Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Super Extreme Power Protein Strength!

The Kiddo has been a driving fool the last two days...he's mastered the stick shift (that's what she said) and has received permission to drive the Explorer all by his lonesome. So of course, he's finding every reason under the sun to go drive somewhere, come back and go drive again. Today after school, he drove to his friend Pothead Peter's house to workout, then came home, then went to the grocery store, then came home, then left again and then came home again. Who knew everyday life required so much driving, yo?

So yeah, the working out thing. He's decided he's not ripped enough. The boy has a six pack and no body fat. But yes, he's a skinny little fucker so I guess I can understand why he wants to bulk up. Or whatever. So the apartment complex Pothead Peter lives in with his mom has a workout room with weights. So the plan as of today is for the Kiddo to go over there everyday after school and get ripped. Hopefully that isn't code for "smoke a lot of dope" because hello? The Captain and I didn't give Pothead Peter his nickname for nothin', people.

So after their awesome workout, the Kiddo came home with his arms all veiny from pumping tons of iron and announced he was going to start drinking protein shakes to speed up the bulking process. Hence the trip to the grocery store...where he bought milk, bananas and strawberries. He brought all that home and then left again to visit a supplement store called Max Muscle (I'm not even kidding about that name) to pick up some protein powder.

He leaves and the Captain and I have a good laugh because that is why God gave us the ability to have children....so we have someone to laugh at on a daily basis and also to give us an excuse as to why we lose our hair and/or get fat.

The Kiddo returns with a huge four pound plastic container of protein powder. It's called something like MaximumSuperPowerStrengtheningAndAlsoMakingYourDickBiggerProtein Powder!!! with a zillion exclamation points after it.

Captain Carl and I stare at him for a few moments and then the Captain is all "What the hell???" and the Kiddo is all "The dude totally tried to sell me more crap but I told him no way, man" and the Captain is all "How much did you pay for that, son?" and the Kiddo is all "Like fifty dollars" and I was all "Please tell me you did not pay that much for powder" and the Kiddo is all blinky and silent and the Captain is all "They didn't have a smaller size?" and the Kiddo is all "Ummm, no?" and I was all "Boy, they saw you coming a mile away" and the Kiddo is all "But I got a free magazine!".

Turns out the boy paid $59.99 for this powder....the boy who has no job yet....the boy who said he understood that he was going to have to be careful with his money now because he has to help pay for his car insurance and save up for college.


So the Kiddo goes upstairs to do his homework and I pick up his free magazine and shockingly it has a scantily clad woman on the cover looking all hot and buff and totally into you. So I'm looking at it and I say to the Captain "Guess what's on the cover?" and the Captain says "Probably a bunch of guys in tight t-shirts giving each other high fives" and I was all "No, that's on page five".

Then the Captain read the ingredients on the tub o' insta-muscles and it's basically just dehydrated milk protein or something like that....something you could get at Whole Foods for half that price most likely. But Captain Carl says this powder is obviously way better because it probably causes you to do spontaneous chest bumps and tear your shirt off in an amazing show of masculinity when you use it.

I'm looking forward to all the money rolling in when the Kiddo gets his gig with the WWE.


Betsey Booms said...

Boys are so awesomely silly.

Anna Russell said...

When he's got a bod like an Olympian god, you should totally pimp him out to cover the cost of his upkeep.

diane said...

Oh man, I remember those days. My son used to pump weights, play drums, dance till dawn at rave clubs; and still no bulk. He would hoover out the contents of the fridge on a daily basis, drink 3 glasses of "powder" a day; and still no bulk. Now he's almost 27, does construction work, goes to Temple University, and guess what? Still very trim, but definately filling out nicely. He was really the tallest, skinniest guy had I ever seen for a while. Oh yeah, now he hoovers out his own fridge, yea.

Traceytreasure said...

Gawd, I hope it's not soy. Please tell him to only use half the suggested serving size. No one needs 30, 40 or 50 grams of protein at once. It's hard on one's liver. If it's soy, throw it out! Or, feed it to Eco Nazi and Koolaid!
Jarrow's Optimeal comes in vanilla and chocolate and 2 lbs. is half the price of what he paid.
Tell him to contact me before going to that store again or just tell him about the Optimeal, okay?

Hugs and love,

Traceytreasure said...



Houston said...

Unfortunately now that I am old "Ripped" usually means "Flatulence" so it is a word we don't like around our house.

The oldest boy has the same gripes. he's a skinny little twerp, but since he won't eat anything except cheese, he can't add any muscles.

Maybe he and the kiddo should get together...

Never mind, he has to take drug test before he ships out for the Navy. Let's just leave him skinny.

Kurt said...

That powder totally works. I put a little on each cheek before I go out and all the ladies gasp at how glowing I look.

Brandy Rose said...

My ex husband did the same thing. Except they were able to talk him into buying all that "other stuff".

Janine said...

Do they ship MaximumSuperPowerStrengtheningAndAlsoMakingYourDickBiggerProtein Powder to Canada??

Excuse me for a moment....

(No, honey, it's not for you! It's for my...friend.)

So, maybe you can give me the website address for Max Muscle???

Mandy's Kidding said...

Well, at least it's not a bag of weed.


justbarely said...

You're in (which is what she said)! http://www.justbarely.net/links/

And about Traceytreasure's soy comment--a vegetarian friend of mine told me she knew some people who ate soy everyday and the guy ended up growing man boobs: http://halfassedvegetarian.blogspot.com/2009/03/soy-boobs.html
So you should probably let him drink it everyday, even if it is soy, just so you can make fun of his teenage man boobs. Cause that's strong parenting.

Lana said...

i think they sell that stuff in mega-size jugs because it's supposed to make you feel more like shit about yourself if you stop your 'regimen' halfway through. then you'd have to look at a huge waste of money and time represented by that powder, or maybe it gives you confidence enough to say 'screw you powder, you're not getting the best of me!' or something like that...