Tuesday, January 18, 2011

If I Win, You Will Get Sex Toys

Remember how when you were in high school and you really wanted to be part of the popular group, so you started dressing like them and doing your hair like them and following their group through the hallways between classes, inching closer and closer every day and laughing every time they laughed even though you couldn't hear what they were talking about? And then you started dating the best friend of the most popular girl's boyfriend so that you pretty much had to be admitted into the group via tongue kissing and bad hand jobs? And then Homecoming week came and you prayed to baby Jesus that you would just get nominated for queen, because you knew Heidi was totally going to win no matter what but if you could just get a nomination your popularity would completely sky rocket and ohmygod what if I get nominated and give people things in exchange for their votes, like maybe candy bars and condoms and then I end up winning????? So then you have your plan in place to completely usurp Heidi and you're all jumpy and clappy during the pep rally where they announce the nominees for homecoming queen and guess what? You didn't even get nominated. And while you are standing there pretending not to care and totally not crying, you see all the truly popular girls that got nominated giving you the "you'll never really fit in so why bother trying" face?

Remember that? No? Just me then?

Well whatever. Because here I am again, desperately trying to get into the cool people club. Only this time it involves bloggers, not bitchy high school girls or bad hand jobs. Or ummm, any kind of hand jobs...which is kind of too bad because I got really good at that. You know, in case you were wondering. Which I'm sure you are totally not, because why would you wonder about that? Seriously, you people need help.

Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is that I totally got nominated for something way more awesome than homecoming queen. Suck it, Heidi.

Voting has started for the 2011 Boomerang Awards at Studio30+. I'm up for a few and since I'm desperate for your love and acceptance and also since I learned my lesson in high school, I am bribing you for votes.

*ahem*

VOTE FOR ME AND IN RETURN, I PROMISE TO DO A SEX TOY GIVEAWAY.

ta-da!

Of course, I can't really verify if you actual vote for me or not, but I'm counting on the honor system. And fine, I am doing this giveaway whether you vote for me or not because I feel a little bad about bribing people for votes because it kind of tarnishes the validity of anything I might win. Just like the time my office voted for employee of the month once and I gave everyone lollipops that had little flags attached to the stick that said "Vote for Miss Yvonne" and then I totally won which was awesome but also kind of pathetic. But shut up about it, because I'm making this my campaign platform.

That's right. A sex toys for votes platform. Because I'm a genius.

So go here and vote for me. Or for whoever you like better than me, as long as they aren't named Heidi because I can't take that kind of rejection twice in a lifetime.

And then? SEX. TOY. GIVEAWAY.

This is totally happening.

39 comments:

Cinderita said...

I voted for you. Mostly becuase that was so freaking fun to read. And well. I like sex toys.

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay. Because I think you are or should be one of the popular girls cuz you're not stuck up and you do give, I'm guessing, "most improved" handjobs (not that I personally want one, cuz I don't), I will cast my vote for you. And I totally want to be entered into the toy drawing. I hope it's in 3D.

Moooooog35 said...

...but vote for ME and I'll totally not send you pictures of me using said sex toys.

Pick your poison, people.

TexaGermaNadian said...

You had me at sex toy giveaway. Best of luck!

Ed said...

I never even get nominated for shit like this.

Oh well, back to practicing my hand job skills.

Like I'm not an expert already.

Miss Yvonne said...

Cinderita: Awesome! I mean, who doesn't love sex toys, right? Except maybe the Pope. And my parents because gross.

Fragrant Liar: OMG, if only there was a "Most Improved At Handjobs Blogger" category! I would sweep that motherfucker.

Moooooog35: Is it bad that I would kind of like to see that? Also, I just so happened to vote for you, so you know...just sayin'.

Texa: I knew it. I knew the sex toy giveaway would work.

Ed: Way to take my handjob award idea to heart.

Brandy Rose said...

Done and done!

The Insomniac said...

I voted for ya! Seriously...what a kick ass give a way. :-)

Megs said...

Every time I tried that trick to get into the popular girls clique they would say something along the lines of, "What are you doing here, freak?" or "Go away nerd" and thus I never did break in.

mizzbrizz said...

Not that I need a new sex toy because I love mine and it's been the best BOB Ev-ER, but I voted for you because you are the best and make me laugh and I wish you'd blog MORE!

Miss Rosie said...

I totaly voted for you! Love reading your blog, Good luck! I expect my sex toy to be pretty big and my favorite color is pink.

Linda said...

Wait a minute here...need more information...for all I know these could be used sex toys from that box under the bed. Things with switches gone awry or those used once and not going there again models. Dead rabbits and cracked pearls. Oh my!

Tasha said...

What the hell...you get bloggy popular so now you don't talk to me anymore? Hehe...did you mention high school dramz? But seriously, I miss your smrat-ass comments!

BTW, I'm totally not voting for your slut ass! :P

nova said...

I voted. Where's my hand job?

**HD** said...

It is a ruthless world...if you gotta bribe people with a toy give away for their "extra-curriculars" all the power to you. You have my vote, even without the sex toy giveaway!

Amy said...

Great post. I wasn't in the stupid homecoming court either but who cares, right. No biggie. I totally didn't cry either...

So I totally voted for you and Heidi can suck it wherever she is - and so can our homecoming queen Sue! I'm not bitter...

SarcasmInAction said...

I SUPPOSE I'll vote for you....
You convinced me in a way any true and legitimate politician should always work his/her constituents: bribes, laughs, dirty words, and pornographic material.

Shell said...

Voted!

Not because I'm a whore either. A) I like giveaways. B) You're hilarious. It was a win win.

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

I voted! I'm interested in one of those vampire sparkly schlong sex toys. The ones that go in the fridge to give it that realistic cold death touch feel. Yeah, you know it.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Dear Miss Yvonne,

Suck it.

Love, Heidi
ramblingsandmusingsofapromqueen.blogspot.com

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

PS: I had my friend Becky post that last comment because I didn't realize you didn't allow anonymous comments.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I voted and voted and voted for you but I'll pass on the sex toy ;-)

Good luck! jj

I, Rodius said...

I voted for you. Multiple times. And a couple of times for Libby Logic, mostly because you two were the only ones I'd ever heard of. See how I worked "multiple times" into your "sex toys" and "handjobs" post? Huh? Pretty good, right?

dcr said...

i voted for you, in almost every category. i really enjoy your blog.

Nicole said...

Oh, I remember *Heidi*. You bet I do.

Lady, I voted for you already in one of those categories. So, save your sex toy for the hard sells. I'm all full of electronic lovin' in nightstand anyway.

Good luck!

MiStY said...

Ok, voted! Love your wacky sense of humor and LOVE sex toys ;)

live42day said...

I voted for you. I loved your funny post, and lets face who couldn't use more sex toys. Nice bribe btw.

Jules said...

You HUSSY! You're a hussy for votes!

boycottamericanwomen said...

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women

http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

diane said...

It's all rushing back to me now, how I didn't vote because I was too conflicted over the nominees. Is it getting hot in here?

Miss Yvonne said...

FINALLY! The Boycott American Women blogger made it over here to my blog.

This is a huge relief. I was beginning to think my blog wasn't popular enough for him. Thank goodness.

Eva Gallant said...

I came here from the LG Report. I love your blog and must become a follower! I read a couple of posts and was cracking up!

Organic Meatbag said...

I voted for you, but not because I want sex toys...I don't...dog toys, I'm cool with...my doggie would love them... I'm just not cool with the idea of being upstaged by a 12 inch purple dildo when gettin' frisky with the wife... I have a rep to live up to!!

Nina Patricia @ The Adventures of Nina Patricia said...

I voted for you because, lets face it, I'm not cool enough to know ANY of the other blogs they mentioned. But mostly because you rock ASS...mainly your hubs...cause if you rocked mine that would be bad...or good, if you ask my hubs...annnnnywaaaayyyyy

meowmix said...

KAY!

She Said said...

I voted for you! Oh, and for the person it defaulted to in the first couple of questions. Whatever. Woot! Sex toys!

B said...

I'm voting for you, mostly because I'm sure I hated girls like Heidi in high school.

effie said...

I voted for you! Sex toys are worth! And the read was fun!

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