Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Why Can’t My Office Ever Get A Dead Body?

Today a friend of mine posted this status on her Facebook wall:

OMG, there is a car that has been parked outside my office for 3 days and today the police came because there is a dead body in the trunk!

So I got all clappy and jumpy and quickly fired off a comment:

Oh man, I wish something exciting like that would happen at my office. We NEVER get dead bodies!

Then I read all the other comments people had left. And they were all “OMG I’m so sorry!” and “That is terrible!” and “Are you okay?”. And my friend had responded back with “Yes, it was very scary. I started crying when the cops told us it was a woman. I feel so bad for whoever she is.”

And then there was my comment right below her last one.


I really wish I had read the other comments before I posted mine.

But that was really what popped into my head when I read her status. I admit it, I love drama. As long as it isn’t my own drama. I hate my drama. But other people’s drama? Awesome. Fascinating. Especially if it is a complete stranger’s drama.

Now don’t misunderstand me here…it is a terrible thing that happened to that dead-in-a-trunk woman, whoever she is. No one should have that happen to them. Unless they are a pedophile. Or a mass murderer. Or a creepy clown because eeww. So please don’t send me hate emails or leave comments here about what a terrible person I am. I already know that I’m a terrible person. That’s not news, people. That's why I never win the lottery. I just get so excited when something out of the ordinary happens during a typical day. It’s like all sense of reason and propriety fly out the window and I become a raging mob of one. I can’t look away, even if it might put me in danger.

One day at my old job, I was staring out the window avoiding my work when a bunch of police cars pulled up at the far end of the parking lot. And right behind them were two fire trucks.

My mouth fell open and my heart began to beat faster.

One of the police officers jumped out of his car and ran to the trunk, where he pulled out some kind of full-body protective suit.

I stood up. Something awesomely bad was about to go down.

The police officer hurriedly dressed himself in the suit while two others began putting together what looked to be a remote control car, only bigger. More like a remote control tank with a long reachy thingy on it. I looked out past the emergency vehicles and noticed a small cooler sitting in the grass on the median between the lanes going in and out of the parking lot.

Oh. My. God. That’s one of those things that they use to find bombs. That cop is putting on a bomb suit. THERE IS A BOMB IN THAT COOLER!

At this point I am jumping up and down and yelling out fragmented sentences like “Bomb!” and “Hey, outside!” and “Guys, seriously!”.

Finally other people begin to notice what was happening and slowly my window and the others around me filled up with gawkers. Everyone was just as excited as me. For a couple minutes.

And then they all started to panic.

“Shouldn’t we be leaving the building?”
“Why haven’t they told us to evacuate?”
“Do you think it’s really a bomb in there?”
“What if it explodes? Will it blow us up?”
“I need to call my husband!”
“Wait! We can get a better look from Ted’s office!”

That last one came from my mouth. Because I'm all about getting a good view when I'm about to get blown to pieces.

I ran down to Ted’s office and threw myself up against the glass so I wouldn’t miss a moment.

I was all “Can you believe this, Ted? I mean, this is amazing, right?? Who do you think put the bomb there? A disgruntled employee? A lover scorned? A creepy clown?” and Ted was all “Ummm, I’m gonna go, ahhh, to the other side of the building.” and then he disappeared.

I barely heard him. The remote control bomb tank had reached the cooler and was poking around it. Then the police officer in the bomb suit walked over, carefully picked the cooler up and carried it to the back of a white van that had pulled up a few minutes earlier. The cooler was placed inside, the doors were closed and the van drove off. The police officer took off his suit, stood around chatting with the other cops for a few minutes and then they all left as well.

That was it. Nothing. No explosion. No dramatic conclusion. They just drove off. And then I realized there weren’t even any reporters around. There was no bomb after all, apparently.

Well, shit.

I walked dejectedly back to my cubicle. It was all over and everyone else had already sat back down in front of their computers. I was really disappointed that I didn’t get to run screaming from the back of the building. I tried to keep the excitement up by saying things like "Can you believe that just happened?" and "Sooo scary, right?" and "Bombs. Crazy stuff, huh?" as I walked by my co-workers. None of them took the bait, they were totally over it. I went back to work a little more frowny than I had been before the fake bomb incident.

Fifteen minutes later, I noticed a shadow falling over my desk. I looked up. It was Ted.

“Could you please come clean off the hand prints and what appears to be a forehead mark from my office window?”

My life is so boring. If only there was a mass murdering, pedophilic creepy clown dead in a trunk outside my office. A girl can dream, right?


P.S. Are you member of Studio30+ yet? If not, then get your ass over there and sign up already. Right now they're taking nominations for the 2011 Boomerang Awards. Don't ask what that is, just go over there and nominate me. Or, you know, another S30+ blogger that you like better. Whatever. I don't even care. *sniff*


Didactic Pirate said...

I'm with you. Nothing even remotely CSI-like ever happens outside of my workplace.

What's a guy gotta do to see some techs in rubber gloves pull a severed hand out of a dumpster in this town? Better yet: a severed clown hand?

The Vegetable Assassin said...


You are ME.

I do this stuff ALL THE TIME. This is one of the reasons I don't DO FB to begin with, my inappropriate responses to people would get me banned. I mean come on, there's a body in a car it's OBVIOUS that's a terrible thing, no one needs me fake crying over it. What everyone's really thinking is "CAN I GET A BETTER LOOK?" or "IS THERE ANY BLOODY GOO?" or wanting to know the gossip surrounding the event.

So don't feel bad. If I was reading that comment stack I'd laugh. :)

Megs said...

Once, when I was doing an environmental site assessment at a gas station in a bad part of town? We found a stolen car locked in the car wash. And I really wanted there to be a dead body in the trunk, but there wasn't.

So I TOTALLY understand. It isn't that I want anyone to be horribly murdered, it's just...I want to find a body or something exciting that the police question me about like I'm in an episode of CSI or something.

Amy said...

I live in a really crappy neighborhood and, while it's scary because I'm always worried a crackhead will break into my house, it's also AWESOME because the police pull up and arrest someone at least once a week. My front window is just permanent hand prints by now. I don't even bother cleaning it anymore.

Life is boring enough as it is. Why not get a little excited when horrible things happen? Sometimes it's all we've got.

Jessame said...

hahahahaha!! You sound like drama not cool, others drama...ummmm can we have popcorn while we watch???????????? I am a stay at home mom so I am always creepin, I mean watching out the window for any drama that might unfold, doesn't happen often! Guess I will just have to get my daily dose of drama from Days of Our Lives!!

Crystal said...

You're so frickin' funny! Truly! And as long as its not dead people...I;m all for a little excitement!

Brandy Rose said...

Haha, you like drama? You should live in my neck of the woods. Its my favorite thing just to sit out on my porch and watch it all unfold.

Venom said...

Fucking wimps over there at the dead body office, I say. Get a job in a better part of town if you can't handle the stress?

For you though, maybe you should transfer down INto a rougher area so you could see some real action. You never know, with your sharp eye for detail, your help could someday be instrumental in busting some punks.

Logical Libby said...

I just know that no matter how bad something is, we still won't get out of work. And we'll have to figure out a way to put in on TV.

A Kitchen Witch said...

My excitement for the day? A flu shot and baby got her ears pierced...coulda used a dead body for some excitement. just sayin'.

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

I saw heavy black smoke coming from the top of the hill near my place last night at 1am. I got in the car and tried to find it. I am so sad.
And no, didn't find it, couldn't smell it anywhere either. Think I might need a redo on my glasses prescription. Sigh.

Ed said...

Some people are so lucky.

Body in the truck is FREE entertainment people!

Well, unless it's your body, but that's a given. At least you went out as an entertainer.

I forget my point now.

Oh yeah, Free entertainment is FREE!

Or something.

p.s. Email me sometime. Me and the family are planning an AMTRAK trip to Texas and I need to get some site seeing ideas from someone in the know.

Moooooog35 said...

I do this on FB all the time.

Because nothing says 'funny' like saying "Nice job, driving" to someone who just updated "Just got into a fender-bender" and then they reply to you "my mother was killed in the accident" and now you also have to backpedal AND unlike the status.

Stupid context.

Chl said...

I'm with you chica. What could be better than a real-life episode of CSI unfolding before your very eyes? Yep, it's a terrible thing but frankly we have been conditioned by the media to look for this kind of thing as entertainment. It's totally their fault. :)

And for the record, I would have helped you clean the glass. Because it would have been my hand/forehead prints right there next to yours.

VM Sehy Photography said...

I don't know. If a dead woman showed up in the trunk of a car at my workplace, I'd probably quit right then and there. Just knowing I was anywhere near that kind of freak would be too much.

On the flip side, I used to take naps in my car where I worked. During lunch mind you. I would leave the window open because it was hot. Well, towards the end of my time there, a lot of homeless people were floating around. Not which to mention they built a jail just two blocks away. As a result of these turn of events, I woke up from my nap one day to find this homeless dude staring into my car. Fortunately he was standing by the front bumper. If he'd been anywhere near the open side window, I'd probably have reacted by punching him. Then I'd have found out how the inside of the jail looked while serving my sentence for assault. So I stared him down til he moved on and then headed back into work. Five minutes later one of my co-workers comes in and says some homeless guy just peed on my car. Unzipped his trousers and let loose on my front grill. I remember thinking thank God he thought better about peeing on my car. I'd have kicked his ass. I didn't stay at that job too long after that.

Mrs BC said...

Miss Yvonne, I sooo relate. It seems to be my special talent to alienate people without even trying, just by opening my mouth & saying stuff. Sigh. It's probably why I blog.

18 followers anyone?
Mrs BC

Scuba Nurse said...

that is freaking funny.
I have a nursing friend, and we call each other when we have what normal people would call a "bad day" and we call bloody fascinating if not totally awesome!
"you got to drill into the skull? thats AWESOME".
Sometimes there is only one person who gets it - but thats all you need.

Boom Boom Larew said...

I would have been right there with you, getting my grubby hands all over Ted's window!

cfoxes33 said...

You crack me up! I am all about dead bodies and such!