Today's email conversation between my sister (let's call her Lizard) and me....
Me: Did you meet your boyfriend's son this weekend?
Lizard: Don't know when that will happen. He's waiting for the perfect time and it will be one big love fest or something. I just don't understand why he makes such a big deal out of things. Why can't he act like Mel Gibson and just parade me around for the paparazzi already?
Me: He should totally be parading you for the paparazzi by now. Wait, I don't think there are paparazzi in Chicago. But he should at least take you to a taping of Oprah or something.
Lizard: You know my girl Oprah would be all "what's up with that" and "you got to do right by your girl, she stood by you all this time, you fool."
Me: Huh, I didn't know Oprah was your girl. I think you might be confusing her with Tyra. It seems like Tyra would say "fool" more than Oprah. Hey hook me up, yo! I could use some free stuff from the O. Also, I want to hear her say "my va-jay-jay is painin" in person.
Lizard: Oh no you di'ent - I could NEVER confuse my girl O with that big cheese Ty Ty Baby or whatever she is calling her fierce self these days. O only says "fool" with her closest gal pals - you must not be one if you didn't know that.
Me: You just said "di'ent" and "gal pals" in the same paragraph.
Lizard: I'm just keepin' it real.
Me: We are the whitest girls on the whole planet.
Lizard: True dat.
On Becoming My Grandmother
1 month ago