Friday, April 8, 2011

I Have My Very Own Shoe Song. Whatever That Means.

I got my haircut. It’s cute and short and blah blah blah no one really cares about my hair except me. Which is fine because this post is not about my super awesome fabulous that you are totally jealous of hair. It is about shoes. And boobies.

Okay, it’s not about boobies at all. I only said that to keep hope alive for the men who read my blog and got all glassy eyed when they read the word “shoes”.

This is about one specific pair of shoes, actually. They are green and lovely and what I’ve always wanted ever since I saw them two days ago.

See, I arrived early to get my haircut and so I decided to waste some time in the cheap shoe store next door. You know the place. Rhymes with “Gayless Moo Spore”. No one likes to admit they shop there. And I totally do not shop there ever because I like classy, expensive shoes that don’t fall apart after wearing them three times.

Okay fine, half of my shoes are from this place. Whatever. Shut up. You don’t know me! You don’t know my life!

Anyway, so I go in and anyone who’s ever shopped at this place knows that no one is going to bother you while you are browsing on account of it being the Wal-Mart of shoes. Self-serve only, don’t even try to get some help because the lady who works there is only there to restock and man the cash register and so does not care about you and your bunion issues.

Except when I went in, an employee was waiting for me. She pounced like a used car salesman. She was all “Hello! Welcome! What can I help you find today? “ only she was from one of the Caribbean islands or something and had a really thick accent and I was totally confused and thought maybe I had walked into a real shoe store so I just kind of stared at her and mumbled “Oh ummm, I’m ummmm, just browsing.” and started walking away.

Well she was having none of that. No ma’am. She followed me and was all “What ees your size, ma dear?”, so I told her and she was all “Let meh show you our latest styles, eh?” and I was all “okay” and she was all pointing out stuff and I was getting kind of annoyed because seriously? all this for cheap ass shoes, lady?

And then I saw them. The green shoes. “oooooh!!” I squealed. I couldn’t help it. As soon as it was out of my mouth, I knew I was in trouble.

She was all “Oh you like dis one?” and I was all “It’s okay, I guess.” and she was all “Try dem on!” and I was all “I’m just going to look over here for awhile”. And finally she left me alone. For about 2 minutes. Long enough for me to have made me way to the back of the store.

And then I saw wild movement out of the corner of my eye.

“Look! I am dancing for you!”

Sure as shit, she was dancing. Down the aisle towards me.

“Dis ees your shoe dance! I am dancing eet for you!” *hip sway* *finger snaps*

I was so happy, y’all. Because who has this happen to them? No one, that’s who. This woman had me cornered in the back of a discount shoe store doing some kind of weird thing with her body that vaguely resembled dance moves. This just turned into my best shoe shopping experience ever.

Once she reached me, she grabbed my hand and was all “So you like de green ones, eh?” and I was all “Actually, they are a little small for me.” and she was all “I find you bigger pair.” and I was all “Ahhh, no it’s okay. Really.” and she was all “No no no, I find dem!” and I was all “I actually have to leave for a haircut soooo…” and she was all “Follow me! We dance to de front and I check de computah!”

So.

We danced to the front of the store. Naturally.

Or I should say she danced and I swung my arms back and forth in a vaguely rhythmic motion. And when she looked back at me, she was all “Dat’s right! You do de shoe dance too!” and I was all "Hells yeah I do!" and she was all "Oh, I like dis girl. She make crazy robot dance arms!"

Turns out she didn’t have a bigger size, so I left and she was all “Okay den, you come back when you ready for your next shoe dance!”. I was kind of sad that she didn’t have them, because just imagine what kind of dance she would have done if I had bought something. Such a missed opportunity.

And then I found the shoes in my size on their website and they were totally on sale and I totally had a coupon and I totally ordered them and had them shipped to the shoe dance lady’s store.
I can’t wait to pick them up. I’ve been practicing my finger snaps all week. Cutest.Cheap. Ass. Shoes. Ever.


p.s. Go read my post on Sprocket Ink this afternoon! It’s about a 4 year old who whines and cries and becomes a governor. I’m not even making this up.

29 comments:

Stephanie Stockton said...

Those are soooo cute! Congrats on your new purchase, especially 'cause they're on sale, and congrats for your totally awesome shoe dance! Happy Friday!

bikinfool said...

Boobies? What happened to the boobies? Or even a picture of the hair cut. too much shooooz!

Tina, said...

Be careful when purchasing shoes from “Gayless Moo Spore”; I shopped there and bought a great pair of shoes and ended up falling on my face....

http://preparedforeverydaylife.blogspot.com/2011/03/platform-shoes-sexy-or-dangerous.html

No strange lady danced me down the aisles though.

Moooooog35 said...

You had me at 'boobies.'

Then you lost me at 'not about boobies.'

laughingmom said...

I want to shop there!!! My kids and I used to do a "new shoe dance" AFTER we found and bought a new pair of shoes. It was a celebration of new shoe glory.

mizzbrizz said...

Love your new shoes and can't wait to hear part II of this story--the pick up! I got my fave shoes at that same store...they're Lela Rose who is a ROCKIN' shoe designer...and now I want to get another pair because you can NEVER have too many pairs of shoes!

cfoxes33 said...

Okay, so I learned a few things today from this blog. I learned that that Gayless Moo Spore is a ghetto store. I have such small feet that I have to buy cheap shoes that look cute for a season or such. I refuse to pay hundreds of $ for a small shoe. I also learned that that reading about you doing a shoe dance makes me laugh a little too much for my receptionist job. Oops!

Chris said...

Only in the great state of Texas. LOL

Eva Gallant said...

We don't have any shoe dancers here in Maine that I've encountered, anyway. Sounds like fun!

sorry4disappointingyou said...

Great now that song is stuck in my head! Thanks a lot! lol

Lo said...

That shoe store is my favorite and their shoes do NOT fall apart with the 3rd wearing....they last just as long or longer than ridiculously expensive shoes....I am still wearing some from 15 years ago, so there.

And, on other subjects, you write the greatest blog in the known universe!

Brandy Rose said...

I'm not a big shoe person but I must say my favorite and most expensive pair of shoes I've ever bought was from Gayless Moo Spore.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Okay, this post made me laugh until I cried. There are tears, I'm not even kidding you. I'm so jealous of you for your shoe dance lady.

Miss Yvonne said...

Well fuck! I just responded to everyone and blogger fucking erased everything. Bastards!

SherilinR said...

i love your gayless moo spore! and your dancing jamaican lady. she should get a raise.
this makes me want to go shoe shopping & see if i can start up a musical with the employees. perhaps there will be dancing on those mini mirror/benches & the twirling of accessories.

Ed said...

all this dancing and booby talk, I thought maybe you were at a strip club.





let down

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Aww honey we all don't shop there and we all like the fancy expensive shoes, it's just that we all also like to eat, drink and be merry and on my budget well....it's uh "Gayless" and eat or fancy and be a supermodel with like...ribs. Hard one. TWSS.

Congrats on your pretty lady shoes - I am coveting some from Naturalizer - Yes I said NATUARLIZER, comfy old lady shoe company (in my mind) but these sandals I saw are so effing cute I couldn't believe it. Cute AND comfy? That exists? Naturally they're more expensive than Gayless so maybe I can eat half portions and still have them? Hmmm. Wait what? Was this about you?

Surfie said...

I now feel the need to go to a cheap shoe store just so I can see if anything awesome like this happens. Actually, I'd have probably been pretty weirded out at the time. But when I got home, I'd have been like "That was awesome!"

Kim said...

Sounds like the start of a beautiful friendship....

Jules said...

CUTE shoes! And I do care about your haircuts!!

Logical Libby said...

I smell a sitcom premise...

justmakingourway said...

Cuuuuuuuuuute! I think you need to do a vlog that will show us your version of the shoe dance. Then we'll get to see your fab haircut. Win-win!

My word ver is "wasto". An implication I do not appreciate, Blogger!

Just Me said...

hahaha... the boobies trick almost worked!!!

kyouell said...

1) Jealous of cute short hair.
2) Jealous of new shoes. My kids are 3 and 5 so "shoe shopping" = Zappos.
3) Jealous of shoe dance! Dang!
4) Pics of hair cut or else. Just sayin'. I new here and I demand satisfaction. :-D

kyouell said...

Crap. Forgot to check the box to email me follow-up comments. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Helena said...

goddamngit! why does this awesome stuff never happen to me? i LOVE the crazies, but they're never of this quality :( Jealous! shoes, hair, social interactions. screw you and your freaking awesome day!

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Mrs BC said...

Those shoes really are super cute! But are you sure that lady actually even works there? Have you noticed her in other places, like outside your work, or walking a dog by your house? Please be careful. Take the captain back with you to pick them up.
Stay safe.
x

Leslie said...

Those are freaking adorable! Can I come meet you and we do the electric slide down an isle somewhere?