Thursday, October 30, 2008

Fondling Bras and Empty Strollers

Oooh, the title of this post is so compelling, no? Prepare to be disappointed.

I saw two men doing weird things today.

1. I'm at the Wal-Mart on my lunch break, cause that's where I like to hang during my one free hour at work. I'm walking through the ladies intimates section, trying to locate the most awesome thing at the Wal-Mart....$1 packages of knee high pantyhose. 3 pair for $1!!! Captain Carl loves when I wear just my knee highs and granny panties around the bedroom. Awwwww yeahhh, kinda makes you want to break into a sexy Boys II Men song, doesn't it?

Anyhoo, so I'm cursing the idiots who organize this devil store (I hate the Wal-Mart and yet love it at the same time...I'm so complex) and trying to locate the knee highs when I turn the corner and see a dude. Standing in front of a row of bras. All by himself. And he is fondling one of them. For reals, yo!! He's got one of the smaller, padded ones between his thumb and index fingers and he's rubbing away. Oh yeah, he's also on the phone with someone. So do I turn and high tail it in the opposite direction from this weirdo? Are you CRAZY?? Hellll to the no! I mosy on up next to him and pretend I'm looking for a bra in my size. Which does not exist at the Wal-Mart, because I have a Ginormous bra size. I capitalized Ginormous because that IS the letter of my cup size. That's right gentlemen....I'm a G...and I ain't talkin' about no movie rating, m'kay?

So I eventually got bored because I couldn't hear what he was saying on the phone and really, how long can you watch a guy rub a bra in the Wal-Mart? Besides, he was probably just some poor whipped sap running an errand for his wife and was describing the bra to her so she could tell him no idiot don't buy that one, I don't wear a padded bra because I have huge tits. And he was probably all, yeah I know bitch quit reminding me about the two things that got me to marry you in the first place but have now betrayed me by slowly sinking towards your navel, a guy can fantasize about small padded breasts for a minute okay?!!! (Me and my G cups are a little sensitive about the subject of sagging boobs)

2. I'm driving home from work and there's this guy jogging on the sidewalk. He's pushing one of those double strollers that you put toddlers in and take them running with you so that you can teach them how great it is to be healthy and active and blah blah blah you people make me sick, what's wrong with watching tv and eating fried chicken once in a while? Shut up, you don't know me! the guy's jogging and I'm shooting death rays at him and then I notice something really weird. There are no kids in the stroller. The dude's just pushing this empty stroller all by himself. WTF jogging dude? Did you start out with the kids, stop at the park and forget to put them back in the stroller before you took off on your run in your teeny tiny jogging shorts? What's up with those jogger dudes and those shorts anyway? Why they gots ta be so tiny?

I'm out of ideas for this post so I'm just going to end it abruptly. Peace out.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008





Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday Fun with Craigslist

Free Haunted Mobile Home
This is the actual text from this post I found for a free haunted mobile home...WTF???

"ok look the mobile home is ran down and NON live able. i need it moved asap. what would you do with it you ask? well it as very good vinyl siding on it. color is baby blue. you will need tongue and trailer axles. it has a metal roof on it as well. scrap? and a metal beam that runs through it. if you tear it down you must have at least a $500.00 deposit so if you run off after taking what you want and don't clean up i will have to get a dumpster to clean this mess up. i check emails after 5 in the afternoon and all day Thursday and sunday. good windows too. also its said to be haunted? Strange things have happened in this House and i mean strange!!! You could call this House the trailer that escaped AMITYVILLE!!!!! oh by the way lookin for a couple of those Amityville House Windows ya know the eye shaped ones. Looking to buy or trade for a set. "

First of all, how the hell does a trailer escape from anywhere? Second of all, dude's obviously got a weird Amityville obsession. He might as well have written the ad like this....

"Hey all you craigslist pervs.....while you're taking a break from looking for a whore in the 'casual encounters' section, please take a minute to read my awesome ad. I'm looking to get some of those windows that come from a house with a demon from hell in the basement that caused someone to murder their whole family in it. You know, the ones that look like the eyes of Satan are staring directly at you. I'll trade you this crappy piece of shit trailer that I'm saying is haunted to make the deal seem sweeter and more intriguing. Cause who doesn't want a haunted trailer, yo? You could totally take your whore in there and have haunted sexual relations.

Love Always, Weird Sideburns Trailer Guy"

Because I'm pretty sure this guy has sideburns. Just sayin'.

Free Couch
I can't believe he's giving away this awesome couch! Bonus points for not cleaning up the puke stains on the carpet before taking the picture. But he loses a point for the Diet Dr. Pepper can....should have been a Budweiser.

Check out the pillow in the middle of the couch. Yeah, that one's been used to mop up lots of bodily fluids...I just know it.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Evil Dad

The kiddo is grounded...a serious lack of effort spent on his schoolwork has resulted in some less than stellar grades. So the deal is he is grounded from everything fun in life. The computer, his cell phone (so long 50 texts an hour!), his playstation, and he cannot even enter the media room upstairs...which he has sole custody of most of the time. Did I mention he has his own mini-fridge in there for his tequila and mixers?

Relax, fun nazi's...I'm just kidding about the mini-fridge. He keeps his tequila in the couch cushion, just like his father.

So he's grounded until he gets his grades back up. He's dealt with it okay so far. But that's about to change because Captain Carl just pulled the most evil Dad move ever.

He bought Rock Band.

And he's going to hook it up downstairs in our family room.

And he's not going to let the kiddo play. Not until the grades come up.

The man is an evil genius.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

School Fundraisers Suck

Every year.

Every flinging flanging year my kid comes home with the dreaded school fundraising materials. And because I refuse to let my child pimp himself out by knocking on strangers doors, it's up to me to sell it. Yes, that's right Mom and Dad! Time again to beg your friends and co-workers to buy some overpriced crap out of a catalog in order to "raise funds for my child's band/senior/history class trip". Seriously dudes, could the shit they put in these catalogs be any more lame?

I mean, who doesn't want to pay $17.5o for this?

That's a plastic pizza cutter, by the way. And it really is one of the things in my kid's fundraiser catalog this year. Which is totally sweet, because these things? Are. The. Shit. Seriously, this pizza cutter is a Papa Johns prep cook's wet dream.

Watch out...this is where the sarcasm really gets good.

Attention nazi fundraising company that only gives my kid 40% of the funds he raises selling this garbage! Prepare to have your collective minds blown when my kid turns in his order form. You probably don't even have enough of these pizza cutters in stock to cover all his orders.

Oh, and don't forget to send him his totally awesome and absolutely age-appropriate prize for selling over 50 items...I'm pretty sure he's going to pick the oversized American Idol ballpoint pen, so box it up and get ready to ship it. Only 48 more orders and that bitch is ours.

Now doesn't that look like something every 16 year old boy wants? Yeah, it makes pimping out your parents totally worth it.

Monday, October 13, 2008

What up Gangstas???

Hi, remember me? Yeah, I'm that hot fat chick that started this blog about your mom and then disappeared off the face of the earth.

So ummmm, yeah...I'm totally back like Backstreet. All right! All you people, can't you see can't you see....why I'm blahblah mmmhhh haaa my reality....

Oops, sorry. So check it out...I just read my chicken breast entry to my husband and he asked me why I'm not blogging anymore. So I said all intelligent-like "I don't know." And then he told me to start writing again, and I totally am because I always do what my husband tells me to...otherwise he gives me the pimp hand.

I do love that pimp hand.

So what's up in ya'll world? Leave me a comment yo!