Oooh, the title of this post is so compelling, no? Prepare to be disappointed.
I saw two men doing weird things today.
1. I'm at the Wal-Mart on my lunch break, cause that's where I like to hang during my one free hour at work. I'm walking through the ladies intimates section, trying to locate the most awesome thing at the Wal-Mart....$1 packages of knee high pantyhose. 3 pair for $1!!! Captain Carl loves when I wear just my knee highs and granny panties around the bedroom. Awwwww yeahhh, kinda makes you want to break into a sexy Boys II Men song, doesn't it?
Anyhoo, so I'm cursing the idiots who organize this devil store (I hate the Wal-Mart and yet love it at the same time...I'm so complex) and trying to locate the knee highs when I turn the corner and see a dude. Standing in front of a row of bras. All by himself. And he is fondling one of them. For reals, yo!! He's got one of the smaller, padded ones between his thumb and index fingers and he's rubbing away. Oh yeah, he's also on the phone with someone. So do I turn and high tail it in the opposite direction from this weirdo? Are you CRAZY?? Hellll to the no! I mosy on up next to him and pretend I'm looking for a bra in my size. Which does not exist at the Wal-Mart, because I have a Ginormous bra size. I capitalized Ginormous because that IS the letter of my cup size. That's right gentlemen....I'm a G...and I ain't talkin' about no movie rating, m'kay?
So I eventually got bored because I couldn't hear what he was saying on the phone and really, how long can you watch a guy rub a bra in the Wal-Mart? Besides, he was probably just some poor whipped sap running an errand for his wife and was describing the bra to her so she could tell him no idiot don't buy that one, I don't wear a padded bra because I have huge tits. And he was probably all, yeah I know bitch quit reminding me about the two things that got me to marry you in the first place but have now betrayed me by slowly sinking towards your navel, a guy can fantasize about small padded breasts for a minute okay?!!! (Me and my G cups are a little sensitive about the subject of sagging boobs)
2. I'm driving home from work and there's this guy jogging on the sidewalk. He's pushing one of those double strollers that you put toddlers in and take them running with you so that you can teach them how great it is to be healthy and active and blah blah blah you people make me sick, what's wrong with watching tv and eating fried chicken once in a while? Shut up, you don't know me!
Ahem......so the guy's jogging and I'm shooting death rays at him and then I notice something really weird. There are no kids in the stroller. The dude's just pushing this empty stroller all by himself. WTF jogging dude? Did you start out with the kids, stop at the park and forget to put them back in the stroller before you took off on your run in your teeny tiny jogging shorts? What's up with those jogger dudes and those shorts anyway? Why they gots ta be so tiny?
I'm out of ideas for this post so I'm just going to end it abruptly. Peace out.
On Becoming My Grandmother
2 weeks ago