You know how Captain Carl and I sometimes talk about how great it would be to not have jobs? Yeah, we meant that would be great only if we were rich and could afford not to work. It wasn't an open invitation addressed to you and I really don't appreciate you moving into our house and setting up camp like you own the place.
You, Unemployment, are an asshole. A grade-A, first class asshole. One of the biggest assholes I've ever met.
If you were a comedian you would be Andrew Dice Clay and you would tell that stupid hickory dickory dock joke constantly until someone punched you in the face.
If you were a body part, you would be that tooth that is always sensitive to cold. Or maybe you would be that ingrown toenail that just won't heal so you have to go to the podiatrist and listen to him prattle on about how awesome his kid and his pool is while he's lancing off half your toe.
If you were a family member, you'd be Captain Carl's Uncle JP who got fired for surfing porn on the job as a school principle.
Way to be a jerk, Unemployment.
Thanks for coming over and hanging out at our house for months at a time. Thanks for making Captain Carl feel depressed and thanks for making me worry even more than I did already. And thanks especially for forcing us to either sell our house or take in renters. That one turned out to be really fun, Unemployment.
You're like that guy at work that talks on his speakerphone all day and thinks everyone wants to hear about how he got "so wasted" the night before. Nobody likes that douche bag and nobody likes you, Unemployment.
And what's up with the millions of relatives you have all over this country, wreaking havoc on families just like ours? Some of your brothers are making people lose their homes and cars and that's just not cool, Unemployment. What would your mama say if she knew what you were doing?
You should be ashamed of yourself, Unemployment.
You know what really pisses me off about you, Unemployment? That you found it necessary to come stay with us twice in the last three years. I mean, I know we're awesome and super fun people but there is just no good reason why you couldn't have gone somewhere else the second time. Like maybe to Captain Carl's ex-wife's house because if there's anybody that deserves to hang out with you, it's her.
But despite all that, I'd be willing to forgive you if you did one little thing for us. Go away. Go far far away to a place where you can't hurt us ever again and send your stepsister, Employment, over to live with us instead. Employment never talks back and is always willing to pitch in around the house. Employment would even help us kick out the renters. I love Employment....she's way cooler than you.
P.S. One more thing, Unemployment. Go fuck yourself.
My First Huffington Post Piece
4 weeks ago