Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It's Not Stalking If It's True Love

Dear Harry Connick Jr,

I haven't received your confirmation on my RSVP to lunch next week while I'm in New Orleans. I'm going to assume you haven't had time to open it or maybe it got lost in the mail. The US Postal Service is so unreliable, right? I haven't received any of your replies to my other letters either...weird. I am FedExing this one to be sure you receive it.

So you probably remember from my first five letters that I am flying to New Orleans on Christmas day. Are you as excited as I am to finally be meeting in person??? I mean, letters are great and all but nothing compares to a face to face conversation. And really Harry, your last three concerts don't really count as a "face to face conversation". Because even though I yelled "Harry!" and "I love you!" and "I want to have your babies!" and "I will totally punch Jill in the face to get to you!" and then you kind of turned my direction in the stadium and smiled so that I would know you heard me, there were just too many other people there to go any further with it. Which is probably why you sang "It Had To Be You" next. You know, as a signal to me that you love me just as much as I do you and also that you are okay with me beating up your wife. Message received, lover.

I just found out that a girl I work with went to elementary school with one of your cousins. As you can imagine, this news made me all jumpy and clappy and a little bug-eyed. I tried to friend your cousin, but she ignored me so I sent her another friend request after I changed my profile picture to the one I sent to you last month. Remember? The one with you where I photoshopped my face over Jill's face? So far she hasn't accepted my request, but she's probably just busy working or something. We'll probably end up being bff's and next Christmas we'll all laugh and laugh at how funny the world is and how awesome and not at all creepy I am.

Guess what? I made your Christmas present yesterday. I had a hard time deciding between knitting a scarf and making a collage made from my hair and fingernail clippings. I went with the collage. I figure you have plenty of scarves already. Plus everyone always tells me how soft and pretty my hair is, so really it would be mean to not give it to you.

Well, I better run...time to write my annual Christmas letter to all the friends and family. I hope you don't mind, but I decided to tell everyone about our secret engagement. You can go ahead and deny it though....I understand. We don't need the press hounding you. I know that's why you got that restraining order against me too. Because you totally knew I was kidding when I left that message on your website that said "I don't want to hurt you, but sometimes you give me no choice, Harry." Haahahaaa, I'm hilarious!

I'll meet you outside your house for lunch when I get into town next week, okay? I'll be the one wearing reindeer antlers and climbing your security fence.

Love Forever and Always Until Death or Possibly Prison Parts Us,
Miss Yvonne

P.S. I had to get a new username on your fanclub website because somehow I accidentally got blocked again. Just an fyi, in case you are wondering who "iwouldkillforyou" is.


Chris said...

I can't believe you're coming to our part of the country and I'm going to be, umm, unavailable. Because otherwise I would totally come bail you out after Harry expressed his reciprocation of your true love by having you arrested. Maybe next year.

Peggy said...

Miss Yvonne! This is SUCH exciting news! What are you going to pack for your romantic lunch?

BugginWord said...

You better go ahead and get a little "Help Me Post Bail" widget going on your sidebar right now...

kate said...

Oh, my GOD! That is almost the exact same letter that I penned to Derek Jeter before going to NYC last Christmas. He must've lost my address, though, because I never heard back...

diane said...

No Way! Before I could even leave a comment, I looked down at my word ver., which is grave! Jeepers CREEPERS! You are scaring me baby girl. I don't think you are being direct enough with Harry. Maybe you should just pitch a tent in front of his house, I'm just saying.

hotchildinthecity said...

i'm so happy for you & harry...and this blog entry actually got me to really "laugh out loud" when having the worst day ever. thank you!

Heather said...

I'll give you a butt bost over the fence if you will be sure to get nekkid pictures of him for my Christmas present. I'll even bash the guards over the head to make sure you get some.

Houston said...

Maybe you should stand outside his gate with a puppy over your head and sing "In Your Eyes."

He's all sentimental and mushy like that.

Kate said...

Great post. I can't wait to hear what happens although maybe you need to be less subtle....


Anonymous said...

Wow. That is possibly the sweetest, most romantic stalker love letter I've ever read!

And I'm pretty sure his Christmas album was written for you. That's what I listen to at school.

I hope they have computers in prison because you already told me you'd do that judging thing....

OH and remember to comment today on my blog. Otherwise your other stalker friend's pin will go to someone else.

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Good luck with your stalking, I mean true love.


otherworldlyone said...

No man could resist a letter like that! It might even work on women. I know I started to feel a little something. At first I thought it was alarm, but now I'm pretty sure it's lust.

Moooooog35 said...

I've written the exact same thing to every woman I've ever met.

I have much more time to do this now that I'm in prison.

Ed Adams said...

His soooo lucky to have someone who cares this much.

I would totally kill to have someone who'd kill for me.

What an asshole to ignore you.

He probably thinks he's too busy scrapping mold off walls and rebuilding a city to give you the attention you deserve.

mepsipax said...

Ah that is so fecking awesome. It's totally not stalking. He wants it. I heard him say it.

Anonymous said...

AND my school is letting me now view YOUR blog while I work too!!!! Life is good today! You should call Harry. Things are looking up!

BeckEye said...

Harry's got perfect ears for oral sex.

erin said...

This makes total sense. You and Harry would be perfect together. We must all make a move forward to implement this obvious coupling.

I'm going to think about it all day and then forget about it later. But I still love you.

And you're a celebrity now (Three Blogs Starring YOU today!), so maybe the fan club will stop blocking you.

Miss Yvonne said...

Chris: Unavailable is just a state of mind. I'll find you, wherever you are.

Peggy: I think I'll pack what I always do for heart on my sleeve (awww) and my pocket knife.

BugginWord: Good idea. You never know when you might need to be bailed out.

kate: Harry told me that Derek told him that he thinks your cute.

diane: Oh someone will be pitching a tent outside his house! And it will be Harry! And it will be in his pants!

hotchildinthecity: Glad I made you laugh on a frowny face day. Which part was it? I bet it was the part with the reindeer antlers, right?

Heather: Your mom got some. Boo-ya.

Houston: Excellent idea. Can I borrow your puppy?

Kate: Hmmm, I am pretty subtle...point taken.

Jules: I will be your celebrity judge come hell or high water or strip searches.

Momster: It's a thin line, isn't it?

otherworldlyone: I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling it, baby.

Moooog35: How's the meatleaf on the inside? heheh, I said meatloaf.

Ed Adams: Oh he won't be ignoring me for long...wink wink. I don't really know what I'm trying to say here.

mepsipax: Can my defense lawyer call you as a witness sometime?

BeckEye: There is a special place in heaven for you, just for pointing that out to me.

erin: You mean I'll be in your head for 24 hours??? Awesome.

Sarah P said...

I'm drinking Bailey's & coffee and discovering your blog for the first time.

That sounds kind of creepy, right?

I don't mean "discovering" in the creepy professor to the naive freshman way.

I mean it in the way that I'm reading here and I will never leave.

I'm now blogstalking you.

OK, maybe it's a little creepy.

But I'm harmless, mostly because I'm suuuper lazy, not because I'm not creepy.

Yay, drunkness at 7:15 p.m.

Sarah P said...

Aaaand I just realized this post is about stalking, but I had forgotten that because I just read the one about Emo and the margaritas, but I wanted to comment on the first post because I'm an attention whore and needed to make sure you knew I was reading/stalking your blog.
Anyway, I think this means we're brain twins, you know, because of the stalking thing. OR, maybe I'm going all SWF on you subconsciously!
I'm going to stop typing now because I have Baileys & coffee.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

That was a hilarious post.

And only slightly scary.

Soda and Candy said...

This is gold. Also, Pimping Works™, because I have added you to my reading list at the behest of Kurt, Steamy and Vic.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'm so excited for you to finally be meeting the love of your life! And you are such a lucky girl that he's all groovy with you punching his wife in the face. I mean, you rock! And I'm sure that restraining order was just a mistake. So go have fun with your bad self and Mr. Connick, Jr. Be sure and let us know when the wedding will be!

Captain Dumbass said...

You and Harry will make a lovely couple.

Nicole said...

If you weren't so entertaining I'd mud wrestle you for Harry's affection. He's been my secret lover for a bit now, and because he's so sensitive and kind, he's not been keen to break the news to you. Sorry, dear, win some, lose some.

BTW, I'll be the one in the naughty Mrs. Claus outfit climbing the security fence next to you. You bring nog, I'll bring whiskey, mmmkay?