Monday, December 14, 2009

I Was Almost A Witness To A Puppy Massacre

Yesterday Captain Carl and I saw a guy on the side of the highway holding a puppy straight up over his head.

Me: Did you see that?
Captain: Was he holding a puppy??
Me: Yes!
Captain: Weird.
Me: He's either trying to sell it or deciding which car to throw it at.
Captain: What's the matter with you?
Me: What?
Captain: Seriously? That's where your mind went with that? He's going to throw a puppy into traffic?
Me: Well, he's definitely not wearing a trench coat and playing "In Your Eyes" from it. What else would he being doing with a puppy over his head?
Captain: Nice John Cusack reference.
Me: Thank you.

*5 minutes of silence*

Captain: I'm so glad he didn't throw that puppy at us.
Me: I know! I mean, we just got the car detailed.

*another minute of silence*

Me: And also because I don't want that puppy to be killed.
Captain: Of course.
Me: I mean, I didn't say that first because it's just implied.
Captain: Right.
Me: Unless you are some sicko who likes to see cute little animals splattered on the road. Which I'm totally not.
Captain: Are you done?
Me: I love animals. So much.
Captain: Mmmm hmmmm
Me: I would totally adopt that highway puppy, but you wouldn't let me.
Captain: Nope, no puppies.
Me: Because you hate dogs and would rather see them hit be a car than living in your house.
Captain: Look, I am not driving back there to buy that puppy.
Me: I know that. Because you could care less that little Regina is about to be roadkill.
Captain: Regina?
Me: That's the puppy's name. Regina Phalange.
Captain: *sigh*
Me: *in tears* Poor Regina! He'll probably take her to pound when no one buys her from him and she'll just sit there in her cage, staring out at all the happy families who pick different dogs to take home for Christmas and then on December 26 they will euthanize her because NO ONE WANTED THE HIGHWAY PUPPY!
Captain: This is why I won't let you volunteer at the animal shelter.
Me: *sobbing*

*another minute of silence*

Captain: Look! Sonic! Who wants a holiday ice cream blast???
Me: Oooh, me!!! Me!!! Ohmygod, I am sooo happy right now!

What? I'm easily distracted. Shut up.


expateek said...

What kind of a name is "Regina"? I think you should have named her "Vagina". Because then everyone would want a piece of her. Which if she's splattered all over the road makes it kind of more fair for everyone: people will find it easier to share.

I like sharing.

just making my way said...

Regina Phalange!! I'm dying over here! Next will you sing about your smelly cat?

Ed Adams said...

That poor puppy.

I would have turned around.

After making a quick trade, the puppy and I would have drove off into the sunset.

The End.

And it was beautiful.

Anonymous said...

I bet Regina Phalange would have liked a Sonic ice cream blast. But it's too bad she's dead now.

The Peach Tart said...

Poor Regina....all alone with no ice cream.

Tristachio said...

Sometimes I wish a creepy highway man would steal my dog and raise it over his head and think long and hard about if he's going to throw him into on-coming traffic.

If only it'd teach him a lesson.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Nice, Phoebs.

This post did NOT end the way I thought it was going to. There was not enough adopted puppy at the end.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Little Ms Blogger said...

Regina is a much better name than the name my husband gave for the nonexistent cat we have - Booger if a male cat and Snot if a girl.

Needless to say, no cat will be coming into our home this Christmas.

Peggy said...

Poor sweet Regina Phalange! Maybe Ken Adams stopped and bought her!

Or maybe.....

Oh well, Happy Holidays Miss Yvonne!\

ps... captcha was flusflus...that would make a great fake name would't it? RoseMarie Flusflus...I'm using it!

Miss Yvonne said...

expateek: Vagina is a great name, but only for cats. Because ha haha, get it? Pussy.

just making my way: Hmmm...maybe I will.

Ed: I considered a trade, but I didn't think that guy would be able to lift Captain Carl over his head.

Jules: *sob*

The Peach Tart: *more sob*

Tristachio: Your dog is too cute to contemplate throwing him into traffic. Maybe just a small toss into a skateboarding ramp.

Steamy: *sigh* I know. Think of all the awesome blog posts I would have if I owned a puppy.

Little Ms Blogger: Booger and Snot are awesome cat names. You should run right out and get two!

Peggy: Bonus points to you for mentioning Ken Adams.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Sniff, sniff.

What a sad...

Sorry, did you mention ice cream?

diane said...

I knew someone who's dog was named Kooder. I didn't know it referred to anything at all until one of my kids explained it to me.
Dead puppies was one of my favorite songs on The Doctor Dimento Show. That, and fish heads.

Houston said...

Did it look anything like this?

Kurt said...

Maybe he was an ancient mayan and he was going to sacrifice the puppy to his gods. Did you ever think of that? No?

Racist. Against ancient Mayans. That's the worst one.

Jaime Teele said...

I can relate. I too, am a sucker for animals. I too, will pick up strays only to be rejected at the door by a mean boyfriend with a 2 cat limit. And I too will soon forget about all that shit at the mention of Sonic.

Anonymous said...

new to your blog and LOVE it...

glad to see someone else has ADOS...(Adult Deficit Oh! Shiny) I thought it might be just me!!!