You can read the first part of what some people are saying is "A Love Story For The Ages" and what most everyone else is saying is "Okay If You Like That Kind Of Thing" here.....
Okay, so there I am...single in a new city and kind of bored and also really tired of hanging out with my 7 year old niece every Saturday night. She was cute and all, but there are only so many episodes of Pokemon I can watch before I want to shoot myself in the face. So I decided to check out the Yahoo personals one more time before moving on to picking up strange men in bars/churches.
I used a completely different user name and changed up my profile a bit. Again, most of the ads were sorely lacking in both originality and personality. But I did find one that interested me. It was written like a movie trailer and it started out "In a world torn apart by terrible personal ads..." and ended with "If you only date one person this year, make it someone really good looking. But if you date two people this year, let me be the second one."
Hmmmm....this ad sounded really familiar to me. Kind of like something the last guy who disappeared on me would write. But there was no way it could be the same person. He had a different user name and there were literally hundreds of men in the Dallas area on Yahoo personals. So I figured it was safe and I sent him an email.
He responded and this time I asked more questions about him....like what he did for a living, his marital status, if he had kids or any venereal diseases. You know, stuff you ask on first dates usually. Turns out he was an IT nerd, divorced, and had two kids but no VD. He also asked to talk to me on the phone. I strung him along for another week before agreeing to call him"sometime".
I know, stupid right? The whole point of personal ads are to meet someone in person and there I was, freaking out over a phone call. I wouldn't have blamed the guy for checking out and moving on to someone more agreeable and slutty. But I guess there was something he liked about me, because he stuck around and told me he would wait patiently until I was ready to talk. I'd like to say it was my witty email banter, but it was probably because I told him I had huge boobs.
So we continued emailing for awhile longer and eventually I got up the nerve to call him. We talked for four hours the first night and before he hung up, he said "Goodnight, darlin' ". That was pretty much all it took to make my girly parts tingle. What? I hadn't had sex in two years people....two years! Plus no one in Minnesota says darlin' ....that's a southern thing and it sure was fun having a man call me that.
So for a couple of weeks, we talked on the phone almost every night. During one of our conversation, he said something that rung a bell in my head and at that moment, I knew. He WAS that guy that I first emailed....the guy with the used car ad. The guy that stopped emailing me without an explanation. So I got a little pissed off and asked him why the hell he did that and why did he decide he liked me now. He said he had no idea I was that girl because my user name had changed this time (like his) and we never exchanged real names the first time around. Then he oh so nicely gave me the reason why he stopped emailing...
He thought I was a lesbian. For reals. Apparently he was being an internet personal ad man-whore the first time around and confused me with one of his other email conquests.....a woman who sent him a picture of herself looking all butch and scary. Somehow he forgot who sent the picture and decided it was me.
Okay, so I decided I could forgive him for that....we were really getting along well this time around and dudes! What are the fucking odds that I would find this guy twice! Especially since we had both changed our user names. That's some crazy shit right there. Obviously we were destined to meet. And since he fucked that up the first time, we were getting a second chance. I had to meet this guy in person.
And so we planned our first official date.
....to be continued, bitches!
My First Huffington Post Piece
2 weeks ago