Okay, it’s not about boobies at all. I only said that to keep hope alive for the men who read my blog and got all glassy eyed when they read the word “shoes”.
This is about one specific pair of shoes, actually. They are green and lovely and what I’ve always wanted ever since I saw them two days ago.
See, I arrived early to get my haircut and so I decided to waste some time in the cheap shoe store next door. You know the place. Rhymes with “Gayless Moo Spore”. No one likes to admit they shop there. And I totally do not shop there ever because I like classy, expensive shoes that don’t fall apart after wearing them three times.
Okay fine, half of my shoes are from this place. Whatever. Shut up. You don’t know me! You don’t know my life!
Anyway, so I go in and anyone who’s ever shopped at this place knows that no one is going to bother you while you are browsing on account of it being the Wal-Mart of shoes. Self-serve only, don’t even try to get some help because the lady who works there is only there to restock and man the cash register and so does not care about you and your bunion issues.
Except when I went in, an employee was waiting for me. She pounced like a used car salesman. She was all “Hello! Welcome! What can I help you find today? “ only she was from one of the Caribbean islands or something and had a really thick accent and I was totally confused and thought maybe I had walked into a real shoe store so I just kind of stared at her and mumbled “Oh ummm, I’m ummmm, just browsing.” and started walking away.
Well she was having none of that. No ma’am. She followed me and was all “What ees your size, ma dear?”, so I told her and she was all “Let meh show you our latest styles, eh?” and I was all “okay” and she was all pointing out stuff and I was getting kind of annoyed because seriously? all this for cheap ass shoes, lady?
And then I saw them. The green shoes. “oooooh!!” I squealed. I couldn’t help it. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I knew I was in trouble.
She was all “Oh you like dis one?” and I was all “It’s okay, I guess.” and she was all “Try dem on!” and I was all “I’m just going to look over here for awhile”. And finally she left me alone. For about 2 minutes. Long enough for me to have made me way to the back of the store.
And then I saw wild movement out of the corner of my eye.
“Look! I am dancing for you!”
Sure as shit, she was dancing. Down the aisle towards me.
“Dis ees your shoe dance! I am dancing eet for you!” *hip sway* *finger snaps*
I was so happy, y’all. Because who has this happen to them? No one, that’s who. This woman had me cornered in the back of a discount shoe store doing some kind of weird thing with her body that vaguely resembled dance moves. This just turned into my best shoe shopping experience ever.
Once she reached me, she grabbed my hand and was all “So you like de green ones, eh?” and I was all “Actually, they are a little small for me.” and she was all “I find you bigger pair.” and I was all “Ahhh, no it’s okay. Really.” and she was all “No no no, I find dem!” and I was all “I actually have to leave for a haircut soooo…” and she was all “Follow me! We dance to de front and I check de computah!”
We danced to the front of the store. Naturally.
Or I should say she danced and I swung my arms back and forth in a vaguely rhythmic motion. And when she looked back at me, she was all “Dat’s right! You do de shoe dance too!” and I was all "Hells yeah I do!" and she was all "Oh, I like dis girl. She make crazy robot dance arms!"
Turns out she didn’t have a bigger size, so I left and she was all “Okay den, you come back when you ready for your next shoe dance!”. I was kind of sad that she didn’t have them, because just imagine what kind of dance she would have done if I had bought something. Such a missed opportunity.
And then I found the shoes in my size on their website and they were totally on sale and I totally had a coupon and I totally ordered them and had them shipped to the shoe dance lady’s store.
I can’t wait to pick them up. I’ve been practicing my finger snaps all week. Cutest.Cheap. Ass. Shoes. Ever.
p.s. Go read my post on Sprocket Ink this afternoon! It’s about a 4 year old who whines and cries and becomes a governor. I’m not even making this up.