Insta-awesome

Y'all, I just realized I've never linked to my instagram account here. If you are already a follower, you know what a travesty of awesomeness that is. Okay, not really. But! If you follow me, I promise there will be dinosaurs.

And cats. Lots and lots of cats.

Vindication Is Mine, Bitches

I made it through another New Year's Eve without a hangover. First resolution achieved!http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

I forgot to tell you guys about my company Christmas party. To make a long story short, it was pretty much an exact replica of last year's party. I got drunk. I was obnoxious. I danced. I was practically carried to the car afterwards by Captain Carl.

Except this year? I TOTALLY WON THE KARAOKE CONTEST.

I might have stacked the decks in my favor by begging the president of the company to let me pick my singing partners this year (last year it was a random drawing). And because he apparently adores me, he said yes. So about a month before the party, I asked two of the most fun girls in the office to sing with me. We picked our song and practiced it my cubicle a few times.

What? Don't judge me. I was totally robbed last year and I decided that night that I would do anything in my power to make sure I won the next year.

AND IT TOTALLY WORKED.

We got up there and we sang our little hearts out. We were loud and enthusiastic, which is really the only requirement to be good at karaoke in my opinion. People were clapping and singing along. There was even some audience participation, thanks to the song we picked. There was even a standing ovation at the end. I wanted to yell "That's how it's done, bitches!" into the mic and then drop it on the floor afterwards, but I figured that was going a bit too far.

And then the president came up to announce the winners and I swear to God, y'all, the exact words he said were "I don't think we even have to consult the judges on this one because there is a clear cut winner tonight."

Yep, I did it. I won. Even got a $100 gift card out of the deal. AND! I won a prize in the random drawing giveaway too. Which proves that you can achieve anything you want if you just set your mind to it. And pick the right song.

12 Reasons Why I'm Awesome: 2011 In Review

Tomorrow is the last day of 2011 and frankly, I cannot wait for this shitty year to be over. Let's just say it's been a rough one and I'm looking forward to a hopefully better, more prosperous and happy 2012.

And now we move on to my annual year end tradition of listing my favorite posts from each month because yes, I am just that self-involved. I didn't write as much this year (see the above paragraph for my reason), so the pickings were a bit thin. BUT STILL AWESOME.


JANUARY

• The one with the dead body

FEBRUARY

• The one where I continue to stalk Harry Connick Jr.

MARCH

• The one with the frozen grapes

APRIL

• The one with the shoe song

MAY

• The one with the broken motel toilet

JUNE

• The one with my crazy coupon face

JULY

• The one with my Boo Boo

AUGUST

• The one with all the dicks

SEPTEMBER

• The one with the deleted talk show

OCTOBER

• The one with the Snatch Attack

NOVEMBER

• The one with the crab legs

DECEMBER

• The one with mother fucking ravioli night

Well, that's it for this year. Happy New Year to all you bad asses. Here's to a better year to come and me finally meeting Harry Connick Jr. It's like the man is purposely avoiding me or something, for Christ's sake.

Probably The Best Version Of "Sister Christian" You'll Ever Hear. Which Isn't Saying Much.

Fact #1: I love to sing in the car.

Fact #2: I have the I Am T-Pain auto-tune app on my phone.

Enough said.

Click here to listen and have your mind blown by my musical stylings.

Consider it my contribution to your Thanksgiving holiday. Kind of like turkey, except with less falling asleep and more eardrum bursting. You're welcome.

Eat your heart out, boys.

I Can Turn Anything Into A Conversation About Dicks

Captain Carl: Hello?
Me: Hey.
Captain Carl: Yes?
Me: What?
Captain Carl: You called me.
Me: I know I called you. I mean, I dialed the phone. Obviously I know that I called you.
Captain Carl: Did you need something?
Me: Not really.
Captain Carl: *silence*
Me: *yawn*
Captain Carl: So…
Me: Ohmygod, Islands In The Stream just came on Pandora!
Captain Carl: *sigh*
Me: *singing* Islands in the stream. That is what we are. Hmmm hmmm hmm between. How can we be wrong?
Captain Carl: Okay so, I’m gonna go.
Me: Wait! Did you remember to water the trees like I asked this morning?
Captain Carl: Yes. I’m still watering them.
Me: Still? It’s like 2:30 now!
Captain Carl: I know. I’m watering them slowly.
Me: How slowly?
Captain Carl: Slowly. Like I said.
Me: Do you have any idea how water bills work? You can’t run the hose all day.
Captain Carl: Calm down. There’s barely any water coming out.
Me: How much?
Captain Carl: Like just a bit.
Me: How am I supposed to know what a bit means to you?
Captain Carl: Okay, a trickle then. More like a pre-trickle. Not much at all.
Me: A pre-trickle? That is not a unit of measurement I’m familiar with.
Captain Carl: Fine, it’s barely more than what a soaker hose puts out. Jesus.
Me: Wasn’t there a race car driver named Trickle?
Co-worker listening to my conversation: Yes. His name is Dick Trickle.
Me: No way.
Co-worker: Yep, I just googled it.
Me: Heh heh, I made you google Dick Trickle on your work computer.
Other co-worker listening in: Whatever you do, don’t google dicktrickle.com.
Me: OMG, do it!!
Captain Carl: Hello?
Me: Hey babe, quit Dick Trickling my trees. *laughs hysterically* *bangs fist on desk*
Captain Carl: I’m hanging up now.
Me: Okay. Dick Trickle you later!
Captain Carl: Really?
Me: I’ll be Dick Trickling you!
Captain Carl: *mumbling swear words*
Me: You’re like the Dick Trickle of landscape irrigation. I can do this all day, honey.
Captain Carl: I know. Which is why I’m doing this. *click*



He’s totally jealous of my dick joke skills.

The Best Place To Get Your Snark On

Big news, people.

I went running yesterday and made it a whole half mile without stopping. Then I went home and ate a bowl of ice cream. You know. For sustenance.

*pats self on back*

But wait, I have even bigger news than that.

Sprocket Ink, an awesomely kick-ass new website dedicated to all things snarky, has launched today. And I'm writing there.

You: No way!
Me: Way.

My first post is up and I'm super nervous about it because for some reason I chose to write about Britney Spears. I just....I mean...I don't know why. It just sort of...happened. But I promise, the website is super cool. I mean, they are letting me use all the swears, y'all.

And all the other writers at Sprocket Ink are amazing. This is a very talented bunch of bloggers I'm talking about here, and I am so honored to be a part of this group. So please go check it out and leave some comment love.

Sprocket Ink

I Wish I Could Blame This On Being Drunk, But I Do It When I'm Sober Too

I just won three 2011 Boomerang awards over at Studio30+. THREE! I won funniest blogger, best blog title and best female blog. I feel a little guilty on account of me bribing y'all with sex toys for votes, but not enough to give the awards to someone else. Hell no! I'm flaunting those babies all over this motherfucker. Thanks to everyone who voted for me. I hope you win the sex toy giveaway, or at least have some sex or something to make you feel like it was worth your vote.

So we played tennis last weekend with Mailman Mike and his girlfriend. Then we decided to get drunk and sing karaoke, because of course we did. Captain Carl and I did a very special version of the best Earth Wind & Fire song ever made. And since we were still wearing our tennis gear and already sweaty from working out, I decided to bust out some of my sweet dance moves too.

And now I've decided to share that moment with y'all. Consider it my acceptance speech for my Boomerang awards.

Boom. Talent explosion. Right here.



p.s. I don't know how to fix this so it doesn't cut off the right side of the video. It's not like I'm married to a web designer or anything. Oh wait, I am married to a web designer. Meh. Whatever.

p.p.s. Don't forget to enter my EdenFantasys giveaway. It ends on Friday at 6pm and I'm gonna be pissed if I don't get more entries because I spent like, 5 hours reading the kinky stories on their website in preparation for this and shut up, it was totally for research purposes only because I like to be thoroughly informed for my blog giveaways.

If I Win, You Will Get Sex Toys

Remember how when you were in high school and you really wanted to be part of the popular group, so you started dressing like them and doing your hair like them and following their group through the hallways between classes, inching closer and closer every day and laughing every time they laughed even though you couldn't hear what they were talking about? And then you started dating the best friend of the most popular girl's boyfriend so that you pretty much had to be admitted into the group via tongue kissing and bad hand jobs? And then Homecoming week came and you prayed to baby Jesus that you would just get nominated for queen, because you knew Heidi was totally going to win no matter what but if you could just get a nomination your popularity would completely sky rocket and ohmygod what if I get nominated and give people things in exchange for their votes, like maybe candy bars and condoms and then I end up winning????? So then you have your plan in place to completely usurp Heidi and you're all jumpy and clappy during the pep rally where they announce the nominees for homecoming queen and guess what? You didn't even get nominated. And while you are standing there pretending not to care and totally not crying, you see all the truly popular girls that got nominated giving you the "you'll never really fit in so why bother trying" face?

Remember that? No? Just me then?

Well whatever. Because here I am again, desperately trying to get into the cool people club. Only this time it involves bloggers, not bitchy high school girls or bad hand jobs. Or ummm, any kind of hand jobs...which is kind of too bad because I got really good at that. You know, in case you were wondering. Which I'm sure you are totally not, because why would you wonder about that? Seriously, you people need help.

Anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is that I totally got nominated for something way more awesome than homecoming queen. Suck it, Heidi.

Voting has started for the 2011 Boomerang Awards at Studio30+. I'm up for a few and since I'm desperate for your love and acceptance and also since I learned my lesson in high school, I am bribing you for votes.

*ahem*

VOTE FOR ME AND IN RETURN, I PROMISE TO DO A SEX TOY GIVEAWAY.

ta-da!

Of course, I can't really verify if you actual vote for me or not, but I'm counting on the honor system. And fine, I am doing this giveaway whether you vote for me or not because I feel a little bad about bribing people for votes because it kind of tarnishes the validity of anything I might win. Just like the time my office voted for employee of the month once and I gave everyone lollipops that had little flags attached to the stick that said "Vote for Miss Yvonne" and then I totally won which was awesome but also kind of pathetic. But shut up about it, because I'm making this my campaign platform.

That's right. A sex toys for votes platform. Because I'm a genius.

So go here and vote for me. Or for whoever you like better than me, as long as they aren't named Heidi because I can't take that kind of rejection twice in a lifetime.

And then? SEX. TOY. GIVEAWAY.

This is totally happening.

Holy Shit, I'm Awesome: A Year In Review

Another year of blogging has passed and we're about to move into a new one. Thank you Baby Jesus. I cannot wait to get 2010 over and done with. It's been a rough year for me in a lot of ways...I'm ready for a new one.

But before we ring in the new year, I need to wrap things up here with my annual Best of Yo Mama's Blog post. This year, the blog saw the Kiddo graduate from high school, go off to college and leave Captain Carl and me here all alone. With Renty. Always with Renty. Forever and ever with Renty. Til death do us part with Renty.

*ahem*

So here you go...my favorite blog post from each month of 2010. Enjoy, suckas.



JANUARY

• The one where Captain Carl imaginary cheats on me with that bitch Shelly
  

FEBRUARY

• The one where I write a kick ass and totally not gay valentine for the Kiddo's girlfriend

MARCH

• The one where I sexually harass my way into a job

APRIL

• The one where I hear my son having sex and completely lose my shit

MAY

• The one where the Kiddo brings twat and nards into my house
  

JUNE

• The one where Captain Carl goes crazy over right side bed bugs

JULY

• The one where I show you the real me and it turns out I'm real awesome

AUGUST

• The one where I get a naked and rubbed down

SEPTEMBER

• The one where I buy wind chimes and a tractor

OCTOBER (I picked two from this month because I couldn't decide on a favorite)

• The one where I audition for a movie. Sort of.
• The one where my boob pops out of my bra

NOVEMBER

• The one where I don't have to cut off my arm at the IHOP

DECEMBER

• The one where I consumed large amounts of alcohol and probably should have gotten fired

So that's it...my year in review. I blogged a total of 93 times in 2010. Much less than I did in 2009, mainly because 2010 was a crazy busy and emotionally exhausting year for me. I'm looking forward to a much more prosperous and peaceful 2011. But first? I'm getting my drink on tomorrow night. I predict a blog post in early January involving me, karaoke and a hangover.

Hey, thanks to everyone who became a new follower this year. And to all you loyal followers from before 2010, I salute you for hanging in there. I haven't made this easy for you. Here's to you, mo fo's!

Happy New Year from Yo Mama's house...we loves ya.

I’m Like A Walking Public Service Announcement For Drunk Morons

Saturday night was my office Christmas party. Guess what happened?

I got drunk.

You're totally shocked, right?

I got a lot of drunk.

I got a way lot of drunk. So drunk, I prompted Captain Carl to say “Wow, I haven’t seen you like this in a really long time.” And the worst part is that I can remember everything. My luck sucks, I can’t even be a blackout drunk and forget all the embarrassing parts of the night.

But I figure I can turn my office party mistakes into a helpful blog post for all of you that maybe haven’t had your office parties yet. Consider it a holiday gift from me to you. I’m like the Jesus Christ of holiday gifts, except instead of eternal life in heaven, I’m giving you tips on how to keep your shitty job that you hate but can’t afford to quit. If my mother ever reads this blog, I am in so. much. trouble. for that last sentence.


Tip #1: Think about your clothing choices carefully before leaving for the party. Are your dressy pants too big for you now and could they possible fall off while dancing later? Is your top so low cut that your boobs will probably pop out at least three times? If yes, you might consider changing.

Tip #2: When introducing your spouse to the President of your company, it is not advisable to tell him that you drank half a bottle of Boone’s Farm out of a plastic cup on the drive over because you heard his cheap-ass only allowed for two drink tickets per person.

Tip #3: When your co-worker asks you in the bathroom if she looks prettier than the wife of Sales Director, a simple “yes” will suffice. Do not elaborate your answer with “I mean, she’s more of an obvious kind of pretty and who wants to be that, right?” and “Plus, you are probably way more interesting than her anyways.” Also, do not steal the lotion from the bathroom on your way out. It is in a container as big as a wine bottle, people will notice it under your shirt.

Tip #4: Do not lick any of the serving spoons at the buffet table because you want to sample everything first. This is not considered proper buffet etiquette.

Tip #5: Whatever you do, do not sign up for the karaoke contest if you plan on drinking more than one glass of wine.

Tip #6: If you ignored tip #5, do not storm the stage when it’s your turn and yell “I say Merry, you say Christmas! Merry! What? Merry! What?” at everyone in the room.

Tip #7: Upon discovering that you have been paired up with the CFO of the company for the karaoke contest, do not tell him that you want to sing George Michael’s Faith in his honor because “Frankly sir, everyone is shocked that you brought a wife and not a life partner."

Tip #8: When the winner of the contest is announced and it is not you, do not pound your fist on the table and scream “I was fucking robbed!”.

Tip #9: Do not request that the dj play T-Pain and then insist everyone on the dance floor give your big booty a slap while you try to move your body into your version of "low" (aka, bending slightly at the waist until your calves start to burn).

Tip #10: Do not approach the door prize table and ask the office manager what you need to do to win that 42” flat screen tv while pantomiming a blow job and waggling your eyebrows at him.


So there you go, my top ten tips for office holiday parties. You're welcome.

Everyone who thinks I’m totally getting a Christmas bonus this year, raise your hand!

Probably The Most Interesting Interview Ever Involving A Song By Bonnie Tyler

I made it through my family Thanksgiving celebration, y'all. Somehow no one got murdered this year. Hooray for murderless holidays!

So I finally got a featured interview over at Studio30+, courtesy of my awesome fly-eyed friend Vic. It's pretty much amazing awesomes. We talk about diahrrea and Carlos Spicy Weiner and my new theme song "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". It's as confusing as it sounds.

Please go read it, and then become a member. But only if you are over 30. If you are under 30, then shut up and go listen to some Justin Bieber or whatever you stupid kids are into to these days.