Monday, February 21, 2011

I'm In Arizona. And I'm Watching The Bachelor. I'm Not Sure How That Happened.

Guess who's on vacation, bitches?

So I'm in Arizona visiting my parents. This has become an annual thing for me. I came out here last year and it was awesome and super cool and very drunky. But Captain Carl could not come with me because we couldn't afford it. I didn't want to come back without him this year, so we made it happen. Even though we are about 10 seconds away from being in the poor house at all times.

And so we are here and we're all driving around in the mountains and going on hikes and hanging out in the hot tub and playing tennis and things are going great and then bam! my mom turns on The Bachelor and I'm all "I hate this show!" and she's all "I love this show!" and I'm all "Blech, gross! Wait, why didn't he keep the mortician lady?" and then my high school boyfriend's mother (who is also my mother's good friend) showed up and now I'm drunk on vodka sprites.
It's been a weird day.

God, I love vacations.

Monday, February 14, 2011

How My Husband Locked In Sexual Favors For The Next Month

He bought me this for Valentine’s Day:

He bought me Harry, y’all.

Tickets to see Harry, just to be clear. But still, buying me a seat to be in the same room as Harry pretty much guarantees that he will get lucky many times over both leading up to and for several days after the concert. All he has to do now is smile indulgently when I squeal "ohmygod Harry!" every 10 minutes and pretend that he doesn't hear me ask my sister if she thinks it would be pretentious to name our baby Doctor Jazz Connick Jr. and he's got it made.

The concert is at the end of March, so I need to get busy planning the outfit I’ll be wearing when Harry falls in love with me. I'm thinking something eye catching. Are tube tops still in style? And do they make them with flashing heart headlights, or will I need to customize one myself?

I’ve already started my letter to let him know I’ll be there, so he knows to get ready to start falling in love soon. I'm sure he'll be totally excited and not at all wanting to take out another restraining order against me. I mean, one is really enough to get the point across that you like to play hard to get, Harry.

Such a tease, that one.

I may even make a sign to hold up. I’m thinking maybe something like this:

I think the rainbow colors make it seem more festive and not all creepy.

Friday, February 4, 2011

I'm Late. Go Buy Yourself A Vibrator & Get Over It Already.

Okay, so I was supposed to announce my giveaway winner for the $50 gift certificate at EdenFantasys at 6pm today.

I forgot.

What? I'm sorry, okay? I took a nap at 4pm and then I woke up at 6:30pm and then I had dinner and then I had about 3 glasses of wine and then I was sitting on the couch watching the news and blah blah blah Super Bowl blah blah blah ohmygod that is totally Terry from Reno 911 and he's wearing a Vikings t-shirt and now I love him even more and blah blah blah holy shit I forgot to do my giveaway.

So ummm, yeah. Giveaway time! Hurray! Only 4.5 hours late! No big deal! Whatever! Shut up!

The randomly picked lucky winner of the EdenFantasys $50 gift certificate is:

Sarah P at Naked Cupcakes!

Sarah said she was going to buy a double labia buzzer with her gift certificate, so look forward to her post about that. It should be very stimulating. Ha! See what I did there? I'm hilarious.

Congratulations Sarah, you lucky little so-and-so. And thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway. Sorry you didn't win, but in every giveaway there must be a few losers and you people are it this time. Get over it already. Geesh. And special thanks to EdenFantasys for sponsoring the giveaway and for making all our sexy time dreams come true.

And now, I leave you with the best photo of me without any makeup on ever taken in the history of ever. Taken today, in the winter wonderland that is Dallas. Because when you think of snow, you think north Texas.

God, I'm adorable.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I Wish I Could Blame This On Being Drunk, But I Do It When I'm Sober Too

I just won three 2011 Boomerang awards over at Studio30+. THREE! I won funniest blogger, best blog title and best female blog. I feel a little guilty on account of me bribing y'all with sex toys for votes, but not enough to give the awards to someone else. Hell no! I'm flaunting those babies all over this motherfucker. Thanks to everyone who voted for me. I hope you win the sex toy giveaway, or at least have some sex or something to make you feel like it was worth your vote.

So we played tennis last weekend with Mailman Mike and his girlfriend. Then we decided to get drunk and sing karaoke, because of course we did. Captain Carl and I did a very special version of the best Earth Wind & Fire song ever made. And since we were still wearing our tennis gear and already sweaty from working out, I decided to bust out some of my sweet dance moves too.

And now I've decided to share that moment with y'all. Consider it my acceptance speech for my Boomerang awards.

Boom. Talent explosion. Right here.

p.s. I don't know how to fix this so it doesn't cut off the right side of the video. It's not like I'm married to a web designer or anything. Oh wait, I am married to a web designer. Meh. Whatever.

p.p.s. Don't forget to enter my EdenFantasys giveaway. It ends on Friday at 6pm and I'm gonna be pissed if I don't get more entries because I spent like, 5 hours reading the kinky stories on their website in preparation for this and shut up, it was totally for research purposes only because I like to be thoroughly informed for my blog giveaways.