Snatch Attack 13 – This Time The Mattresses Are Dirty

My sister is moving to Chicago (sob!) and gave Captain Carl and me a couple of her nice mattresses to replace the crappy ones we had left over from some of our previous renters. We decided to give the old mattresses away for free on Craigslist. Below is our text conversation regarding the issue of old mattresses…

Me: I couldn’t help but notice you forgot to put the mattresses on Craigslist this morning.
Him: I’m working on it right now. Lay off.
Me: You forgot, didn’t you.
Him: *sigh* Yes.

15 minutes later

Him: The ad is up. Go look at it. It’s the one that comes with a free cat.
Me: Nice try. I would kill you dead if you gave away my cat.
Me: Looks good…I can’t believe you put your cell number on Craigslist. You’re gonna get creepy sex offenders calling you all day.
Him: Why?
Me: Because they call numbers they find on Craigslist and talk nasty to the people while they whack off.
Him: And you know this how?
Me: I saw it on Dateline once. Or in a dream. One of the those.

10 minutes later

Him: Mattresses are gone. Picking up @ 8:30 tonight.
Me: For real? That was fast.
Him: 15 phone calls and 9 emails in 10 minutes. People are really hurting. It makes my heart sad.
Me: I know. It is so sad. We should count our blessings.

3 minutes later

Me: I bet if you had put “Free Mattress. Formerly belonged to morbidly obese crazy cat hoarder lady.” you wouldn’t have gotten as many calls.
Him: Why would I do that? Who would want a crazy cat lady’s mattress?
Me: Not many people, maybe no one. Which is exactly my point. This is a situation where truth in advertising would be a bad thing.

2 minutes later

Me: Maybe the people that are taking them aren’t actually poor and are just going to use them to film a porno.
Him: ???
Me: And then someday we’ll be watching Snatch Attack 13 and we’ll be all “OMG, that’s our mattress!”
Him: How would we know it was our mattress?
Me: By the stain on the bottom corner from that time Marian left that sub sandwich on the bed for 4 days straight.
Him: I gotta go. I need to get caught up on the first 12 Snatch Attacks.
Me: Let me know how they turn out. I’m guessing Snatch Attacks 1-5 are pretty interesting.
Him: Just 1-5?
Me: Probably after 5 there isn’t much creativity left. There are only so many holes in the human body.

10 minutes later

Him: Just googled it. There is an actual Snatch Attack porno. Have you seen it?
Me: No. I just made it up in my head. Go ahead and act surprised.

The Negotiation Ninja

At my sister's house:

Lizard: So I have some exciting news.
Me: You're buying me a puppy??
Lizard: Why do you always ask me that? No. I'm moving to Chicago to be with Golfy next year.

(Golfy is Lizard's boyfriend. I named him that because he likes to golf. I'm a genius with fake names)

Me: What?? How can you move away? I thought he was moving here next year?
Lizard: It makes more sense for me to move there. It'll be cheaper and he can keep his job and I can work from anywhere.
Me: This sucks!
Lizard: I know. It'll be hard to move away from you guys.
Me: I moved to Texas just because you were here. And now you're leaving???
Lizard: That was 11 years ago.
Me: And your point is?
Lizard: Things change.
Me: Your mom changes.
Lizard: Look, you moved here and you met Captain Carl. It's not like I'm leaving you here alone.
Me: Whatever.
Lizard: Don't be mad.
Me: Stop talking to me.
Lizard: *sigh*
Me: Oh look at me. I'm Lizard and I'm selfish and I'm moving away so now my sister has no blood relatives in the state of Texas and I don't even care if her house catches on fire and she has nowhere to live and no clothes except what she wore to bed which is nothing because she sleeps in the nude!

*Lizard's phone rings*

Lizard: Hi baby!
Me: Is that him?
Lizard: I just told my sister the news.
Me: You tell Golfy that I hate him!
Lizard: She says she hates you.
Me: I never want to see his face again!
Lizard: She never wants to see your face again.
Me: He is dead to me! *walks out to living room*
Lizard: I should have told her over the phone.
Me: *yelling* Hey, can I have your couch?
Lizard: What?
Me: Your living room couch. Can I have it when you move?
Lizard: No, I'm taking it with me.
Me: Why?
Lizard: Because I love it and it will go perfectly in Golfy's house.
Me: *whining* It would look so much better at my house though.
Lizard: You haven't even seen his house.
Me: Well I know it would anyway, so shut up.
Lizard: You can have the couch in the family room.
Me: Gross.
Lizard: Excuse me?
Me: I don't like that couch.
Lizard: Thanks for insulting my taste in couches.
Me: Just that couch. It's all green and...old.
Lizard: Well sorry, but that's the only couch I'm not taking.
Me: *walks into home office* What about your desk?
Lizard: You have a desk already.
Me: I do not! I have a dining room table that I'm using as a desk. Because I'm poor and can't afford a nice desk like this because mom and dad wouldn't pay for me to go through law school like someone I know.
Lizard: They didn't pay for me either. I paid for it myself.
Me: Blah blah blah. If you give me this desk, I could sell my dining room table and make some cash. It's a win-win.
Lizard: Hmmm. I could probably sell you the desk.
Me: You would make me buy it?
Lizard: It's solid wood, I could get a lot for it. I'll sell it to you for $300.
Me: That's extortion!
Lizard: Oh come on...
Me: I better die before you so I can keep you out of heaven. Oh man, I can't wait to get up there and tell Baby Jesus that my darling sister made me buy a desk she already owned for $300!
Lizard: Seriously, you are ridiculous.
Me: Fine. *hangs head* Go ahead and move away and forget all about me stuck down here in fucking hot as hell Texas. Enjoy your snow and windy city and the mob.
Lizard: Okay okay. I'll give you my flat screen tv.
Me: *jumping and clapping* Really????? OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!
Lizard: *staring*
Me: Score! *moon walks* *grabs crotch* *puts fist into air* *stomps right foot repeatedly* Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!
Lizard: *still staring*
Me: That was the only thing I really wanted anyway! Jokes on you, sucka! You never saw that coming, did ya? I rule at negotiation! I'm like a negotiation ninja!
Lizard: *more staring*
Me: What?
Lizard: *crosses arms over chest* *looks pissed*
Me: *smiles*
Lizard: *narrows eyes*
Me: I am going to miss you so much when you move.

Fire Chestnuts

In the car with my sister

Me: Oooh! Jessie's Girl! Turn it up!
Lizard: I love this song!

Me & Lizard: *singing* You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl....where can I find a woman like that? I play along blah la la laaaa....

Me: Hey, what's a fire chestnut?
Lizard: Huh?
Me: I've always wondered what a fire chestnut was ever since I first heard this song.
Lizard: What are you talking about??
Me: Is it like some kind of actual nut or is it a euphemism for something else?
Lizard: There's nothing in Jessie's Girl about a fire chestnut.
Me: There is so!
Lizard: Where?
Me: *singing* Cause she's watchin' him with those eyessss, and she's lovin' him with those fire chestnuts....
Lizard: *laughing* Ohmygod!!
Me: What?
Lizard: *gasping for air* That is the funniest thing I've ever heard!
Me: Why is it funny?
Lizard: It's "and she's lovin' him with that body I just know it".
Me: No way.
Lizard: Yes!
Me: It sounds more like fire chestnuts to me.
Lizard: No it doesn't!
Me: *singing* ...hmmmm she's la laa him llaa laa eyeessss, and laa laala la with those fire chestnuts...
Lizard: ...with that body I just know it. Trust me.
Me: Huh. I suppose that works.
Lizard: *giggling* Ya think?
Me: Shut up. It's probably a common mistake. A lot of people probably think it's fire chestnuts.
Lizard: *smirk*

*silence*

Lizard: Fire chestnuts...ha!
Me: I like my version better. More interesting. No wonder Corey Hart never had another hit.
Lizard: Rick Springfield.
Me: Huh?
Lizard: Rick Springfield sang Jessie's Girl. Corey Hart sang Sunglasses At Night.
Me: Oh yeah.

*silence*

Me: *singing* I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can so I can...keep track of lesions in my life!
Lizard: Seriously?
Me: What?

Most Awesome Bowl Cut Ever

1. I got a new job.
   
2. I am sad to leave my old job.
3. My kid skipped school yesterday.
4. I yelled.
5. A lot.
6. Now I have to drive him everywhere because I took his car away.
7. This is more of a punishment for me than him.
8. Damn it.
9. Captain Carl is gone all this week.
10. I'm exhausted.
11. I went to Lizard's (my sister) house last night.
12. We ordered pizza and drank wine.
13. We drunk dialed our mom and dad.
14. I don't think they understood what was happening.
15. I haven't been drunk on a Tuesday night since probably college.
16. I forgot how awesome that is.
17. I have no idea why I'm numbering each of these sentences.
18. Srsly.
19. One more thing.
20. I totally made the top 25 on momdot.com's Top 100 Mom Blogs of 2009. I'm number 25 and yeah, that's just barely making it into the top 25 but whatevs because I can't believe I made the list at all. Also????
21. I outranked Dooce. Motherfucking Dooce, y'all.
    
22. I made a badge to celebrate with a picture of my 3-year old self.
23. Cutest. Kid. Ever.

I Think I Pissed Her Off. Again.

An email conversation between my sister, Lizard, and myself. Lizard is 11 years older than me and is turning 47 next week....

Me: We're coming over on Sunday for your birthday. What do you want Captain Carl to make for your dinner?
Lizard: King Ranch casserole please! I have wine and beer here already so you don't need to bring any.
Me: That's good because I really need to get my drink on and we're broke, so I'll just go on a bender on your dime.
Lizard: cool.
Me: This is going to be the best 50th birthday party ever!!!
Lizard: not cool.
Me: Whatever, that joke so WAS cool! I'm going to use it every year until you actually turn 50. That gives you what, like one more year of hearing it, right? hee hee, I did it again! I'm so awesome, it's ridiculous.
Lizard: so awesome....not.
Me: (getting nervous that Lizard is truly not happy with me) Don't worry, the Kiddo still thinks you are younger than me.
Lizard: At least I still have that...
Me: (uh oh) And your health! You have your health, don't forget about that. That's a good thing to have at your age. hee hee? Is it getting old yet? I never know when to quit. P.S. Also, please remember that it is okay for me to tease you about your age because I am fat. Fat people get a free pass. Now it's your turn...make a fat joke. But not a mean fat joke. A funny fat joke. And not a "ha ha that was so mean it was funny" fat joke. A "ha ha that fat lady is hilarious!" joke.
Lizard: Okay. Once there was a lady who had an older sister and that lady was not nice to her older sister, so the older sister kicked her fat ass.
Me: Ummmm, is that a real joke? Or are you trying to tell me something?
Lizard: take a guess...
Me: (oh shit) Ummm, the first one?

She hasn't written back yet. I hope she still lets me drink her wine on Sunday.

Sweaty Butt Crack Is The New Old Spice

My sister Lizard and her boyfriend took Captain Carl and I out for dinner on Saturday night. We went to this cool place in Dallas because Lizard won a four course dinner there for four people. And since we were eating for free, we drank expensive drinks and ate overpriced food and then had s'mores for dessert. $14 s'mores. I guess they cost $14 because the marshmallows were homemade and they were orange and mango flavored and also they brought us our own little campfire and put it on our table for us to light our marshmallows on fire and then laugh hysterically while we waved them over our heads and yelled "Yee haw, motherfuckers!!". Cause we're classy like that and also we might have been drunk.

The place was pretty cool and therefore we totally did not belong there. But I think we disguised our uncoolness really well. The Captain and I decided to wear crocs and t-shirts that said "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing to each other. Except we sat on the wrong sides and so our arrows were pointing in opposite directions and made it look like we were referencing the people sitting at the other tables and how do you know they weren't stupid? so shut up. My point is that we so totally blended in with the hip crowd that people kept coming up to me and asking "Are you Lisa Loeb?" and I would answer "Yes I am" and then I would autograph their napkins with "Your mom stays. Love, Lisa".

Lisa Loeb is still hip, right?

Here's a pic of the restaurant. What you can't see is Captain Carl just off to the left swinging his flaming marshmallow around like a lasso. Good times.


So then we convinced Lizard and her man to come with us to the jazz club. They hung in for about an hour and then decided to leave. Too bad for them, because they missed out on the best thing that happened all night. You're probably thinking what could be more awesome than mango s'mores? and I will admit the s'mores were great, but they ain't nothin' compared to this.


Well hi there old people! Hey, you know how you're sitting at one of those high tables with the stools? And you know how most everyone else in the place is sitting in booths that are way lower than your table? Yeah maybe next time not so much wine drinking, huh? Because I didn't come here to see you two old geezers drunkenly groping each other. And hey old lady? Ass crack is really not sexy enough to shove your hand down into in public. I mean, it's no boob cleavage. I wouldn't know (thank God), but I bet sweaty old man butt doesn't exactly smell like roses. Just sayin'.

P.S. Two more days until the moron twins move out! Squee!!!

The Two Whitest Girls On The Planet

Today's email conversation between my sister (let's call her Lizard) and me....

Me: Did you meet your boyfriend's son this weekend?

Lizard: Don't know when that will happen. He's waiting for the perfect time and it will be one big love fest or something. I just don't understand why he makes such a big deal out of things. Why can't he act like Mel Gibson and just parade me around for the paparazzi already?

Me: He should totally be parading you for the paparazzi by now. Wait, I don't think there are paparazzi in Chicago. But he should at least take you to a taping of Oprah or something.

Lizard: You know my girl Oprah would be all "what's up with that" and "you got to do right by your girl, she stood by you all this time, you fool."

Me: Huh, I didn't know Oprah was your girl. I think you might be confusing her with Tyra. It seems like Tyra would say "fool" more than Oprah. Hey hook me up, yo! I could use some free stuff from the O. Also, I want to hear her say "my va-jay-jay is painin" in person.

Lizard: Oh no you di'ent - I could NEVER confuse my girl O with that big cheese Ty Ty Baby or whatever she is calling her fierce self these days. O only says "fool" with her closest gal pals - you must not be one if you didn't know that.

Me: You just said "di'ent" and "gal pals" in the same paragraph.

Lizard: I'm just keepin' it real.

Me: We are the whitest girls on the whole planet.

Lizard: True dat.