Thursday, April 9, 2009

Come On In Serial Killers!

You know how when you come home from wherever you've been and after you shut the door, you lock it? Yeah, our roommates don't do that. They like to come home from flying kites or skipping through a field of wildflowers or whatever the fuck they do and leave the door unlocked between the hours of 1am and 5:30am. Way to make it easy for a serial killer to come in and kill me in my sleep, jerks. They might as well leave a big sign on the door that says "Don't have a key? No problem! Come on in! Feel free to rape and pillage to your hearts content!" And I know the Captain and I would be the only ones murdered because we sleep on the first floor and they are upstairs and will be able to hear my screams and escape before the serial killer can get to them which proves that Billy Joel was right when he said only the good die young and it's still rock and roll to me.

For awhile they were leaving the door unlocked when they left the house too, but that has stopped since I put a little sticky note next to the door that says "Hey a-holes, how about you lock up when you leave so all the burglars in the tri-county area can't get in and steal our crap, huh?" and then I drew a little arrow pointing towards the deadbolt. They picked up my subtle hinting fairly quickly, but I guess I need to put another sticky note right below that one that says "Also, it might kind of be important that the door is locked when you are INSIDE the house too. Just sayin'. Think about it." because I guess the first note didn't imply that locking the door is good from both sides. These are things I figured were common sense for people who drive cars and pay rent and write papers about stem cell research, but I guess not.

I think I need to email one of you with my blog login and password, so that you can update everyone after I've been murdered with an "Avenge Miss Yvonne's Death!" post, and then everyone will go all vigilante and form an angry virtual mob. I'm not really sure what a virtual mob can do....but this is not for me to worry about. Because I'll be dead. So it'll be up to you guys.

There is some good news though. Kool Aid got a retail job this week. This means that she is getting out on a somewhat regular basis now. Unfortunately, that leaves Eco Nazi alone and he spends all that time wandering aimlessly around our house. Dude seriously needs to get out because that's just not healthy and also because I want to shank him every time he walks in the room. I'm serious....Captain Carl gets all flinchy and nervous looking whenever I pick up a steak knife these days. He says he'd rather I didn't go to jail because he's really not into conjugal visits but I think it's because there wouldn't be anyone here to do his laundry if I did.


Traceytreasure said...

You crack me up! How do you know that these kids aren't serial killers? They don't even know how to keep their meat from dripping and making a mess!!
Good luck, woman! Hope you don't get pillaged unless you're in the mood!!
Have a great weekend!


diane said...

I'm not qualified to advise you on room mates; we threw ours out after a really big fight, and then the dog bit him. So, good luck with that. xo

Dana's Brain said...

I am SO in for the virtual mob! I will right some seriously angry letters and blog posts on your behalf!

Betsey Booms said...

Wait! Who's not into conjugal visits?

It's the only kind of prison love I'm comfortable with.

Unless me and Mr. Booms are playing Prison Warden and hot felon.

word verification is lantismo...

Thats the hot latin gang that he is a part of inside the prison system.

He's officially the only Dutch member of lantismo, but since he's so pretty they accept him.

Lulu said...

Shouldn't these kids have been latchkey kids? Whose parents worked? Maybe you should put something into the lease that requires them to wear the house key around their necks.

Or on their prison ankle bracelets.

Vic said...

I hate sleeping in a house where I'm not sure everything is locked up. Both of my kids tend to leave the door standing OPEN if I don't go around a recheck everything.

Loved the notes-

Dana's Brain said...

Holy shit, I just noticed I wrote "right" instead of "write" on my comment. Clearly I was on some serious drugs yesterday. Because that is really embarrassing.

Ahem -

I am SO in for the virtual mob! I will write some seriously angry letters and blog posts on your behalf!

Kate said...

The last time my fiancee was out of town and I had to sleep in our room on the first floor of our hooptie-'hood house alone, I thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown every time I heard a noise anywhere in the house. Thank God, I thought to myself, that have the dog here with me...then I realized that the dog is a HUGE pussy who's terrified fo the cats, so he probably won't be much help with it comes to defending me from murderers and rapists...*sigh*

Aimee said...

This post makes me think of Hope Floats - when Birdie moves back to her Mom's house and they come in and the mom says to her, "Lock the door, Birdie. You wanna be murdered in your bed?"

Ladybug650 said...

Holy shit woman, I go out of town and when I come back you have 40 followers. Sweet!

Mona Lott said...

I think you should sneak into their room at about 3am, in a ski mask, with a knife, and wake one of them up with it at their jugular. When they flip out, just tear off the mask and ask, "I think I've made my point."

But... I don't have roommates. I wonder why...

Lindsay Champion said...

Ug, I hate renting. I hate, hate, hate it. First of all, like 3,000 people have keys to my house. The landlord, the super, whoever used to live there before me who didn't give their keys in, those people's boyfriends... Pretty much anyone could come in. And to make matters worse, I just found out you could pop the main lock of my apartment door open with a Metrocard. LOVELY. At any rate, I feel your pain. Maybe it's time to install a padlock on the inside of your door!

lindsay ||

Houston said...

OK, dig it, here is the shiznizzle (see I can drop things other than YO, I am true street cred). If you feel the need to kill your renters, dissolve their remains in a vat of lye and then pour them down a storm drain approxiamtely three miles from your home may I suggest the forever knife.

THE WIFE and I have found it to be surprisingly robust and after filleting a couple of hobos, it is still sharp enough to thinly slice tomatoes.

Just sayin'.

Arrrrrr, me pirate conspirater.