Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Unemployment Is An Asshole

Dear Unemployment,

You suck.

You know how Captain Carl and I sometimes talk about how great it would be to not have jobs? Yeah, we meant that would be great only if we were rich and could afford not to work. It wasn't an open invitation addressed to you and I really don't appreciate you moving into our house and setting up camp like you own the place.

You, Unemployment, are an asshole. A grade-A, first class asshole. One of the biggest assholes I've ever met.

If you were a comedian you would be Andrew Dice Clay and you would tell that stupid hickory dickory dock joke constantly until someone punched you in the face.

If you were a body part, you would be that tooth that is always sensitive to cold. Or maybe you would be that ingrown toenail that just won't heal so you have to go to the podiatrist and listen to him prattle on about how awesome his kid and his pool is while he's lancing off half your toe.

If you were a family member, you'd be Captain Carl's Uncle JP who got fired for surfing porn on the job as a school principle.

Way to be a jerk, Unemployment.

Thanks for coming over and hanging out at our house for months at a time. Thanks for making Captain Carl feel depressed and thanks for making me worry even more than I did already. And thanks especially for forcing us to either sell our house or take in renters. That one turned out to be really fun, Unemployment.

You're like that guy at work that talks on his speakerphone all day and thinks everyone wants to hear about how he got "so wasted" the night before. Nobody likes that douche bag and nobody likes you, Unemployment.

And what's up with the millions of relatives you have all over this country, wreaking havoc on families just like ours? Some of your brothers are making people lose their homes and cars and that's just not cool, Unemployment. What would your mama say if she knew what you were doing?

You should be ashamed of yourself, Unemployment.

You know what really pisses me off about you, Unemployment? That you found it necessary to come stay with us twice in the last three years. I mean, I know we're awesome and super fun people but there is just no good reason why you couldn't have gone somewhere else the second time. Like maybe to Captain Carl's ex-wife's house because if there's anybody that deserves to hang out with you, it's her.

But despite all that, I'd be willing to forgive you if you did one little thing for us. Go away. Go far far away to a place where you can't hurt us ever again and send your stepsister, Employment, over to live with us instead. Employment never talks back and is always willing to pitch in around the house. Employment would even help us kick out the renters. I love Employment....she's way cooler than you.

Sincerely,
Miss Yvonne

P.S. One more thing, Unemployment. Go fuck yourself.

16 comments:

Betsey Booms said...

Hey, look at that, we both have the word asshole in the title of our posts today.

And yeah, fuck you Unemployment. What a dick!

C Lo said...

Unemployment takes candy from babies and pushes little old ladies while they are crossing the street, motherfucker.

In all seriousness.........I'm sorry. I feel like when we are old we're all going to be legends to our grandkids for living through this time, but right now it just fucking sucks. I can't even believe I'm living in a time like this. It's just surreal. People who want to work should be able to work. People should be able to pay bills and keep a roof over their heads. This shit is some fuct up shit.

diane said...

Sounds to me like someone got a couple of pink envelopes in the mail today. Yeah, I know what color they are, because I get them too.
Loved your blog today, it's how we all feel, thank you for putting it into words. xo

Mandy's Kidding said...

Unemployment came and stayed with me. Showed up right before Christmas and took my son's presents.

What an asshole.

I kicked him out the door about six weeks later. But still.

I just know he's coming back, only I don't know when.

*Locks door*

Miss Yvonne said...

Betsey: We're obviously twin geniuses. That's the only explanation.

C Lo: True dat.

Diane: Captain Carl got the pink envelope about 3 months ago and he's still trying to find Employment...wherever she's hanging out is hard to find these days.

Mandy: I'm glad you kicked that miserable jerk out after six weeks. Last time he stayed at our house for 8 months, the bastard. I'm hoping it won't be that long this time.

Amy Kate said...

Unemployment has visited us once. it felt me up at the dinner table, drank our beer, crashed on our sofa, and then left, never callin gagain (Thankfully). Son-of-a-bitch.
And you know what? U.E. is a total douchebag. In fact, instead of saying unemployed, maybe we could say "douchebagged" though I think...yeah, it doesn't sound right...
Hang in there. I still maintain that the crazy antics of your housemates will propel your popularity into new, inconceivable reaches, and you will get a book deal about these lunatics and then, my friend, THEN you guys can be well off and unemployed. By choice.
"What do I do for a living? Oh, darling, I'm independently wealthy."

Vic said...

I've done the "box walk" before (you know, with your stapler, and the fern, and the spongebob figurines, and all the stolen pens) and it sucks.
Unemployment is a heartbreaker. He breaks up with you and then calls your house to tell you he's got a new girlfriend.

Traceytreasure said...

If I see Unemployment today, I'll kick it's ass for you and the Captain!! That just might be what I need today!!

I'm sure you'll hear about it on the news if I do!!

Jugs!!

Dana's Brain said...

That bastard has lived with us before as well. For the moment the electric fence, barb wire and guard dog are keeping him and his skanky relatives at bay. But I hear that fucker knows how to tunnel, so I'm keeping my shotgun handy. Or I would. If I owned one.

Hope Employment comes home soon!

diane said...

Pink envelope = shut off notice
Pink slip = fired

Once you get the slip, the envelope is never far behind. It's like Unemployed forwarded all of his mail to your house. Sometimes you are still getting his mail after he leaves, wanker. Unemployed stayed at my house for over a year. I pestered at my current job for 3 months before they would hire me (just to get me off their backs). I even had to sell my car to pay bills, it was bad. I agree with Amy Kate, there might be a book deal in this. xo

Brandy Rose said...

Unemployment=daffy bastard.

Lemish said...

If unemployment was a type of candy, it would be black licorice.

If unemployment was an actor, it would be Andy Rooney.

If unemployment was a type of flame-retardant insulation material, it would be asbestos.

erin said...

I've been reading soooo much about unemployment, being poor, hating money, hating not being able to buy things....like how I'm about to write on this blog how bad it sucks I can't get a new bar RIGHT NOW???? Have you ever been stuck at home all day with no car and FOUR KIDS???? I think I'm losing it.

I just wrote a blog about blogging about money...and the lack of it.

(the word verification on here is 'purdlert' which is a perfect description of Captain Carl)

Lulu said...

I just made it through another round of cuts at the Huge, with a big sigh of relief. But I have many family members who have U. visiting / camped out on the doorstep, eating the groceries and driving up the stress level. I want to punch U. in the face.

I will help edit your book, and plan your book tour!!

Coastal Nest. said...

His fucking bastard Uncle is over at our house..Its been 3 MONTHS NOW!!
Dont they get the hint? All the talking behind his back, all the crying and lost sleep because of him? dosent he know how much he hurts the kids when hes around?

Id love to kick his ass, but then what? EVERYONE in this community has a relative of his living with them.
Its a total FUCKED situation, fer sure.
Coastal Nest.

TishTash said...

Does he at least do the dishes?