The Kiddo has been a driving fool the last two days...he's mastered the stick shift (that's what she said) and has received permission to drive the Explorer all by his lonesome. So of course, he's finding every reason under the sun to go drive somewhere, come back and go drive again. Today after school, he drove to his friend Pothead Peter's house to workout, then came home, then went to the grocery store, then came home, then left again and then came home again. Who knew everyday life required so much driving, yo?
So yeah, the working out thing. He's decided he's not ripped enough. The boy has a six pack and no body fat. But yes, he's a skinny little fucker so I guess I can understand why he wants to bulk up. Or whatever. So the apartment complex Pothead Peter lives in with his mom has a workout room with weights. So the plan as of today is for the Kiddo to go over there everyday after school and get ripped. Hopefully that isn't code for "smoke a lot of dope" because hello? The Captain and I didn't give Pothead Peter his nickname for nothin', people.
So after their awesome workout, the Kiddo came home with his arms all veiny from pumping tons of iron and announced he was going to start drinking protein shakes to speed up the bulking process. Hence the trip to the grocery store...where he bought milk, bananas and strawberries. He brought all that home and then left again to visit a supplement store called Max Muscle (I'm not even kidding about that name) to pick up some protein powder.
He leaves and the Captain and I have a good laugh because that is why God gave us the ability to have children....so we have someone to laugh at on a daily basis and also to give us an excuse as to why we lose our hair and/or get fat.
The Kiddo returns with a huge four pound plastic container of protein powder. It's called something like MaximumSuperPowerStrengtheningAndAlsoMakingYourDickBiggerProtein Powder!!! with a zillion exclamation points after it.
Captain Carl and I stare at him for a few moments and then the Captain is all "What the hell???" and the Kiddo is all "The dude totally tried to sell me more crap but I told him no way, man" and the Captain is all "How much did you pay for that, son?" and the Kiddo is all "Like fifty dollars" and I was all "Please tell me you did not pay that much for powder" and the Kiddo is all blinky and silent and the Captain is all "They didn't have a smaller size?" and the Kiddo is all "Ummm, no?" and I was all "Boy, they saw you coming a mile away" and the Kiddo is all "But I got a free magazine!".
Turns out the boy paid $59.99 for this powder....the boy who has no job yet....the boy who said he understood that he was going to have to be careful with his money now because he has to help pay for his car insurance and save up for college.
So the Kiddo goes upstairs to do his homework and I pick up his free magazine and shockingly it has a scantily clad woman on the cover looking all hot and buff and totally into you. So I'm looking at it and I say to the Captain "Guess what's on the cover?" and the Captain says "Probably a bunch of guys in tight t-shirts giving each other high fives" and I was all "No, that's on page five".
Then the Captain read the ingredients on the tub o' insta-muscles and it's basically just dehydrated milk protein or something like that....something you could get at Whole Foods for half that price most likely. But Captain Carl says this powder is obviously way better because it probably causes you to do spontaneous chest bumps and tear your shirt off in an amazing show of masculinity when you use it.
I'm looking forward to all the money rolling in when the Kiddo gets his gig with the WWE.
A Lifetime Sentence
1 month ago