* Oh Harry, you gorgeous gorgeous man.
Captain: *eye roll*
Me: *ecstatic shiver*
Captain: You okay over there?
Me: Ohhhh yeah.
Captain: Hey...
Me: Shhhh, just wait a couple minutes. *turns volume up*
Captain: You know...
Me: *turns volume up more*
Captain: *yelling* Maybe you should go get your vibrator!
Me: *pointed stare* Not necessary.
Seriously, people. The man's voice is clit-tastic. He's the clit's meow. He's a member of the clitorazzi. Totally vulvular. Vag-errific. Deserving of a standing ovary-ation.
Okay I'm done.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I Never Did Find Where They Were Having The Kegger
So my parents have a pretty sweet deal living at this retirement village in Arizona. It's like college for old people. Seriously. Walk down the street anytime of the day and you'll find at least one drunk geezer. And if there's one, there are at least three more not too far from him. Because they travel in packs there. And if you walk by during happy hour, you will be invited to sit down and have a cocktail and maybe some snacks and maybe someone accidentally spills a drink on you and maybe someone else accidentally drops their napkin and could you pick that up for me sugar? it's just so hard to bend over that far.
Also? Bicycles everywhere. The clubhouse has about ten bike racks and during peak tennis/shuffleboard hours, they are filled to capacity. And holy fuck, the golf carts. And they're all driven by dirty old men chewing on cigars with a can of Miller in one hand and the other on their little golf cart horns that they beep at all the women they pass. And when they see a woman under the age of 50? Holy hell. You haven't lived until you've been hit on by a guy with a walker wearing black knee socks with sandals.
I think my favorite part of this place is the spy cameras. Only they don't call them spy cameras, they call them "surveillance cameras" but whatever because everyone has three channels on their tv that show the cameras at the entrance to the village and at the tennis and shuffleboard courts and at the swimming pool. I found out about them after the first night I went swimming. I came back home and my mom was all "I saw you doing laps!" and I was all "How? You weren't there" and she was all "I saw you on tv" and she showed me the channels and I was all "Holy shit, how could I have been here two days already and not know about this!". Because hello? awesome!
And I know the gossipy old ladies totally use the spy cameras to see what's what. One of them is all "Let's go down and play shuffleboard, Betty" and the other one is all "Let's see who's there first" and then they turn on channel 4 and they're all "Oh hell no, that bitch Doris is playing. I am not playing with her, she makes terrible deviled eggs and she wore a shirt last week to bingo night that showed way too much cleavage".
Yeah, so every night I would sit and watch the spy cameras and my mom was all "You don't even know who those people are!" and I was all "Ssshhhh, I'm busy spying". I kept hoping I'd catch someone having sex in the hot tub. The closest I got was some guy who looked like he was masturbating for a minute but it turned out he was just having a seizure. Meh.
Also? Bicycles everywhere. The clubhouse has about ten bike racks and during peak tennis/shuffleboard hours, they are filled to capacity. And holy fuck, the golf carts. And they're all driven by dirty old men chewing on cigars with a can of Miller in one hand and the other on their little golf cart horns that they beep at all the women they pass. And when they see a woman under the age of 50? Holy hell. You haven't lived until you've been hit on by a guy with a walker wearing black knee socks with sandals.
I think my favorite part of this place is the spy cameras. Only they don't call them spy cameras, they call them "surveillance cameras" but whatever because everyone has three channels on their tv that show the cameras at the entrance to the village and at the tennis and shuffleboard courts and at the swimming pool. I found out about them after the first night I went swimming. I came back home and my mom was all "I saw you doing laps!" and I was all "How? You weren't there" and she was all "I saw you on tv" and she showed me the channels and I was all "Holy shit, how could I have been here two days already and not know about this!". Because hello? awesome!
And I know the gossipy old ladies totally use the spy cameras to see what's what. One of them is all "Let's go down and play shuffleboard, Betty" and the other one is all "Let's see who's there first" and then they turn on channel 4 and they're all "Oh hell no, that bitch Doris is playing. I am not playing with her, she makes terrible deviled eggs and she wore a shirt last week to bingo night that showed way too much cleavage".
Yeah, so every night I would sit and watch the spy cameras and my mom was all "You don't even know who those people are!" and I was all "Ssshhhh, I'm busy spying". I kept hoping I'd catch someone having sex in the hot tub. The closest I got was some guy who looked like he was masturbating for a minute but it turned out he was just having a seizure. Meh.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Nothing Gets Me Hotter Than A Hairy Man Wearing A Cravat
I read the sex scenes in romance novels at the public library to determine which one I'm going to check out.
True story.
Right now I'm reading a dirty version of Pride and Prejudice. For reals.
I'm having a hard time deciding which Mr. Darcy I want to picture while reading the naughty parts....
The original....very Firthy.
Or the latest version...very yummy and hairy and Englishy.
Hot, right??? Like the grown-up woman's version of Edward and Jacob. I mean, all I need is to see one of them with vampire fangs and I'll orgasm all over this computer.
Hmmm. Which takes longer to rip off...a cravat or high-waisted man pants??
Psssst, Captain Carl....since I'm out of town for a few days, could you maybe grow your hair out a little and pick up an overcoat and a beseeching look by the time I get home? Just wonderin'...no reason, really.
ahem.
Hot, right??? Like the grown-up woman's version of Edward and Jacob. I mean, all I need is to see one of them with vampire fangs and I'll orgasm all over this computer.
Hmmm. Which takes longer to rip off...a cravat or high-waisted man pants??
Psssst, Captain Carl....since I'm out of town for a few days, could you maybe grow your hair out a little and pick up an overcoat and a beseeching look by the time I get home? Just wonderin'...no reason, really.
ahem.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I Had No Idea Werewolves Were So Kinky
I've been at my day job for seven years now. I sit at a desk and type and write and try hard not to fall asleep. I have a point here and it is this: I am awesome. I have another point and it is that my job is boring.
But I've come up with a really good way to keep myself entertained while looking hard at work and also awake. I check out audio books at the library and listen to them all day. I get to work at 7:30am and by 8:00am I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to a story.
This week I've been listening to a book about a vampire hunter and vampires and werewolves and no it's not Twilight because I'm a grown woman and I don't read teen romance novels and I prefer more mature reading material and also I've already read it like four times.
So on Monday, I bring the cd's and put the first one in and I'm all listening and working and literally five minutes into the story, there's a three-way. For reals. Between a werewolf, a werepanther and a vampire hunter. And there's no warning at all that a big mystical creature/human sex scene is coming up. Nope, not one little hint. One minute the characters are sitting at the kitchen table talking about the werewolf's father dying and I'm all "Hmm, could be an interesting book. Let me just file this paperwork over here..." and then the lady reading the book is all "I lay across the kitchen table and spread my legs. Gary held my hands above my head while Larry ripped my shirt open" and I'm all "Wha????" and the lady is all "Gary pushed his throbbing member against my thigh" and that's when I ripped off my earbuds and looked around frantically to make sure nobody in the office could hear what I just heard.
I knew I had the earbuds on and I knew they were plugged into the computer. But when an unexpected spoken-word orgy breaks out in your cubicle, you get a little paranoid that maybe somehow everyone heard it. So I double checked that the jack thingy was plugged in all the way into the computer and then I started up the cd again and listened without the earbuds to make sure there was no way at all it could be heard by anyone else.
Once I decided it was safe to listen, I backed up the cd and started the chapter over again because hello! Miss Yvonne does not skip a sex scene. Especially a sex scene involving weremen named Gary and Larry. Who the hell names a werewolf Gary, anyway? Shouldn't he be named something like Constantine or Valentino or Dolf? And don't even get me started on Larry.
So there I am at 9:30am, sitting in my cubicle, staring at my computer pretending to be reading an important email....but actually listening to what was turning out to be a pretty hot description of a three-way. I felt dirty and naughty. So naturally I called Captain Carl....
Me: *whispering* Guess what I'm doing?
CC: Filing your TPS report?
Me: I'm listening to a three-way!
CC: Are you working in a brothel now and haven't told me?
Me: No no no...it's a spoken word three-way!
CC: Okay, explain please.
Me: I'm listening to an audio book and...
CC: Nerd alert!
Me: ....and there's a really graphic sex scene and I'm nervous someone is going to catch me listening to it and I'm starting to get turned on!
CC: Oh reaaallly?
Me: Well it's really sexy!
CC: Sooo, wanna meet up for lunch???
Me: OHMYGOD, NOW SHE'S GETTING IT FROM BOTH ENDS!
Old Gay Guy In My Office: Ohhh, you GO girl!
Me: I think I forgot to whisper that last part....
But I've come up with a really good way to keep myself entertained while looking hard at work and also awake. I check out audio books at the library and listen to them all day. I get to work at 7:30am and by 8:00am I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to a story.
This week I've been listening to a book about a vampire hunter and vampires and werewolves and no it's not Twilight because I'm a grown woman and I don't read teen romance novels and I prefer more mature reading material and also I've already read it like four times.
So on Monday, I bring the cd's and put the first one in and I'm all listening and working and literally five minutes into the story, there's a three-way. For reals. Between a werewolf, a werepanther and a vampire hunter. And there's no warning at all that a big mystical creature/human sex scene is coming up. Nope, not one little hint. One minute the characters are sitting at the kitchen table talking about the werewolf's father dying and I'm all "Hmm, could be an interesting book. Let me just file this paperwork over here..." and then the lady reading the book is all "I lay across the kitchen table and spread my legs. Gary held my hands above my head while Larry ripped my shirt open" and I'm all "Wha????" and the lady is all "Gary pushed his throbbing member against my thigh" and that's when I ripped off my earbuds and looked around frantically to make sure nobody in the office could hear what I just heard.
I knew I had the earbuds on and I knew they were plugged into the computer. But when an unexpected spoken-word orgy breaks out in your cubicle, you get a little paranoid that maybe somehow everyone heard it. So I double checked that the jack thingy was plugged in all the way into the computer and then I started up the cd again and listened without the earbuds to make sure there was no way at all it could be heard by anyone else.
Once I decided it was safe to listen, I backed up the cd and started the chapter over again because hello! Miss Yvonne does not skip a sex scene. Especially a sex scene involving weremen named Gary and Larry. Who the hell names a werewolf Gary, anyway? Shouldn't he be named something like Constantine or Valentino or Dolf? And don't even get me started on Larry.
So there I am at 9:30am, sitting in my cubicle, staring at my computer pretending to be reading an important email....but actually listening to what was turning out to be a pretty hot description of a three-way. I felt dirty and naughty. So naturally I called Captain Carl....
Me: *whispering* Guess what I'm doing?
CC: Filing your TPS report?
Me: I'm listening to a three-way!
CC: Are you working in a brothel now and haven't told me?
Me: No no no...it's a spoken word three-way!
CC: Okay, explain please.
Me: I'm listening to an audio book and...
CC: Nerd alert!
Me: ....and there's a really graphic sex scene and I'm nervous someone is going to catch me listening to it and I'm starting to get turned on!
CC: Oh reaaallly?
Me: Well it's really sexy!
CC: Sooo, wanna meet up for lunch???
Me: OHMYGOD, NOW SHE'S GETTING IT FROM BOTH ENDS!
Old Gay Guy In My Office: Ohhh, you GO girl!
Me: I think I forgot to whisper that last part....
Is it possible to get fired for listening to porn?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Party In My Pants, Everybody's Coming.
A couple weeks ago I won a little somethin' somethin' over at Zipbag of Vagina Toys, I mean Bones. After winning, I received an email from some guy named Drew and he was all "Congratulations blah blah blah winning the bnaughty blah blah blah Eden Fantasys blah blah blah I have a weird shoe fetish blah blah blah"*.
So I wrote back to him and I was all "Who are you? blah blah blah how do you know I won a sex toy? blah blah blah sick perverted blogger stalker blah blah blah do patent leather mary jane's do anything for you?"
Drew wrote back and explained that he works for Eden Fantasys and since that is pretty much a dream job....hello, he's surrounded by triple clit flickers and anal lubes all day long...I decided he must be an okay guy. Or a sex addict. I'm fine with either.
Then Drew asked if I'd like to do some reviews for Eden Fantasys and I was all "My panties are wet just thinking about it" and then he didn't write back so I figured I really offended him but then I got an email from my mom and she was all "I hope you meant to send that information to your husband and not me" and then I realized I might have made a mistake, so I went ahead and emailed Drew again and this time I was all "Yes please." And then I tried calling my mom about ten times and it went straight to voicemail every time.
Weird.
So here I am, doing my first sexy time review. Get ready to tingle, people.
I received my bnaughty about four days after I won the giveaway, although it seemed like four weeks to me due to all the anticipation my private parts were feeling. Captain Carl called me at work and was all "Guess what came (hee hee) in the mail today?" and I was all "IS IT MY CLIT ROCKET????" and the Captain was all "Yeah, ummm...aren't you at work right now?" and that's when I realized I yelled the part about the clit and the rocket and my office was now completely silent except for the old gay guy in the corner who was all "Oh you GO girl!". It's amazing that I've managed to keep a job this long, honestly.
My first test drive with the bnaughty was a solo mission. Captain Carl was away for a couple of days, so out came (hee hee) the batteries and well...you know...some vibrating went on and things turned out very nicely for me. I involved the Captain the next go-round. I enjoyed not having to use my hands and he enjoyed having a remote control to play with. Seriously, what is it with men and remotes?
I would consider the bnaughty to be a gentle little vibrator....a very nice treat for your happy places. It also doubles as a hilarious microphone to sing "Let's Get It On" into when you are slightly tipsy after drinking three glasses of wine and trying to seduce your husband. I told Drew that they should totally put that in the description, but he was all "I'm not sure blah blah blah not really what we're trying to convey blah blah blah are your feet a size 8 or 9?"**
Oh, and they also carry my favorite vibrator on their website too. They call it a hitachi magic wand but I call it my "5 second orgasm-er". Every single time, ladies. Perfect when you want to get off and get on with it.
P.S. Drew told me he didn't need to read my review before I posted it. I bet he's totally regretting that decision right about now.
*I might have made this part up.
**I could have possible made this part up also.
So I wrote back to him and I was all "Who are you? blah blah blah how do you know I won a sex toy? blah blah blah sick perverted blogger stalker blah blah blah do patent leather mary jane's do anything for you?"
Drew wrote back and explained that he works for Eden Fantasys and since that is pretty much a dream job....hello, he's surrounded by triple clit flickers and anal lubes all day long...I decided he must be an okay guy. Or a sex addict. I'm fine with either.
Then Drew asked if I'd like to do some reviews for Eden Fantasys and I was all "My panties are wet just thinking about it" and then he didn't write back so I figured I really offended him but then I got an email from my mom and she was all "I hope you meant to send that information to your husband and not me" and then I realized I might have made a mistake, so I went ahead and emailed Drew again and this time I was all "Yes please." And then I tried calling my mom about ten times and it went straight to voicemail every time.
Weird.
So here I am, doing my first sexy time review. Get ready to tingle, people.
I received my bnaughty about four days after I won the giveaway, although it seemed like four weeks to me due to all the anticipation my private parts were feeling. Captain Carl called me at work and was all "Guess what came (hee hee) in the mail today?" and I was all "IS IT MY CLIT ROCKET????" and the Captain was all "Yeah, ummm...aren't you at work right now?" and that's when I realized I yelled the part about the clit and the rocket and my office was now completely silent except for the old gay guy in the corner who was all "Oh you GO girl!". It's amazing that I've managed to keep a job this long, honestly.
My first test drive with the bnaughty was a solo mission. Captain Carl was away for a couple of days, so out came (hee hee) the batteries and well...you know...some vibrating went on and things turned out very nicely for me. I involved the Captain the next go-round. I enjoyed not having to use my hands and he enjoyed having a remote control to play with. Seriously, what is it with men and remotes?
I would consider the bnaughty to be a gentle little vibrator....a very nice treat for your happy places. It also doubles as a hilarious microphone to sing "Let's Get It On" into when you are slightly tipsy after drinking three glasses of wine and trying to seduce your husband. I told Drew that they should totally put that in the description, but he was all "I'm not sure blah blah blah not really what we're trying to convey blah blah blah are your feet a size 8 or 9?"**
Oh, and they also carry my favorite vibrator on their website too. They call it a hitachi magic wand but I call it my "5 second orgasm-er". Every single time, ladies. Perfect when you want to get off and get on with it.
P.S. Drew told me he didn't need to read my review before I posted it. I bet he's totally regretting that decision right about now.
*I might have made this part up.
**I could have possible made this part up also.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Gods Masturbate, Right?
UPDATED to fix my incorrect use of an apostrophe in my blog title...you're welcome miss. chief. I'm coming over to your blog to karate chop you in the face now. I hope you're happy.
I'm just killing time up in here waiting for my awesome new clit massager to arrive in the mail. I've decided to fantasize about Cat the first time I use it, in honor of her giveaway that made it all possible. That's hot, right? Because she's a girl and I'm a girl and a girl-on-girl fantasy inside a girl's head is super sexy, especially when it's about going shopping together and ohmygod those shoes are super cute and maybe getting a pretzel at the mall and also french fries at McDonald's on our way home because we're sooo sooo naughty.
So guess what, y'all? I'm a god. Shut up, I am so! I so totally am. Nikki over at This Genius is Insane wrote a whole blog post about me being a god. I'm not capitalizing the word "god" because there's still a little bit of Lutheran still stuck in me, plus if my mom ever finds this blog (I will totally cut you if you tell her about it) I know the first thing she'll be upset about is all the swearing but the second thing will be that I called myself a capital G god. I did capitalize it in my blog title, but that's just because it's good grammar.
Nikki also gave me this award:
She created it just for me. All I can say is you're totally awesome and I love you and your blog and thanks for comparing me to chocolate covered strawberries eaten off of Johnny Depp's abdomen. Also why is that guy not sucking on one of those nipples in that room? Seriously, what a waste.
Two more days left to enter my giveaway, bitches!
I'm just killing time up in here waiting for my awesome new clit massager to arrive in the mail. I've decided to fantasize about Cat the first time I use it, in honor of her giveaway that made it all possible. That's hot, right? Because she's a girl and I'm a girl and a girl-on-girl fantasy inside a girl's head is super sexy, especially when it's about going shopping together and ohmygod those shoes are super cute and maybe getting a pretzel at the mall and also french fries at McDonald's on our way home because we're sooo sooo naughty.
So guess what, y'all? I'm a god. Shut up, I am so! I so totally am. Nikki over at This Genius is Insane wrote a whole blog post about me being a god. I'm not capitalizing the word "god" because there's still a little bit of Lutheran still stuck in me, plus if my mom ever finds this blog (I will totally cut you if you tell her about it) I know the first thing she'll be upset about is all the swearing but the second thing will be that I called myself a capital G god. I did capitalize it in my blog title, but that's just because it's good grammar.
Nikki also gave me this award:
She created it just for me. All I can say is you're totally awesome and I love you and your blog and thanks for comparing me to chocolate covered strawberries eaten off of Johnny Depp's abdomen. Also why is that guy not sucking on one of those nipples in that room? Seriously, what a waste.Two more days left to enter my giveaway, bitches!
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